Revelations

I just finished another 4 hour Bramwell marathon. And I ordered the rest of the series from half.com since my library doesn't seem to carry it.

I had somewhat of a revalation today. I don't want to offend any of my readers that don't have children yet but I need to write it down. Over the last two days I have done much thinking and been deeply affected by the situation of my friend and her son who is showing symptoms of autism. It's made me take a good long look at my own life and my beautiful daughter. Today I went to get Grace up from her nap and she usually greets me jumping up and down in the crib, but today she was still laying down wrapped up in her blanket quietly talking to Elmo. Even when I stood over her crib she just looked up at me. She had a bit of a fever and obviously didn't feel well. She's got a terrible diaper rash and those are never good days at our house. But when I first walked in a saw her there my stomach just about dropped out of me. I wanted to grab her up and shake her and hold her and make sure she was 100% okay. But I realized that I can never be 100% certain that she is okay. She is the greatest, most precious gift of my life but I have no guarantee that that gift will be there tomorrow. Somehow it made me realize that, even if I'm never able to have another child, I have been blessed beyond measure with the one I do have.

I'm not saying that I'm giving up hope of ever having another baby. I will continue to do whatever I possibly can to have another one. But somewhere along the way today, I think I came to terms with it being okay if I don't. I think I'll live.