Remembering

One year ago today I had an appointment with my midwife. I had been spotting for about a week and a half. My HCG levels were really high (190,000!) but I thought I was only 7-8 weeks at that point. For that reason, my midwife had delayed doing an ultrasound. At the appointment she said my blood pressure was high and would it make me feel better to go ahead and do the ultrasound. We scheduled it for 2 days hence at 9am. About 48 hours after that I was having a D&C. At the ultrasound my baby measured 9w3d. I was 10w1d pregnant I realized then. My baby had died the week before, about when my spotting stopped.

This is a week that holds a lot of memories for me. It was the week that my innocence was taken away and my belief that things always work out was crushed for good. Curiously enough, right now I don't feel the need for tears. Right now I just want to get on with things. I want this bloodtest that I took this morning to be negative. Even though I know it won't be. I saw my BIL (a former OB) today when I went in for my test and he commiserated with me over my slow dropping numbers. He said that's very unusual for it to take so long. Then he told me to hang in there.

Two years ago today I had a 2 week old baby and horrible bum rash but I think by this point my nipples were finally not hurting when I nursed. It's easy sometimes to dwell on the bad but lately I've been trying to make myself dwell more on the good. Remembering the bad is necessary because I don't ever want to forget my 2 babies who should have been but weren't. But I'll always be grateful for my 1 baby who is.