Friday, June 30, 2006
I got my bloodwork done Tuesday. I really don't expect to hear anything unless something is abnormal. I told him it's been a while since my thyroid was tested so I'll be curious to see if that's off or not. I went and got my progesterone prescription filled and, will miracles never cease, insurance paid for it! I had to pay $10 instead of $5 because it specified the brand Prometrium instead of a generic, but I got 40 100mg pills out of it. I'll be doing them every 12 hours once I've confirmed ovulation.
I still haven't gotten around to getting on the phone with my insurance company about the HSG. I have to be in the mood to argue! But I did get the statements for the septum surgery. Almost $4000 was billed and the insurance company allowed a little over $2500 of it. They paid almost $1700, leaving me to pay $875. Not bad for surgery and considering that they don't technically cover infertility treatments!
So now it's just the waiting game for ovulation. I'm on CD10 today and I'll probably start OPKs in a couple of days. J has a 3 day trip right smack in the middle of what should be my fertile time but I've arranged with my friend JE to keep G one night so we've got it all covered. For not wanting to, I have already managed to invest a lot of hope in this cycle. I try not to think too much about the roller coaster of the last 18 months and facing the possibility of getting on it again for that long. But the fact is there. I always have hated roller coasters.
Monday, June 26, 2006
I am so excited for a good friend of mine. We've known each other since we were 5! Although our lives took very differen paths, we've remained in touch and now our lives our converging again in a way: she is doing her first IVF cycle this month and is just a few days ahead of me in the cycle. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for her success and I think it would be oh so cool if we ended up pregnant together!
We are heading to Branson, Missouri tomorrow. My friend J is down there for a family reunion and we are flying her daughter down and decided to stay a day or two and check out the place. We'll be borrowing a room in a cabin which means sleeping with G which means we'll be doubly tired by the time we get back! But it should be fun and I'm looking forward to the distraction.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
I won't try to summarize the book or anything. Just, if you have a spare hour or two, give it a try. It's a light and easy read. But I think a lot of the principals contained in it will give you food for a lot of future thought. There's a companion book For Men Only. I've reserved that one too and I plan to read it before giving it to J. I also plan to suggest he read the woman's book and tell me if it's way off track. But I fear that his response will be that it hits pretty close to home.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
I spent the afternoon blanching and freezing green beans and snow peas. A friend of mine has a garden and brings me goodies. I hate to let all those free green beans go to waste so I'm giving freezing a try. Growing up my Dad gardened extensively and my parents would freeze and can a lot of stuff. I still remember the joy of opening a can of home-grown tomatoes or a container of frozen berries in the middle of winter. I don't think I could ever can by myself, but hopefully freezing will work.
It's a long story as to how, but yesterday I took charge of my SIL's 3 kids. Do you ever find yourself wondering "how come she can have a child and I can't"? You'd ask that about SIL definitely. Anyway, their ages are 15, 13, and 10. You'd think during the summer nothing would be going on but it was my job to shuttle them all to their various activities: 15 to swimming, 13 to umpiring, and 10 to baseball. The baseball games ended up being cancelled due to all the rain lately, so I took them to the airport to watch the aerobatic competition. It was quite and afternoon of running here and there. I guess that's what I have to look forward to in a few years.
The other night I watched The Wedding Singer. I was a sophomore/junior in high school in 1985 and this movie brought back some great memories! Last night J and I watched Syriana. If you ever have an opportunity to watch this movie, please run, don't walk, in the opposite direction. Not only does it feature the death of a 6 year old child, the whole movie probably requires being on drugs to understand the plot. There are still a few pieces I'm puzzling over.
I don't know if the septum repair surgery radically changed things but this was one of the most painful periods I think I've ever experienced. It wasn't cramps; it was like the most painful gas pain you could imagine. Is this common for anyone else during their periods? I'm assuming it was something to do with the surgery but I guess I'll ask the doc about it. It was also a very short period which rather concerns me. I went ahead and started the low dose aspirin and I hope it will help.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
So, I still don't know a whole lot except that I get scared everytime I think about this cycle. I remember back when I used to troll the FF message boards, there was a lady who always had a pregnancy ticker and would reset it at the start of every cycle. So, sometimes it would say something like "I am 0 weeks pregnant". I don't think I'm quite that optimistic. I'd like to be but I'm not. Of course I just looked at J's schedule and he leaves for a 3 day trip on CD14. So I will probably have to work out a visit to him just in case. It seems so quick: there's next week and then the week after that will be time. Who knows, I could be 0 weeks pregnant today!
Okay, enough philosophy. My doc said to call his office on the first day of my cycle "to set everything in motion". I have no idea what all will be involved. I'm assuming some bloodwork at least. I don't know if he'll do a mid-cycle ultrasound to check things out or not. I won't be doing Clomid this cycle but I will be doing progesterone. After Lorem's experience I'm going to insist on a blood test before going off the progesterone. I'll certainly be temping and using OPKs. I guess that's why I feel like I'm on the edge of the unknown: not only do I not know if I'll ever have another baby, I don't even know what's going to go on this cycle. Hopefully they'll call soon and put me out of my misery.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
The summary of this rambling post is that I have no idea what's going on with my body! I took my temp this morning but the result was ambiguous; it could have been a pre or post ovulation temp. It could have been an LP dip; it could signal the arrival of AF. No way to tell. No way to know. Only thing I can do is wait.
Monday, June 19, 2006
I thought I'd share this with you; advice from a doctor about insurance! He went on to say what a crock insurance companies are and how much time his staff spends trying to get them to pay. I told him my experience with trying to get the OB's office to return my call. He didn't seem that surprised. I don't hold out a whole lot of hope that my OB's office is a very "interested party" to begin with, but I am going to take his advice of trying to delay payment as long as possible and then asking for a discount. I am also going to get on the phone one day this week with the insurance company and persist till I get an answer. It'll give me something to do to take my mind off the fact that CD1 should arrive anytime now but doesn't seem to be anywhere in sight!
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Which Pooh character are you?
As one of life's pessemists you always see the gloomy side of situations. But, your enduring and patient nature does mean your decisions are always thoroughly considered before they are made, but once they are, you still lack confidence in them.Life is tough, luckily, so are you.
Take this quiz!
Saturday, June 17, 2006
So this morning I was driving to the Y when I spotted 3 Stearmans in the pattern. If that carries no name recognition for you, here's a sample:
I've always had a love affair with this plane, even before I met and married J. To me, just seeing one evokes images of a simpler place and time. Yes, I know they were developed for the military and primarily used as military aircraft, but I love them nonetheless. I once told J that if he bought a Stearman I'd get my pilot's license.
Now, mind you, we have a perfectly nice airplane:
It's called a CJ-6A and it's a Chinese military trainer. Ours was built in 1982 which confounds most people; most want to place it in the 50s or earlier. That's probably what attracted J to it: it looks old. It's a great airplane that's relatively cheap to own and maintain. Plus, it's capable of aerobatics which means J can go up and do loops and rolls in it.
But I'm afraid that seeing the Stearmans at the airport today has re-awakened J's desire to have one. It doesn't help that an airport buddy told him a couple weeks ago that there is a Stearman sitting idle in someone's estate that the lawyers just want to get rid of. He's promised J the right of first refusal. He's been talking about it for weeks now and seeing these today, he was practically drooling.
So, there may be a new old airplane in our future. I don't know how things will work out. I may have to start studying for my pilot's license test! I'll let you know.
Friday, June 16, 2006
I first came across Lorem on the message boards at Fertility Friend after I had my first m/c. She had had her first one not too long before that and she was very active on the boards dispensing wisdom and advice from her experience. It didn't take me too long to start reading her blog and coming to the conclusion that I really wasn't alone. Then she had her second m/c. Then she was diagnosed with a septum and had that fixed. The story began to sound strangely familiar as it mirrored my own. Now she's pregnant. For some odd, strange reason, it gives me a ray of hope as I sit awaiting the next cycle to start so that we can start trying again too.
Last night I watched a wonderful Judi Dench movie called Mrs. Henderson Presents. Dench is one of my favorite actresses and this movie did not disappoint. It was wonderfully funny.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Anyway.... yesterday I finally got a phone call from the OB's office. This was 14 calendar days / 10 working days from the time I left my first message. The lady left a message saying she had just talked to my insurance company. She said it like she was very proud of herself for actually calling them and then calling me right away. Or maybe I misinterpreted the whole tone. At any rate, I'll be drafting up a letter to the office manager letting her know my story. I don't expect them to do anything to make it better for me; it's way too late for that. But there's a lot of things they can do to make it better for future patients. And I think they deserve to know that. Or at least the future patients deserve that I should try.
The bottom line of the message was that my insurance company simply does not cover an HSG. Even though it's a diagnostic test for infertility and they supposedly cover diagnostic testing. So what, might I ask, is left? They wouldn't pay for the sperm analysis and they won't pay for this. Unless I'm missing something really big, besides bloodwork, there's not a whole lot of testing to do to determine infertility. It just makes me mad that they'll shell out money for birth control and they'll probably even pay up for terminations but they won't pay for the basics of diagnosing and correcting problems. I mean, if I kept trying to get pregnant without knowing about the septum, the chances are very high that I would continue to have miscarriages and the chances are also very high that most of them would require a D&C. So how is it not more financially advantageous for them to pay to correct my problem? I know, it's a losing battle and I'm preaching to the choir. I'm just trying to vent some of my blackness here rather than on my family. I'm still going to try and get them to pay for the HSG. There are other routes I can take to protest this. In the meantime, I'll have to ante up the $1100 for it.
Oh yeah, did I mention that they just raised our insurance premiums? Again.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
I stepped on the scale yesterday and saw that I was up a couple of pounds and outside the range where I like to be. Yesterday I was pretty good in limiting my portions and foregoing the sweets. Today PMS has kicked in in full force and I type this with a bucket of cookies in front of me. At least I had a small portion for lunch and a plate full of farm-fresh tomatoes doesn't have that many calories, does it?
One of the things I like about living in a small town in the midwest is the close proximity of farms and ready availability of fresh-off-the-farm produce this time of year. One of the farms sets up a big trailer in the local Rite-Aid parking lot and can always be counted on for an everchanging buffet of good things to eat. Today was strawberries, early tomatoes, and cucumbers. I passed on the onions (having 2 in the cellar right now), the new potatoes, and the cantelopes. Everything looked so good; it was hard not to go a little wild.
Which brings me to the real reason behind this post: to tell you about the book I just finished. The Omnivore's Dilemma : A Natural History of Four Meals by Michael Pollan. I don't remember exactly how I came to place this book on my reserve list at the library. By the time it came in, I had forgotten all about it. It's a huge, several-inches thick book. One day I picked it up from my to-read pile and was going to put it back in the bag to return when I started flipping through it. I was hooked. I read almost the entire thing in a matter of a few days. He lost me on the last section but the first three sections were utterly fascinating to me.
I won't spend time reviewing the book as the reviews are pretty complete on the amazon page. If you have any interest whatsoever in the quality of your food or in organic food, I would highly recommend checking it out. Prior to reading the book, I was a die-hard "organic wherever possible" type person. I've since shifted my view a bit and would now classify myself as having more an "eat local wherever possible" view.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Painfully shy. I couldn't bear for others to look at me, much less talk to me.
As I got older, I learned ways to cope. There are a few souls in this world who can take pity on the painfully shy and try to help them. I was fortunate enough to make friends with a few of these people along the way. They in turn introduced me to other people and eased my way into new friendships. I was very fortunate.
Now I find myself at an impasse. At the ripe old age of 37 with a toddler in tow, most people don't think you need any help at all. Certainly you shouldn't need help in something so basic as meeting people and getting to know them.
I have often thought that shyness is a lot like depression in that there must be chemical things going on. A person cannot "positive think" themselves out of a genuine depressed state. Nor can a person wish themself to be less shy and more outgoing.
There was something I really wanted to do today. Really, I did. I wanted to go join a group of ladies like me - ones who have kids. I even drove over to the house where the group was meeting. But in the end, I just couldn't get out of the car. I was paralyzed. After sitting there for 20 minutes I drove home and cried. I hate myself for being this way and yet I am powerless to change it. No matter how much I wanted to get out the car today, I physically could not. I might as well have been quadriplegic.
I've written about a lot of my raw emotions on this site and I really hesitated to write about this one. I know that some of my friends read this blog. This is as raw and open as I get. This is the real me. I'm not happy about it. In fact, I'm downright ashamed of it. But there it is, out on the table for all to see. I hope that someone reading this might somehow recognize themselves in this story and be able to tell me that I'm not alone. J says that I need to just "go out and meet people" but, introvert that he is, even he does not fathom the crippling burden that true shyness brings. I guess you'd think I'd be too shy to share my emotions so freely on such a "public" forum. But because I don't really "know" most of you, I don't find it that hard to do. Now, if you ever invited me over to your house, I'd probably sit in the driveway for half an hour composing myself and even then I might not come in.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Anyway, my insurance company denied the $1100+ bills for the HSG, even though my Summary of Benefits clearly states that Infertility Diagnostic Treatment is covered. The first call to my insurance company didn't get me anywhere. The very unhelpful rep suggested I call the OB. 12 days ago I left the first of half a dozen messages for the OB's billing department and am still waiting for a return call. Today I happened to notice that the insurance statements contain the billing codes, so I looked them up. Sure enough, they both related to an HSG. So I got back on the phone with the insurance company, determined to get somewhere. After a very long wait and a return phone call, the answer is that the codes my OB's office used indicate that the HSG was an infertility treatment rather than a diagnostic test, hence the denial.
So I'm back to the OB's office. I just wrote them a letter detailing the problem and exactly what they need to do. I was very nice and professional. I'll save the scathing "no one ever returned my phone call" for after they fix the problem. If I haven't heard from them by Friday, I'm gathering up all my paperwork and showing up at their office. This is ridiculous!
The weird dreams continue for me. Last night I discovered an attic; I think it was in the house of my childhood friend. It was filled with treasures from my childhood except that they were treasures I had never seen before. But the dream me seemed to remember them. You'd think if you were going to dream about things that were special to you, you'd actually dream about real things. Go figure. Anyway, I had lots of fun running around pulling out things and telling everyone why they were special to me. My whole family was there of course.
It used to be that weird dreams that I could actually remember were a definitely sign of pregnancy for me. Since there's not even the remotest possibility of that right now I guess it means either that I am changing or that I'm not sleeping well. Maybe some of both.
Anyway, happy 200th!
Sunday, June 11, 2006
I have this SIL. She is not the kind of person that I would seek out as a friend. There's many things that she does that I do not approve of or admire. The more I get to know her, the more I don't really like her. But she's family. In fact, she's my husband's twin sister. So I have no choice but to put up with her and no way do I complain to Significant Other. I put up with a whole heck of a lot from her by the way. My hubby knows her for what she is but chooses not to confront her and basically plays to her pretty much.
Recently said SIL has done a string of things that have really pissed me off. Royally. I won't list them here because it's just not worth wasting breath on. A lot of things she does are petty slights intended to wound. And wound they do but if you give word to the hurt, I feel it's somehow giving her a small victory. So most of the time I do my best to ignore her.
Thursday evening she called me up and said that she was going to have surgery on her knee the next day. She wanted my husband (her twin brother) (who also has a phone, mind you) to pick her up afterwards and then take her somewhere Saturday and basically to play nursemaid. I'm sure she had an agenda by calling me instead of him but I quickly cut her off and handed the phone to J, who just happened to be sitting there (note to self: contemplate the possibility of small miracles). There's so much more I could write about this subject but let's just close it with saying the whole incident did nothing to allay my pissed-off feelings towards her.
Of course, being raised in above-said religious tradition, my guilt-feelings are overly developed. I started to feel guilty that I was feeling such..... dare I say the beginnings of hate..... no, that would be too much. But intense dislike. Definitely intense. So I sat down and made her a get-well card and cooked her some cookies. Of course I made J take it to her. And that folks was my good deed for the day. I feel slightly better about harboring such ill-feelings towards a family member. Like I can hang on to those ill-feelings until the next guilt-unburdening ocassion rolls around.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
I woke up one day last week and realized that I had no idea where in my cycle I was. Amazing given how anal I am about tracking it. But I gave up temping while I was sick with the sinus/allergy thing. I thought back and filled in my chart to the best of my memory. Hopefully week after this one will see the start of a new cycle.
I've been cogitating on something for a while now and thought if I blog about it, maybe someone will hold me accountable to actually do it! It was a thought that started with all the problems in trying to find someone to take care of G during my surgery. Out of that, I came to the inevitable conclusion that I really have very few friends close by. I've never been all that good at making new friends, mostly because I've never had the need. I went to school with all the same people since 5th grade. College was hard but I fell in with a few outgoing people and managed. When I went to work, it was in a fairly closed community where everyone seemed to know everyone else and it was just natural to form friendships and hang out together outside of work.
Moving halfway across the country to a new town and a new job was enlightening to say the least. For one thing, I could not have picked a worse company to work for in terms of my fitting in. I was branded a rebel almost from day one and it only got worse with time. Then I moved again to a small town and became a stay-at-home mom. Hence my current position of having very few friends and even fewer venues to meet new ones.
So I've been mulling over what to do. I've decided to make more of an effort to check out the social happenings for Moms and kids. While looking around for events, I came across an organization called MOPS (Moms Of PreSchoolers). There's a local chapter right here in town and another one at a smaller church about 15 minutes away. Now, if you've been reading this blog any length of time, you'll wonder why I'm looking into church organizations. My answer: a very resoundingly firm, I have no idea. I have a very good friend back home (I'll always consider Texas "home") who has never quite given up hope on me. She's a pastor's wife and about the most spiritual person I know. She's still my best friend because, even through this painful journey, she has never once condemned my questionings, as would most people in mainline Christianity I think. She never harasses me about it; just ocassionally encourages. So partly I think I may be doing this to make her somewhat proud of me. Or maybe part of me wants to see if I have any vestiges of faith left.
At any rate, going into an organized group of people like this is so absolutely not my thing. But I'm going to give it a try. Maybe even as early as this week. I figure if nothing else it will help pass the time and give me fresh blogging material ;->
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
While mindlessly walking the treadmill at the Y today I had a lot of time to reflect on what this dream really means. Of course, the first thing I analyzed is why my mind would suddenly put J out of the picture. Granted, this is not a huge leap since, as a pilot, he is gone more often than not. But it did make me stop and think that perhaps I should consciouly devote a little more time to making sure our relationship is as secure as it can be.
Then my mind turned to analyzing why I would dream about getting rid of most of my stuff. When we bought this house, I was so excited because we went from 900 sq ft of living space to over 2000. In the almost 2 years we've been here, we've managed to cram most of the empty space full of stuff. All very justifiable stuff of course. Earlier this year I embarked on a goal of cleaning out the basement and I have a sun-porch full of boxes to prove that I actually did get rid of a lot of stuff. But there's still a lot of stuff I've kept. And maybe part of me wants to shed even more stuff. To not feel so tied down. To feel a bit lighter.
I've gone through phases like this before. It will end in one of two ways: A) a massive cleaning session or B) waiting it out till it passes. I've done both. I'm really not sure where this one will end.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Friday, June 02, 2006
So I get up this morning to the sound of heavy rain and my phone ringing. J says the 9 o'clock is oversold and overweight so it's likely he won't get on. And, oh yeah, it's running about half an hour late. From G's room I hear more coughing as she has been congested and feverish all night. Plans just weren't shaping up for the whole park thing.
In the end I drove twice as long as normal through heavy rains and picked J up at almost 11. We went and had Mexican and then on the way home we stopped by SIL's office to get G checked out. Of course she was like the car that doesn't make the weird sound for the mechanic: she was running around, squealing, having the usual amount of fun she has seeing everyone at the office and running in and out of the chart stacks. SIL says it's just a normal summer cold but if the fever persists more than 3 more days we'll give her something.
So that's been our day. Not at all what we'd planned. You'd think I'd be used to that by now....
Speaking of plans, we've got some vacation coming up the end of September and I'm thinking to ditch the kid for a week and explore Nova Scotia. It'll have to be a light trip since, of course, I'm planning to be several months pregnant by that time. Anyway, has anyone done any travelling up that way? Any insights or suggestions?
Thursday, June 01, 2006
I can't believe I'm about to post pictures of my insides for all the world to see. But I think they're pretty interesting and I'm sure someone out there will find them interesting too.
This first one is the view looking at the top of my uterus. I'm not sure if at this point they had already puffed it up with carbon dioxide or not. The doc did say that they did the lap first and saw right away that my problem was indeed a septum as opposed to a bicornate (heart-shaped uterus). The skinny brown thing in both pictures is some sort of hook thing attached to the lap.
This one is a close up view of the left side. I've labeled it with all the interesting parts:
Anyone else think that the ovarias are larger than what you would have thought? Anyone else amazed that that little ball of a uterus actually contained a 7lb baby at one point?
The labels are all according to my BIL who is a former OB and presumably knows what he's talking about. The only thing I take issue with is his explanation of what all that yellow stuff is. He claims that's fat. I'm maintaining that it's just yellow tissue.