Shy

I was a shy child.

Painfully shy. I couldn't bear for others to look at me, much less talk to me.

As I got older, I learned ways to cope. There are a few souls in this world who can take pity on the painfully shy and try to help them. I was fortunate enough to make friends with a few of these people along the way. They in turn introduced me to other people and eased my way into new friendships. I was very fortunate.

Now I find myself at an impasse. At the ripe old age of 37 with a toddler in tow, most people don't think you need any help at all. Certainly you shouldn't need help in something so basic as meeting people and getting to know them.

I have often thought that shyness is a lot like depression in that there must be chemical things going on. A person cannot "positive think" themselves out of a genuine depressed state. Nor can a person wish themself to be less shy and more outgoing.

There was something I really wanted to do today. Really, I did. I wanted to go join a group of ladies like me - ones who have kids. I even drove over to the house where the group was meeting. But in the end, I just couldn't get out of the car. I was paralyzed. After sitting there for 20 minutes I drove home and cried. I hate myself for being this way and yet I am powerless to change it. No matter how much I wanted to get out the car today, I physically could not. I might as well have been quadriplegic.

I've written about a lot of my raw emotions on this site and I really hesitated to write about this one. I know that some of my friends read this blog. This is as raw and open as I get. This is the real me. I'm not happy about it. In fact, I'm downright ashamed of it. But there it is, out on the table for all to see. I hope that someone reading this might somehow recognize themselves in this story and be able to tell me that I'm not alone. J says that I need to just "go out and meet people" but, introvert that he is, even he does not fathom the crippling burden that true shyness brings. I guess you'd think I'd be too shy to share my emotions so freely on such a "public" forum. But because I don't really "know" most of you, I don't find it that hard to do. Now, if you ever invited me over to your house, I'd probably sit in the driveway for half an hour composing myself and even then I might not come in.