17w1d

At Thanksgiving dinner, a friend's mother came up to congratulate me on my good news. I said thank you but before I could even really think about it, I tempered it with "hopefully it will all work out". Being the wonderful woman that she is, she just smiled and said she hoped so too. I was thinking about the episode later, wondering at what point I will be able to accept that next May we might just be adding another child to our family. I kept thinking that if I got through the first few weeks without spotting, I would feel okay. Then I thought if I made it past the point of my first m/c I would feel okay. Then I thought I would feel better after my first midwife appointment. What I realized, in thinking about all this, is that, even at all those milestones, there was no great and sudden shift in the universe to make me all of a sudden say that things are okay. I think it has as much to do with reading others' stories of late losses and problems at birth than with my own m/c experiences. In that respect at least, the internet is probably hampering more than helping me. And yet, I wouldn't for the world trade the community of support I have found here.

In the end I've decided that the high-level ultrasound must be the deciding factor for me. I find myself looking forward to it with a mixture of dread and longing. But I've decided that if a specialist takes a look and can find nothing outwardly wrong with my baby, then I must accept that things are going to be okay. I'm going into it with this attitude and by golly I hope to come out of it with the same attitude!

Speaking of the ultrasound, I've moved it back a week. It was scheduled for the 6th at 8:30 in the morning which is on the early side for my household! Plus J informed me he would be out of town on an errand and my babysitter can't take G that early. So I called today and they were able to reschedule for 10:30 on the 14th. J will be home and we can leave G at the sitter's if we choose. Or we may take her with us. I will also be closer to 20 weeks at that point (19w3d) which will be better for them seeing more.

17 Weeks

I had another midwife appointment today and all was well. A couple of things surprised me actually.

First off, I discovered that I have only gained 3 pounds since the last visit 4 weeks ago, which is well within the average of a pound a week during the second trimester. My total weight gain so far has only been 8 pounds. I'm happy with that. I still wish I had lost more prior to getting pregnant but I'll have plenty of time to worry about that later!

The second thing that surprised me was finding out how large my uterus is. At this point, it's just below my belly button. I don't know why but I thought it was far smaller. So now that I know that, I realize that I have been feeling quite a bit of movement (I dismissed most of what I was feeling because it was much higher up than I thought my uterus was).

The midwife talked to me about screening tests at this point, namely the AFP blood test. She said, given my age, it would very likely come back positive, since age is a factor in the equation for the test. She said if it did come back positive, the course of action would be a higher level ultrasound and possibly an amnio. I decided I didn't want to fool with the blood test since the results would be essentially meaningless. But I liked the idea of going straight for a high level ultrasound. These are done at the University hospital downtown and includes a consult with a perinatologist for the results. I opted for this route because I think (hope!) it will give me much more peace of mind to have someone looking at things who is more highly trained to spot problems. I can't honestly say at this point if I would do an amnio. I'm taking this one step at a time. Anyway, that is scheduled for 6 December, which is next week Wednesday when I will be 18 weeks.

That's about all I have to report. The visit was very boring and consisted mostly of discussions of what we did for Thanksgiving and what our Christmas plans are. Hopefully all my visits will be that inane!

16 Weeks

Yesterday I sat down to write a post and realized that I couldn't think of anything to say that wasn't negative! J was gone for 11 days straight (5 on the job and 6 days on another project) and it was so much harder than I anticipated to be a single parent. I've learned lessons for any future occurrences of long absences, namely that I will schedule more time with the babysitter next time.

Pregnancy-wise, there is really not much to report. I have been feeling some movement for a week or so now. I still feel yucky most evenings and sometimes during the day. I'm not sure exactly how much weight I've gained but the scale was a little scary this morning as I haven't stepped on it in a while. I had hoped to keep my weight down this time around but I'm not sure that's going to happen. I don't feel like I'm eating a lot more but what I do eat is more calorie and carb-laden and I'm sure that's the cause of the pounds going on. I've had a lot of trouble sleeping at night but I suspect that has more to do with J's absence than the pregnancy. My next midwife appointment is next Monday and hopefully we'll schedule the "big" ultrasound then. I am going to push for sooner rather than later; I need to get it over and get the news that the baby is just fine and healthy.

While J was gone I got this notion that I needed a nice comfy chair for my bedroom. We don't have anything in the way of a chair in there so my reading and computer up there is all done on the bed. I've been wishing for something for a while now but the last few days I started to picture what I wanted. So last night I drug John to the Lazyboy store and spent $500 on the "best selling recliner in America". It's very soft and comfy and it rocks. J and a friend are picking it up for me today. I'll leave you with a funny story from the outing:

While we were in the chair store, G was running around having a grand time. We were the only ones in there (this is a great time of the year to shop apparently!). While I was paying, G ran up to J and announced in her loudest, most theatrical voice "I WENT POO-POO". Of course everyone in the store heard and smiled. So out to the car we went where I remembered that I had not one single diaper with me. Earlier that day we had taken a load of stuff to Goodwill and I took everything out of the car, including the diaper bag, but we had forgotten to put it back. Normally I carry an emergency diaper in my purse but I forgot to replace it from the last "emergency". So there we were, diaperless, with a toddler complaining that she was stinky. I knew there was a Target nearby and I normally use their brand of diapers so we decided to run in there. But we missed the turn. By this time G had decided she also needed more milk NOW and her cup was empty. So we drove to the next exit and I said surely there would be a drugstore there. Nope. Not a single one. So we finally ended up at a gas station where I paid $4.50 for 13 diapers (I normally pay $10 for 80 diapers!). But we had diapers and milk. So I went to change her. No poop. The diaper was barely wet. G was smiling this big smile. I'm pretty sure she knew the trouble she had caused. It turned out to be a good thing because after dinner we went to another store where she again loudly announced "I WENT POO-POO" and this time there was absolutely no argument that she had - the smell was potent.

Moral of the story: always replace your emergency diaper!

15 Weeks

Saturday night I was thinking to myself: I've been feeling pretty good lately, almost like my old self. I haven't felt nauseous or sick in several days! So don't you know that I got up Sunday feeling okay but shortly after breakfast I started feeling pretty bad. By the afternoon I was back to that pukey state. I don't think it was anything I ate but maybe that's a better explanation than "morning sickness" all over again. Today is going good so far but there's still a long ways to go in it.

My next midwife appt is two weeks from today. I'm starting to look forward to the "big" ultrasound. I'd like to know what sex the baby is. But I'm also hoping for some reassurance that there's nothing visibly wrong with the baby. I have never been able to shake the feeling that something might be chromosomally wrong with the baby and it just seems to get stronger as time goes on. I haven't really told anyone my fears because I know they'll be dismissed as my being.... I don't know - just a worry-wart I guess. But the fears are there and they keep me up at night. I have even done some research on amnios but I think in the end I would be too afraid to do it even though the m/c risks are pretty low. But I guess it depends on the outcome of the ultrasound. I hope to get that done the first week or two of December.

In other news, some demon possessed me last night and convinced me that G's hair needed another trim in the back. So I did that with decent results. Then I decided to trim her bangs. They looked okay right then but I was looking at them this morning and all I can say is that the demon possessed me and did a terrible job. And the worst thing is that I got them so short that, to even them up would require that there be pretty much nothing left of them. Note to self: never cut hair in that pukey state.

Vacation Anyone?

I've always worked at places where taking vacation is no big deal. Some places there was so much to do that more than a day of vacation at a time was out of the question. Other places you simply let it be known that you would be off on certain dates and as long as it didn't interfere with projects, it was okay.

Enter my rude introduction to the airline world, where schedules are apparently made months, nay, years in advance. Never mind that the company can't give us next month's schedule before the 20th of the previous month; they want us to know exactly when we're going to want to vacate a year in advance. In November of each month J gets his "vacation bid pack" which is required to be turned in by November 20th. We're supposed to fill out 3 choices for each week of vacation (he's up to 3 weeks now, thank goodness!). It seems to have become a tradition to take a ski vacation in February so that's one week accounted for. There is always much debate over the remaining two weeks. He always requests Christmas week but never gets it.

Of course, the conversation this year had to include what may or may not happen around the first of May. All along I've fought to keep myself from looking too far into the future; from anticipating too strongly what might happen. But the stupid vacation bid pack forced my hand. So we had to discuss in great detail when I am due (7 May), when I think it most likely to happen (Gracie was a week early so I'm betting more like 1 May), and when I need J there.

When G was born, it worked out beautifully. He got home one evening from a trip and she was born about 24 hours later. I think the trip he came off of was a 3 day trip and both nights he spent in Canada where his cell phone doesn't work. I realized later that I had no idea how to get ahold of him had I needed to. He ended up being off for almost 2 weeks after G was born. I asked him if he could be off more like 4 weeks this time and he just looked at me.

So I've officially started thinking about what life might be like when this baby arrives. It's scary. I don't think it was this scary with G because I had no idea what I was in for. Now I'm anticipating the sleep deprivation, the depression, the sore boobs.... all of that magnified by having to care for a toddler at the same time. So the question that keeps bouncing around in my head right now: WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?

14 Weeks: Plump or Pregnant?

I have a page with some pregnancy tickers from various sites, including a humorous one from baby-gaga.net that today says "Just plump or pregnant? Other people are noticing and deciding whether to ask my Mommy this risky question". As far as I know there is still a baby in there but all I really feel is plump. Very plump. Still feeling a bit yucky in the evenings. The boobs, though.... the boobs are getting me. Over the last week or two I have occasionally felt the tingling sensation that always used to accompany milk let-down when I was nursing G. The first time it caught me really off-guard until I remembered that I had felt it before. The other night we went out to dinner and across the restaurant I saw a couple with a crying newborn. I was listening to the conversation and not really even thinking about the baby when all of a sudden I realized that things were getting tingly. It scared me because I fully expected to look down and see two wet spots on my shirt. I had a terrible problem for about the first six months with leaking, although never before I gave birth. I haven't leaked anything yet but I started carrying pads around just in case. I guess part of the reason it scares me is that I now know that if something happened at this point I'd have to deal with milk coming in which was never a problem with my other m/c.

Other than that, I'm starting to get my energy back and I no longer have to deal with real nausea. I can eat pretty much anything now although I am particularly partial to the hot and spicy stuff. I won't say I crave it but I tend towards it. I still don't feel like I've really connected with this little one. I still check the TP every single time but I think I'm not quite as sure I'm going to see something. I haven't touched my handheld doppler in several weeks.

In other news, J went to the dentist this morning and, being the juvenile that he can sometimes be, I had to go with him. Which is fine because everyone there loves seeing G and is always disappointed if one of us comes alone. This time she took much more of an interest in the cleaning and afterwards she sat in the chair and the dentist looked at her teeth. Of course, we then had the dreaded "it's time for the binky to go" conversation. Although he did say her bite was a little worse than would normally be caused by periodic binky use. He said she may end up with braces no matter what but we should still say goodbye to the binky. She can usually only have it in the car and at sleep times. So we "lost" it on the way out to the car and she had a good cry all the way home about that. J wanted me to immediately go cold turkey on it but I said absolutely not. I'm leaving her tomorrow for the day with a new babysitter and I refuse to try that without a binky! So we'll start on Wednesday. Life is about to get much harder for a while. Hopefully cheaper in the long-run (sans braces) but much, much harder on me.

13w3d

I'm finally getting over my cold/sinus. I broke down the other night and took a Tylenol. With G, I never took any medication (Tums doesn't count, does it?!). I feel like this poor kid is already getting second best treatment. You always hear stories of parents who coddle the first child, sanitizing the binky if it so much as touches the floor; then the second child gets the binky if it falls within the 5 or 10 second rule. I know that's going to be me. Although I was fairly laid back with G as far as things like that, I was just as uptight about sleep with her. Early on I got her in a routine and woe to the person that got in the way of that. I know it's going to be much harder to balance a toddler and an infant, so life should be interesting.

G had a great time with Halloween. She quickly got into the concept of ringing doorbells and saying "trick or treat", although she still doesn't understand why, when someone opened the door, she couldn't go in the house! I think she also didn't really "get" that the stuff in her pumpkin was candy. When she got home I let her eat a small thing of M&Ms and then sorted out the rest of the stuff, thinking to keep some for when she asked for it later. She has been happily playing with the pumpkin since then but has never asked for the candy. So this year J and I get the loot all to ourselves! I'm sure next year she'll be wiser.