Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Milestone: Four Weeks

It's hard to believe that I am just now today 4 weeks and I've already had three betas done! I feel so much better about this pregnancy than the last one, though, and I wholly attribute that to being able to watch my numbers rise. So, today my beta was at 354, up from 131 on Monday. That's a doubling time of about 33 hours, about the same as from my beta on Friday to Monday. I keep reminding myself that these rapidly rising numbers don't guarantee anything. But for now they give me hope. I'll go in for another beta on Friday. We're leaving for a trip on Saturday (tentatively depending on Ernesto!), so I probably won't get to check it again till the Friday after that.

I have no real symptoms yet. I remember with G that the symptoms didn't manifest themselves until about 6 weeks. I remember every day looking and hoping for signs and I even started to hope that I would start barfing, just to make myself "feel" pregnant! After I stop doing the betas I guess my next milestone will be looking for pregnancy symptoms! I have been noticeably more tired the last two days but I could contribute that to my recent sleeping habits. I suspect those habits will be changing in the near future!


Every 6 months J has to have a full physical in order to keep his flying license. Every 12 months he has to have an EKG. During this one, the BIL saw some abnormalities that he wanted to check out. So we got up early this morning and went to the hospital for an ultrasound on J's heart. I didn't get to see it but he said it was pretty neat. We're both trying not to think too hard about what problems might be turned up from this. J has always been healthy and has always exercised regularly. But still you think about those athletes you hear about that keel over from a heart attack. Another thing to wait on.

While we were at the hospital I got my blood drawn. I had a bruise from Monday and the lady today was in a big hurry so now I've got one about twice the size. Ouch. I guess we'll have to go to the other arm Friday which I'm not looking forward to. So I'm just waiting on those results.


Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Congrats yet?

I'm still managing to sail on the euphoric seas of my beta yesterday. Funny how something as simple as a number can determine one's mood. Lorem says "Can I say 'Congratulations' yet?" which had me thinking a lot last night. Will there be a magical moment in this pregnancy when I can say "yes, you can congratulate me because I'm going to have a baby"? I think the answer would have to be no. I think it will be a very gradual process of accepting that this pregnancy might work out. I foresee that the process will take about 8 more months! But I've decided to be happy just the same. I don't know if it will work out. I don't know if I'll have another miscarriage. But I do know that I got pregnant on the second try since my surgery and that's a far cry from the year it took to get pregnant after my first m/c. And right now I am pregnant. So by golly I'm going to be happy for myself and try to enjoy it.

I'm writing these words mostly so that I can re-read them in a week or two and remind myself of this feeling!

The RE's office finally called me yesterday afternoon. They didn't have my second beta results yet so I told the nurse what it was. She said that was great. We also clarified the chain of events. I will do betas until I top 1000. Then we can schedule an ultrasound which will take place around 8 weeks. If everything looks good at that ultrasound, the doc will release me to a regular OB. I'm disappointed that I won't be getting more ultrasounds and more monitoring and that I can't stay with him a little longer (past the 10 weeks of my first m/c). On the flip side, I'm hoping that by the 8 week ultrasound we'll be able to see a heartbeat (I have a retroverted uterus which makes seeing things happen a little later). At this point I'm planning to go back to the OB who did my HSG and I'm sure that she will do extra ultrasounds as I feel I need them. I will probably ask for appts every 2 weeks when I first start with her. So, I'm not looking any further than the next milestone (!) but I feel a little better having a tentative plan.

You know, just in case things work out....

Monday, August 28, 2006

Milestone: First Beta Results


One hundred thirty one.

That's a doubling time of every 35ish hours. The average for 14dpo (this is 12dpo for me) is 48 and the range is 17 to 119. So from a theoretical standpoint, things are looking really good right now. I told J that this news out to carry me for a good 24 hours. I just picked up the results from the lab so I don't know what the RE's office will have to say about things.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Happy and sad

I'm doing pretty good today. I even managed to convince myself not to POAS this morning! Trying to hold out for my second beta tomorrow. I went ahead and put up a ticker on my blog. It says I'm 3w4d and I have 255 days left. That seems like an eternity to me when all I really want to dio is make it to 3w5d right now. The past days have been a real roller coaster for me. One moment I'm up and happy and optimistic; the next I'm down, very low down. I think this pregnancy will be a series of milestones: if I can just double at the next beta, if I can just get to 1000 for the ultrasound, if I can just see a heartbeat. One step at a time.

I've spent a good part of the day today reading about the plane crash in Lexington, KY. It was a 50 passenger commuter jet which is the same kind J flies, only for a different company. I think most people see stories like this and are sad for the passengers' families. I saw the story and immediately thought about the pilots of course, picturing myself in their families' shoes. It's a dangerous, scary world out there.

Friday, August 25, 2006

The Bat Story that just won't die

While G was in the bathtub tonight I decided to peak my head in my room (I've been keeping the door closed) and see if the bat had decided to come out. Sure enough, he was in there swooping around. So I called (and woke up!) my friends and they said they'd be right over. They got here and we all 3 went in and started looking. And looking. And looking. No bat. Where is the damn bat?! Finally after probably 15 minutes of looking, my friend J spotted the bat on my bath towel which was slung over the top of the shower stall. After probably another 15 minutes of trying to decide the best way to catch him, T finally coaxed him into a small plastic water bottle. Turns out this was not the same bat: this was just a little baby bat.

So it looks like we might have a colony of bats somewhere in the attic. I'll admit it: time to call the professionals. T said my chimney is closed up pretty tight but there's a fairly big crack in the wall on the side of the chimney (old house, remember) and we think maybe that's where they're coming in. I plan to dig through some of my old fabric tomorrow and try to rig up a little screen so that, if they are coming in there, that might stop them.

I titled one of my posts about the first bat with "Conclusion". Looks like that was just the beginning of a story, probably a rather expensive story.

The Numbers are In

I decided to go get my beta from the lab this evening since the RE's office didn't call me. The number [drum roll please] is 33.7.

At first I thought: that's low. The more I thought about it though, I realized that any number I heard at this point would have been too low in my mind! So I finally got home and consulted Dr. Google. The lowest numbers I can find are for 14DPO where the average beta is 48 and the range is 17-119. So according to that I am probably okay at this point.

Of course I fully realize that nothing can really be determined until Monday when I get another beta done. Until then I guess I will just have to obsess.

Wow: I just calculated out potential doublings. If I double every 72 hours, I should theoretically top 1000 by the end of next week. So we could be looking at an ultrasound in less than 2 weeks. That's a lot of assumptions in that thinking but for now it will have to do.


Thank you so much for all your well-wishes! And thank you doubly for not saying that huge C-word like the nurse at the RE's office did. That word scares me right now. I hope it won't always but it does right now.

Just to set the record straight: I was being rather tongue-in-cheek about the progesterone causing a BFP. Rest assured that I shall continue the progesterone, probably with more diligence than ever before now.

I'm feeling pretty good. Definitely feeling last night's lack of sleep! I've been rather crampy this afternoon but it helps to be able to go look back at G's chart and see that I had cramps at this point with her as well. The other thing I noticed is that at 8dpo with her, I had a bout of nausea like last night's.

I'm definitely scared. No doubt about it. I want so much to believe that this is IT. That this pregnancy will somehow turn out okay. If I say that to people who've never experienced a loss I know that they will be quick to assure me that it will, that they somehow just know that this one will go okay. Of course no one can know that. And it helps so much to have a community of people who can identify with that.

At the same time I'm encouraged, just by the fact that I tested positive so early. With G, I got a BFP at 10dpo. My first m/c I didn't get a BFP until like 6 or 7 weeks. The second m/c I got a very faint positive at about 14dpo. So I'm definitely encouraged.

I decided to go ahead and call the RE's office and see what they had to say. The protocol is this: I did my first beta this afternoon and I'll do another one on Monday. I'll do them every 2 or 3 days from there. Once I hit a magic 1000 I'll go in for my first ultrasound. Then I suppose we'll talk about where to go from there. At this moment I want to stay with the RE as long as possible. But I'm really trying to focus just on this moment. It's just too scary right now to look any further than that.

My Day So Far

4:55: After tossing and turning for what seems like all night, finally decide to get up and pee
4:56: Put the pee on the HPT
4:57: Crawl back in bed because I'm actually cold for some reason
5:10: Stumble back in the bathroom to check the test. Damn. I waited more than the prescribed 10 minutes to check it and there's two lines there. What now?
5:11: Like any sane, rational person, I squeeze out a little more pee for another test
5:12: Eagle eye the test
5:13: Eagle eye the test
5:14: While eagle eyeing the test, realize that there is indeed a second line there.

I'm 9dpo and I'm afraid to draw any conclusions here. For lack of any other explanations, I must conclude that double lines on HPTs are yet another side effect of progesterone.


I'm scared.

Oh yeah, It's 5:35 in the morning and my bat is back, flying around my room. Again.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

He's a Keeper!

This evening, a little while after I did my progesterone, I started feeling really nauseous. I mean really bad. So I called my hubby up (he left this afternoon for a 3 day trip) and asked him if our lunch had made him sick.
k.: Are you sick from our lunch today?
j.: Nope
k.: Not at all? You didn't feel anything?
j.: No, why are you sick?
k.: Yeah, I'm not feeling very good at all.
j.: You think it was lunch?
k.: Well, I guess it could have been something from supper last night.
j.: Maybe it's consequences*

* consequences, of course, being what happens if you're not careful with all that wild whoopee we're forced to endure each month in the name of making a baby.

J's not very comfortable talking about bodily functions, least of all about reproduction. So I don't tell him when it's "that" time of the month and I don't tell him when I get a peak on my OPK and I don't tell him when I'm testing with HPTs. And he's happy with that. So I have to be a little proud of him that he's put 2 and 2 together (the period of really wild whoopee every day is over + I lay down twice a day for my progesterone) and he's figured out that it might be time for some news. Which is really kinda cute in my opinion.

Well, since nausea is one of the side effects listed for progesterone I'm not reading too much in to it. And I'm still rather convinced it's something I ate. But I'm definitely giving my hubby brownie points for thinking that it could possibly be something else!

Looking forward to vacation!

I just knew this morning that I'd get that elusive third high temp and that FF would reward me by saying that my chart was triphasic. But I didn't. So life goes on. This morning I counted up my HPTs and stored them in the cabinet within reach in the bathroom. All ready to go tomorrow morning because, you know, I am just a glutton for the punishment of BFNs.

J leaves for a trip this evening. When he gets back Sunday night, he will be off for almost 3 weeks! For about 5 of those days we plan to go visit relatives in the Carolinas. We will also hopefully take a couple of days for just us. Whether we go winery touring or something a bit less alcoholic depends on the results of this weekend. The bad news is that we will be visiting the Carolinas during my round of Clomid. I've got to read up on the side effects so that I can be on my guard!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Must Read

I'm sure this site will be making its way around the net soon. If you haven't seen it already, you simply must! Not only does the guy have a gift for words and humor, he gives the perspective from the "other side of the bed" as he puts it. I seriously might have to give this to J if we end up having to go the frozen route. I'm sure he'll appreciate it!!

Clomid, Here we come

I got a call this morning from my RE's nurse. I have to say: they are always prompt at returning calls. So, it looks like I will start Clomid on CD3, then go in for an ultrasound at CD13 or 14. If I have some follies that look good, I'll do a trigger shot. I was a little worried about the cost of that after hearing Lorem's cost horror stories. But the HCG trigger is the cheap part of it, less than $40 she said. So she is calling both those in for me. This will be the same pharmacy that has somehow managed to get my prometrium covered so I'm crossing my fingers that they might be able to do the same magic with this stuff. The nurse even offered to call it in to a mail order pharmacy for me which I suspect would be cheaper but I decided to support my local pharmacy (it's truly a local one down the street that even delivers if you need it) and see how much it costs.

I've decided I won't pick up the prescriptions right away. I mean, I am only 7DPO and I haven't totally written this cycle off. And of course, the second high temp on my chart means nothing. Remember that. It's just the progesterone.

The nurse also asked me about hubby's "availability" once I got the trigger. I explained his unusual schedules and she said they can always freeze some sperm and do an IUI. The cost for that would be $183 for freezing and $319 for the wash and IUI, so about $500. While I don't really want to spend that much and I know it would be a big task to persuade John, I don't want to go through all that medicine and then not have sperm at the right time. But the nurse and I agreed that we can cross that bridge when we come to it.

So there you have it: a plan already for the next cycle. And we haven't even finished this cycle. I will start testing Saturday, maybe Friday.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006


Really nothing much to report today; at least nothing that can top the bat story. This morning Gracie and I went to a playgroup that was hosted by my friend L. It's a nice group of women but, as hard as I listened to all the conversations, I didn't hear a single one that didn't center around the kids. Well, that may be a little unfair but the vast majority of talk was about the kids. Yesterday J and I had a long conversation trying to debug a problem with the website that we run. I found myself thinking: I miss this! I miss talking about computers with someone who knows what I'm talking about. So I decided to start my own group: former computer programmers, now Moms, who want to talk about something other than kids. I'm sure it's going to be a thriving group given a little time.

At any rate, G had a lot of fun playing with all her friend's toys. The funny thing I noticed, though, is that she definitely has a touch of my personality. She will jump right in on things that interest her but she prefers to do it alone. She was quite content to spend most of the time in the area of the room with the couch, playing on the pillows. I don't think she's going to be painfully shy like me but I do think she will always march to the beat of her own drummer and meet life on her own terms.

I am now 6 days into a 12 or 13 day luteal phase. So about halfway through. I'm not reading anything at all into the fact that my temp went up a little this morning. Nope, not reading anything into that. It's the progesterone you know. And I'm sure it will go down tomorrow. Seriously, it's so hard not to read something into every little thing. I decided to go ahead and call my RE about doing Clomid next month, so I left a message this afternoon about that. Just waiting.... waiting.... waiting....

Monday, August 21, 2006

Bats in the Belfry: The Conclusion

When last we left off in the bat story, the bat was hiding somewhere in my room. Yesterday evening I decided to open the windows to encourage an exit. I figured the bat was hiding up the chimney. Turns out he was hiding behind the blinds on the window I went to open. I have a nice bruise on my forehead in the shape of a window-sill to prove that I moved faster when he flew out. He flew right to the door and stayed there. He moved over a little bit more onto the wall when I opened the door but it was obvious he wasn't flying anywhere anytime soon. So I decided to call a friend of mine and see if her husband could help me out. They came over and, after we persuded her hubby T that killing the bat in the room was not an option, he was able to capture it in a clear plastic box and we took the bat outside and set him free. So now the bat is out of my house. Here are some pictures to prove that I actually had a bat in my room!
The Bat
Jan 3, 2006 - 3 Photos

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Check it out!

I've decided to start a scrapbooking-related blog to contain that area of my life. So, if your interested, check it out at

Long Night

I slept fitfully last night from about 3am on. I kept waking up hearing these scratching noises. I thought it was squirrels in the attack again although, in my sleepy fog, I was confused about that since we haven't heard them since we had the roof fixed months ago. Finally about 5am I thought I heard something flying (yes flying) around the room and then I felt a rush of wind go by my face. Somehow I knew immediately what it was: a bat! Sure enough I put my glasses on and turned on the light and there he was, swooping around the room looking for a way out. Now, there are some animals that would send me running out the door in cowardly flight. Fortunately, bats are not one of them. But neither did I want to spend the rest of the night with him swooping around. So I elected to go downstairs and let him have the room.

I consulted Google this morning and learned that it was probably a young bat (it's the time of year for them) who just got lost and I should have opened the window and he would have found his way out. I'm not sure how he got in there in the first place though. The chimney in that room is supposed to have a cap. My guess is that they live our attic because J saw one in the basement some months back.

So, it's official: I've got bats in the belfry. At least J will feel vindicated because I never really believed him when he said he'd seen one in the basement. I've got the door closed off for now and I don't see him in there. Either he's hanging out in the chimney or he found access to the attic like he supposedly came in. I will try to figure out how to get the screen off one of our windows (they're old) and hopefully if he is in the chimney he will find his way out at dusk. Still, not looking forward to tonight!

Saturday, August 19, 2006

We're In Beta Now!

In case you haven't heard the buzz, blogger is releasing a new version. The best thing (IMHO) about it is that they now support labels (categories if you will). Of course, you have to convert your template to one of theirs to take advantage of that new feature (which they don't quite make clear up front) but I decided it was a nice enough feature to take the plunge. So, gentle readers, I give you categories. Filter away. Read only what interests you! Enjoy and let me know what you think!

Lines and Letters

This morning I entered my temp and got my ovulation lines! It's a very sad life when one does a happy dance over something so simple. But I really needed that vindication.

Today we went to a balloon rally out our local airport. A little disappointing because it was far too windy for any balloons to actually be on display. We might try our luck again tonight assuming the winds die down.

Okay, I don't often write about my husband's job other than the crazy days he keeps. But I have to vent about something that happened today. Excuse my spellings: I don't want any of his coworkers to find their way here!

For starters, the p1lot group is currently in c0ntract neg0t1at10ns with hubby's company (let's call it Fly-By-Night). The c0ntract expired over a year ago and they started neg0t1at1ng months before that. So there's been plenty of time for lots of tactics to be used on both sides. Before Fly-By-Night, neither J nor I had had any experience with un10ns or 0rganized lab0r. It's been quite an eye-opening experience to say the least. So, recently the un10n dissemenated some information that Fly-By-Night thought to be in violation of the neg0t1at1ng agreement. What did they do? Get this: they type up a nice little letter about how unreasonable the un10n is being. Then they send it out overnight, Saturday delivery via F3d-ex. With over a thousand p1l0ts in the company, how much do you reckon that cost them? The best irony in the letter was that they pointed out that they are asking for absolutely no wage reduct10ns. And that is supposed to be a favor to us. Even though a starting p1l0t at this company qualifies for public assistance in most states well into their second year when employeed by Fly-By-Night. But they are being fair enough to not reduce the salar1es even more. How generous of them. But what I find myself least able to believe is that they don't expect us to count up the cost of this mass-letter and wonder where that money comes from. You might be saying: it's not that much really. Maybe not once. But consider if this is about the third or fourth time they've done this.

So, I am very not happy with Fly-By-Night right now and neither is J. When he first started there 5 years ago it was the opportunity of a lifetime: at his age to get hired and go directly to flying jets is just unheard of. Plus he was able to upgrade to capta1n by the end of his second year there which is phenomenal in this industry. But more and more I can see that the whole situation is just really weighing on him. Given his age, though, it's really unlikely he would be able to find another job as a pil0t. But he doesn't know what else he wants to do. Me, I'm just hoping the company can hold on another year or two until I get down with the RE. And maybe have a baby. It would be nice to have some insurance for that option.

At any rate, life is never dull here!

Friday, August 18, 2006

Time for Progesterone

Another high temp today. I can't tell you how comforting it is to feel like I'm in control of something, be it only in control of the knowledge of what should happen next. So, I'll start the progesterone tonight. Last month I did it 12 hours apart at 2am and 2pm but that didn't work out as well as I thought; it really disrupted my sleep at night. So this time I won't try to be quite so tied to exactly every 12 hours. I'll do it in the morning before I get up (around 8am) and as soon as I can after G goes to bed (sometime between 8 and 10pm). I decided to keep temping too. I know that the progesterone is supposed to mess with your temps but I'm curious to see what the effect will be. Plus it will give me something to obsess over till I can start peeing on sticks!

Thursday, August 17, 2006


Did you hear the big "hurrah" this morning about 5am? That was me! Celebrating that my temp had gone up nice and high, confirming ovulation yesterday. So if we don't get pregnant this cycle it won't be for lack of timing because we got in lots of practice sessions. So we'll see. I'll start testing at 10dpo as usual which will be next Saturday. Nor sure what I'll do for 10 whole days without a stick to pee on!

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

They should require a license....

..... for some people to have children. I was in the grocery store this morning checking out. A very pregnant woman got in line behind me. Now, I try very hard to conquer my judgementalism. I'm very aware of it and I try to put myself in someone else's shoes before I make judgements. I had a hard time with this woman. First off, she was practically yelling at the little boy in the cart. I'm guessing he was 12-18 months old. Sitting in the big part of the cart. Where he could easily fall out. As he reached for the candy bar. And his mother kept yelling at him that he couldn't have one this time. Excuse me? This time? How does a child under the age of 2 even know what a candy bar is unless they've had them multiple times? Anyway, so the woman keeps yelling that he can't have this candy bar as she puts her stuff on the belt. I'm not going to comment on the variety of what she was buying. Some people make different decisions regarding food. I'm sure she had lots of healthy stuff at home already to feed her child. I'm sure this trip was just to stock up on all the junk that only she would eat. Because, you know, she's pregnant and probably hungry a lot.

So I'm really trying to just ignore this and get my stuff bagged up and go. When the checker says to her "And how are you today". She looks at him and says "Would you like a him? I'll sell him to you real cheap. Right now. I'm serious. I've had enough of him and it's only 10 o'clock in the morning."

I think she was semi-serious. I know that she was totally serious that she was fed up with her child. I had to bite my tounge really, really, really hard to not suggest that she start with trying to feed him decent food. I was good though. I just walked away.

Why, why why??? I really don't get the universe's justification for these things. I don't know; maybe I would get denied a license for being too perfectionist. Or for not letting my child have the occassional sugary cereal. Or candy bar. I don't know. Maybe my license already has been denied. And I just don't fully know it yet.


I borrowed this one from Lorem who pilfered it from someone else who probably stole it from another person.... ad infinitum. That's the way these internet things go I guess. Anyway, I thought it would be a worthy diversion while waiting.... for whatever it is I'm waiting for at the moment.

A is for Age: 37

B is for booze of choice: Red wine, usually an Australian Shiraz

C is for Career: Chef, Chief Laundry Operator, Chief House Cleaner, Personal Trainer, etc, etc. In short: Mom

D is for Dog: J wants one when he grows up. My 18 year old cat died 2 years ago and I can't bear to "replace" her with anything

E is essential items you use/love everyday: toothbrush, computer, gmail

F is for favorite song of the moment: [ geesh i hate to admit to this one ] The Ants Go Marching one by one from Barney

G is for favorite games: Snood (go ahead, google it and be lost yourself!)

H is for hometown: Houston, TX

I is for instruments you play: Piano since I was 7 (my god, that's 30 years!)

J is for jam or jelly you like: so predictable: grape

K is for kids: one 2.5 year old

L is for last kiss: J

M is for most admired trait: Persistance

N is for name of your crush: If I was 14, it would probably be Colin Firth right now. Strange, huh?

O is for overnight hospital stays: I was in the hospital for 24 hours after G was born

P is for phobias: spiders. can hardly even stand to type that.

Q is for quotes you like: "It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are thoroughly alive. There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and we must hunger after them. (George Eliot) "

R is for biggest regret: I don't have any huge ones. But the small ones are things I didn't do and wish I had done. Like, I spent a week in Jordan in my 20s and didn't go see the famous carved caves or whatever they're called. Stuff like that.

S is for sweets of your choice: chocolate toffee

T is for time you wake up: preferably not before 9am

U is for underwear: I like the Joe Boxer ones at Kmart

V is for vegetables you love: pinto beans, potatoes

W is for worst habit: being judgemental

X is for x-rays you've had: I broke my foot once and have had it xrayed numerous times throughout my life. It still hurts me.

Y is for yummy food you make: J's current favorite is a ground meat and potatoe casserole

Z is for zodiac: I had to look this up because I can never remember! Sagittarius

Still Nothing

Still no temp rise. My positive OPK was Monday and here it is Wednesday. I've been perusing FF's chart gallery and have found a few examples of charts where the temp rise doesn't occur until 3 days after the positive OPK. Interestingly enough, they were all pregnancy charts. Well, if we don't get pregnant this cycle it won't be for lack of trying. Keeping my fingers crossed that tomorrow will see the thermal shift. Otherwise something's wrong..... Stay tuned.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Epiphany of Sorts

subtitled: Duh, don't I feel stupid.

A thought ocurred to me this morning and I just sat down to check it out on my chart. It used to be that I would get a positive OPK and then the next morning I would get a temperature rise that confirmed ovulation. Well, I'm basing that assumption on just a handful of charts that may or may not be all that accurate. I always thought that I was ovulating very quickly after my surge.

After reviewing my charts, however, I'm not so sure about that now. I know OPKs are not a science and I know that you can ovulate up to 48 hours after receiving a peak. Knowing that, I think I'm actually ovulating closer to the 48 hours after the peak. And, to add insult to the injury of this discovery, I think we didn't really time things right last month since J had to leave for work. So last month might not have been the bomb that I originally thought.

I've always thought I have a pretty comprehensive picture with the charts I have on FF. Looking now, I see that I have 17 of them prior to this month. Only on 6 of them was I actively temping to get pregnant. And only on 4 of those was I using OPKs in conjunction with my temps. Not exactly the broad statistical sample I thought I had. Which makes me think that I really don't know my cycles as well as I thought I did. I promise to pay more attention in the future.

This month I've decided to rely more on my temps and get 3 highs before starting the progesterone. For now, well, gotta get to work!

Glad that's done!

No temp rise this morning but I'm not letting that get me down as much as last month since my temps haven't been quite as wild. If I wait 3 days after the positive OPK, that will put me starting the progesterone on Thursday. Hopefully my temps will indicate something by then. I suppose this is the new normal: temps lagging behind the OPK. Being the compulsive POAS'er I am and not needing to pee on OPKs anymore, I have already calculated that I will start peeing on HPTs late next week, probably Friday or Saturday.

It's pathetic but that's my life!

Monday, August 14, 2006

Tick tick tick

Can a Monday evening get any more pathetic than testing your LH surge *again*? A mere 8 hours after the first clearly positive test?! It was dark but not nearly as dark as this afternoon. While waiting for my sperm to arrive, er.... I mean while waiting for my husband to arrive so that I can lovingly attack him as he walks in the door, I am entertaining myself with googling how soon one can ovulate after a positive OPK. It's getting really bad over here folks, and J won't be home for another hour at least. I feel like a ticking time-bomb, counting down the minutes an egg can survive unfertilized. Geesh. Somebody just shoot me and put me out of my misery already.

I was talking with my cousin's wife today who started trying earlier this year for her second. Hers is a long story but we have some common ground minus the m/c. We were talking about how it's impossible not to obsess about this stuff and how that people who have never walked this road just don't get it. Even our husbands don't get it. She asked me how I manage to stay sane. I touted the answer that my scrapbooking keeps me focused on something other than TTC.

I think I lied though. I think I've already crossed the threshhold of insanity.

Up and Down

Yesterday I got an ever-so-slightly darker OPK. I was too afraid to hope for anything lest I jinx it. But today it looks like I've got a peak on CD18. So, let's see: the hormones appear to be surging, the cervical mucous is nice and fertile... now all I need is.... some sperm! Small detail. J left yesterday morning for a trip and will be back late tonight. I know that you are not supposed to ovulate until 12-24 hours after a positive OPK but I would feel better about our chances if we'd gotten some work in last night. But at least he's not off on another 6 day trip!

J got a call yesterday from our friend, let's call him Dr. Orbit (I get too mixed up with initials!). For about the last decade, we have gone on a ski vacation every other year with Dr. & Mrs. Orbit and their kids G Orbit and P Orbit. Their kids are my age but Dr. & Mrs. are the type that you'd want for your ideal parents: they just seem so much younger and more interesting than your real parents could ever hope to be. Vacations work out well as they are good travel partners and all the guys like to ski and us girls prefer to just hang out. So you think I'd be excited about it this year.

Not really. You see, on our last vacation with the Orbit family, I was pregnant but didn't know it. I came home from that vacation to a world that was irrevocably and forever changed for me when I had my first m/c a few weeks later. Now we'll be going again and I can't help but wonder what it will be like. Will I be pregnant again? Will I spend too much time caught up in the what-ifs of knowing that I ought to have at least one other child with me on this one? If I'm not pregnant then (it will be next Jan/Feb) will I be so sick of trying that I've given up?

There's no question of not going and, in truth, I have no desire to say no. I know I'll have fun and G will be in her element with lots of admirers and spoilers. I wish I could think that if I was pregnant by then, that the whole trip would be fun and games. But I know it won't bring back the babies and hopes I've lost.

Thank you passengers for accompanying us on the latest rendition of The Roller Coaster Rides. Up with a positive OPK. Down with grief. Your driver is currently looking for a way to exit the Roller Coaster but as yet has not found one. Stay tuned.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Time Marches On

I always said that I would never, ever be one of those parents that always has the best kid. You know, your kid can do X but theirs can do X+Y. One time at a restaurant we ran into a couple whose child, it turns out, was born the day before G. In the space of about 5 minutes, we learned that they must have the miracle wonder child. Because they asked question after question about what G could do. And wouldn't you know it: theirs could do that plus a little more. Did I mention that G was only 9 months old at the time?

Having said all that, I had to laugh at myself when I recently read this Dooce entry . If you aren't familiar with Dooce, her daughter is just a few weeks older than G. It's uncanny to me how alike our daughters are. I'd like to meet the woman someday. But I digress. In this post, she talks about how she's thinking to transition Leta to a big bed. I caught myself thinking "Aha, we've already made that transition, so there!". But I'll justify it by saying that Leta learned her alphabet a good month before G did. So I guess we're even.

Yep, we've completely made the transition from crib to big bed. So tonight I decided to get out the vacuum and clean up the room a bit. We still use the room for clothes and diaper changing. But I took the sheet off the crib and took the rest of the animals to the other room. It looks so forlone. And barren. G must have thought the same thing because it now contains a blanket and an Elmo. Poor lonely Elmo. He didn't even get a binky.

I'm feeling a little angry right now. Angry at myself for doing such a stupid thing as to clean it out. Angry that I wasn't cleaning it out to put on my cute little nursery bedding with the animals. Angry that I have a fairly expensive crib that I'm not really sure what to do with now. Angry at the universe for putting me in this situation. Just generally angry.

So, my kid is in a big girl bed at almost 2.5 years. She isn't anywhere close to being potty trained yet but we're going to start calculus next week. I'm sure she'll pick it up in no time. After all, she's got an angry Mama to please.

A new era

Only CD16 and I've already given up hope on this cycle. Is that sad or what?! My temps look like a roller coaster just like last month and I haven't had a promising OPK yet. So it looks like it's gonna be another long cycle with no results. Stay tuned for the Clomid chapter!

So J will be off to work tomorrow for the first time since all the excitement this week. He'll be, as one of his peers put it, "in a new era of security". Supposedly now crewmembers (pilots and flight attendants) are exempt from the liquid and gel bans since they have to cart their stuff around with them and, heaven help their passengers if they go on a 6 day trip without benefit of toothpaste and deodorant. Heaven help TSA too! ;-> I guess I look at new security measures with a different eye than most. I don't think they are really going to stop a determined terrorist and they just make my husband's life that much harder. On the other hand, maybe they will deter a signficant portion of the population from flying at all in which case it will be that much easier for us to fly standby on vacation next month! I'm just glad I'm past the stage of having to taste formula or breastmilk. I think that might deter me from flying!

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Still waiting

I was a little concerned over this morning's temp because it spiked in the same pattern as last month. I don't know if I can bear another up-and-down cycle like last time. Then again, I never thought I'd be able to bear 19 months of trying either. Anyway, I'm somewhat encouraged because today's OPK was slightly darker than yesterday's which was slightly darker than the day before's. That's the pattern I'm used to seeing and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it means that ovulation is not too far off.

We have been so busy this week! Went to visit the in-laws yesterday. Today G woke up sick. While I think it's just allergies, she's just not herself. We had wanted to go to the Ohio State Fair today and decided to go through with the plans. G enjoyed herself for a while but then it started raining which made it not too fun. Guess there's always next year! Tuesday my niece came over at noon and J and I went out on the town and didn't get home until 11pm! G loves having her cousin come over and play and we thoroughly enjoyed our time away. We saw the Da Vinci Code movie which I really enjoyed. We compromised on other activities: J got to spend time at the hobby store looking at radio-controlled helicopters and I got to spend time at the scrapbook store! J always has a hard time finding gifts for me so I made sure to point out a couple of memorable things there!

We got home an hour ago and poor G immediately fell asleep on the couch! I hope we're not in for a long night.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Another Monday

Okay, I'll admit it: I was secretly holding out hope that my recent spotting was an indication of early ovulation. But it wasn't. The good news is that J is home all week which will get me through CD16. So we'll just keep at it ;->

My baby slept in her big girl bed for the first time last night. I remember being so worried about that transition in the past. I envisioned having to plead with her to get her to stay in her room and then having her up around the house at 6am. She got out of the bed a couple of times last night to retrieve a few stuffed animals but that was it. And she was still laying in bed this morning when I went to get her at 8:30. I'm sure she'll get bolder as time goes on but at least we got off to an auspicious start.

J has us booked solid this week! It's almost like he's on vacation. Tomorrow we have a date day. My niece is coming over around noon and she's staying until we get home, probably around 10pm. We're going to finally see The DaVinci Code since we've both recently re-read it. I don't know what all else we'll do.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Who Knows?!

My spotting tapered off this afternoon and is pretty much gone now. My OPK was negative. But then again, it was totally negative last month the day before the surge. Lorem suggested that maybe my cervix is irritated from the progesterone. I'm going to have to assume that's what it is since I have no other explanations.

I engaged in a rather bittersweet activity today: I started getting the "big girl" room ready. The last week or so, G has taken to napping on in our bedroom. Which works out okay. By the way, the no afternoon nap thing most definitely did NOT work out. She just can't make it without that nap. So now she is back to napping a couple of hours in the afternoon and I've pushed her bedtime back to about 10pm. It's working so much better for us! Anyway, I know that sooner or later it's going to be a pain in the butt to have her in our bedroom, so I decided tomorrow to transition her to her big girl room for naps. We have a spare bedroom upstairs that, thanks to my Mom, is equipped with both a low trundle bed and a rather high twin bed. This evening I cleaned the bed off. I will miss my staging area for sorting clothes! Tomorrow I will put the side rails on the twin bed. The trundle is an antique for which I never had a mattress made so I think I will just scavenge a couple of quilts to pad it. Of course, I had to move around boxes of her baby clothes and diapers. And I know it will be only a matter of time before she wants to sleep in there at night too. My baby isn't much of a baby anymore and I mourn the passing of that stage of her life.

Just when you think you've got it figured out

I was all set for this cycle to be a "normal" one. You know, because I endured such an abnormal one last time around. It's my due. Only fair and everything.

Several times today I've gone to the bathroom to see spotting. First it was dark brown and now it's red. Of course I have consulted Dr. Google about this. Apparantly mid-cycle spotting is a very common sign of approaching ovulation. Excuse me. On CD9? Yes, I know it's possible to ovulate very early. Maybe my body is trying to make up for last month. I don't know what the heck is going on. I suppose I'll do an OPK today just to see. Even though I don't seriously think I could be ovulating this early, it is a good thing I suppose that J gets home late tonight. I guess we'll cover all our bases just in case.

Stay tuned.... the soap opera continues!

Friday, August 04, 2006

Wonders Shall Never Cease

A few weeks ago, the specialist's office sent me a bill for the surgery, not factoring in the deposit I had already paid. The lady I spoke to cleared it up very efficiently. While looking over my account, she noticed that my first consult visit there had never been billed to my insurance. I told her I was pretty sure the doc was not on my plan and that they wouldn't pay. She said she would send it through just the same because you never know.

Guess what: they paid. 100% of the bill. I don't even have to pay a copayment. I'm floored. I wish I had gone to this place at the start because I have no doubt they would have gotten my HSG paid for the first try.

So now, between my overpaid deposit for the surgery and this bill, I have about $300 on account with them. How much is a basic IUI? I might have to keep that in mind the next time I can't make J's schedule line up with my ovulation!

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Money Woes

All my adult life I have kept vigilant track of credit card statements, reconciling them each month. About a year ago, I decided to start using the debit card attached to my P*yp*l account (keep out the googlers!) for all my miscellaneous spending. I fund a certain amount at the start of the month and that's all I have! When it's gone, it's gone. It's worked pretty well to keep me honest. The other nice thing about it is that I don't reconcile the charges in Quicken like I do everything else. But I do keep close watch on the charges. And that close watch has paid off! Tonight, for the first time in my entire financial life, I have encountered a fraudulant charge on my card for a little over $50 from a local mexican food restaurant. We last went there over 2 months ago and my credit card is safely in my wallet. Hmmmm..... makes me wonder! There are no other fraudulant charges. Which brings out the bad thing of using a debit card: That's 50 bucks I can't use until someone fixes the problem. Still, considering that this is the first time anything like this has happened to me, it's not too bad. I'm a little nervous about getting it fixed. P*ypal is not the easiest service to work with on things like this I've heard. Not like a regular bank anyway. I'm hoping that a simple phone call to the manager tomorrow will be enough to clear things up.

Along those same lines, last month I bought a phone off ebay. I was a little hesitant to buy it because the guy only had less than 20 feedbacks. Everything went smoothly until the FedEx tracking number suddenly dropped off the system. When I called to find out what happened, they said the package had been damaged and that the shipper would have to intiate the claim. Well, this guy basically told me to go pound sand. He told me to get my money back from FedEx, goodbye, see ya later. In short, I filed a claim against him and got most of my money back tonight. Of course, he felt compelled to send me nasty emails telling me what a bad ebayer I am. Yeah, whatever.

So in one night I got almost $100 in and $50 out. I guess I'm still ahead of the game!

Wednesday, August 02, 2006


My title could be the cries of the newest miracle: Milo. But nope. It's me. Warning: lots of whining ahead....

J has been working A LOT lately. When he's not doing the commercial flying job, he's at the local airport with private students. And in between those he's flying his own airplane around. And Monday he left for a 6 (yes, SIX) day trip. My only consolation is that when he gets off that he'll be home for 6 days straight and if there is any karma in the universe I will ovulate on the earlier side this month and get lucky during that time. Or not.

It's not that I'm complaining about my lot in life. I chose it and would make the same choices over again. It's just that the TWOs are TERRIBLE. Really terrible. I work hard all day to make it as easy as I can. But the fact of the matter is that there are some things that just aren't negotiable and that makes for some long days. Even when J is here, he doesn't really help out. He may play with G for a few minutes but that's about it. All I can say is that I have the profoundest respect for single parents. Because in a very real sense I am one.

I've actually been thinking some lately about getting a job for a few hours a day and finding someone to keep G. I'm sure I wouldn't make anything after expenses but right now it's a tempting option. I wonder if this isn't a common thought for stay at home Moms late in the afternoon when everyone is tired?!

It's been hotter than he** and humid here the last few days. And, as a native Houstonian, I am more than qualified to make that statement. Yesterday I actually took G to the mall of all places so she could run around and play in the cool A/C. She's already been asking to go again today. I've created a monster. But we'll probably go just to get out of the house.

While we're out I'll look around for my sanity. I'm sure I must have left it somewhere around here......