Up and Down

Yesterday I got an ever-so-slightly darker OPK. I was too afraid to hope for anything lest I jinx it. But today it looks like I've got a peak on CD18. So, let's see: the hormones appear to be surging, the cervical mucous is nice and fertile... now all I need is.... some sperm! Small detail. J left yesterday morning for a trip and will be back late tonight. I know that you are not supposed to ovulate until 12-24 hours after a positive OPK but I would feel better about our chances if we'd gotten some work in last night. But at least he's not off on another 6 day trip!

J got a call yesterday from our friend, let's call him Dr. Orbit (I get too mixed up with initials!). For about the last decade, we have gone on a ski vacation every other year with Dr. & Mrs. Orbit and their kids G Orbit and P Orbit. Their kids are my age but Dr. & Mrs. are the type that you'd want for your ideal parents: they just seem so much younger and more interesting than your real parents could ever hope to be. Vacations work out well as they are good travel partners and all the guys like to ski and us girls prefer to just hang out. So you think I'd be excited about it this year.

Not really. You see, on our last vacation with the Orbit family, I was pregnant but didn't know it. I came home from that vacation to a world that was irrevocably and forever changed for me when I had my first m/c a few weeks later. Now we'll be going again and I can't help but wonder what it will be like. Will I be pregnant again? Will I spend too much time caught up in the what-ifs of knowing that I ought to have at least one other child with me on this one? If I'm not pregnant then (it will be next Jan/Feb) will I be so sick of trying that I've given up?

There's no question of not going and, in truth, I have no desire to say no. I know I'll have fun and G will be in her element with lots of admirers and spoilers. I wish I could think that if I was pregnant by then, that the whole trip would be fun and games. But I know it won't bring back the babies and hopes I've lost.

Thank you passengers for accompanying us on the latest rendition of The Roller Coaster Rides. Up with a positive OPK. Down with grief. Your driver is currently looking for a way to exit the Roller Coaster but as yet has not found one. Stay tuned.