Thursday, March 30, 2006

That Hope Thing Again

I grew up in Houston, Texas where the temperature stays above 90 degrees for at least 6 months of the year. Then you wake up one day and it's 30 degrees. About two or three times a year you wake up to an absolutely gorgeous day and you wish it was like that all the time. Today in central Ohio is a day like that. It's in the mid 60s and sunny. I would say I wish it was like this all the time but I admit that I rather enjoy going through all the seasons. There's something about the progression of things that just feels right to my soul that craves organization and order. And there's something about emerging from a long winter into spring.

I talked to a friend today and she commented on the weather: "Doesn't a day like today just give you hope?" I've been reflecting on that and I have to agree. As I watch the little squirrels run around my yard and see the birds on the tree and hear the kids next door squeal as they play, yes, it does give me hope. Which is a dangerous thing. Sometimes I think I'd be a better person if I could just squelch the hope. At least, I would stay on a more even keel.

But I've never succeeded in actually doing it. Despite my best efforts, a few days after the start of a cycle I start feeling hope rise up in me that this is going to be the cycle and it's actually going to produce a live baby. How can I continue to think this way given the fact that 2 out of 3 pregnancies have not resulted in live babies and 10 out of the 13 cycles I've charted on FertilityFriend have not produced a pregnancy at all. Those are pretty grim statistics.

And yet I hope. I guess that's what makes me human.

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