Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Random Thoughts

Last week I got an email from a good friend of mine who went through the whole course of fertility treatments years ago and never got a child to show for it. She mentioned that she would have liked to have adopted but that her hubby wouldn't go for it so they never did. She then said that I should consider it.

My first reaction was uh-uh, no way. Even giving momentary consideration to that idea was, in my mind, akin to giving up. One of the women on my blog list recently gave up on the whole fertility game and is now looking to adopt. When I read that I felt so sorry for her because, well, I mean, she lost the game, right? No child of her own.

I told my friend as much and she wrote back to say that I should still consider it. I admire her persaverance.

And for some reason, this issue has been on my mind a lot in recent days. I haven't talked to anyone about it and I'm not sure why I'm writing it here except maybe for posterity.

I've been giving consideration to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, perhaps, in some small way, adopting is not entirely "giving up". Maybe it's just a different path to the same goal: not wanting G to grow up an only child.

So there, I've said it: I am, in the remotest corner of my heart, beginning to give some small consideration to the possibility of adopting a child. Someday.

I'd be curious to hear from you: What do you think about adoption. Is it "giving up"? Is it "settling" for something sub-standard because you can't have a biological child? Can you love an adopted child as much as a biological one? Would the adopted child suffer because G is "my" child and the adopted one isn't? Would G suffer because I would try to "make up" for the adopted one by giving him/her more attention? I have so many questions and I have not yet even begun to work them out. As I said, this is only preliminary but I would love to hear any thoughts you have to share.


Lorem ipsum said...

It takes a special person to adopt, because there's definitely a need. But I am apprehensive because I have never met an adoptee who wasn't screwed up in some way. I think a lot of it is because the mother may have been on drugs, or the adoptive parents overindulge them. (See: my adopted SIL, in both cases.)

I know lots of people say they know plenty of well-adjusted adoptees. I'd love to meet them.

Josefina said...

I think that adoption takes some serious thought, serious thought again, and of course be totally, absolutely 200% sure of your decision.

Also, I think is something so wonderful, so generous at the same time, but I, as you, have thought about all that things you say.

It amazes me that people actually do love their childs as much as if they were biological, it really makes me so so happy.

A few adoption experiences:

1) I had a co-worker that had adopted a child, she loved her so much, and last year they received a boy (3 and a half years, because she's 47 and isn't allowed to adopt babies), and you should've seen the pictures, they were so so happy and realized, the boy also was so happy, etc. I think they will turn out just fine.

2) My sister has 2 friends in school, adopted also, and yes, they are indeed a little screwed up, specially one, that feels like Queen Mary or something, because her parents have spoiled her SO much.

3) With my family, we went last Christmas to visit a waiting-to-be-adopted-children home, in fact this is a charity institution that receives girls or women with unwanted pregnancy, and they take care of them and give them the chance to give their child in adoption (instead of aborting) or maybe keeping him/her (they have sicological assistance and all). Then, the institution takes care of babies and receives couples that want to adopt (meeting supply and demand basically). Thing is, these babies we saw were so so cute, so full of love to give, I mean it was an unforgettable experience and you think "thank God there are people that will receive this kids and give them all the love that they deserve". We couldn't bring ourselves to leave them there, my dad even said to my mom "we could adopt one of these". I think yes, you can actually love them as much as your biological child, but you need time to acknowledge that deeeeeeep inside (I think people trying to adopt go through a lot of sicologists also, to help them).

To conclude (sorry I got a little carried away), I think it's a real valid option, and once someone decides from the bottom of his/her heart to adopt, there's a long path to go through that helps you get prepared.

P.S.: I read an article last year of families that adopted, and then had a biological child, or vice-versa, and they all agreed they were ALL their siblings, and that the children also saw it that way, no differences AT ALL. But well, it was an article, you never know what really happens in there.