Feelings

Thank you so much for all your well-wishes! And thank you doubly for not saying that huge C-word like the nurse at the RE's office did. That word scares me right now. I hope it won't always but it does right now.

Just to set the record straight: I was being rather tongue-in-cheek about the progesterone causing a BFP. Rest assured that I shall continue the progesterone, probably with more diligence than ever before now.

I'm feeling pretty good. Definitely feeling last night's lack of sleep! I've been rather crampy this afternoon but it helps to be able to go look back at G's chart and see that I had cramps at this point with her as well. The other thing I noticed is that at 8dpo with her, I had a bout of nausea like last night's.

I'm definitely scared. No doubt about it. I want so much to believe that this is IT. That this pregnancy will somehow turn out okay. If I say that to people who've never experienced a loss I know that they will be quick to assure me that it will, that they somehow just know that this one will go okay. Of course no one can know that. And it helps so much to have a community of people who can identify with that.

At the same time I'm encouraged, just by the fact that I tested positive so early. With G, I got a BFP at 10dpo. My first m/c I didn't get a BFP until like 6 or 7 weeks. The second m/c I got a very faint positive at about 14dpo. So I'm definitely encouraged.

I decided to go ahead and call the RE's office and see what they had to say. The protocol is this: I did my first beta this afternoon and I'll do another one on Monday. I'll do them every 2 or 3 days from there. Once I hit a magic 1000 I'll go in for my first ultrasound. Then I suppose we'll talk about where to go from there. At this moment I want to stay with the RE as long as possible. But I'm really trying to focus just on this moment. It's just too scary right now to look any further than that.