I spent an hour today at the OB's office for my followup appointment in order to talk to her for about 3 minutes. She wanted to know how I was feeling; I said fine. She wanted to know if I had an appt with the specialist; I said yes. She gave me copies of my HSG xrays and said she'd fax the rest. That was about it. Of course, I had decided to take G with me, hoping the appt wouldn't last long. She did pretty good though; I was proud of her.
I'm pretty sure I ovulated yesterday. So much for being a cycle on the longer side (today is CD16). They moved my specialist appt to 6:30pm on Wednesday. No way was I opting for yet another delay to get an earlier appt!
My Dad is still in the hospital. He sounds good and says he feels fine. But the pathology dept still hasn't come back with a final ruling on whether or not it's cancer which has me somewhat concerned. I know that if they can't decisively rule out cancer that they're probably going to opt to go back in and remove most of that lung. Dad sounds so good right now; I hate to see him go back through all that. Hopefully he'll find out for sure tomorrow. Mom thinks he will be able to come home tomorrow but, considering that he still has the drainage tube in and he hasn't been able to walk any, I think that may be a little optimistic. Time will tell. As in everything.
Monday, May 08, 2006
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Glutton For Punishment
I've decided: tomorrow I'm changing The Routine.
This is a big step for me. It all started the other night when I finally got around to doing something I've been meaning to do for months now: get my TV to pick up broadcast channels, specifically PBS (Public Broadcasting System; here in the States it's the public channel with no commercials). It's been years since we had cable and I don't miss it at all. I really don't miss broadcast except that somewhere along the way I decided it would be good for G to get a daily dose of Sesame Street. We have this huge contraption of an attenae outside that would probably pick up signals from Chicago but I've never spent time looking for the connections. I finally found it only to discover that I need a converter to hook the TV up to it. After figuring that out, I decided to see what I could do with an old AM loop attenae. Lo and behold, I get ONE channel: PBS! Not digitally clear, but clear enough for G to watch Big Bird.
Then I went and looked up the schedule. Turns out Sesame Street airs here from 11:30 to 12:30. Mister Rogers is on a half hour after that. Now, normally we are not leaving for the Y until 11 and don't get home till a little after noon. So I thought and thought about how to do it and finally came up with a workable schedule. It involves getting up a little earlier and leaving for the Y right after breakfast. I'm not real wild about going to that schedule but I've decided to give it a try for at least a week. I figure if I can't make that schedule work, I'll resurrect the VCR from the basement and start taping the shows!
HOLD EVERYTHING. Oh my gosh; why didn't I think of that sooner????? Okay, I'll have to end this post now and go set up the VCR. Thank goodness for being able to blog my way to a solution!
This is a big step for me. It all started the other night when I finally got around to doing something I've been meaning to do for months now: get my TV to pick up broadcast channels, specifically PBS (Public Broadcasting System; here in the States it's the public channel with no commercials). It's been years since we had cable and I don't miss it at all. I really don't miss broadcast except that somewhere along the way I decided it would be good for G to get a daily dose of Sesame Street. We have this huge contraption of an attenae outside that would probably pick up signals from Chicago but I've never spent time looking for the connections. I finally found it only to discover that I need a converter to hook the TV up to it. After figuring that out, I decided to see what I could do with an old AM loop attenae. Lo and behold, I get ONE channel: PBS! Not digitally clear, but clear enough for G to watch Big Bird.
Then I went and looked up the schedule. Turns out Sesame Street airs here from 11:30 to 12:30. Mister Rogers is on a half hour after that. Now, normally we are not leaving for the Y until 11 and don't get home till a little after noon. So I thought and thought about how to do it and finally came up with a workable schedule. It involves getting up a little earlier and leaving for the Y right after breakfast. I'm not real wild about going to that schedule but I've decided to give it a try for at least a week. I figure if I can't make that schedule work, I'll resurrect the VCR from the basement and start taping the shows!
HOLD EVERYTHING. Oh my gosh; why didn't I think of that sooner????? Okay, I'll have to end this post now and go set up the VCR. Thank goodness for being able to blog my way to a solution!
Labels
Last night I put G to bed and J was busy in his office. I sat down and caught up on all my email and blog reading. I checked off a couple of things on my to do list. I reviewed the coming week and made some more items on the to do list. Then it was quiet. There were things I could do but I didn't really feel like doing them. I have lots of scrapbook projects on my list but I wasn't feeling particularly crafty. So, rather than sit and contemplate life, I decided to clean and reorganize my office. Organizing has always been something of a therapy for me. I needed that last night.
When I organize something I have complete control over where it goes and how it's stored. I guess I have this "thing" about being in control although I wouldn't necessarily characterize myself as a control freak. But I am probably about two steps away from it. I try not to be an obnoxious one at least.
Over the last week I've come to realize that what I'm currently dealing with is a case of depression. I've had bouts of depression all my life off and on. Never really bad and always something I got through by myself. I don't know how long I've really been in this round of it but here I am. All this stuff with my parents and my fertility has left me decidedly out of control. Which makes me nervous and stressed. And, apparantly, depressed.
I'm not really ashamed about admitting that. I know that it's just a hormonal imbalance that will correct itself in time. I do wonder what impact it will have on trying to get pregnant again.
Regarding my fertility problems, I've ridden the entire wave of emotions this week. Monday after the diagnosis I was actually pretty upbeat and excited. I finally had an answer and I had scientific proof that my baby is a true miracle. As the week wore on, I realized that the treatment is going to mean more time and waiting. And even though I know it's waiting with a purpose, I am not a patient person.
I also tried this week to start examining my notions of God in light of my diagnosis. I can't say that I have made any great strides on that front. I did go to church this morning but that was mostly because J wanted me to and I do say hate to disappoint him.
But just when I start to feel I'm close to getting an even footing with my faith, I read stories like this. This was not a blog I followed but how can you help not being affected by the stories and events. And it makes me start to question my faith all over again, even though it's not happening to me.
So there you have it. A depressed agnostic. That label scares even me! I'm trying to look forward to what next week's appointment with the specialist holds. In my dreams he says that he can book my corrective surgery for the end of next week and I only have to wait one cycle for healing. In those same dreams my Dad is whole and well and out of the hospital and my Mom has shaken her pneumonia and whatever bacterial infection it is that she has. And I don't have to make an emergency trip to Houston and miss my appointments.
It seems that no matter how hard life batters you, you can never stop dreaming.
When I organize something I have complete control over where it goes and how it's stored. I guess I have this "thing" about being in control although I wouldn't necessarily characterize myself as a control freak. But I am probably about two steps away from it. I try not to be an obnoxious one at least.
Over the last week I've come to realize that what I'm currently dealing with is a case of depression. I've had bouts of depression all my life off and on. Never really bad and always something I got through by myself. I don't know how long I've really been in this round of it but here I am. All this stuff with my parents and my fertility has left me decidedly out of control. Which makes me nervous and stressed. And, apparantly, depressed.
I'm not really ashamed about admitting that. I know that it's just a hormonal imbalance that will correct itself in time. I do wonder what impact it will have on trying to get pregnant again.
Regarding my fertility problems, I've ridden the entire wave of emotions this week. Monday after the diagnosis I was actually pretty upbeat and excited. I finally had an answer and I had scientific proof that my baby is a true miracle. As the week wore on, I realized that the treatment is going to mean more time and waiting. And even though I know it's waiting with a purpose, I am not a patient person.
I also tried this week to start examining my notions of God in light of my diagnosis. I can't say that I have made any great strides on that front. I did go to church this morning but that was mostly because J wanted me to and I do say hate to disappoint him.
But just when I start to feel I'm close to getting an even footing with my faith, I read stories like this. This was not a blog I followed but how can you help not being affected by the stories and events. And it makes me start to question my faith all over again, even though it's not happening to me.
So there you have it. A depressed agnostic. That label scares even me! I'm trying to look forward to what next week's appointment with the specialist holds. In my dreams he says that he can book my corrective surgery for the end of next week and I only have to wait one cycle for healing. In those same dreams my Dad is whole and well and out of the hospital and my Mom has shaken her pneumonia and whatever bacterial infection it is that she has. And I don't have to make an emergency trip to Houston and miss my appointments.
It seems that no matter how hard life batters you, you can never stop dreaming.
Friday, May 05, 2006
All-Consuming Parents
I talked to my Dad today and he sounded better than he has in a long time. Apparantly they have him on some sort of epidural where he really doesn't feel any pain. He said he wouldn't know he had surgery if they hadn't shown him the pictures. That comes out tomorrow though so I hope he will fare well.
I also talked to my Mom today and she sounds like she's the one that had surgery. She's been battling walking pneumonia for a couple of weeks now and can't seem to shake it. She said she had a bad night last night so she went back to the doc today and got some more high-powered antibiotics. I'll check in on her again tomorrow but if they both land in the hospital I'll definitely be taking a trip to Houston. Yeah, I'm really looking forward to that with Miss Terrible Two but we'll figure it out somehow.
I took an OPK today and it wasn't anywhere near positive. I'm not sure if they're restricted to a certain phase in the cycle for the septum repair and I was really hoping to schedule it soon and get it out of the way. I don't know if a long cycle will be good or bad. And right now I don't have the mental energy to even really wonder about it beyond this post.
I think the last few days everything has really started to hit me and today was just a really bad day. To the point where I was questioning even wanting the first one much less any more. Maybe it's Pre Ovulation Syndrome?!!! I sent J out for a Brownie Delight at Dairy Queen and I'm sure that is the key to getting things to look up!
I also talked to my Mom today and she sounds like she's the one that had surgery. She's been battling walking pneumonia for a couple of weeks now and can't seem to shake it. She said she had a bad night last night so she went back to the doc today and got some more high-powered antibiotics. I'll check in on her again tomorrow but if they both land in the hospital I'll definitely be taking a trip to Houston. Yeah, I'm really looking forward to that with Miss Terrible Two but we'll figure it out somehow.
I took an OPK today and it wasn't anywhere near positive. I'm not sure if they're restricted to a certain phase in the cycle for the septum repair and I was really hoping to schedule it soon and get it out of the way. I don't know if a long cycle will be good or bad. And right now I don't have the mental energy to even really wonder about it beyond this post.
I think the last few days everything has really started to hit me and today was just a really bad day. To the point where I was questioning even wanting the first one much less any more. Maybe it's Pre Ovulation Syndrome?!!! I sent J out for a Brownie Delight at Dairy Queen and I'm sure that is the key to getting things to look up!
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Update on My Dad
Finally got a call from my Mom. The surgeon had just come out to tell her that it didn't look like cancer. The initial reports were that it is not cancer so they just removed the mass and the surrounding lymph nodes. They'll get a detailed pathology report tomorrow or Monday and if it is cancer they'll go back and remove the top half of the lung. But right now everything looks good. I'm sure all of you heard my huge sigh of relief!
More Odds
My Dad had to be at the hospital this morning at 6am. I got up to call them at 5:30 this morning but they didn't have their phone on! So I haven't talked to Mom yet and of course I forgot to ask what hospital they were at. So I have no idea what's going on. Talk about not being in control!
Anyway, Josefina had some good questions in response to yesterday's post so I thought I would try to answer them. I always figure if one person asks a question, there's more that have the same question that don't ask.
So.... a septum: A normal uterus is rather dome-shaped at the top. With a septated uterus, the two halves of the uterus do not form properly and instead end up looking somewhat heart shaped with tissue hanging down in the middle. There are varying degrees; some women have what is basically 2 uterii because the two halves don't come together at all. For others, it's a relatively minor condition where there's just a small amount of tissue hanging down. But the tissue doesn't have a good blood supply and if an embryo implants there, there's not a whole lot to grow on.
Now, about odds. I'm no expert and have nothing to back up these numbers; they're just numbers I have heard and stored away throughout my journey. I think any given woman in any given cycle has like a 20% chance of conceiving. But if you take all the cycles together for long enough (I think like a year), then the average woman has something like an 85% chance of conceiving sometime in that time frame. It goes down a bit with age but it's somewhere around there.
Yesterday, I found this page that shows some odds of different types of uterine abnormalities. Just like the 85% chance of conceiving over a certain time-frame, these are the odds of conceiving over a certain timeframe with a uterine problem. For a septate, this chart says 25% chance although other sources I read said no higher than 10%. If you get it fixed, the chances go back up to the range of an average woman.
Hope that clears things up. Probably more than you ever wanted to know about uterine abnormalties! I've gotta run now and get ready to go to the Y but if anyone has anymore questions, let me know. Thanks for all the support about my Dad. I will post as soon as I find something out!
Anyway, Josefina had some good questions in response to yesterday's post so I thought I would try to answer them. I always figure if one person asks a question, there's more that have the same question that don't ask.
So.... a septum: A normal uterus is rather dome-shaped at the top. With a septated uterus, the two halves of the uterus do not form properly and instead end up looking somewhat heart shaped with tissue hanging down in the middle. There are varying degrees; some women have what is basically 2 uterii because the two halves don't come together at all. For others, it's a relatively minor condition where there's just a small amount of tissue hanging down. But the tissue doesn't have a good blood supply and if an embryo implants there, there's not a whole lot to grow on.
Now, about odds. I'm no expert and have nothing to back up these numbers; they're just numbers I have heard and stored away throughout my journey. I think any given woman in any given cycle has like a 20% chance of conceiving. But if you take all the cycles together for long enough (I think like a year), then the average woman has something like an 85% chance of conceiving sometime in that time frame. It goes down a bit with age but it's somewhere around there.
Yesterday, I found this page that shows some odds of different types of uterine abnormalities. Just like the 85% chance of conceiving over a certain time-frame, these are the odds of conceiving over a certain timeframe with a uterine problem. For a septate, this chart says 25% chance although other sources I read said no higher than 10%. If you get it fixed, the chances go back up to the range of an average woman.
Hope that clears things up. Probably more than you ever wanted to know about uterine abnormalties! I've gotta run now and get ready to go to the Y but if anyone has anymore questions, let me know. Thanks for all the support about my Dad. I will post as soon as I find something out!
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
What are the odds?
I've been doing some research on this septum. Turns out that there is only a 10-20% chance of having a successful pregnancy with a septum and, even then, there is a big chance of having complications such as pre-term labor and premature delivery.
I've been thinking a lot about those odds. Does it mean I'm special? Does it mean my child is extra special? I've never denied the existence of God so what was his purpose in all this? Why give me a healthy child and withhold the same from so many others who are certainly more deserving than I?
There's so much I don't understand. If I was having questions about my faith before I'm really having them now! Right now I'm just in the beginning stages of puzzling out why this diagnosis and the odds behind it disquiet me so.
To be honest, at this moment it's much easier to focus on my Dad and his situation. He is scheduled for surgery this Thursday. They've decided to bypass the biopsy and just go remove the tumor. If the preliminary biopsy in the OR comes back malignant then they'll remove the entire upper portion of his lung. If not, they'll just remove the tumor. I told my Mom that I would be on the next flight out but she said that Dad doesn't want me to come for the surgery and I can understand that. I know he doesn't want me and his granddaughter to see him in the hospital with tubes and such. So right now, assuming that everything goes as planned (!), I'll be waiting a few weeks to go down there. I am really hoping that at my specialist appointment next week we can schedule the septum repair fairly quickly and I can get that out of the way. Then I can head down to Houston for a while and do my own healing. And maybe the waiting time will go faster.
That's my plan, to whom it may concern. If anyone's listening, that's how I'd like for things to go.
I've been thinking a lot about those odds. Does it mean I'm special? Does it mean my child is extra special? I've never denied the existence of God so what was his purpose in all this? Why give me a healthy child and withhold the same from so many others who are certainly more deserving than I?
There's so much I don't understand. If I was having questions about my faith before I'm really having them now! Right now I'm just in the beginning stages of puzzling out why this diagnosis and the odds behind it disquiet me so.
To be honest, at this moment it's much easier to focus on my Dad and his situation. He is scheduled for surgery this Thursday. They've decided to bypass the biopsy and just go remove the tumor. If the preliminary biopsy in the OR comes back malignant then they'll remove the entire upper portion of his lung. If not, they'll just remove the tumor. I told my Mom that I would be on the next flight out but she said that Dad doesn't want me to come for the surgery and I can understand that. I know he doesn't want me and his granddaughter to see him in the hospital with tubes and such. So right now, assuming that everything goes as planned (!), I'll be waiting a few weeks to go down there. I am really hoping that at my specialist appointment next week we can schedule the septum repair fairly quickly and I can get that out of the way. Then I can head down to Houston for a while and do my own healing. And maybe the waiting time will go faster.
That's my plan, to whom it may concern. If anyone's listening, that's how I'd like for things to go.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Record Time
Okay, this was record time between posts but I am so excited! I called the fertility clinic in Columbus and was able to get an initial appointment next WEDNESDAY with the doc that my OB recommended! Seeing as this is really the only fertility clinic in Columbus, I had assumed that it would take me weeks to get in. Not only that, but I was able to get a time that will allow me to have someone watch G. J won't be there but I can fill him in! Is it too much to hope that I might get the surgery scheduled in the very near future?
HSG Results
Just a quick update: turns out my first pregnancy was a fluke! I have a septum. Not a bad one but one nevertheless. I remember with G, the only problem the entire pregnancy was the possibility of a placenta previa. Turned out not to be an issue but in retrospect, she succeeded because she implanted low in the uterus.
The test itself wasn't too awfully bad. Getting the catheter in was the most uncomfortable part. Injecting the dye didn't cause much cramping at all for me. I feel crampier now than I did when she was injecting it.
My doc said she could fix it but she'd rather I go to the specialist who does it all the time. So I am about to find the number and call for an appointment. I also need to research my insurance, but I'm pretty sure we'll be on our own for payment from here on out. Any ideas on how much it will cost?
Curiously enough, my doc said it was up to me whether I should try this month or not. She said it was just how much I wanted to risk another possible m/c vs risking another low implantation. Needless to say, I'm not risking anything at this point!
The test itself wasn't too awfully bad. Getting the catheter in was the most uncomfortable part. Injecting the dye didn't cause much cramping at all for me. I feel crampier now than I did when she was injecting it.
My doc said she could fix it but she'd rather I go to the specialist who does it all the time. So I am about to find the number and call for an appointment. I also need to research my insurance, but I'm pretty sure we'll be on our own for payment from here on out. Any ideas on how much it will cost?
Curiously enough, my doc said it was up to me whether I should try this month or not. She said it was just how much I wanted to risk another possible m/c vs risking another low implantation. Needless to say, I'm not risking anything at this point!
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Movies
Haven't had much to post about lately. I feel like I've just been stuck waiting for this HSG tomorrow. Getting somewhat nervous. Still working on my list of things to talk to the OB about. I feel like lately I'm so behind in my to-do list that I'll never catch up. And the really bad thing is that 95% of the stuff on my to-do list is stuff that I really want to do!
A quick review of this week's movies:
Irresistible: I like Susan Sarandon but this movie was pretty lame. The storey line could have been compressed down to about 45 minutes and it would have been better.
Dr. Dolittle 3: Some movies should carry a big sticker that lists the maximum viewing age. This one's would have said about 13.
Memoirs of a Geisha: I have been saving this one for just the right time and last night was finally that time. Awesome movie. But do read the book first. There is so much depth and explanation that you just can't convey in a movie but add so much to watching the movie. There was a second DVD with a bunch of "featurettes" about various topics that were also interesting. I only watched a few as the movie was long to begin with but I plan to watch the rest of them tonight.
My daughter is becoming as much of a "movie" buff as I am! Sad but true. I do my best to limit it to 2 hours in a given day. Most days she watches 2 30 minute ones. Today we'll be hitting the limit though as the Y is not open and it's raining outside. I have to bribe her to play in between movies. How did we get to this point???!!!
Anyway, I thought I would tell you about the movies that she is most interested in right now. Up until she was almost 2, the Baby Einstein set sufficed for her. Then I made the mistake of getting a Teletubby movie from the library and the poor Baby Einsteins are collecting dust now (waiting for a sibbling!).
Her two favorite movies right now are actually very educational. She likes 123 Count With Me and Do The Alphabet, both Sesame Street videos. Within a week of getting the alphabet one, she was going around naming letters all over the place! Counting is coming along. Her other favorite is The Naughty Noo-Noo by the Teletubbies.
The worst part of kids movies is that you get all these songs stuck in your head. Unfortunately, G only knows one song right now: "the wheels on the bus go round and round". So we sing that one a lot.
Anyway, if you're looking for some good entertainment, I can highly recommend any of these movies. The Baby Einstein set was awesome and I have no regrets about sinking the money in to buying most of them. For any of these, check out half.com and ebay of course as they will be somewhat cheaper used althought not a whole lot.
A quick review of this week's movies:
Irresistible: I like Susan Sarandon but this movie was pretty lame. The storey line could have been compressed down to about 45 minutes and it would have been better.
Dr. Dolittle 3: Some movies should carry a big sticker that lists the maximum viewing age. This one's would have said about 13.
Memoirs of a Geisha: I have been saving this one for just the right time and last night was finally that time. Awesome movie. But do read the book first. There is so much depth and explanation that you just can't convey in a movie but add so much to watching the movie. There was a second DVD with a bunch of "featurettes" about various topics that were also interesting. I only watched a few as the movie was long to begin with but I plan to watch the rest of them tonight.
My daughter is becoming as much of a "movie" buff as I am! Sad but true. I do my best to limit it to 2 hours in a given day. Most days she watches 2 30 minute ones. Today we'll be hitting the limit though as the Y is not open and it's raining outside. I have to bribe her to play in between movies. How did we get to this point???!!!
Anyway, I thought I would tell you about the movies that she is most interested in right now. Up until she was almost 2, the Baby Einstein set sufficed for her. Then I made the mistake of getting a Teletubby movie from the library and the poor Baby Einsteins are collecting dust now (waiting for a sibbling!).
Her two favorite movies right now are actually very educational. She likes 123 Count With Me and Do The Alphabet, both Sesame Street videos. Within a week of getting the alphabet one, she was going around naming letters all over the place! Counting is coming along. Her other favorite is The Naughty Noo-Noo by the Teletubbies.
The worst part of kids movies is that you get all these songs stuck in your head. Unfortunately, G only knows one song right now: "the wheels on the bus go round and round". So we sing that one a lot.
Anyway, if you're looking for some good entertainment, I can highly recommend any of these movies. The Baby Einstein set was awesome and I have no regrets about sinking the money in to buying most of them. For any of these, check out half.com and ebay of course as they will be somewhat cheaper used althought not a whole lot.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Thanks (and E: I'm sorry)
Thanks to everyone who sent me well-wishes. They mean a lot to me. My Dad has an appointment next Monday with a lung specialist so hopefully we'll know more then. His appointment is about the same time as my HSG. I had a whole 5 minute appt today with the OB's nurse to do the mountain of paperwork for this thing. At least that's how she made it sound. I had to sign one form and then she read me the pamphlet on what an HSG is. Whopdedoo. She gave me a prescription for an antibiotic as a precaution.
I have to say that I have the most wonderful husband on the planet. This week he found himself on a 4 hour sit in Minni. Okay, for the non-pilot types: He had 4 hours between flights in the Minneapolis airport. He called me up and said he couldn't stand sitting in the crew lounge that long so he was on the train to go to the Mall of America. If any of you reading this know my J, you'll be falling off your chair laughing. My hubby does not like to shop and having him go to any store that doesn't sell chocolate or computer games is like pulling teeth. But he went to the Mall of America to kill some time. He asked if there was anything I wanted. I just happened to know that one of my favorite scrapbook stores is there and it's a huge one, as befits a store in that mall. He asked what I wanted and all I could think to give him to go one was that I like stamping. So he went in and braved "20 women all staring at me" and bought me a set of stamps that I've actually eyed a couple of times. The gift didn't exactly have the element of being a huge surprise, but it was a welcome gift.
I want to take this space to issue a "public" apology to my friend E. It seems that I gave E the address to this blog and then forgot that I had done so. Then I posted an entry when I was in one of my "moods" that wasn't very complementary to her and she was hurt by it. So E, I'm sorry.
Back to your regularly scheduled programming. I'm off to watch a movie. Either "Irresistable" or "Doctor Dolittle 3". I'll let you know.
I have to say that I have the most wonderful husband on the planet. This week he found himself on a 4 hour sit in Minni. Okay, for the non-pilot types: He had 4 hours between flights in the Minneapolis airport. He called me up and said he couldn't stand sitting in the crew lounge that long so he was on the train to go to the Mall of America. If any of you reading this know my J, you'll be falling off your chair laughing. My hubby does not like to shop and having him go to any store that doesn't sell chocolate or computer games is like pulling teeth. But he went to the Mall of America to kill some time. He asked if there was anything I wanted. I just happened to know that one of my favorite scrapbook stores is there and it's a huge one, as befits a store in that mall. He asked what I wanted and all I could think to give him to go one was that I like stamping. So he went in and braved "20 women all staring at me" and bought me a set of stamps that I've actually eyed a couple of times. The gift didn't exactly have the element of being a huge surprise, but it was a welcome gift.
I want to take this space to issue a "public" apology to my friend E. It seems that I gave E the address to this blog and then forgot that I had done so. Then I posted an entry when I was in one of my "moods" that wasn't very complementary to her and she was hurt by it. So E, I'm sorry.
Back to your regularly scheduled programming. I'm off to watch a movie. Either "Irresistable" or "Doctor Dolittle 3". I'll let you know.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Dad
Got one of those phone calls today that you dread all your life getting. Mom left a message for me to call. A little background first....
My Dad is 76 years old and has always been in good health. But he smoked for years and years and his Dad died fairly young of emphasema. Last year Dad got a cough that he just couldn't shake. After a round of xrays they diagnosed pneumonia. It took a couple of months for him to really get over it. A few weeks ago he started to get the same cough. They've been running some tests and taking lots of pictures.
So my Mom called today. My heart always skips a beat when it's their number because they hardly ever call me. I call them once a week to check in. They call when something's wrong. Mom left a message that they got the latest test results back and I should call her to find out what will happen next.
I could tell from her tone that things weren't terrible just yet but they weren't peachy either. The latest cat scan shows that he has a tumor in the upper part of his lung. This is the other lung than the one he had problems with last year so this tumor is new since his last round of pictures last year. Tomorrow they'll set up an appointment with a specialist to discuss what's next.
To top off all this drama, my Mom went to the doctor last week and turns out she's had walking pneumonia for a couple of weeks. She had to go back in yesterday for more drugs as it still isn't going away.
I'm just kinda blank right now. My Dad and I have always been close. He comes from a family with great longevity (his mother died at age 98) whilst my mother comes from a family laden with heart disease and 70 is considered old. I always thought I'd end up taking care of my Dad in his old age. I can't imagine life without my Dad. I don't even want to contemplate that.
I started this blog to deal with the issues of my faith in God. I haven't been the praying sort for quite some time now. I haven't had time to digest all this and figure out where it fits for me. But if you are the praying sort and want to throw a thought or a prayer out there for my Dad, I sure would appreciate it.
My Dad is 76 years old and has always been in good health. But he smoked for years and years and his Dad died fairly young of emphasema. Last year Dad got a cough that he just couldn't shake. After a round of xrays they diagnosed pneumonia. It took a couple of months for him to really get over it. A few weeks ago he started to get the same cough. They've been running some tests and taking lots of pictures.
So my Mom called today. My heart always skips a beat when it's their number because they hardly ever call me. I call them once a week to check in. They call when something's wrong. Mom left a message that they got the latest test results back and I should call her to find out what will happen next.
I could tell from her tone that things weren't terrible just yet but they weren't peachy either. The latest cat scan shows that he has a tumor in the upper part of his lung. This is the other lung than the one he had problems with last year so this tumor is new since his last round of pictures last year. Tomorrow they'll set up an appointment with a specialist to discuss what's next.
To top off all this drama, my Mom went to the doctor last week and turns out she's had walking pneumonia for a couple of weeks. She had to go back in yesterday for more drugs as it still isn't going away.
I'm just kinda blank right now. My Dad and I have always been close. He comes from a family with great longevity (his mother died at age 98) whilst my mother comes from a family laden with heart disease and 70 is considered old. I always thought I'd end up taking care of my Dad in his old age. I can't imagine life without my Dad. I don't even want to contemplate that.
I started this blog to deal with the issues of my faith in God. I haven't been the praying sort for quite some time now. I haven't had time to digest all this and figure out where it fits for me. But if you are the praying sort and want to throw a thought or a prayer out there for my Dad, I sure would appreciate it.
Monday, April 24, 2006
HSG and Movies
I have an HSG scheduled for noon next Monday. I go in Thursday to do paperwork and get drugs and instructions. I had hoped to have my good friend JE come to the procedure with me but as of yet I don't have anyone else to watch G so I might be going it alone. I'm nervous and excited all at once. I asked the lady scheduling and she said I don't need to make a follow-up appointment just yet. The OB will be doing the actual procedure and she will talk to me afterwards. I've read so many of you that had to wait for days afterwards to get the results and I'm so glad that I won't have to wait. So this week I'll be busy compiling my list of things to talk to her about for the next cycle, assuming that she doesn't find anything during the HSG. I've pretty much talked myself out of doing Clomid this cycle.
Last night I watched 2 of 3 parts of Wives and Daughters. I highly recommend it if you enjoy stuff set in Victorian England. I can't wait to watch the end of it tonight!
Last night I watched 2 of 3 parts of Wives and Daughters. I highly recommend it if you enjoy stuff set in Victorian England. I can't wait to watch the end of it tonight!
Sunday, April 23, 2006
CD1
I don't have a whole lot to say today but I feel compelled to commemorate Cycle Day 1. I never thought I'd be so glad for my period to finally show up. A mere 56 days since my m/c started in earnest. So much better than the 90 days it took after the D&C! It does concern me a little that my luteal phase was only 11 days instead of my usual 12, but since I'll be on progesterone in the future I guess it doesn't really matter. So I'll be calling first thing in the morning to schedule my HSG. Still going back and forth on whether to ask them to do Clomid this cycle. Most of me thinks the HSG isn't going to reveal any problems but on the other hand, I don't want to waste a round of Clomid. I just can't decide!
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Scrappin' and Hopin'
I've mentioned before that I really like to scrapbook. I was just looking over all my BlogLines subscriptions (great RSS reader by the way!) and I realized that my subs to scrapbooking-related feeds are beginning to outnumber my subs to infertility-related feeds. Hmmmmm..... I'm still trying to analyze what that means really. I hope it's a good sign that I'm not so totally focused on trying to have a baby that I'm missing out on the other things in life. I hope that's what it means. I'm sitting here at 11DPO trying to analyze my general outlook on life right now. I am so ready to move on from this last m/c. I'm ready to find out whatever the HSG is going to tell us. Mostly I'm ready to start trying again. I think J's schedule is going to cooperate very nicely for this next cycle. That gives me hope. Looking outside at all the greenery gives me hope. I just hope it's not an unfounded hope.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Sleep (This one's for you, Tendersoul!)
A while back, Tendersoul posted a comment on my entry about our overnight roadtrip with G:
Funny you should ask.... A few weeks ago Dooce reminisced about sleep training her daughter who is about the same age as G. After reading it I thought maybe I would write a similar post since we have similar stories.
Well, if you read Dooce's post, that's about my experience with G, except that I did it at 10 months and it only took 3 nights.
I read a lot of books before G was born and I was convinced that sleep would be one of the most important issues for both of us. I think my most favorite book was Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child because that's where I learned the 2 hour rule. Basically, if your child has been awake 2 hours, it's probably time for some type of sleep. Somewhere around 14 months G started to be able to go a little longer, but she was a good 18 months before she could really stretch to 3 or 4 hours. If I could impress on you the one most important lesson I've learned about sleep, Tendersoul, it would be that Golden 2 Hour Rule. Live by it. Set your clock by it. Everyone will be happier, I guarantee it.
So, for the first year or so of G's life, I lived in 2 hour increments, because that's about how long her naps would be. The advice I neglected to follow from the book was to train your child to be able to fall asleep on their own. I will admit it: I nursed and rocked G to sleep for every single nap and every night and all points in between. And I let her have a binky.
Life was pretty hunky dory until about 9 months. Then things started going South. My previously cute, adorable, good sleeping baby was suddenly waking up in the middle of the night and NOT GOING BACK TO SLEEP. Or when she did it would only be for 3 or 4 hours. Things got progressively worse. I vividly remember The Night. G woke up a little after midnight. I duly nursed and rocked her to what I thought was a sleeping state. I got up to put her in her crib. She protested. I sat back down. Repeat ad nauseum until something like 5 am. When she finally allowed herself to be placed in the crib, but only for 2 hours. When she woke up at 7 again I knew that things had to change.
That's when I implemented Ferber and we've never looked back. Ever since then, she's gone down willingly for naps and at nighttime. In fact, many times she will finish her lunch and inform me that it's time for nap-nap. Heaven forbid I ask her to wait a moment because then she will burst into tears. Generally speaking, she sleeps anywhere from 1-3 hours in the day and 10-12 hours at night.
Yes, I know I am blessed.
I know that part of it is that G is a pretty adaptable baby. But I think a larger part of that is the Routine. I'm a stickler about it. We do pretty much the same thing every day and she knows that lunch is ALWAYS followed by a nap. Yes, it cramps my style sometimes. There are days when I'd like to do something else. But then I remember those awful nights of sleep training and decide that sticking to the routine is more important. Much more important!
I will disagree with one point of Dooce's: they use the crib as a time-out area. I'm glad it works for them but it seems counteractive to me. In G's early days I would put her in the crib while she was wide awake and talk to her and play with her. I wanted her to get used to the idea that the crib was a safe, relaxing place. It seems to have worked. Most mornings I can get a good 30 minutes to an hour to myself after she wakes up because she's having fun playing with all the stuffed animals in the crib. Seems to me that using it as a place of punishment would go against that.
If the fates allow me another child, I will definitely follow the 2 hour rule again. I will also nurse and rock to sleep. That was probably the most enjoyable and memorable time for me from G's baby days. Even at 3am! But I will start much earlier getting the child used to making the transition from lap to crib in a half-asleep sort of state. I would still use the Ferber method but I probably wouldn't do it any earlier than I did with G (10 months). So much would depend on the child but I'm not afraid to let a child cry in the short term to achieve long-term good.
This is probably a pretty rambling post because I've been scrapbooking all day and I'm tired! So let me sum up the one most important rule: 2 HOURS OF AWAKE TIME! I highly recommend the Healthy Habits book (in your spare time, you know!) and I would also suggest the Ferber book. Even if you don't have the stomach for CIO (cry it out), he has some good information about sleep stuff in general. The first time I read the book I didn't have any intention of ever letting my child cry for any length of time but by the time we reached the impasse at 10 months I began to understand the wisdom of the necessity of sleep and achieving it by whatever means necessary.
I don't think sleep is necessarily a panacea but I do know that I have a daughter who's never had anything more than a cold or two, developed advanced verbal skills very early, and never ceases to amaze me with her range of knowledge. Is it sleep? Is it genes? Who knows but sleep is golden in this house!
How on earth did you get her to sleep so well?
Funny you should ask.... A few weeks ago Dooce reminisced about sleep training her daughter who is about the same age as G. After reading it I thought maybe I would write a similar post since we have similar stories.
Well, if you read Dooce's post, that's about my experience with G, except that I did it at 10 months and it only took 3 nights.
I read a lot of books before G was born and I was convinced that sleep would be one of the most important issues for both of us. I think my most favorite book was Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child because that's where I learned the 2 hour rule. Basically, if your child has been awake 2 hours, it's probably time for some type of sleep. Somewhere around 14 months G started to be able to go a little longer, but she was a good 18 months before she could really stretch to 3 or 4 hours. If I could impress on you the one most important lesson I've learned about sleep, Tendersoul, it would be that Golden 2 Hour Rule. Live by it. Set your clock by it. Everyone will be happier, I guarantee it.
So, for the first year or so of G's life, I lived in 2 hour increments, because that's about how long her naps would be. The advice I neglected to follow from the book was to train your child to be able to fall asleep on their own. I will admit it: I nursed and rocked G to sleep for every single nap and every night and all points in between. And I let her have a binky.
Life was pretty hunky dory until about 9 months. Then things started going South. My previously cute, adorable, good sleeping baby was suddenly waking up in the middle of the night and NOT GOING BACK TO SLEEP. Or when she did it would only be for 3 or 4 hours. Things got progressively worse. I vividly remember The Night. G woke up a little after midnight. I duly nursed and rocked her to what I thought was a sleeping state. I got up to put her in her crib. She protested. I sat back down. Repeat ad nauseum until something like 5 am. When she finally allowed herself to be placed in the crib, but only for 2 hours. When she woke up at 7 again I knew that things had to change.
That's when I implemented Ferber and we've never looked back. Ever since then, she's gone down willingly for naps and at nighttime. In fact, many times she will finish her lunch and inform me that it's time for nap-nap. Heaven forbid I ask her to wait a moment because then she will burst into tears. Generally speaking, she sleeps anywhere from 1-3 hours in the day and 10-12 hours at night.
Yes, I know I am blessed.
I know that part of it is that G is a pretty adaptable baby. But I think a larger part of that is the Routine. I'm a stickler about it. We do pretty much the same thing every day and she knows that lunch is ALWAYS followed by a nap. Yes, it cramps my style sometimes. There are days when I'd like to do something else. But then I remember those awful nights of sleep training and decide that sticking to the routine is more important. Much more important!
I will disagree with one point of Dooce's: they use the crib as a time-out area. I'm glad it works for them but it seems counteractive to me. In G's early days I would put her in the crib while she was wide awake and talk to her and play with her. I wanted her to get used to the idea that the crib was a safe, relaxing place. It seems to have worked. Most mornings I can get a good 30 minutes to an hour to myself after she wakes up because she's having fun playing with all the stuffed animals in the crib. Seems to me that using it as a place of punishment would go against that.
If the fates allow me another child, I will definitely follow the 2 hour rule again. I will also nurse and rock to sleep. That was probably the most enjoyable and memorable time for me from G's baby days. Even at 3am! But I will start much earlier getting the child used to making the transition from lap to crib in a half-asleep sort of state. I would still use the Ferber method but I probably wouldn't do it any earlier than I did with G (10 months). So much would depend on the child but I'm not afraid to let a child cry in the short term to achieve long-term good.
This is probably a pretty rambling post because I've been scrapbooking all day and I'm tired! So let me sum up the one most important rule: 2 HOURS OF AWAKE TIME! I highly recommend the Healthy Habits book (in your spare time, you know!) and I would also suggest the Ferber book. Even if you don't have the stomach for CIO (cry it out), he has some good information about sleep stuff in general. The first time I read the book I didn't have any intention of ever letting my child cry for any length of time but by the time we reached the impasse at 10 months I began to understand the wisdom of the necessity of sleep and achieving it by whatever means necessary.
I don't think sleep is necessarily a panacea but I do know that I have a daughter who's never had anything more than a cold or two, developed advanced verbal skills very early, and never ceases to amaze me with her range of knowledge. Is it sleep? Is it genes? Who knows but sleep is golden in this house!
Monday, April 17, 2006
Just Chillin'
I'm feeling rather compelled to make an entry here lest blogland think I've up and died or something. Everything on the TTC front is nominal. I'm halfway through the luteal phase and hopefully next Monday I'll be calling to schedule my HSG. I was looking back at all my charts on FF (all 14 of them!) and realized that not once have I temped through an entire non-pregnancy luteal phase. Well, not entirely true: my very first chart I did but I got a cold/sinus infection halfway through so my temps were skewed. And my second chart was a pregnancy one. So it's been interesting to watch my temps.
In other news I have been hunkering down and getting on with my scrapbooking. Every month I do the previous month's pictures. I got snap-happy in March and took a ton of them. Usually I just do 2 pages for a month; this time I had to do 4. And I still have some more that I'd like to put somewhere. Yesterday I visited my SIL for Easter and the best part of the day was getting some awesome shots of G playing in the back yard. I'm already designing the layout for that day in my head! Plus I am trying to make a neat memory book for my Mom for Mother's Day. Last night I went and found all the photos I have of us together. Precious few: I came up with a grand total of 10. It made me realize that I really need to be more proactive on taking pictures of G and I together.
In other news I have been hunkering down and getting on with my scrapbooking. Every month I do the previous month's pictures. I got snap-happy in March and took a ton of them. Usually I just do 2 pages for a month; this time I had to do 4. And I still have some more that I'd like to put somewhere. Yesterday I visited my SIL for Easter and the best part of the day was getting some awesome shots of G playing in the back yard. I'm already designing the layout for that day in my head! Plus I am trying to make a neat memory book for my Mom for Mother's Day. Last night I went and found all the photos I have of us together. Precious few: I came up with a grand total of 10. It made me realize that I really need to be more proactive on taking pictures of G and I together.
Friday, April 14, 2006
Yippieeeeee!
This is definitely not a "ducky" kind of day. The weather outside is beautiful. There is a gorgeous bluebird sitting on the tree outside my window. AND FF finally put crosshairs on my chart! I'm pretty certain I'm 3dpo. Which should put my HSG the first week of May. Right at this moment I'm feeling very upbeat and confident that the HSG isn't going to show any problems and that we'll be able to start trying again soon after. Plus get all the benefits of increased fertility after both the miscarriage and the HSG. We'll see.
I went shopping and bought a phone yesterday; a Samsung A920. It's a multimedia phone that plays video and music. Plus I have a Bluetooth headset for it. I feel so trendy!
I went shopping and bought a phone yesterday; a Samsung A920. It's a multimedia phone that plays video and music. Plus I have a Bluetooth headset for it. I feel so trendy!
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Calories
I've mentioned before that I'd like to lose a couple of pounds but it just didn't seem to be happening. I decided this week to do something that has worked well for me in the past: I'm counting calories.
Yes, I know it's very 1980ish of me. Who counts calories anymore?! That's like, so, out dude.
But it seems to work. I usually only do it for 4 or 5 days and, while not long enough to actually seem much in the way of results, it's a long enough exercise to open my eyes. I quickly start to realize that the snack of cheese cubes, the extra piece of cornbread, and the cookies at night really add up over time. For my height and activity level, Dr. Google says I can eat just over 2000 calories a day to maintain my present weight. After the tabulation was in on the first day, it was quickly apparant that, even with daily trips to the Y, I was easily consuming enough calories to gain weight.
So I've been really good the past couple of days. I've made decisions about what to eat to keep me in the 2000 calorie range, assuming that the calories I burn while working out will bring down my weight a bit. Yesterday I even decided to forgo a chocolate snack at night in exchange for a second piece of cornbread.
I was doing really good.
Until tonight.
I picked up J at the airport and he said he had a surprise for me. He pulled out a little box and I immediately knew what he had done. No, it wasn't a piece of jewelry. Far better. Sometimes in his travels he happens upon a Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory store. Sometimes he actually has time to get me something. My favorite something. Chocolate covered toffee. I love that stuff. I can't resist it. And it must be accompanied by a large glass of milk.
Is it possible that it's only 300 calories per 3" square? Because that's what I'm writing down on my calorie chart.
I think I'll just resume counting next week. After all the toffee is gone.
Yes, I know it's very 1980ish of me. Who counts calories anymore?! That's like, so, out dude.
But it seems to work. I usually only do it for 4 or 5 days and, while not long enough to actually seem much in the way of results, it's a long enough exercise to open my eyes. I quickly start to realize that the snack of cheese cubes, the extra piece of cornbread, and the cookies at night really add up over time. For my height and activity level, Dr. Google says I can eat just over 2000 calories a day to maintain my present weight. After the tabulation was in on the first day, it was quickly apparant that, even with daily trips to the Y, I was easily consuming enough calories to gain weight.
So I've been really good the past couple of days. I've made decisions about what to eat to keep me in the 2000 calorie range, assuming that the calories I burn while working out will bring down my weight a bit. Yesterday I even decided to forgo a chocolate snack at night in exchange for a second piece of cornbread.
I was doing really good.
Until tonight.
I picked up J at the airport and he said he had a surprise for me. He pulled out a little box and I immediately knew what he had done. No, it wasn't a piece of jewelry. Far better. Sometimes in his travels he happens upon a Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory store. Sometimes he actually has time to get me something. My favorite something. Chocolate covered toffee. I love that stuff. I can't resist it. And it must be accompanied by a large glass of milk.
Is it possible that it's only 300 calories per 3" square? Because that's what I'm writing down on my calorie chart.
I think I'll just resume counting next week. After all the toffee is gone.
FINALLY!!!
Just got my results back from Monday: I'm finally down to 3! Last year, it took me 45 days after my D&C to get from almost 200,000 down to 8. This time it took the same amount of time to get from less than 6000 to 3. Go figure.
Yesterday I was having what felt like ovulation pains and my temp was up this morning. I'm not believing it though as my body has faked me out more than once in this journey.
I spent my afternoon today researching cell phones. Last year on the day between the Ultrasound of Death and my D&C, we walked into a Sprint store and I picked out a new phone to replace my ailing one. I ended up with an LG phone which has been an okay phone but I'm ready for a new one. I decided this time I would do some research. I've settled on one but I don't know if I'm ready to fork out the money for it. We get a hugely great deal with Sprint and we've been on the same plan for about 4 years now. We pay about $75 a month for 2 phones and basically unlimited talk time (I've never, ever payed for extra minutes and we don't have a land line so this is our primary means of communication) and that includes web access and unlimited text messaging. So as long as that plan is still available to us, going with a new plan is just not an option. Which means I can't take advantage of the great deals if you sign up with a new line of service. At any rate, I may go shopping tomorrow. You know - just to look.
Yesterday I was having what felt like ovulation pains and my temp was up this morning. I'm not believing it though as my body has faked me out more than once in this journey.
I spent my afternoon today researching cell phones. Last year on the day between the Ultrasound of Death and my D&C, we walked into a Sprint store and I picked out a new phone to replace my ailing one. I ended up with an LG phone which has been an okay phone but I'm ready for a new one. I decided this time I would do some research. I've settled on one but I don't know if I'm ready to fork out the money for it. We get a hugely great deal with Sprint and we've been on the same plan for about 4 years now. We pay about $75 a month for 2 phones and basically unlimited talk time (I've never, ever payed for extra minutes and we don't have a land line so this is our primary means of communication) and that includes web access and unlimited text messaging. So as long as that plan is still available to us, going with a new plan is just not an option. Which means I can't take advantage of the great deals if you sign up with a new line of service. At any rate, I may go shopping tomorrow. You know - just to look.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Random Thoughts
Last week I got an email from a good friend of mine who went through the whole course of fertility treatments years ago and never got a child to show for it. She mentioned that she would have liked to have adopted but that her hubby wouldn't go for it so they never did. She then said that I should consider it.
My first reaction was uh-uh, no way. Even giving momentary consideration to that idea was, in my mind, akin to giving up. One of the women on my blog list recently gave up on the whole fertility game and is now looking to adopt. When I read that I felt so sorry for her because, well, I mean, she lost the game, right? No child of her own.
I told my friend as much and she wrote back to say that I should still consider it. I admire her persaverance.
And for some reason, this issue has been on my mind a lot in recent days. I haven't talked to anyone about it and I'm not sure why I'm writing it here except maybe for posterity.
I've been giving consideration to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, perhaps, in some small way, adopting is not entirely "giving up". Maybe it's just a different path to the same goal: not wanting G to grow up an only child.
So there, I've said it: I am, in the remotest corner of my heart, beginning to give some small consideration to the possibility of adopting a child. Someday.
I'd be curious to hear from you: What do you think about adoption. Is it "giving up"? Is it "settling" for something sub-standard because you can't have a biological child? Can you love an adopted child as much as a biological one? Would the adopted child suffer because G is "my" child and the adopted one isn't? Would G suffer because I would try to "make up" for the adopted one by giving him/her more attention? I have so many questions and I have not yet even begun to work them out. As I said, this is only preliminary but I would love to hear any thoughts you have to share.
My first reaction was uh-uh, no way. Even giving momentary consideration to that idea was, in my mind, akin to giving up. One of the women on my blog list recently gave up on the whole fertility game and is now looking to adopt. When I read that I felt so sorry for her because, well, I mean, she lost the game, right? No child of her own.
I told my friend as much and she wrote back to say that I should still consider it. I admire her persaverance.
And for some reason, this issue has been on my mind a lot in recent days. I haven't talked to anyone about it and I'm not sure why I'm writing it here except maybe for posterity.
I've been giving consideration to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, perhaps, in some small way, adopting is not entirely "giving up". Maybe it's just a different path to the same goal: not wanting G to grow up an only child.
So there, I've said it: I am, in the remotest corner of my heart, beginning to give some small consideration to the possibility of adopting a child. Someday.
I'd be curious to hear from you: What do you think about adoption. Is it "giving up"? Is it "settling" for something sub-standard because you can't have a biological child? Can you love an adopted child as much as a biological one? Would the adopted child suffer because G is "my" child and the adopted one isn't? Would G suffer because I would try to "make up" for the adopted one by giving him/her more attention? I have so many questions and I have not yet even begun to work them out. As I said, this is only preliminary but I would love to hear any thoughts you have to share.
Random Thoughts
Last week I got an email from a good friend of mine who went through the whole course of fertility treatments years ago and never got a child to show for it. She mentioned that she would have liked to have adopted but that her hubby wouldn't go for it so they never did. She then said that I should consider it.
My first reaction was uh-uh, no way. Even giving momentary consideration to that idea was, in my mind, akin to giving up. One of the women on my blog list recently gave up on the whole fertility game and is now looking to adopt. When I read that I felt so sorry for her because, well, I mean, she lost the game, right? No child of her own.
I told my friend as much and she wrote back to say that I should still consider it. I admire her persaverance.
And for some reason, this issue has been on my mind a lot in recent days. I haven't talked to anyone about it and I'm not sure why I'm writing it here except maybe for posterity.
I've been giving consideration to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, perhaps, in some small way, adopting is not entirely "giving up". Maybe it's just a different path to the same goal: not wanting G to grow up an only child.
So there, I've said it: I am, in the remotest corner of my heart, beginning to give some small consideration to the possibility of adopting a child. Someday.
I'd be curious to hear from you: What do you think about adoption. Is it "giving up"? Is it "settling" for something sub-standard because you can't have a biological child? Can you love an adopted child as much as a biological one? Would the adopted child suffer because G is "my" child and the adopted one isn't? Would G suffer because I would try to "make up" for the adopted one by giving him/her more attention? I have so many questions and I have not yet even begun to work them out. As I said, this is only preliminary but I would love to hear any thoughts you have to share.
My first reaction was uh-uh, no way. Even giving momentary consideration to that idea was, in my mind, akin to giving up. One of the women on my blog list recently gave up on the whole fertility game and is now looking to adopt. When I read that I felt so sorry for her because, well, I mean, she lost the game, right? No child of her own.
I told my friend as much and she wrote back to say that I should still consider it. I admire her persaverance.
And for some reason, this issue has been on my mind a lot in recent days. I haven't talked to anyone about it and I'm not sure why I'm writing it here except maybe for posterity.
I've been giving consideration to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, perhaps, in some small way, adopting is not entirely "giving up". Maybe it's just a different path to the same goal: not wanting G to grow up an only child.
So there, I've said it: I am, in the remotest corner of my heart, beginning to give some small consideration to the possibility of adopting a child. Someday.
I'd be curious to hear from you: What do you think about adoption. Is it "giving up"? Is it "settling" for something sub-standard because you can't have a biological child? Can you love an adopted child as much as a biological one? Would the adopted child suffer because G is "my" child and the adopted one isn't? Would G suffer because I would try to "make up" for the adopted one by giving him/her more attention? I have so many questions and I have not yet even begun to work them out. As I said, this is only preliminary but I would love to hear any thoughts you have to share.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Oh yeah
With all the excitement of my road trip, I actually managed to forget about TTC for a few hours this weekend. But here's a quick update: Last Thursday I thought I might be somewhat close to ovulating. My OPK was where I would expect it to be a few days before a surge. The next morning my temp was up. I actually thought we were on to something. But then my temp went down again yesterday. And the OPK today was exactly the same as Thursday's. I didn't try to take my temp this morning at the hotel but I don't think I missed a whole lot. My CM has dried up though. I'm not exactly sure what an annovulatory cycle looks like. Anyone got any insights? How do you know when to expect AF with an annovulatory cycle? Is it about the same length as a regular cycle?
Road Trip!
I'm finally home recovering from a road trip. This weekend J had to go to a flying refresher class in Cincinnati (about a 3 hour drive from us). At the beginning of the week I asked my niece if she'd like to babysit G for the weekend so I could go visit J overnight and she said sure. Then at rather the last minute she tells me she's got a trackmeet and won't be home till too late for me to drive 3 hours and have any quality time. So I told her we'd just do it another time. On the way home from the Y yesterday morning, I was trying to decide how to tell J I wasn't coming because I knew he'd be disappointed. It took a while, but the thought finally hit me that, hey, I could possibly take G with me.
Some of you might wonder why this thought didn't occur sooner. Let me just say that after 16 good months of sleep training, I am still leary of breaking the sleep routine in any way, shape, form, or fashion. I just rarely ever do anything to interfer with regularly scheduled sleep times and the thought of being away through 2 naps and an overnight just filled me with much trepidation.
But, I'm pleased to report that I decided to do it and have survived to tell about it. G slept about an hour on the way up there and then we didn't get her into bed until almost 10 (this is the child who is up "late" at 8pm!!!). And she was up at 7am (usually it's more like 9am) and she only slept a little on the ride home. But by golly, we're surviving.
Before G was born I considered co-sleeping. J wasn't too keen on it but he agreed to give it a try. Within a week that child was in her own room in a crib. I admire parents who succeed at co-sleeping because I still think there are some huge advantages to it. But it just wasn't for me. And an overnight in a hotel room reminded me of that. Every few hours, my normally solid sleeper would sit up and say "hi hi hi hi". Until one of us rolled over or made some noise to assure her we were still there. I'm sure she'd be a better sleeper if she was used to that situation. But I am just dead tired today. I may be in bed by 9pm!!!!
At any rate, you can read all about G's take on the day in her own blog: Mary Grace. All in all, we had a lot of fun and it was like a mini vacation for us. Now, though, it's time to get serious and lose those few extra pounds!
Some of you might wonder why this thought didn't occur sooner. Let me just say that after 16 good months of sleep training, I am still leary of breaking the sleep routine in any way, shape, form, or fashion. I just rarely ever do anything to interfer with regularly scheduled sleep times and the thought of being away through 2 naps and an overnight just filled me with much trepidation.
But, I'm pleased to report that I decided to do it and have survived to tell about it. G slept about an hour on the way up there and then we didn't get her into bed until almost 10 (this is the child who is up "late" at 8pm!!!). And she was up at 7am (usually it's more like 9am) and she only slept a little on the ride home. But by golly, we're surviving.
Before G was born I considered co-sleeping. J wasn't too keen on it but he agreed to give it a try. Within a week that child was in her own room in a crib. I admire parents who succeed at co-sleeping because I still think there are some huge advantages to it. But it just wasn't for me. And an overnight in a hotel room reminded me of that. Every few hours, my normally solid sleeper would sit up and say "hi hi hi hi". Until one of us rolled over or made some noise to assure her we were still there. I'm sure she'd be a better sleeper if she was used to that situation. But I am just dead tired today. I may be in bed by 9pm!!!!
At any rate, you can read all about G's take on the day in her own blog: Mary Grace. All in all, we had a lot of fun and it was like a mini vacation for us. Now, though, it's time to get serious and lose those few extra pounds!
Friday, April 07, 2006
Living in Narnia
Well, my temp was up to post-ovulation levels today so we'll see what tomorrow's temp holds! I was busy this afternoon and didn't get to POAS!
Last night we finally got around to watching The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. I thoroughly enjoyed it. It's been years since I read the books so I can't say how close they were. I didn't think the series hit you over the head with the underlying Christian theme; in fact, if you didn't know the basis of the books, I'm not sure you would pick up anything more than a tie-in to magic. The special effects were really believable and the characters lovable. I highly recommend it!
Last night we finally got around to watching The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. I thoroughly enjoyed it. It's been years since I read the books so I can't say how close they were. I didn't think the series hit you over the head with the underlying Christian theme; in fact, if you didn't know the basis of the books, I'm not sure you would pick up anything more than a tie-in to magic. The special effects were really believable and the characters lovable. I highly recommend it!
Thursday, April 06, 2006
POAS OPK
Wow - 3 posts in one day! This was the most cryptic title I could think of. It felt weird to be peeing on a stick again. But it reminded me of how much I hate doing OPKs. I always have a bottle of water sitting around and I have been trying to drink even more than usual lately. I had to remind myself all afternoon not to drink, which, of course, made me even thirstier. And holding the pee is tough for my weak bladder. But I'm happy to report I survived. And I might even do it again tomorrow ;->
If I am rightly interpreting my OPK, I am still a day or two (or maybe more) away from a surge. Although I do rather wonder what effect the lingering HCG has on the OPK.
The main reason I thought I was so close to a surge was my CM. I've had a straight 7 days of very fertile eggwhite CM. I haven't really been able to trust my CM since after my first m/c. Seems like I have fertile CM all the time now. I don't know if that's due to the m/c or having had a baby before or if it had something to do with my Mirena IUD. At any rate, I've certainly got an abundance of it - all through my cycle; even after ovulation. This week has been somewhat enlightening for me because I always wondered if I was confusing CM with semen (hey - they even sound sort of alike!). Now I know for sure that I am not. Dr. Google hasn't provided much insight on this topic. Anyone else have this.... I don't know if problem is the right term for it. Condition?
If I am rightly interpreting my OPK, I am still a day or two (or maybe more) away from a surge. Although I do rather wonder what effect the lingering HCG has on the OPK.
The main reason I thought I was so close to a surge was my CM. I've had a straight 7 days of very fertile eggwhite CM. I haven't really been able to trust my CM since after my first m/c. Seems like I have fertile CM all the time now. I don't know if that's due to the m/c or having had a baby before or if it had something to do with my Mirena IUD. At any rate, I've certainly got an abundance of it - all through my cycle; even after ovulation. This week has been somewhat enlightening for me because I always wondered if I was confusing CM with semen (hey - they even sound sort of alike!). Now I know for sure that I am not. Dr. Google hasn't provided much insight on this topic. Anyone else have this.... I don't know if problem is the right term for it. Condition?
Car Talk
Yesterday, the price of a gallon of gas at the corner station we usually frequent was $2.39. This morning: $2.75. That's a 15% price increase overnight. And it's not uncommon. I don't know if it's unique to this area or if it's unique to the midwest in general or what, but we never had such dramatic price increases on the Gulf Coast. You might get that kind of increase over a week, but never over a night.
Which got me thinking some more about a new car. I'll admit I've had new-car-itis for a while now. Ever since G got heavy enough that lifting her into the back seat of an Xterra caused back strain. Let's see, that's been almost 2 years now! I've been wanting a plain, 4-door sedan that gets good gas mileage.
For a while I did the research on Hybrids. After a while I decided not to go that route for a variety of reasons (higher upfront cost not really balanced with fuel savings with highway driving). Then I turned my sites to diesel. Back in Houston, we had some friends who owned a Volkswagon Jetta diesel. They had done some aftermarket mods on it and it got upwards of 50-60 MPG highway driving.
Doing a little research today, I learned that the diesel market in Europe is exploding. It's a cleaner burning fuel and much cheaper to produce. Plus diesel engines can be tuned to get much better gas mileage. There are a number of diesel options in Europe. In the states, the only option at the moment for a sedan seems to be the Jetta.
So I'm trying to do all my homework and work the numbers and see where they fall. Basically I have to see if the numbers would actually convince J to give up our sporty Miata because that's what we'd have to do to pay for a new car.
If any of you have any advice or anecdotes to offer on this issue, I'd be most interested to hear them. I'm by no means settled on any one particular thing at this point and I'll take anything into consideration.
Which got me thinking some more about a new car. I'll admit I've had new-car-itis for a while now. Ever since G got heavy enough that lifting her into the back seat of an Xterra caused back strain. Let's see, that's been almost 2 years now! I've been wanting a plain, 4-door sedan that gets good gas mileage.
For a while I did the research on Hybrids. After a while I decided not to go that route for a variety of reasons (higher upfront cost not really balanced with fuel savings with highway driving). Then I turned my sites to diesel. Back in Houston, we had some friends who owned a Volkswagon Jetta diesel. They had done some aftermarket mods on it and it got upwards of 50-60 MPG highway driving.
Doing a little research today, I learned that the diesel market in Europe is exploding. It's a cleaner burning fuel and much cheaper to produce. Plus diesel engines can be tuned to get much better gas mileage. There are a number of diesel options in Europe. In the states, the only option at the moment for a sedan seems to be the Jetta.
So I'm trying to do all my homework and work the numbers and see where they fall. Basically I have to see if the numbers would actually convince J to give up our sporty Miata because that's what we'd have to do to pay for a new car.
If any of you have any advice or anecdotes to offer on this issue, I'd be most interested to hear them. I'm by no means settled on any one particular thing at this point and I'll take anything into consideration.
No good title for this exceptionally boring post
Finally got a call from my OB's office and they want me to go ahead and do one last beta test next week. Actually, I had decided to do it anyway, just to hopefully see a number finally below 5. I'm hoping anyway.
The last few mornings I keep expecting to see my temp go up to indicate ovulation but I've been disappointed so far. Twice I've had eggwhite CM tinged with red which Dr. Google says is an excellent fertility sign. But mine doesn't seem to be related to ovulation so who knows what it's a sign of. I have decided to break down today and do an OPK just to see if I'm anywhere near a surge. If not then I can stop getting quite so excited over taking my stupid temperature every morning. Of course, if I am in a surge, it'll be that much harder to not "do" anything about it!
As I write this I see a bunny rabbit hopping across my yard. Must be spring. It's the second rabbit I've seen of late. Hope that's a good sign.
The last few mornings I keep expecting to see my temp go up to indicate ovulation but I've been disappointed so far. Twice I've had eggwhite CM tinged with red which Dr. Google says is an excellent fertility sign. But mine doesn't seem to be related to ovulation so who knows what it's a sign of. I have decided to break down today and do an OPK just to see if I'm anywhere near a surge. If not then I can stop getting quite so excited over taking my stupid temperature every morning. Of course, if I am in a surge, it'll be that much harder to not "do" anything about it!
As I write this I see a bunny rabbit hopping across my yard. Must be spring. It's the second rabbit I've seen of late. Hope that's a good sign.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
11
When I went for my blood draw yesterday the nurse and I were joking about how my number was probably going to be almost there but not quite. The gods must have heard us: my number was 11. Exactly half of last week's 22. I feel like all the signs are there for me to ovulate soon. I'm not going to do OPKs but I am temping. My temp took a nosedive yesterday which in the past has been a sign of impending ovulation for me. So now I'm just waiting for a call from the OB to see whether I need to go get stuck again next week. It's not like it's a huge deal but it does serve as a constant reminder of what once was. I'd really just like to get over that and move on with things, if only my body would let me.
Monday, April 03, 2006
Party Time
I was missing in action this weekend - too busy partying! Saturday April 1st was J and his twin sister's birthday. That night we went out to a local restaurant that serves enormous amounts of food. There were 7 adults there and we went through 2 bottles of wine; I think BIL and I finished off one all by ourselves! And of course, don't forget the huge chocolate cake for desert. G stuffed herself (especially on cake and ice cream!) and she didn't make it to bed till after 9pm. The next evening was another party and we had cake and ice cream again. This morning we had a huge breakfast with my in-laws who were in town. I'm stuffed and I'm sure I gained at least 10#.
Lorem recommended a vegetarian cookbook, Quick Vegetarian Pleasures by Jeanne Lemlin. I have to second the recommendation. That one will go on my shelf as a favorite, as will The New Moosewood Cookbook. Last night my BIL dropped by with his sister for a quick tour of our house and I was making one of the recipes from Lemlin's cookbook. I can't remember the name of it but it is with barley and soybeans; not a likely combination but it turned out really good. She commented on how good it looked and smelled. Come to find out, she was once a professional chef. She was probably just being nice but it felt good to be complemnted on one's cooking.
This morning I went for what is hopefully my last beta for a while. I've been keeping careful track of all my expenditures to date this year for trying to get and stay pregnant. So far, I've been billed a little over $1600 of which the insurace company has allowed almost $1200. I've paid not quite $300 of that. Right now, that's 16% of what was billed and almost 25% of what was allowed which seems a bit high to me considering that only $39 was required to meet my deductible and the plan pays 90% of what is covered. Of course, $67 of it was the semen analysis which, in retrospect I shouldn't have had to pay for, but I'm letting it go.
The thing I will be interested to see is progesterone coverage. I've already called and been told they don't cover it but if I do get pregnant, I wonder if I can successfully make a case for them covering it since it's related to sustaining the pregnancy. Anyone have any experience with this? I thought about posting on the FF forums but I never have much luck with getting questions answered on there for some reason. Guess I'm not in the "in" crowd!
I'll close now and get to work on my scrapbook. At the start of every month, I scrapbook at least 2 pages of the previous month's pictures. It's the only way I can keep up with it. When Gracie was about 10 months old I decided to scrapbook all her pictures to date and it was such a pain. By the end of it, I wasn't even enjoying it; it was just too overwhelming of a project. So now I do a little bit each month and it stays fun. I would highly recommend this approach. Even if you don't scrapbook, just organize your pictures on a regular basis. Otherwise things will get out of hand!
Lorem recommended a vegetarian cookbook, Quick Vegetarian Pleasures by Jeanne Lemlin. I have to second the recommendation. That one will go on my shelf as a favorite, as will The New Moosewood Cookbook. Last night my BIL dropped by with his sister for a quick tour of our house and I was making one of the recipes from Lemlin's cookbook. I can't remember the name of it but it is with barley and soybeans; not a likely combination but it turned out really good. She commented on how good it looked and smelled. Come to find out, she was once a professional chef. She was probably just being nice but it felt good to be complemnted on one's cooking.
This morning I went for what is hopefully my last beta for a while. I've been keeping careful track of all my expenditures to date this year for trying to get and stay pregnant. So far, I've been billed a little over $1600 of which the insurace company has allowed almost $1200. I've paid not quite $300 of that. Right now, that's 16% of what was billed and almost 25% of what was allowed which seems a bit high to me considering that only $39 was required to meet my deductible and the plan pays 90% of what is covered. Of course, $67 of it was the semen analysis which, in retrospect I shouldn't have had to pay for, but I'm letting it go.
The thing I will be interested to see is progesterone coverage. I've already called and been told they don't cover it but if I do get pregnant, I wonder if I can successfully make a case for them covering it since it's related to sustaining the pregnancy. Anyone have any experience with this? I thought about posting on the FF forums but I never have much luck with getting questions answered on there for some reason. Guess I'm not in the "in" crowd!
I'll close now and get to work on my scrapbook. At the start of every month, I scrapbook at least 2 pages of the previous month's pictures. It's the only way I can keep up with it. When Gracie was about 10 months old I decided to scrapbook all her pictures to date and it was such a pain. By the end of it, I wasn't even enjoying it; it was just too overwhelming of a project. So now I do a little bit each month and it stays fun. I would highly recommend this approach. Even if you don't scrapbook, just organize your pictures on a regular basis. Otherwise things will get out of hand!
Friday, March 31, 2006
I feel like a teenager
It's been quite a while since poor J has seen any action. About 6 weeks to be exact. So, after deciding earlier this week that my bleeding was indeed a sort of period and being over all that, I figured it would be okay to indulge in a roll in the hay since it was early in the cycle. So Wednesday before he left for work, I waylaid him. He didn't even ask if it was okay if did it. He was that neglected. Yesterday my temp was at pre-ovulation levels for me. Today it shot up to post-ovulation levels. Damn.
I feel like a teenager trying to endure the 2ww to see if there'll be any consequences to the back-seat-of-the-car incident.
I'm telling myself that I went for a whole year timing everything perfectly with no results and there is no reason to think that, if I did ovulate recently, there will be any consequences to it. Besides, today is only CD8 and it's highly unlikely to ovulate on CD7. Isn't it? Well, FF does show some charts in the gallery ovulating that early. They don't say how many.
So I'll be holding my breath to see what my temp does tomorrow morning. It could just be that my temps haven't gotten back in sync. We'll see.
I feel like a teenager trying to endure the 2ww to see if there'll be any consequences to the back-seat-of-the-car incident.
I'm telling myself that I went for a whole year timing everything perfectly with no results and there is no reason to think that, if I did ovulate recently, there will be any consequences to it. Besides, today is only CD8 and it's highly unlikely to ovulate on CD7. Isn't it? Well, FF does show some charts in the gallery ovulating that early. They don't say how many.
So I'll be holding my breath to see what my temp does tomorrow morning. It could just be that my temps haven't gotten back in sync. We'll see.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Numbers
I came across this helpful reference while surfing today. It lists different fertility tests and what the results should be on what day. I'm sure the information is available all sorts of places, but this is the first place I've seen it agregated.
That Hope Thing Again
I grew up in Houston, Texas where the temperature stays above 90 degrees for at least 6 months of the year. Then you wake up one day and it's 30 degrees. About two or three times a year you wake up to an absolutely gorgeous day and you wish it was like that all the time. Today in central Ohio is a day like that. It's in the mid 60s and sunny. I would say I wish it was like this all the time but I admit that I rather enjoy going through all the seasons. There's something about the progression of things that just feels right to my soul that craves organization and order. And there's something about emerging from a long winter into spring.
I talked to a friend today and she commented on the weather: "Doesn't a day like today just give you hope?" I've been reflecting on that and I have to agree. As I watch the little squirrels run around my yard and see the birds on the tree and hear the kids next door squeal as they play, yes, it does give me hope. Which is a dangerous thing. Sometimes I think I'd be a better person if I could just squelch the hope. At least, I would stay on a more even keel.
But I've never succeeded in actually doing it. Despite my best efforts, a few days after the start of a cycle I start feeling hope rise up in me that this is going to be the cycle and it's actually going to produce a live baby. How can I continue to think this way given the fact that 2 out of 3 pregnancies have not resulted in live babies and 10 out of the 13 cycles I've charted on FertilityFriend have not produced a pregnancy at all. Those are pretty grim statistics.
And yet I hope. I guess that's what makes me human.
I talked to a friend today and she commented on the weather: "Doesn't a day like today just give you hope?" I've been reflecting on that and I have to agree. As I watch the little squirrels run around my yard and see the birds on the tree and hear the kids next door squeal as they play, yes, it does give me hope. Which is a dangerous thing. Sometimes I think I'd be a better person if I could just squelch the hope. At least, I would stay on a more even keel.
But I've never succeeded in actually doing it. Despite my best efforts, a few days after the start of a cycle I start feeling hope rise up in me that this is going to be the cycle and it's actually going to produce a live baby. How can I continue to think this way given the fact that 2 out of 3 pregnancies have not resulted in live babies and 10 out of the 13 cycles I've charted on FertilityFriend have not produced a pregnancy at all. Those are pretty grim statistics.
And yet I hope. I guess that's what makes me human.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
"Manor House"
I just finished watching a six part PBS series called "Manor House". It was one of those shows where they take a family to live in a certain time period. In this one, the time period was Edwardian Britian around 1910 and they also had 12 "volunteers" who made up the servants. It was quite interesting to see how everyone adjusted to their roles and also see what the hierarchical life was like back then. No wonder the lifestyle didn't survive! It was really well done and I'd highly recommend it if you're at all interested in that period of history.
22
I'm finally down to 22. HCG that is. It's halving about every 4-5 days, so at that rate, the one next week *should* be under 10 and hopefully that'll be close enough for them to call me done with bloodwork for a while. Now I have to get back into the habit of temping, which is hard for me because I don't really like to do it. But if I ovulate in a reasonable period of time and my HSG is clear, then we can probably start trying again the middle of May. Which, if we were successful the first go-round, would put us about on the same schedule as the Little Miss and I can only take that as a good sign.
I'm still back and forth on doing the Clomid this very next cycle. I know there is a limit to the number of times most docs will do Clomid and, although I don't think it very likely they'll find something on the HSG, if they did then that would be a wasted cycle as far as the Clomid goes. But some days I'd really, really like to increase my chances of twins and that's why I am leaning towards doing the Clomid this first time. I hate having to make these kinds of decisions!
I'm still back and forth on doing the Clomid this very next cycle. I know there is a limit to the number of times most docs will do Clomid and, although I don't think it very likely they'll find something on the HSG, if they did then that would be a wasted cycle as far as the Clomid goes. But some days I'd really, really like to increase my chances of twins and that's why I am leaning towards doing the Clomid this first time. I hate having to make these kinds of decisions!
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Dealing With Numbers
I had hoped to hear from the nurse today what my HCG was yesterday but it looks like she's already gone home. I'm sure she'll call me sometime tomorrow as soon as she gets the fax. Looks like my bleeding has tapered off to just spotting. Looking at my FF chart, it predicted based on my historical charts that I would be having a period about now. So maybe that's what I had? Who knows? I think I'll go based on the assumption that it was something like a period and start doing my temps again tomorrow and do OPKs this month. Hopefully that will give me a little warning as to when the HSG might be and I can plan accordingly.
I'm into my latest spring cleaning project. Getting the paperwork out for my tax audit got me thinking about all the paperwork we have regarding income taxes. I started doing some research to see how long I needed to keep all that junk. I found one website that said keep as much as you can as long as you can. That's probably pretty good advice. But I'm also reasonably certain that we won't be needing John's 1984 income tax return and W-2 statement. So I've decided to keep all the paper records I've got for 10 years. After that I'll keep only scanned copies of the return and some of the supporting statements. I don't think the IRS can reasonably audit you after about 6 years so these electronic copies will be mostly for posterities' sake. I figure someday G will get a kick out of seeing her Dad's very first income tax return where he brought home just a little over $14,000 working for IBM and got a whopping $800 refund.
I'm into my latest spring cleaning project. Getting the paperwork out for my tax audit got me thinking about all the paperwork we have regarding income taxes. I started doing some research to see how long I needed to keep all that junk. I found one website that said keep as much as you can as long as you can. That's probably pretty good advice. But I'm also reasonably certain that we won't be needing John's 1984 income tax return and W-2 statement. So I've decided to keep all the paper records I've got for 10 years. After that I'll keep only scanned copies of the return and some of the supporting statements. I don't think the IRS can reasonably audit you after about 6 years so these electronic copies will be mostly for posterities' sake. I figure someday G will get a kick out of seeing her Dad's very first income tax return where he brought home just a little over $14,000 working for IBM and got a whopping $800 refund.
Monday, March 27, 2006
ARRRRRRGGGGGG!!!!
When we decided to have our first child, I worked with a lady, E, with whom I was very good friends. We neither of us had a lot to do at work so we would spend a lot of time chatting. So naturally, I told her we were trying. And she was one of the first people I told when I found out I was pregnant that first time. 6 weeks later, she turned up pregnant. I was happy for her and it was great to have someone to share symptoms and stories with.
After my first miscarriage, we talked and she said she wanted to wait until her son was at least 3 to get pregnant again. We haven't really talked about it since then.
You know where this is going, don't you? She emails me today to say that she isn't having a formal birthday party for her son because she is 8 weeks pregnant. I suppose it was nice of her not to tell me that when she was here for G's party and I was having my second m/c (which she knew).
I have so many conflicting emotions. On the one hand I'm happy for her because, of course, I wouldn't wish my situation on anyone. On the other hand, I almost wish she hadn't told me about it at all. I just don't want to deal with it right now. I don't want to deal with someone else being happy when it should be me. There; I've said it: in all its childish glory.
This email came on the heals of going to the dentist this morning. The staff all knows us there and they knew I was pregnant because the dentist wanted to do some fillings so I had to ask him about the effect on pregnancy. I decided to go in today and get it over with and of course everyone had to come by with congratulations. I should have worn a big sign: NOT PREGNANT. My dentist and his wife endured 10 years of infertility treatments before finally adopting. You'd think he'd be one to know what to say. But no; I had to endure the story about another patient who had 4 miscarriages and finally had beautiful healthly child. He says that those m/c were for a reason and she's happy with what she got. I'll leave analysis of that for another day.
Then of course I had to go for my weekly bloodwork. And of course I'm still bleeding.
The good side to this day is that J took G for the day and I got to run all my errands this morning. Part of that included a trip to the Whole Foods store. I could spend hours in their produce section. Today I limited myself to half and hour there and half an hour on the bulk aisle. Stocked up on lots of beans and grains. Another stop was by Target to buy a wok. I'm serious about eating healthier! I say as I sit here and munch a cookie....
Today was definitely a "ducky" day and tonight definitely calls for that second glass of wine.
After my first miscarriage, we talked and she said she wanted to wait until her son was at least 3 to get pregnant again. We haven't really talked about it since then.
You know where this is going, don't you? She emails me today to say that she isn't having a formal birthday party for her son because she is 8 weeks pregnant. I suppose it was nice of her not to tell me that when she was here for G's party and I was having my second m/c (which she knew).
I have so many conflicting emotions. On the one hand I'm happy for her because, of course, I wouldn't wish my situation on anyone. On the other hand, I almost wish she hadn't told me about it at all. I just don't want to deal with it right now. I don't want to deal with someone else being happy when it should be me. There; I've said it: in all its childish glory.
This email came on the heals of going to the dentist this morning. The staff all knows us there and they knew I was pregnant because the dentist wanted to do some fillings so I had to ask him about the effect on pregnancy. I decided to go in today and get it over with and of course everyone had to come by with congratulations. I should have worn a big sign: NOT PREGNANT. My dentist and his wife endured 10 years of infertility treatments before finally adopting. You'd think he'd be one to know what to say. But no; I had to endure the story about another patient who had 4 miscarriages and finally had beautiful healthly child. He says that those m/c were for a reason and she's happy with what she got. I'll leave analysis of that for another day.
Then of course I had to go for my weekly bloodwork. And of course I'm still bleeding.
The good side to this day is that J took G for the day and I got to run all my errands this morning. Part of that included a trip to the Whole Foods store. I could spend hours in their produce section. Today I limited myself to half and hour there and half an hour on the bulk aisle. Stocked up on lots of beans and grains. Another stop was by Target to buy a wok. I'm serious about eating healthier! I say as I sit here and munch a cookie....
Today was definitely a "ducky" day and tonight definitely calls for that second glass of wine.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Wally World
Just in case you were on the edge of your seat waiting to know: yes, I am still bleeding again today. More than yesterday. I'm almost afraid to find out what my levels will be tomorrow. I've inquired of Dr. Google but can't find much information related to bleeding and hormone levels. I'm not even sure if they're related. If it continues, I may go ahead and schedule an appointment with OB just to discuss things in person with her.
So, the biggest news in my smallish town of about 15,000 is that the new Super W*l-M*rt just opened. 24/7, closed only on Christmas Day I think. My neice informs me that it is the biggest W*l-M*rt in Ohio, 3rd largest in the nation, and 9th largest in the World. How oh how did we get the dubious distinction of containing it? The behemoth consists of 206,000 square feet after abondoning their paltry 74,000 square foot building across the road.
It's not that I'm against progress. This W*l-M*rt is only the first of many large retail stores that will open here in the near future and I'm glad to see the area growing. I knew when we moved here that it will eventually become a suburb of Columbus. I'm hoping that more people will mean better funded schools and more job opportunities for myself when that day comes.
I also don't necessarily have a problem with big-box retailers. Target is one of my favorite places in the world to shop and I will be glad to see this town get one eventually.
What I do have a big problem with is W*l-M*rt. When I first started typing this post, I was going to make it a comprehensive reference on the evils of the chain. But there's plenty of people out there who have done that much more succintly than me. If you're interested, just google why is walmart bad and you will have plenty of reading material. Basically, they are the worst of the worst in how they treat their employees, their suppliers, and even (in my own humble opinion) their customers.
One issue that really haunts me about W*l-M*rt is a subject that is currently near and dear to my heart: health insurance. The average national wage of W*l-M*rt employees is $10.11. One site I found said that family coverage is $218/month. Considerng that most employees are limited to about 30 hours of work per week, that's a pretty significant percentage of pay. And, to add insult to injury, their coverage caps out at paying $1000/year. There's no way that the vast majority of W*l-M*rt employees could even consider any kind of fertility treatments.
Well, I've ranted enough. I'll step down from the soapbox now. I'm telling all my friends that I have no plans to set foot in the new W*l-M*rt. This statement draws horrified, unbelieving looks from most of them. But it makes them stop and think. And that's all I'm asking: that you just take a moment to pause and consider.
So, the biggest news in my smallish town of about 15,000 is that the new Super W*l-M*rt just opened. 24/7, closed only on Christmas Day I think. My neice informs me that it is the biggest W*l-M*rt in Ohio, 3rd largest in the nation, and 9th largest in the World. How oh how did we get the dubious distinction of containing it? The behemoth consists of 206,000 square feet after abondoning their paltry 74,000 square foot building across the road.
It's not that I'm against progress. This W*l-M*rt is only the first of many large retail stores that will open here in the near future and I'm glad to see the area growing. I knew when we moved here that it will eventually become a suburb of Columbus. I'm hoping that more people will mean better funded schools and more job opportunities for myself when that day comes.
I also don't necessarily have a problem with big-box retailers. Target is one of my favorite places in the world to shop and I will be glad to see this town get one eventually.
What I do have a big problem with is W*l-M*rt. When I first started typing this post, I was going to make it a comprehensive reference on the evils of the chain. But there's plenty of people out there who have done that much more succintly than me. If you're interested, just google why is walmart bad and you will have plenty of reading material. Basically, they are the worst of the worst in how they treat their employees, their suppliers, and even (in my own humble opinion) their customers.
One issue that really haunts me about W*l-M*rt is a subject that is currently near and dear to my heart: health insurance. The average national wage of W*l-M*rt employees is $10.11. One site I found said that family coverage is $218/month. Considerng that most employees are limited to about 30 hours of work per week, that's a pretty significant percentage of pay. And, to add insult to injury, their coverage caps out at paying $1000/year. There's no way that the vast majority of W*l-M*rt employees could even consider any kind of fertility treatments.
Well, I've ranted enough. I'll step down from the soapbox now. I'm telling all my friends that I have no plans to set foot in the new W*l-M*rt. This statement draws horrified, unbelieving looks from most of them. But it makes them stop and think. And that's all I'm asking: that you just take a moment to pause and consider.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Still!
CD28 and, yes, I'm still bleeding. Very light but more than spotting. I keep trying to compare my two m/c. The first one I bled/spotted for 31 days. I'm beginning to believe I'll beat that this time around.
Thanks for the inputs on vegetarian cookbooks. I'll check out all of them. I also plan to do some research and buy a wok sometime soon as that's something I've always wanted. I'm worried that it might not work so well on a flat top (ceramic) stove. If anyone's got any input on that, please speak up!
I stopped at the library today and every single one of the cookbooks I had on reserve had shown up. There were 8 or 10 of them! Of course, cookbooks are never small. Poor G had to walk to the car because, even though I had a shoulder bag, there was no way I could carry 100 pounds of cookbooks and 30 pounds of G. I'm looking forward to some light reading today.
My daughter has a very uncanny ability to know when my SIL/her pediatrician is leaving town. I think twice in her life she's gotten sick with a fever and both times it was when SIL was out of town. Yesterday was the third time. She woke up sick from her nap and it was a long afternoon/evening. Thank the Universe for Motrin and Tylenol because they knocked out her fever pretty good and when Mommy finally figured out that drinking a half a cup of milk in 2 seconds flat is enough to make anyone barf, she was feeling much better. She slept all night and is going for a marathon nap today. Lots of time to read cookbooks.
Thanks for the inputs on vegetarian cookbooks. I'll check out all of them. I also plan to do some research and buy a wok sometime soon as that's something I've always wanted. I'm worried that it might not work so well on a flat top (ceramic) stove. If anyone's got any input on that, please speak up!
I stopped at the library today and every single one of the cookbooks I had on reserve had shown up. There were 8 or 10 of them! Of course, cookbooks are never small. Poor G had to walk to the car because, even though I had a shoulder bag, there was no way I could carry 100 pounds of cookbooks and 30 pounds of G. I'm looking forward to some light reading today.
My daughter has a very uncanny ability to know when my SIL/her pediatrician is leaving town. I think twice in her life she's gotten sick with a fever and both times it was when SIL was out of town. Yesterday was the third time. She woke up sick from her nap and it was a long afternoon/evening. Thank the Universe for Motrin and Tylenol because they knocked out her fever pretty good and when Mommy finally figured out that drinking a half a cup of milk in 2 seconds flat is enough to make anyone barf, she was feeling much better. She slept all night and is going for a marathon nap today. Lots of time to read cookbooks.
Friday, March 24, 2006
Food
I'm writing this post mainly because I'm hungry! I want very desperately to lose just 5 extra pounds before I put on anymore baby weight. No one will really notice if I do or not but I am very conscious about not letting my weight creep up. My mother's side of the family has so many bad heart genes and my mother constantly battles her weight. My theory is that it's best to keep it under control rather than try to lose a bunch of it later.
Problem right now is that I have no willpower! There was a time when I could easily drop 5 pounds in a short period of time just by portion control. But this is a very stubborn bit of weight this time around it seems. I am willing to admit, too, that part of me is probably still dealing with some grief issues and just trying to deal with this whole infertility thing. But that's an excuse and I know it.
I've never been much of a cook. I've also always liked eating out. When G was born I knew I had to get better in the kitchen because 1. she needs to grow up with healthy attitudes about food and 2. we can't afford to eat out like we could on two incomes. For a long time now I've fallen back on the recipes I grew up with. Most of them are ground meat based casseroles because that's what my Mom cooked. Even though I buy organic meat, I still just don't feel right about eating so much of it.
So I'm trying to make a switch to a less-meat diet. I can't say that I'm going completely vegetarian because I just enjoy a really good steak too much to ever do that. And I certainly couldn't go vegan (without dairy). I've got a slew of vegetarian cookbooks on reserve at the library and I just finished a copy of Vegetarian times. I even copied a few recipes out of it. Does it count that the first one I'm going to try is for scones???!
Anyway, if anyone has any good meat-less recipes that are easy to cook, please pass them along. Or any recommendations for good cookbooks.
Gotta go check on those scones!
Problem right now is that I have no willpower! There was a time when I could easily drop 5 pounds in a short period of time just by portion control. But this is a very stubborn bit of weight this time around it seems. I am willing to admit, too, that part of me is probably still dealing with some grief issues and just trying to deal with this whole infertility thing. But that's an excuse and I know it.
I've never been much of a cook. I've also always liked eating out. When G was born I knew I had to get better in the kitchen because 1. she needs to grow up with healthy attitudes about food and 2. we can't afford to eat out like we could on two incomes. For a long time now I've fallen back on the recipes I grew up with. Most of them are ground meat based casseroles because that's what my Mom cooked. Even though I buy organic meat, I still just don't feel right about eating so much of it.
So I'm trying to make a switch to a less-meat diet. I can't say that I'm going completely vegetarian because I just enjoy a really good steak too much to ever do that. And I certainly couldn't go vegan (without dairy). I've got a slew of vegetarian cookbooks on reserve at the library and I just finished a copy of Vegetarian times. I even copied a few recipes out of it. Does it count that the first one I'm going to try is for scones???!
Anyway, if anyone has any good meat-less recipes that are easy to cook, please pass them along. Or any recommendations for good cookbooks.
Gotta go check on those scones!
Movies and Pads
Last night's movie was The Four Feathers. It's a 2002 movie so I'm definitely running a little behind! Anyway, if you're interested in the glory days of the British Empire, you'll enjoy this one. I liked the story line because the hero (Heath Ledger) joined the army just because his father expected it of him but when he learns his regiment is being sent to the Sudan, he resigns. This is a movie where I think the book would probably add a lot of depth to the story, but you get the impression that he leaves the army because he doesn't agree with the whole concept of war. Most of the movie is set in the Sudan and filmed in Morocco. North Africa is near to my heart for many reasons and I thoroughly enjoyed the scenery of the movie.
If any of you were intriqued with the idea of cloth pads and were thinking about trying them out, here's the perfect opportunity. I just got an email from Perfect Pads and they are having a shipping special:
I may buy a few extra myself!
In fertility news, I'm still spotting. I've been doing some research into the cost of Clomid and Progesterone. It looks like drugstore.com has good prices on both but I worry about the timing of actually getting them. So for the first month I may just go with a local pharmacy. I hate that you can't easily check prices on this kind of stuff.
If any of you were intriqued with the idea of cloth pads and were thinking about trying them out, here's the perfect opportunity. I just got an email from Perfect Pads and they are having a shipping special:
I for one am SO glad it's finally spring, so it feels like a good time for a sale, don't you think? :-) I know you love our $3 flat rate shipping sale, so Happy Spring! :-) From now until 11:59 PM Pacific Time on Sunday March 28, all orders to US addresses placed in the Perfect Pads shopping cart will be charged only $3 for shipping, regardless of how big the order is.
So, the more you buy, the more you save. Use Special Code SPRING to get this deal - just do your shopping, and when you check out enter coupon code SPRING, you'll only be charged $3 for shipping.
I may buy a few extra myself!
In fertility news, I'm still spotting. I've been doing some research into the cost of Clomid and Progesterone. It looks like drugstore.com has good prices on both but I worry about the timing of actually getting them. So for the first month I may just go with a local pharmacy. I hate that you can't easily check prices on this kind of stuff.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Can you hear me laughing all the way over here in Ohio?
Obviously I never fully understood the whole conception thing but this video has truly enlightened me. May it be for you too a light shining in the darkness. (Note: it's not x-rated but it's probably not something for the office).
Link
Link
Round In Circles
My talk with the insurance company went pretty much as I expected. They could not/would not give me a definition of what "Diagnostic Testing" procedures were covered; just that anything to diagnose infertility is covered. So I think I'm good on the HSG but I think it will be on a case by case basis. I asked about the sperm analysis and she said to just have my provider write a letter explaining that the test was ordered for infertility diagnostic testing and it would probably be covered. Considering that it was only $65 and done back in January and I've already paid the bill, I think I will let that one ride. If they don't cover the HSG, I'll have enough to deal with fighting that one.
On the drug front, it looks like neither Clomid nor progesterone are covered. Anyone have an idea on the cost of these?
I really wanted to be closely monitored on the Clomid to make sure it is helping me but I think that those ultrasounds won't be covered since it is infertility "treatment" and not diagnostic. At $300+ a pop, I am rethinking that. I still have some research to do to see what other kind of monitoring is available. My insurance will cover most bloodwork at 100% so maybe there are options there.
I feel like I've got big black financial clouds hanging over my head. How much does one spend in the pursuit of having a baby? Then there's the whole income tax audit issue. Not to mention the very real possibility that J could still lose his job in the near future. I can only hope that his company can hold on long enough for me to get the HSG out of the way and get pregnant, since pregnancy, by law, cannot be considered a preexisting condition. On the other hand, he's got some contacts with a company that I'm sure has very good insurance coverage that would probably cover infertility. Well, I'm still holding out hope that I'll do the HSG and have an all clear and get pregnant right away with a healthy baby. Like I've said before, a girl can hope, can't she?!
On the drug front, it looks like neither Clomid nor progesterone are covered. Anyone have an idea on the cost of these?
I really wanted to be closely monitored on the Clomid to make sure it is helping me but I think that those ultrasounds won't be covered since it is infertility "treatment" and not diagnostic. At $300+ a pop, I am rethinking that. I still have some research to do to see what other kind of monitoring is available. My insurance will cover most bloodwork at 100% so maybe there are options there.
I feel like I've got big black financial clouds hanging over my head. How much does one spend in the pursuit of having a baby? Then there's the whole income tax audit issue. Not to mention the very real possibility that J could still lose his job in the near future. I can only hope that his company can hold on long enough for me to get the HSG out of the way and get pregnant, since pregnancy, by law, cannot be considered a preexisting condition. On the other hand, he's got some contacts with a company that I'm sure has very good insurance coverage that would probably cover infertility. Well, I'm still holding out hope that I'll do the HSG and have an all clear and get pregnant right away with a healthy baby. Like I've said before, a girl can hope, can't she?!
This is your brain after miscarriages
The nurse from SIL's office called the other day and told me my numbers from Monday. I knew in the back of my mind I should go right then and write it down but I didn't. So when I finally extracted myself from playing with the Little Miss, I was suddenly brain blank and I could not for the life of me remember the number. So I dreamed up 81. It sounded pretty good.
This morning the nice nurse from the OB's office called. She sad she just wanted to make sure that everything was resolved from my bleeding issues last week. She mentioned that they got my numbers from Monday - 64. Even better than I thought. Although I'm still having light bleeding off and on which makes my heart stop every time I see it. Is it too much to ask to have a pregnancy with absolutely, positively NO bleeding?
I spent a while last night with some light reading: my insurance coverage book. Lorem recently recommended the book How to be a Successful Fertility Patient, mainly for the chapter on dealing with insurance companies. I haven't made it through the book yet - I'm still working my way through the insurance chapter. But it looks like it's got some good, relavant information. Anyway, my insurance specifically excludes coverage for infertility but under their list of specific inclusions, it lists "Infertility Diagnostic Testing". Which sounds like J's sperm analysis should have been covered. The book recommends calling or writing the insurance company to obtain information (in writing) about specific coverages. So that's my task today: to find out specifically what diagnostic testing they'll pay for.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
"Some" Mothers
Imagine this scene: It's a dark, cold night; a nippy 32 degrees out with snow still on the ground. You pop into the library and notice a toddler in the kids' area. She's got at least three dozen books around her and is actively pulling more down. A box of toys is upended nearby. But her clothes! She's wearing a jumper dress that barely covers her diaper, no socks or stockings, and summer sandals. What kind of mother lets her child go out in the freezing cold in THAT?
Okay, I'll admit it: I do. G wanted to go to the library tonight but she did NOT want to put her stockings back on and she already had her sandals on. So we went. She didn't complain about the cold; she didn't even get goosebumps. She definitely has her father's internal thermometer.
Yes, I am one of "those" mothers that dresses her child poorly in public. I admit it. Remember me when you are trying to decide if it's worth it to fight with your toddler on whether to wear the stockings or not.
Okay, I'll admit it: I do. G wanted to go to the library tonight but she did NOT want to put her stockings back on and she already had her sandals on. So we went. She didn't complain about the cold; she didn't even get goosebumps. She definitely has her father's internal thermometer.
Yes, I am one of "those" mothers that dresses her child poorly in public. I admit it. Remember me when you are trying to decide if it's worth it to fight with your toddler on whether to wear the stockings or not.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Numbers and Audits
Got a call today: my HCG was 81 yesterday. Over half what it was the week before. So it's coming down faster than last week but I figure I realistically have 3 or 4 weeks to go. This number at least makes me feel better about not having retained tissue.
Got a letter in the mail today from the City of Columbus Ohio Income Tax Division. Yes, I'm being audited. Seems that even though they never sent me any forms the 4 years I lived there, they can audit me. They can even do it for a year in which I had not set foot in Ohio except to visit. I don't think I'll end up owing them money because the company I worked for was based in another town. But just gathering 5 years worth of income tax info is a pain. The last 2 years I have used an aviation tax specialist who gives me PDF copies of the return on disc. That feature alone is worth it when being audited I think. This will be my first audit. I hope I pass.
Got a letter in the mail today from the City of Columbus Ohio Income Tax Division. Yes, I'm being audited. Seems that even though they never sent me any forms the 4 years I lived there, they can audit me. They can even do it for a year in which I had not set foot in Ohio except to visit. I don't think I'll end up owing them money because the company I worked for was based in another town. But just gathering 5 years worth of income tax info is a pain. The last 2 years I have used an aviation tax specialist who gives me PDF copies of the return on disc. That feature alone is worth it when being audited I think. This will be my first audit. I hope I pass.
Spring?!
Today is the Vernal Equinox and it's snowing cats and dogs out. I think we're supposed to get 2-4" today. The good news about this season is that it marks the beginning of a season of fertility. I suppose that's good news for all us trying to get pregnant. Maybe those little bunnies will share some good luck with us. I wonder if any studies have ever been done about the months women get pregnant and the likelihood those pregnancies will be viable. I conceived the Little Miss in early June. Both my miscarriages were conceived in January. Do you think I would ever in my right mind "try" in January again? Well, at the rate my HCG is falling, it may be June before we can try again! In the meantime, I guess it's time to start thinking about Spring Cleaning.
J and I had a good knock down drag out fight yesterday. Seems like we have to have them every few months to get all the bile out of our systems. It amazes me that two people who have been married almost 10 years can sometimes fail so miserably to communicate. The short of it is that he was waiting for me and I was waiting for him. We were both waiting for each other to be ready to leave and go to the Y yesterday. This went on for almost an hour before I finally lost it. Then we yelled accusations for a while. Then everything was okay. Well, okay, I sulked the rest of the day and J let me have the afternoon "off" to go on a scrapbook shopping spree at JoAnn's while G napped. Then everything was okay although my pin money is $40 less today. But I got some great stuff to keep me busy while it's snowing outside!
J and I had a good knock down drag out fight yesterday. Seems like we have to have them every few months to get all the bile out of our systems. It amazes me that two people who have been married almost 10 years can sometimes fail so miserably to communicate. The short of it is that he was waiting for me and I was waiting for him. We were both waiting for each other to be ready to leave and go to the Y yesterday. This went on for almost an hour before I finally lost it. Then we yelled accusations for a while. Then everything was okay. Well, okay, I sulked the rest of the day and J let me have the afternoon "off" to go on a scrapbook shopping spree at JoAnn's while G napped. Then everything was okay although my pin money is $40 less today. But I got some great stuff to keep me busy while it's snowing outside!
Monday, March 20, 2006
Monday Blues
I got my blood drawn again today. Everybody please send the universe low number thoughts. Although, I also had another episode of bleeding this morning, so I don't expect the number to be down much. The thing I hate about this bleeding is that it seems to come on so suddenly, with no warning whatsoever. I was changing into my swimsuit this morning and saw quite quickly that there was no way I could go swimming. Thank goodness J was there to take G swimming since she already had her suit on and was so excited she could hardly contain herself.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Talk, Talk, Talk
My folks are headed out in just a few hours so I can finally blog about them. Namely the fact that my Mom drives me absolutely crazy.
My Dad I can get along with just fine. We can spend hours in companionable silence and then have a conversation, then go back to silence.
My Mom is a talk-a-holic. And it's her subject matter that drives me insane. Her number 1 topic is her health problems (and believe me, she has enough to keep you entertained for days). Second most favorite topic is other people's health problems. This one is fed by all those "prayer requests" at church. And her third favorite topic is people who have died macabre or morbid deaths.
Telling you a story once is just not enough for my Mom. She usually has to work through her repertoire about once a day. Which is okay (while utterly boring) for health issues. But if she tells me one more time about a recent grisly murder I'll scream.
So they are leaving about 4am tomorrow to start the long drive home. And, while I hate to see them go for their granddaughter's sake, I will not miss any more recitations of Mom's heart attack or dental work.
My Dad I can get along with just fine. We can spend hours in companionable silence and then have a conversation, then go back to silence.
My Mom is a talk-a-holic. And it's her subject matter that drives me insane. Her number 1 topic is her health problems (and believe me, she has enough to keep you entertained for days). Second most favorite topic is other people's health problems. This one is fed by all those "prayer requests" at church. And her third favorite topic is people who have died macabre or morbid deaths.
Telling you a story once is just not enough for my Mom. She usually has to work through her repertoire about once a day. Which is okay (while utterly boring) for health issues. But if she tells me one more time about a recent grisly murder I'll scream.
So they are leaving about 4am tomorrow to start the long drive home. And, while I hate to see them go for their granddaughter's sake, I will not miss any more recitations of Mom's heart attack or dental work.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Hard Looking
How do you deal with seeing very pregnant women? There is a water aerobics class for pregnant women at the Y and it always seems to be going on when I am there. Usually there is just one woman who looks to be somewhere around 7 months. Today she was joined by another who looked about ready to pop.
On the one hand, I really want to feel happy for these women. Who knows that they haven't had losses in the past? Who knows that they haven't struggled for years to be finally carrying this precious burden.
On the other hand, I just can't bear to look at them. It just reminds me of all the hopes I've lost and it sucks. I don't know if I can ever enjoy looking at pregnant women again. I don't even know if I'll ever enjoy looking at myself pregnant again.
Did anyone think to tell Mr. Universe that infertility and loss royally suck?
On the one hand, I really want to feel happy for these women. Who knows that they haven't had losses in the past? Who knows that they haven't struggled for years to be finally carrying this precious burden.
On the other hand, I just can't bear to look at them. It just reminds me of all the hopes I've lost and it sucks. I don't know if I can ever enjoy looking at pregnant women again. I don't even know if I'll ever enjoy looking at myself pregnant again.
Did anyone think to tell Mr. Universe that infertility and loss royally suck?
Friday, March 17, 2006
Hanging in there
Got a call first thing from the phone nurse at the OB's office. She said Dr. OB's message is to not worry about the bleeding and just wait it out till my levels are down to 0, then call about the HSG. So if she's worried about retained tissue, she's not indicating it.
So I guess we are back to waiting. I'll go in Tuesday and get another beta and keep hoping against hope that it is going down faster. I am still having light spotting.
So I guess we are back to waiting. I'll go in Tuesday and get another beta and keep hoping against hope that it is going down faster. I am still having light spotting.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
On Hold
Well, it's been a roller coaster kind of day. Here's the summary: I called the OB's office first thing and spoke with the most wonderful phone nurse, C. She patiently listened to everything I said and wrote it all down. I told her that what I was experiencing was very much like a period but I thought it was too early for one. She said not necessarily. Then I told her that my HCG was 251 last Monday but I didn't know my results from this past Monday. So she said she'd get my chart and tell Dr. OB everything and let me know.
About an hour later, just when I was beginning to think I'd been forgotten, she called back. She was still trying to track down my bloodwork results but she had talked to Dr. OB who wanted to assure me that I should not worry. I can't tell you how good that made me feel. She promised to call back as soon as she got my numbers and showed them to Dr. OB.
About an hour after that, she called me back. She hadn't been able to talk to Dr. OB, but she did have my numbers from Monday: 180. That's a halving time of 350 hours. Way way way up from the previous week's 60 hours. I'm afraid to calculate it out. At this rate, I may have a baby in 2008.
So, I'm still waiting to hear back from C as to what Dr. OB wants me to do. The good news is that my cramping is pretty much gone (maybe from the Advil) and mostly today it's been very light/spotting and mostly dark red, almost brown in color.
What I am afraid of now is retained tissue. I had so hoped to avoid a D&C and I am so afraid that she is waiting to call me this evening to discuss just that.
So here I sit, waiting. That seems to be my persistant state these days.
About an hour later, just when I was beginning to think I'd been forgotten, she called back. She was still trying to track down my bloodwork results but she had talked to Dr. OB who wanted to assure me that I should not worry. I can't tell you how good that made me feel. She promised to call back as soon as she got my numbers and showed them to Dr. OB.
About an hour after that, she called me back. She hadn't been able to talk to Dr. OB, but she did have my numbers from Monday: 180. That's a halving time of 350 hours. Way way way up from the previous week's 60 hours. I'm afraid to calculate it out. At this rate, I may have a baby in 2008.
So, I'm still waiting to hear back from C as to what Dr. OB wants me to do. The good news is that my cramping is pretty much gone (maybe from the Advil) and mostly today it's been very light/spotting and mostly dark red, almost brown in color.
What I am afraid of now is retained tissue. I had so hoped to avoid a D&C and I am so afraid that she is waiting to call me this evening to discuss just that.
So here I sit, waiting. That seems to be my persistant state these days.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
What the f*ck is going on with me??f
Excuse my crude language, but could someone please tell me what's going on with my body??? So I'm sitting there tonight and all of a sudden I feel something coming out of me. Down there. I think "crap I just wet my pants". I go to the potty and find out I'm frickin bleeding. Not heavily but enough to feel it coming out (I've never actually felt it coming out - is that normal?) and there are a couple of small clots on the TP. Now I'm starting to feel crampy. I'm also starting to feel scared. What if I start bleeding heavily in the middle of the night? I'm going to have some explaining to do to my parents I guess.
Anyway, It's been 18 days since my m/c started and 12 days since the m/c bleeding stopped. Everything I've read said it can't possibly be a period until you've gone 21 days without bleeding. I suppose it could be retained tissue, but you'd think my hormone levels would be higher and not dropping faster than they did after the D&C.
Damn. It feels like a roller coaster that goes up and down every hour. Higher and lower each time. I just want to get off. I just want to be normal.
At this moment, assuming the bleeding doesn't get worse or anything, my plan is to call the OB first thing tomorrow and let her know about the bleeding and also see what my hormone levels were on Monday. Maybe they can shed some light on things. Maybe they can point me to the exit sign to get off this hellish ride.
Anyway, It's been 18 days since my m/c started and 12 days since the m/c bleeding stopped. Everything I've read said it can't possibly be a period until you've gone 21 days without bleeding. I suppose it could be retained tissue, but you'd think my hormone levels would be higher and not dropping faster than they did after the D&C.
Damn. It feels like a roller coaster that goes up and down every hour. Higher and lower each time. I just want to get off. I just want to be normal.
At this moment, assuming the bleeding doesn't get worse or anything, my plan is to call the OB first thing tomorrow and let her know about the bleeding and also see what my hormone levels were on Monday. Maybe they can shed some light on things. Maybe they can point me to the exit sign to get off this hellish ride.
Here Come The Folks!
My temp took a nosedive this morning to pre-ovulation levels. Being the optimistic pessimist that I am, can I please assume that my body is returning to some semblance of normal and I can get on with my life?? I am still waiting for my HCG numbers from Monday. The nurse at my SIL's office does my bloodwork out of niceness and I just hate to bug her for my results. I'm hoping that my OB's office will call with them soon.
The other reason I'm hoping the OB's office will call is that I want to ask them about going ahead with the Clomid as soon as I start this cycle. I thought a lot about it and I decided that since the chances of conception after an HSG are boosted, I'd like to throw as much at this next cycle as I possibly can. The OB said previously that she uses Clomid to boost progesterone plus I'll be on progesterone supplements. And I can't deny that the added possibility of multiples appeals to me at this point. I would like to have 3 kids but I don't think we'll be riding this particular roller coaster again. Worst case, I do the Clomid and they find something wrong during the HSG. But if not, then I'll be ready.
My parents arrive in town this evening. They are driving here all the way from Houston. My Mom always was a nervous flier but after 9/11 she announced she would never fly again. Never. Ever. Not even to see her granddaughter. Which puts me in somewhat of a dilema. Travelling with a toddler is way harder than I ever expected it would be and I don't have plans of doing it again anytime soon. On the other hand, the 2 day drive is really hard on them. My Dad is 76 and my Mom is 68. Mom has lots of health problems (overweight, heart disease). Dad is pretty fit but neither of them need to be in a car that long. I've talked to them before about maybe moving up here but they're really not interested. And I don't push because they have a good social network down there and they're happy. This is why I don't want G to be an only child. I have 100% of the burden of my parents. And, while it's a burden I accept gladly and without complaint, it still causes me some sleepless nights. Whenever my phone rings and I see it's their number, my head immediately starts spinning about how to work out the details of getting on the next plane to Houston. Thank goodness it's never come to that but someday it will.
So anyway, they arrive tonight and will stay with us almost a week. J got off work yesterday and promptly headed to Salt Lake for some skiing. His excuse is that our friend out there is really depressed over his recently failed marriage and needs some support. Okay, I'll buy that. My Mom can be really annoying sometimes :-) We get along okay but by the end of their visit I will be glad to see them go.
That's life today in Smalltown USA. Exciting as hell.
The other reason I'm hoping the OB's office will call is that I want to ask them about going ahead with the Clomid as soon as I start this cycle. I thought a lot about it and I decided that since the chances of conception after an HSG are boosted, I'd like to throw as much at this next cycle as I possibly can. The OB said previously that she uses Clomid to boost progesterone plus I'll be on progesterone supplements. And I can't deny that the added possibility of multiples appeals to me at this point. I would like to have 3 kids but I don't think we'll be riding this particular roller coaster again. Worst case, I do the Clomid and they find something wrong during the HSG. But if not, then I'll be ready.
My parents arrive in town this evening. They are driving here all the way from Houston. My Mom always was a nervous flier but after 9/11 she announced she would never fly again. Never. Ever. Not even to see her granddaughter. Which puts me in somewhat of a dilema. Travelling with a toddler is way harder than I ever expected it would be and I don't have plans of doing it again anytime soon. On the other hand, the 2 day drive is really hard on them. My Dad is 76 and my Mom is 68. Mom has lots of health problems (overweight, heart disease). Dad is pretty fit but neither of them need to be in a car that long. I've talked to them before about maybe moving up here but they're really not interested. And I don't push because they have a good social network down there and they're happy. This is why I don't want G to be an only child. I have 100% of the burden of my parents. And, while it's a burden I accept gladly and without complaint, it still causes me some sleepless nights. Whenever my phone rings and I see it's their number, my head immediately starts spinning about how to work out the details of getting on the next plane to Houston. Thank goodness it's never come to that but someday it will.
So anyway, they arrive tonight and will stay with us almost a week. J got off work yesterday and promptly headed to Salt Lake for some skiing. His excuse is that our friend out there is really depressed over his recently failed marriage and needs some support. Okay, I'll buy that. My Mom can be really annoying sometimes :-) We get along okay but by the end of their visit I will be glad to see them go.
That's life today in Smalltown USA. Exciting as hell.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Fun with Google Images
I saw this on a blog as I was surfing today and thought the results were kinda fun.
The Rule is that you take the best picture you like from the first page of Google Images results.
1. The city and state of the town you grew up, no quotation marks.
Pasadena Texas
2. The town where you currently reside.
The county courthouse
3. Your name, first and last, but again, no quotes.
I bought these on amazon some months back and posted a review about them!
4. Your grandmother's name.
Ruby Smith. I thought this was funny (a Smith Woodhouse Ruby port) because my Granny probably never touched a drop of alcohol in her life!
5. Your favorite food.
I could live on cheese enchiladas; just not from Cha-Cha's!
6. Your favorite drink.
That would have to be red wine!
7. Your favorite smell.
This one might be a bit raunchy, but I typed in "clean" and this was definitely the best picture!
The Rule is that you take the best picture you like from the first page of Google Images results.
1. The city and state of the town you grew up, no quotation marks.
Pasadena Texas
2. The town where you currently reside.
The county courthouse
3. Your name, first and last, but again, no quotes.
I bought these on amazon some months back and posted a review about them!
4. Your grandmother's name.
Ruby Smith. I thought this was funny (a Smith Woodhouse Ruby port) because my Granny probably never touched a drop of alcohol in her life!
5. Your favorite food.
I could live on cheese enchiladas; just not from Cha-Cha's!
6. Your favorite drink.
That would have to be red wine!
7. Your favorite smell.
This one might be a bit raunchy, but I typed in "clean" and this was definitely the best picture!
A little laugh at my expense
The other day I scraped the top of my finger while playing with the Little Miss. The skin was still on top of it so it wasn't too bad. Yesterday, though, I managed to get the skin knocked off while trying to get shoes on G. It hurt like he**! Finally I decided to go upstairs and see what we had in the medicine cabinet that would make it not hurt so much. The best I could come up with was Chloraseptic throat spray. I figured what the heck: it did deaden my throat pretty well. So I sprayed it on.
I promise you: the fires of hell were no match for the burning I endured after spraying this stuff on the raw skin that was my finger.
The good news is that about 3 minutes later I could no longer feel the finger. I probably burned off all the nerves.
But it worked.
Now that I've given you a good laugh, I'll bitch about my reproductive state. [gross disclaimer] I had a big blob of eggwhite CM today that was definitely tinged pink. I am also midly crampy today. I keep telling myself that it's just my body trying to get itself back in sync. It is just so frustrating to feel like I am *still* dealing with the m/c. Well, hopefully tomorrow I will get my HCG levels back and hopefully they are still going down at the rate they were last week. I can only hope.
I promise you: the fires of hell were no match for the burning I endured after spraying this stuff on the raw skin that was my finger.
The good news is that about 3 minutes later I could no longer feel the finger. I probably burned off all the nerves.
But it worked.
Now that I've given you a good laugh, I'll bitch about my reproductive state. [gross disclaimer] I had a big blob of eggwhite CM today that was definitely tinged pink. I am also midly crampy today. I keep telling myself that it's just my body trying to get itself back in sync. It is just so frustrating to feel like I am *still* dealing with the m/c. Well, hopefully tomorrow I will get my HCG levels back and hopefully they are still going down at the rate they were last week. I can only hope.
Monday, March 13, 2006
Cloth Diapering
The Little Miss is sleeping extra long today so I thought I'd do my post on cloth diapers.
First off, a little terminology
There are basically 4 types of cloth diapers, ordered from least to most easy to use and also cheapest to most expensive:
What's the best option to use?
Hard to say as it's rather a personal preference. Some people swear by prefolds. I personally was never able to get the darn thing folded right. I have about 2 dozen prefolds and I swear by them only for wiping up puke and stuff like that.
Other people will swear up and down by Fuzzi Bunz. I will admit, the new ones with the waterproof cover look great. They are fleece whereas the AIOs tend to be cotten. I personally didn't like the idea of stuffing in the liner. Also, my daughter for some reason cannot tolerate fleece: it gives her a terrible diaper rash.
My diaper stash consists mainly of Kushies AIOs with some Bumkins (very similar to Kushies; cute designs; new cost around $15). I also have a fair number of Kushies fitted diapers and a good stash of covers. I bought some Fuzzi Bunz in my research stage and they are really cute but, like I said above, I thought stuffing the inserts would be too much work. Plus, the Kushies are cheaper so I was able to buy more for my money.
Sizing
Sizes vary widely by brand. Kushies has 3 different sizes:
Laundry
This is always the big question: How hard are they to clean?? When I first started using cloth, I did all the recommended things: I rinsed them off in the toilet, I presoaked them, I boraxed them, and I line dried them. After a while reality set in! Now I use throw-away liners to catch the poop and then I just throw them in the dry diaper pail. When wash-time comes along I just dump the whole thing in the washer and run it through a sanitary cycle. I will say that my front-loading washer does a hell of a job getting them clean - much better than the top loader and with less wear on the diapers. Then I throw them in the dryer on the very lowest heat setting. The heat in the dryer will ruin your waterproof outer layer faster than anything. I will usually put them in the dryer and let them sit overnight. Then I go through and hang up the ones that are still wet. Line drying them in the sun will take care of most stains but staining has never been a big problem for me.
The key to making laundry easy is to have a big stash. When my daughter was in cloth exclusively, I only washed one load of diapers every 5-6 days.
How Many to buy?
It kind of depends on how often you want to do laundry. With cloth, plan on changing the diaper every 2 hours or so during the day.
Where to buy?
I did all of my buying on ebay. Probably 75% of the diapers I bought were used. I'd get them home, run them through the washer, and they were ready to go. If you go this route, just read the descriptions and ask questions about staining and also about how good the velcro is. I bought all my cloth diapers on ebay for less than $1000. Obviously if you are only planning to have 1 child, cloth diapers are not going to be financially rewarding. But if you have 2 or more kids, they will easily pay for themselves.
If you want to buy brand new, there are a plethora of sites out there that sell them. Just google "cloth diapers" or something similar and start researching the best prices.
What about nighttime?
For a couple of months I experimented with nighttime options but I never found something that didn't have me changing clothes and sheets halfway through the night. In the end I decided to use a disposable at night and never regreted that decision.
The last word
These days my Little Miss is in disposies almost exclusively. Diaper changes every 2 hours are just not feasible with a toddler in my mind! I will sometimes pull out a cloth diaper in the morning when her night diaper is full but I know she's going to poop soon. I am also recently using them more in the afternoon to see if I can get her more used to the feeling of wetness as a prelude to potty training.
I hope someone finds this information helpful. When I tell people I cloth diaper, I get and have gotten many disparaging remarks. Most are from people who have misconceptions about how easy it is to do and they have no clue as to the wealth of options offered these days. Those options didn't exist even 10 year ago probably. I do not regret for one second my decision to cloth diaper and I hope more people will investigate it as an alternative. If anyone has any questions please don't hesitate to ask. Just don't ask me to count the diapers in my stash! Most of them are in boxes with all the baby stuff and I am just not ready to go there!
First off, a little terminology
There are basically 4 types of cloth diapers, ordered from least to most easy to use and also cheapest to most expensive:
- Prefolds, also called "Chinese prefolds". If you are of an age where your mother cloth diapered you, these are probably what she used and they are probably what you think of when you think of cloth diapering. They are rectangular and have extra padding in the middle. You fold them up a certain way, pin them, and put a plastic cover on over them. They run $20-$30 per dozen plus the price of covers which vary widely.
- Pocket dipes. The most popular brand of these is probably Fuzzi Bunz. They are fleece diapers that have the back cut out to make a "pocket" where you can stuff in extra linings. These usually close with snaps or velcro and they usually require a cover. I see on the Fuzzi Bunz site now though that they are making a version with a built-in waterproof outer layer that doesn't require a cover. Brand new, they will run you about $15.
- Fitted dipes. These diapers are shaped like a disposable and usually close with snaps or velcro. They require a cover.
- All-in-ones (AIOs). The cadillacs of cloth diapers. These are basically a fitted dipe with a built-in waterproof on the outside. Kushies are my favorite brand and new ones will run you about $10 each.
What's the best option to use?
Hard to say as it's rather a personal preference. Some people swear by prefolds. I personally was never able to get the darn thing folded right. I have about 2 dozen prefolds and I swear by them only for wiping up puke and stuff like that.
Other people will swear up and down by Fuzzi Bunz. I will admit, the new ones with the waterproof cover look great. They are fleece whereas the AIOs tend to be cotten. I personally didn't like the idea of stuffing in the liner. Also, my daughter for some reason cannot tolerate fleece: it gives her a terrible diaper rash.
My diaper stash consists mainly of Kushies AIOs with some Bumkins (very similar to Kushies; cute designs; new cost around $15). I also have a fair number of Kushies fitted diapers and a good stash of covers. I bought some Fuzzi Bunz in my research stage and they are really cute but, like I said above, I thought stuffing the inserts would be too much work. Plus, the Kushies are cheaper so I was able to buy more for my money.
Sizing
Sizes vary widely by brand. Kushies has 3 different sizes:
- Newborn up to 10#. I have a handful of these but I wouldn't really recommend them unless you get a good price. Depending on your baby's size, you may or may not even use them and then maybe for only a few weeks. They do look really cute though and you will get a lot of comments on them! My advice is to use disposables until the next size.
- Infant 10-22#. This is where the bulk of you diapering will be and I would suggest buying as many as possible. The Little Miss is average size and she wore these up until around 20 months.
- Toddler 22+#. Depending on when you decide to potty train, these may or may not be useful. What I personally found is that not too long after she went into this size, the diaper changes got to be more of a chore and a fight. After a while it was just easier to use a disposie so she could stay in them 3 or 4 hours rather than 1-2 with the cloth.
Laundry
This is always the big question: How hard are they to clean?? When I first started using cloth, I did all the recommended things: I rinsed them off in the toilet, I presoaked them, I boraxed them, and I line dried them. After a while reality set in! Now I use throw-away liners to catch the poop and then I just throw them in the dry diaper pail. When wash-time comes along I just dump the whole thing in the washer and run it through a sanitary cycle. I will say that my front-loading washer does a hell of a job getting them clean - much better than the top loader and with less wear on the diapers. Then I throw them in the dryer on the very lowest heat setting. The heat in the dryer will ruin your waterproof outer layer faster than anything. I will usually put them in the dryer and let them sit overnight. Then I go through and hang up the ones that are still wet. Line drying them in the sun will take care of most stains but staining has never been a big problem for me.
The key to making laundry easy is to have a big stash. When my daughter was in cloth exclusively, I only washed one load of diapers every 5-6 days.
How Many to buy?
It kind of depends on how often you want to do laundry. With cloth, plan on changing the diaper every 2 hours or so during the day.
Where to buy?
I did all of my buying on ebay. Probably 75% of the diapers I bought were used. I'd get them home, run them through the washer, and they were ready to go. If you go this route, just read the descriptions and ask questions about staining and also about how good the velcro is. I bought all my cloth diapers on ebay for less than $1000. Obviously if you are only planning to have 1 child, cloth diapers are not going to be financially rewarding. But if you have 2 or more kids, they will easily pay for themselves.
If you want to buy brand new, there are a plethora of sites out there that sell them. Just google "cloth diapers" or something similar and start researching the best prices.
What about nighttime?
For a couple of months I experimented with nighttime options but I never found something that didn't have me changing clothes and sheets halfway through the night. In the end I decided to use a disposable at night and never regreted that decision.
The last word
These days my Little Miss is in disposies almost exclusively. Diaper changes every 2 hours are just not feasible with a toddler in my mind! I will sometimes pull out a cloth diaper in the morning when her night diaper is full but I know she's going to poop soon. I am also recently using them more in the afternoon to see if I can get her more used to the feeling of wetness as a prelude to potty training.
I hope someone finds this information helpful. When I tell people I cloth diaper, I get and have gotten many disparaging remarks. Most are from people who have misconceptions about how easy it is to do and they have no clue as to the wealth of options offered these days. Those options didn't exist even 10 year ago probably. I do not regret for one second my decision to cloth diaper and I hope more people will investigate it as an alternative. If anyone has any questions please don't hesitate to ask. Just don't ask me to count the diapers in my stash! Most of them are in boxes with all the baby stuff and I am just not ready to go there!
Remembering
One year ago today I had an appointment with my midwife. I had been spotting for about a week and a half. My HCG levels were really high (190,000!) but I thought I was only 7-8 weeks at that point. For that reason, my midwife had delayed doing an ultrasound. At the appointment she said my blood pressure was high and would it make me feel better to go ahead and do the ultrasound. We scheduled it for 2 days hence at 9am. About 48 hours after that I was having a D&C. At the ultrasound my baby measured 9w3d. I was 10w1d pregnant I realized then. My baby had died the week before, about when my spotting stopped.
This is a week that holds a lot of memories for me. It was the week that my innocence was taken away and my belief that things always work out was crushed for good. Curiously enough, right now I don't feel the need for tears. Right now I just want to get on with things. I want this bloodtest that I took this morning to be negative. Even though I know it won't be. I saw my BIL (a former OB) today when I went in for my test and he commiserated with me over my slow dropping numbers. He said that's very unusual for it to take so long. Then he told me to hang in there.
Two years ago today I had a 2 week old baby and horrible bum rash but I think by this point my nipples were finally not hurting when I nursed. It's easy sometimes to dwell on the bad but lately I've been trying to make myself dwell more on the good. Remembering the bad is necessary because I don't ever want to forget my 2 babies who should have been but weren't. But I'll always be grateful for my 1 baby who is.
This is a week that holds a lot of memories for me. It was the week that my innocence was taken away and my belief that things always work out was crushed for good. Curiously enough, right now I don't feel the need for tears. Right now I just want to get on with things. I want this bloodtest that I took this morning to be negative. Even though I know it won't be. I saw my BIL (a former OB) today when I went in for my test and he commiserated with me over my slow dropping numbers. He said that's very unusual for it to take so long. Then he told me to hang in there.
Two years ago today I had a 2 week old baby and horrible bum rash but I think by this point my nipples were finally not hurting when I nursed. It's easy sometimes to dwell on the bad but lately I've been trying to make myself dwell more on the good. Remembering the bad is necessary because I don't ever want to forget my 2 babies who should have been but weren't. But I'll always be grateful for my 1 baby who is.
Still on the Roller Coaster
So with my temp this morning, FF gave me back my ovulation date. I'm now supposedly 5dpo. The weird thing is that when I went to the bathroom this morning, I got very, very light light streaks of red. Not even spotting really, they were so light. And I'm feeling a little crampy. I'd suspect implantation if I was a candidate for immaculate conception. But I'm pretty sure I'm not so I don't know what the hell is going on. I suppose it's my body still trying to readjust itself. I'm off this morning to get more bloodwork so hopefully I'll know more in a couple of days when the results come in. Till then, it's still a roller coaster!
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Ovulation
FF took away my ovulation with my temp today. I had to know that was coming, didn't I? So I'm consoling myself with the fact that now I won't have to worry about having a baby around Christmas. My birthday is the week before Christmas and I've always felt jipped about that.
By my scientific calculations (!) my HCG should be close to 30 tomorrow and below 15 by the end of the week. So maybe my body will gear up and ovulate by the end of March. You gotta allow a girl to hope.
By my scientific calculations (!) my HCG should be close to 30 tomorrow and below 15 by the end of the week. So maybe my body will gear up and ovulate by the end of March. You gotta allow a girl to hope.
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