All Ready to Go

I met with a doula today. She seemed nice and I definitely plan to use her. I live in a smallish town and am related to people that everyone seems to know. That can be good or bad. I had debated on telling her who I was related to because she very likely knows my in-laws. Anyway, we were talking about water labor and births and she related a story about the politics of water birthing at our local hospital. Long story but the short of it is that she has a not-so-good opinion of someone and she wouldn't say names but I'm pretty sure it's my SIL. Time will tell whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. It makes life interesting anyway.

I'm all packed and ready to head out to Houston tomorrow. I'm dreading the actual mechanics of getting both of us and our luggage to the airport and then to my folks' house. I always dread the trip and it always ends up being okay in the end. The only trip that wasn't was the one where I decided it would be a good idea to take the toddler carseat on the airplane. That proved disastrous at the point where G decided she wasn't going to walk and then I couldn't carry both her and the carseat. She's old enough now to stay in her seat and we rent a seat with the car. I also bought a portable DVD player a few trips ago and every time with that she settles in to watch a movie and then promptly falls asleep. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed and taking a good book.

I wasn't able to cram my jacket in the suitcase so hopefully my sweaters will be enough. Houston is forecast to have highs in the 50s and 60s while we're there which should feel downright balmy after the 30s and 40s here.

Thursday night we're accomplishing two very important goals at once: we're meeting up with old friends and getting a Tex-Mex fix at our favorite restaurant. J is flying down after work to spend a few days with us which will be a treat as he will be working starting Christmas day.

Time to go check my packing list one more time to make sure I haven't missed anything important!

20 Weeks: Halfway there!

Today marks the halfway point. Last night we had a gift exchange with my in-laws and the bottle of wine going around was too much to resist. Hello, my name is K and I had a few sips of wine while pregnant. But, given that it was a former OB doing the pouring and I didn't get any grief from my pediatrician sitting next to him, I enjoyed every sip I took!

I'm still not feeling much movement and that continues to bother me. At the ultrasound the baby was in a breech position and I think she stays there pretty consistently as most of the light kicks I feel are on the side where her feet were. And sometimes I feel her little head move on the other side.

Yesterday was my 38th birthday. J bought me a camera that I have been wanting, nay coveting, for quite some time now: a Canon Digital Rebel. Expensive as heck and much bulkier than point and shoot cameras but man is it sweet! The cool thing is that we have a film Canon with several lenses and those lenses fit the digital model as well. I can't wait to get the perfect Christmas shot of G with it!

Wednesday we start our trek across the country to visit the grandparents. G is very excited about it and I'm looking forward to the visit even if I'm not looking forward to the actual travel. The bad thing is that all three of us seem to be coming down with the crud. G has it today and I'm betting tomorrow it will be full-blown. Knock on wood, she's very good when she's sick; just a bit grumpy. So hopefully things will go okay. I remember traveling when I was pregnant with G and so many people went out of their way to be helpful. I'm counting on that this trip!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone.

19w3d Ultrasound Part 2

How to convey the sense of relief I feel right now?

The ultrasound appt went well. We met first with a genetic counselor who took a health history and asked about all our family. The most challenging part of the whole day was laying out the family trees as she wanted to know about all J's sibbling's children and also all our aunts and uncles.

Then we did the actual ultrasound and I can't really say how long it took - 20 to 30 minutes I'd say. The sonographer was very good and talked to us the whole way through. She didn't tell us actual measurements of things but after every measurement she took she'd tell us what she was measuring and then say something like "That's right on target for an almost-20 week old baby". The baby cooperated beautifully. Just a few minutes into the ultrasound the tech brought up the image of the open legs and immediately said it was a girl. A little while later she got an even better view and you could clearly see the three lines. My placenta is indeed in the front which is obstructing some feeling of movements.

After the ultrasound J and I went out of for lunch and we were acting like two giddy teenagers! We talked some about the baby but we talked about a wide range of topics. It's been a while since we've done that. Probably almost 2 years. It hit me at one point how much this whole issue of getting and staying pregnant was weighing us and our relationship down. It's almost like a huge weight has been lifted off both of us. I realized that, regardless of the outcome, we're going to be okay. I can admit now that there have been times lately when I've wondered.

I was running errands this afternoon and I had my first person ask me "So when are you due?". Followed by the inevitable "Do you know if it's a girl or a boy?". I told him it would be our second girl and he then asked what I'm sure will be an oft-repeated question: "Did you want a boy?". I can honestly say that I am thrilled beyond belief to know it's a girl. Of course, I would have been happy with a boy. But I think deep down I wanted a little sister for my daughter. Plus, what would I do with all these girl clothes I've been accumulating?!!!

I think I will sleep much better tonight. I haven't had a really good night's sleep in a week or so and I'm sure it's been the anticipation of today. Hopefully it's all downhill from here!

19w3d Ultrasound

The short story and some pics for now: Everything looked great and it's a girl!

19 Weeks

One of my humorous tickers said this morning: "Only 20 more weeks until Mommy can enjoy a margarita.... or five". Yeah, right on course. I remember joking with J before G was born that we should bring a bottle of wine to the hospital to celebrate. We didn't but I finally got a glass just a few days after G was born. Wine never tasted so good. This time I'm serious about bringing wine. Or at least something alcoholic. The sad part is that my wine stash is seriously depleted right now and can one reasonably buy several cases of wine with a big huge belly? So I'm dropping big hints to J as to what this year's gifts should be.

I've pretty much lost my belly button. There is no mistaking by anyone now that this is a pregnant belly. Being only barely halfway through, it scares me to think how big this one is going to be. With G, I hid my condition at work until I was more than 6 months along. No chance of that this time!

I will be turning 38 on Sunday. That's getting awfully close to 40. I don't feel almost 40. I thought almost-40-year-olds were supposed to feel really mature and able to handle anything. I suppose that's what my kids will think about me. If they only knew!

I am looking forward to the ultrasound on Thursday with an equal mix of anticipation and dread. I feel some movement but not as much as I would like to. I'm hoping they'll tell me it's just because of the location of my placenta.

Digital Musings

There are some professions that you just never quite get away from. You exist within that role 24 hours a day. Being a Mom comes to mind as one. Being a doctor is another. Countless times I've been with my BIL and SIL and seen them dealing with complete strangers who suddenly have need of medical advice because there's a doctor around. Believe it or not, being a computer professional is another. My speciality is programming internet applications. But as soon as people hear the word 'computer', all of a sudden I'm expected to be the master of all things computer and fix whatever problem has been bugging them lately. For those of you who are not very computer savvy, it's a bit like asking your dermatologist to diagnose the ringing in your ears. Fixing problems with the Windows operating system and associated applications is something that I can sometimes do under diress but definitely not something I enjoy.

Which is what made me groan especially loud last night when my desktop computer froze and won't boot past a blue screen of death now. There was a time in my life when I would have invested countless hours trying to diagnose and fix the problem. And there would have been more than a few swear words involved along the way. There was a time.... This is not the time. Hours and hours of uninterrupted computer time? Yeah, right. Fortunately I already have a laptop that can easily replace my desktop, although I will miss the convenience of being able to keep it upstairs and not have to tote it around. One of the applications I depend most upon is my financial tools and fortunately I had the foresight to have regularly backed up those files. I now have access to all my financial data with just a few days' gap on my laptop. Whew. I will definitely sleep better tonight. So now begins the painful process of getting all my most-used applications configured so that I can scan and print and stuff like that.

Now, being a computer professional, you'd think I would have meticulously kept data backups. Buzzzz.... Try again. I did back up my financial stuff because I think I would experience a complete nervous breakdown if I couldn't instantly pull up how much I spent at Target on the 12th of November in 1999. Seriously. I'm just that way. And I do have CD backups of all my pictures. Except the cute ones I had taken in the last few days. But what a pain in the butt to have to load all my backups onto the laptop and do I even have enough disk space to do that? So, lesson learned. I'm about to go consult Mr. Google right now about the best backup alternative. Once I buy something I plan to take it and the desktop to the local computer shop and pray that they can retrieve my data onto it.

This post has been provided as a cautionary tale. Everyone always tells you to back up and no one ever does it and then disaster inevitably strikes. Actually, I have been quite lucky: this is the first time that I have not been able to just transfer data from the old computer to the new one. But just a few months ago my Dad's disk croaked and he lost everything. If only I had learned from his experience. So please learn from mine!

18 Weeks

So here I am at 18 weeks. I've finally gotten all my maternity shirts out and washed. I have some non-maternity shirts that I can wear but most of them are too tight in the bust. I don't know what it is about maternity clothing but it really seems to accentuate the bump in front. I scored an awesome dress shirt at Goodwill the other day that will be perfect for holiday wearing. Last week I got a cheap black velvet maternity dress off of ebay but I don't know if I will end up wearing it or not. It depends on whether I'm able to find some maternity hose to go with it because I know there is no way in heck I could get on regular hose at this point!

At night I now sleep between 2 pillows. I am naturally a back sleeper so I learned with G to use pillows on either side; that way when I roll over I don't end up fully on my back. I also pulled out a stuffed animal (yes, I'm sleeping with a stuffed animal now!) that I bought with G that fits perfectly under my belly to make sleeping more comfortable.

I'm feeling the baby kick more now but only at night in bed or during the day when I sit quietly and feel for it.

Speaking of kicking, G kicked me very nicely in the belly today. Between those sorts of kicks and having to carry her around, it makes me amazed that any mom of a toddler can get through subsequent pregnancies. I still haven't told G about the baby but maybe she senses something because this week she started trying to relive her own baby-hood. She's always asking me to hold her sippy cup and feed her "like a baby" and today before naptime she wanted to sit in the chair and rock while she drank her milk. We haven't done that in ages and it made me as nostalgic as her for reliving old times. I'm beginning to understand why the baby of the family is just that - a baby. I anticipate that I will do everything I can to prolong every phase that the new baby goes through because I know it will be the last time for me to experience all of that.

J is gone again for an extended time. I probably won't see him for at least a week, maybe more. So I've already booked with the sitter for a "day off" this week. Next week: the big ultrasound. I received all the paperwork the other day and it was rather daunting to read it all. Depending on the outcome of the ultrasound, they can do an amnio right then and there if I choose. I truly hope I won't have to make that decision. I also hope that J will end up being in town because the only thing worse than having to make that decision would be to have to make it alone.

4 Months

There have been a number of people who ask me how far along I am and when I tell them the number of weeks, they immediately start converting it into months. Fortunately for my mathematical sanity, there are approximately 9 months between the beginning of August and the end of May. So it's pretty easy for me to approximate months, especially when I can't remember exactly the number of weeks I currently am. So at the end of November I completed four months of pregnancy. What's that phrase I so often bandy about? Oh yeah: I can't believe I made it this far. I'm almost halfway done. And only 12 more days until the definitive ultrasound. 4 Months. 5 to go.

17w1d

At Thanksgiving dinner, a friend's mother came up to congratulate me on my good news. I said thank you but before I could even really think about it, I tempered it with "hopefully it will all work out". Being the wonderful woman that she is, she just smiled and said she hoped so too. I was thinking about the episode later, wondering at what point I will be able to accept that next May we might just be adding another child to our family. I kept thinking that if I got through the first few weeks without spotting, I would feel okay. Then I thought if I made it past the point of my first m/c I would feel okay. Then I thought I would feel better after my first midwife appointment. What I realized, in thinking about all this, is that, even at all those milestones, there was no great and sudden shift in the universe to make me all of a sudden say that things are okay. I think it has as much to do with reading others' stories of late losses and problems at birth than with my own m/c experiences. In that respect at least, the internet is probably hampering more than helping me. And yet, I wouldn't for the world trade the community of support I have found here.

In the end I've decided that the high-level ultrasound must be the deciding factor for me. I find myself looking forward to it with a mixture of dread and longing. But I've decided that if a specialist takes a look and can find nothing outwardly wrong with my baby, then I must accept that things are going to be okay. I'm going into it with this attitude and by golly I hope to come out of it with the same attitude!

Speaking of the ultrasound, I've moved it back a week. It was scheduled for the 6th at 8:30 in the morning which is on the early side for my household! Plus J informed me he would be out of town on an errand and my babysitter can't take G that early. So I called today and they were able to reschedule for 10:30 on the 14th. J will be home and we can leave G at the sitter's if we choose. Or we may take her with us. I will also be closer to 20 weeks at that point (19w3d) which will be better for them seeing more.

17 Weeks

I had another midwife appointment today and all was well. A couple of things surprised me actually.

First off, I discovered that I have only gained 3 pounds since the last visit 4 weeks ago, which is well within the average of a pound a week during the second trimester. My total weight gain so far has only been 8 pounds. I'm happy with that. I still wish I had lost more prior to getting pregnant but I'll have plenty of time to worry about that later!

The second thing that surprised me was finding out how large my uterus is. At this point, it's just below my belly button. I don't know why but I thought it was far smaller. So now that I know that, I realize that I have been feeling quite a bit of movement (I dismissed most of what I was feeling because it was much higher up than I thought my uterus was).

The midwife talked to me about screening tests at this point, namely the AFP blood test. She said, given my age, it would very likely come back positive, since age is a factor in the equation for the test. She said if it did come back positive, the course of action would be a higher level ultrasound and possibly an amnio. I decided I didn't want to fool with the blood test since the results would be essentially meaningless. But I liked the idea of going straight for a high level ultrasound. These are done at the University hospital downtown and includes a consult with a perinatologist for the results. I opted for this route because I think (hope!) it will give me much more peace of mind to have someone looking at things who is more highly trained to spot problems. I can't honestly say at this point if I would do an amnio. I'm taking this one step at a time. Anyway, that is scheduled for 6 December, which is next week Wednesday when I will be 18 weeks.

That's about all I have to report. The visit was very boring and consisted mostly of discussions of what we did for Thanksgiving and what our Christmas plans are. Hopefully all my visits will be that inane!

16 Weeks

Yesterday I sat down to write a post and realized that I couldn't think of anything to say that wasn't negative! J was gone for 11 days straight (5 on the job and 6 days on another project) and it was so much harder than I anticipated to be a single parent. I've learned lessons for any future occurrences of long absences, namely that I will schedule more time with the babysitter next time.

Pregnancy-wise, there is really not much to report. I have been feeling some movement for a week or so now. I still feel yucky most evenings and sometimes during the day. I'm not sure exactly how much weight I've gained but the scale was a little scary this morning as I haven't stepped on it in a while. I had hoped to keep my weight down this time around but I'm not sure that's going to happen. I don't feel like I'm eating a lot more but what I do eat is more calorie and carb-laden and I'm sure that's the cause of the pounds going on. I've had a lot of trouble sleeping at night but I suspect that has more to do with J's absence than the pregnancy. My next midwife appointment is next Monday and hopefully we'll schedule the "big" ultrasound then. I am going to push for sooner rather than later; I need to get it over and get the news that the baby is just fine and healthy.

While J was gone I got this notion that I needed a nice comfy chair for my bedroom. We don't have anything in the way of a chair in there so my reading and computer up there is all done on the bed. I've been wishing for something for a while now but the last few days I started to picture what I wanted. So last night I drug John to the Lazyboy store and spent $500 on the "best selling recliner in America". It's very soft and comfy and it rocks. J and a friend are picking it up for me today. I'll leave you with a funny story from the outing:

While we were in the chair store, G was running around having a grand time. We were the only ones in there (this is a great time of the year to shop apparently!). While I was paying, G ran up to J and announced in her loudest, most theatrical voice "I WENT POO-POO". Of course everyone in the store heard and smiled. So out to the car we went where I remembered that I had not one single diaper with me. Earlier that day we had taken a load of stuff to Goodwill and I took everything out of the car, including the diaper bag, but we had forgotten to put it back. Normally I carry an emergency diaper in my purse but I forgot to replace it from the last "emergency". So there we were, diaperless, with a toddler complaining that she was stinky. I knew there was a Target nearby and I normally use their brand of diapers so we decided to run in there. But we missed the turn. By this time G had decided she also needed more milk NOW and her cup was empty. So we drove to the next exit and I said surely there would be a drugstore there. Nope. Not a single one. So we finally ended up at a gas station where I paid $4.50 for 13 diapers (I normally pay $10 for 80 diapers!). But we had diapers and milk. So I went to change her. No poop. The diaper was barely wet. G was smiling this big smile. I'm pretty sure she knew the trouble she had caused. It turned out to be a good thing because after dinner we went to another store where she again loudly announced "I WENT POO-POO" and this time there was absolutely no argument that she had - the smell was potent.

Moral of the story: always replace your emergency diaper!

15 Weeks

Saturday night I was thinking to myself: I've been feeling pretty good lately, almost like my old self. I haven't felt nauseous or sick in several days! So don't you know that I got up Sunday feeling okay but shortly after breakfast I started feeling pretty bad. By the afternoon I was back to that pukey state. I don't think it was anything I ate but maybe that's a better explanation than "morning sickness" all over again. Today is going good so far but there's still a long ways to go in it.

My next midwife appt is two weeks from today. I'm starting to look forward to the "big" ultrasound. I'd like to know what sex the baby is. But I'm also hoping for some reassurance that there's nothing visibly wrong with the baby. I have never been able to shake the feeling that something might be chromosomally wrong with the baby and it just seems to get stronger as time goes on. I haven't really told anyone my fears because I know they'll be dismissed as my being.... I don't know - just a worry-wart I guess. But the fears are there and they keep me up at night. I have even done some research on amnios but I think in the end I would be too afraid to do it even though the m/c risks are pretty low. But I guess it depends on the outcome of the ultrasound. I hope to get that done the first week or two of December.

In other news, some demon possessed me last night and convinced me that G's hair needed another trim in the back. So I did that with decent results. Then I decided to trim her bangs. They looked okay right then but I was looking at them this morning and all I can say is that the demon possessed me and did a terrible job. And the worst thing is that I got them so short that, to even them up would require that there be pretty much nothing left of them. Note to self: never cut hair in that pukey state.

Vacation Anyone?

I've always worked at places where taking vacation is no big deal. Some places there was so much to do that more than a day of vacation at a time was out of the question. Other places you simply let it be known that you would be off on certain dates and as long as it didn't interfere with projects, it was okay.

Enter my rude introduction to the airline world, where schedules are apparently made months, nay, years in advance. Never mind that the company can't give us next month's schedule before the 20th of the previous month; they want us to know exactly when we're going to want to vacate a year in advance. In November of each month J gets his "vacation bid pack" which is required to be turned in by November 20th. We're supposed to fill out 3 choices for each week of vacation (he's up to 3 weeks now, thank goodness!). It seems to have become a tradition to take a ski vacation in February so that's one week accounted for. There is always much debate over the remaining two weeks. He always requests Christmas week but never gets it.

Of course, the conversation this year had to include what may or may not happen around the first of May. All along I've fought to keep myself from looking too far into the future; from anticipating too strongly what might happen. But the stupid vacation bid pack forced my hand. So we had to discuss in great detail when I am due (7 May), when I think it most likely to happen (Gracie was a week early so I'm betting more like 1 May), and when I need J there.

When G was born, it worked out beautifully. He got home one evening from a trip and she was born about 24 hours later. I think the trip he came off of was a 3 day trip and both nights he spent in Canada where his cell phone doesn't work. I realized later that I had no idea how to get ahold of him had I needed to. He ended up being off for almost 2 weeks after G was born. I asked him if he could be off more like 4 weeks this time and he just looked at me.

So I've officially started thinking about what life might be like when this baby arrives. It's scary. I don't think it was this scary with G because I had no idea what I was in for. Now I'm anticipating the sleep deprivation, the depression, the sore boobs.... all of that magnified by having to care for a toddler at the same time. So the question that keeps bouncing around in my head right now: WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?

14 Weeks: Plump or Pregnant?

I have a page with some pregnancy tickers from various sites, including a humorous one from baby-gaga.net that today says "Just plump or pregnant? Other people are noticing and deciding whether to ask my Mommy this risky question". As far as I know there is still a baby in there but all I really feel is plump. Very plump. Still feeling a bit yucky in the evenings. The boobs, though.... the boobs are getting me. Over the last week or two I have occasionally felt the tingling sensation that always used to accompany milk let-down when I was nursing G. The first time it caught me really off-guard until I remembered that I had felt it before. The other night we went out to dinner and across the restaurant I saw a couple with a crying newborn. I was listening to the conversation and not really even thinking about the baby when all of a sudden I realized that things were getting tingly. It scared me because I fully expected to look down and see two wet spots on my shirt. I had a terrible problem for about the first six months with leaking, although never before I gave birth. I haven't leaked anything yet but I started carrying pads around just in case. I guess part of the reason it scares me is that I now know that if something happened at this point I'd have to deal with milk coming in which was never a problem with my other m/c.

Other than that, I'm starting to get my energy back and I no longer have to deal with real nausea. I can eat pretty much anything now although I am particularly partial to the hot and spicy stuff. I won't say I crave it but I tend towards it. I still don't feel like I've really connected with this little one. I still check the TP every single time but I think I'm not quite as sure I'm going to see something. I haven't touched my handheld doppler in several weeks.

In other news, J went to the dentist this morning and, being the juvenile that he can sometimes be, I had to go with him. Which is fine because everyone there loves seeing G and is always disappointed if one of us comes alone. This time she took much more of an interest in the cleaning and afterwards she sat in the chair and the dentist looked at her teeth. Of course, we then had the dreaded "it's time for the binky to go" conversation. Although he did say her bite was a little worse than would normally be caused by periodic binky use. He said she may end up with braces no matter what but we should still say goodbye to the binky. She can usually only have it in the car and at sleep times. So we "lost" it on the way out to the car and she had a good cry all the way home about that. J wanted me to immediately go cold turkey on it but I said absolutely not. I'm leaving her tomorrow for the day with a new babysitter and I refuse to try that without a binky! So we'll start on Wednesday. Life is about to get much harder for a while. Hopefully cheaper in the long-run (sans braces) but much, much harder on me.

13w3d

I'm finally getting over my cold/sinus. I broke down the other night and took a Tylenol. With G, I never took any medication (Tums doesn't count, does it?!). I feel like this poor kid is already getting second best treatment. You always hear stories of parents who coddle the first child, sanitizing the binky if it so much as touches the floor; then the second child gets the binky if it falls within the 5 or 10 second rule. I know that's going to be me. Although I was fairly laid back with G as far as things like that, I was just as uptight about sleep with her. Early on I got her in a routine and woe to the person that got in the way of that. I know it's going to be much harder to balance a toddler and an infant, so life should be interesting.

G had a great time with Halloween. She quickly got into the concept of ringing doorbells and saying "trick or treat", although she still doesn't understand why, when someone opened the door, she couldn't go in the house! I think she also didn't really "get" that the stuff in her pumpkin was candy. When she got home I let her eat a small thing of M&Ms and then sorted out the rest of the stuff, thinking to keep some for when she asked for it later. She has been happily playing with the pumpkin since then but has never asked for the candy. So this year J and I get the loot all to ourselves! I'm sure next year she'll be wiser.

13w1d

I forgot to say in yesterday's post that I really like the midwife. I had some reservations going into it but they were quickly dispelled. She came across as very competent and confident. She seems like the type that will be very reassuring but will tell things the way they are with no beating around the bush.

I feel somewhat better today from my cold/sinus. It always holds true for me when I get this type of thing that the better I get to feeling, the worse I sound. And of course, I have 10 people on my list that I have been needing to make phone calls to about various things and I really wanted to get that knocked out today. I made a couple of the most pressing calls but it was frustrating for both parties as I really have no voice to speak of (pun intended). One of the calls on my list is to follow up with my insurance company about their investigations into payment of my HSG. If you remember the saga, my OB's office billed it incorrectly (I'm pretty sure) resulting in the claim being denied by the insurance company. I finally was able to find someone at the insurance company who sent my paperwork in for review by some in-house committee. Since I've heard nothing back from it, I don't hold a whole lot of hope of them finding in my favor. In the meantime I am paying the almost $1000 bill in $25/month installments! At some point I'll get tired of the monthly bills and just pay the darn thing off but maybe in the meantime my account will get marked as paid or something; never hurts to hope. The fire is under me to follow up with the insurance company because J's employer is switching providers at the beginning of the year so I want to have an answer before they do that. The switch should prove interesting as far as the pregnancy care goes. With G, the midwife's office didn't bill until after the birth for any of my prenatal visits or ultrasounds. With both my m/c, I didn't get billed until well after the fact. So I will have to have this midwife's office do some fancy footwork and hopefully it won't be a problem.

I'm not big into Halloween. Yesterday we told G we'd be going trick-or-treating today. She has absolutely no clue what this activity involves but she can't stop talking about it. She doesn't even know that it involves candy or dressing up!

13 Weeks

Nausea: check
Weight gain: check
Big boobs: check
Feeling fat: check

Yup, I still get to feeling yucky in the evenings. But I think each day it gets a little easier.

I had my first appointment with the midwife today. It's a pretty low-tech operation; she doesn't have a nurse assisting or anything. So when you come in, they hand you your chart and you go in the back and record your weight and the results of your urine's protein and glucose check. I was there for almost an hour and a half. First I filled out all the requisite paperwork. Then I met with the midwife to go over my health history. Then she did a physical exam and pap smear. Oh joy. She told me that my cervix "wanted to bleed" and that I would most likely see some spotting from that but not to worry. I have seen a bit since then and am very proud of myself for not freaking out about it. She also listened for the heartbeat and found it as soon as she put the monitor on my belly. It was ranging about 160 beats per minute.

My folks have been visiting since last Wednesday and, between that and catching G's cold, I've not been at my best. But I'm on the down-side of the cold and my folks leave tomorrow, so hopefully things will get better.

12w2d: Expecting

The other day I got a craving for a pasta dish I used to make a lot. It's a very simple concoction of pasta, tomatoes, olives, and spinach. And my favorite part: crushed red pepper flakes. J has never really liked the dish because he says I always overdo the red pepper. So I made it night before last. I put in all the ingredients, including the red pepper. I stirred it up and decided it looked like it needed just a dash more red peppers. Well, my hand must have slipped or something because that's by far the hottest I've ever made it. But it wasn't too hot to eat and I was really craving it, so I ate it. Boy was that a bad idea. I paid for that all night long. Tums didn't even touch my heartburn. Not being one to really learn from my mistakes, I decided the dish would be good for lunch today. I swear I did not put that many red peppers in it. But hello heartburn. I feel condemned to spend the next 6 months eating bland food, which is a heavy sentence indeed to someone who once ate Tex-Mex for every meal straight for a week, mostly for the hot sauce.

So now I'm sitting here with a nauseas stomach and heartburn and my folks are due to arrive in about an hour. And I've volunteered to have supper ready. File that under the "What was I thinking" category. The good news is that they'll be here a little less than a week and we eat most meals out with them here. So no more cooking for me for a while.

Subject change....
I was in the dressing room at the Y this morning and I overheard a young girl ask an obviously pregnant woman "Are you going to have a baby?". That made me stop and think. What would I answer if she had asked me? Something along the lines of... well, I'm pregnant but I don't know for sure that I'm actually going to have a baby. And then, for some reason, I brought to mind the term that my folks tend to use: expecting. All of a sudden I saw that term in a whole different light and realized how apt it is. I'm expecting a baby. So much hope and expectations beneath the surface. I don't know how it will all play out. But right now I'm expecting. Trying to expect good things. Trying to anticipate the best. But not really knowing.

I'm expecting.

12 Weeks

On the home front, we had a wonderful time on our anniversary trip. J ended up getting off of work a little early so we were able to spend time together Friday night. Our trip to Cincinnati was very relaxing and refreshing. We found the motorcycle shop and got J outfitted from head to toe! He was so excited that he honestly couldn't sleep Saturday night. He is out today looking at a motorcycle to buy that I fully expect he will bring home. The insurance cost caught me a bit by surprise though. $150 a year to insure him. As with most things in our budget, it's not a huge amount but conspires with everything else to add up after a while. I came home to the hugest hug I've ever gotten from G although I found out that the runny nose she had Friday night turned into a full-blown cold over the weekend. But my friend said it didn't slow her down a bit except to wipe her nose every now and then. She had a lot of fun but I think she was glad to see me.

On the baby front, I'm hanging in there. I actually haven't had time recently to try my doppler although I hope to tonight. Most evenings I still have a bit of nausea although it's manageable and I'm able to eat a wider range of foods now. I almost hesitate to write this but this is the place where I deal with my feelings so here goes: Over the recent weeks I've gotten rather pessimistic about this pregnancy. I thought my feelings would turn more optimistic over time but they haven't. I just can't get into the mind-set that this pregnancy is going to work out. I don't feel any of the things I did with G. I don't feel like I am carrying around a new little life. I just feel like I'm getting fat. It's hard to explain really. Sometimes I am really convinced that there's something wrong with the baby and that sooner or later we are going to find it out. Until then, I feel like I'm just biding my time. Sometimes I even catch myself making mental plans about what I'm going to do after all this is over and it's down to the three of this. I suspect that these feelings are related to my lurking depression. Some might be tempted to tell me to just shrug them off, think positively. But it just doesn't work that way. All I feel like I can do right now is try to get through with the least impact on those around me. That's where I am at this moment. I hope it changes for the better and soon!

I have to get on to my next task which is wrapping Christmas gifts. There's probably something fundamentally wrong about wrapping Christmas gifts in October. Even if it is cold outside and snow was flurrying this morning. But my folks are coming in tomorrow and I need to have all this stuff ready to send back with them. Ho Ho Ho!

11w4d: Free!

I feel a certain amount of guilt when I say that I am free for the next 48 hours. My good friend just came and left with my daughter. No matter how much I love my daughter, I have to admit that the prospect of 48 hours without her makes me ecstatic. Of course I will miss her smile and her laugh and her witty conversation. On the flip side... no diapers, no whining, no spanking, no Barney. Perhaps not the fairest of trades but I'm muddling through. J and I are supposed to leave bright and early tomorrow morning to head for a nearby city. He doesn't know this but I plan to take him to a motorcycle apparal shop and let him shop to his heart's content. I hope he finds something because that's my anniversary gift. You'd think 10 years would warrant a more exciting present but that's the best I could come up with. At the moment, however, his flight is delayed and it's looking more and more like he might not be able to get home tonight. The best laid plans.... At any rate, we'll end up at a swank hotel tomorrow night (hopefully) and revel in being childless once more. Until we start to miss it and decide to come home!

11w1d: Doubts Creep In

Confession: my last ultrasound coasted me for a mere 8 days. I probably won't have another one for several months. How in the world will I cope? You see, today was a pretty good day. I took my portion of lunch and split it in half. I ate one half for lunch and then the other half a few hours later. I haven't felt sick all day. I felt up to skipping my nap today and doing the grocery shopping instead. Then I came home and cooked dinner. Yes, I actually cooked for the first time in two months. I feel fairly certain I'll be able to make it till at least 9:30 tonight before crashing. That's what I'm shooting for anyway. So all this good karma has gotten me focused, of course, on why things are so good at the moment. You know, I don't think getting out of the first trimester is going to do anything at all for my mental state. Making it to 9 months..... maybe.

11 Weeks

Okay, I'll admit it: every time I roll over to a new "week" I think "gee, I didn't think I'd make it this far". Every day that passes makes me just a little more secure in the pregnancy. But I'd be lying if I said I never went to the bathroom expecting blood or if I said that I can look into next year and imagine actually having a baby.

Biggest news: I'm done with my progesterone! One night last week I was getting ready for bed and something kept nagging me; I kept thinking there was something important that I'd forgotten to do. Just as I was climbing into bed I realized that I had forgotten to do the progesterone. I will so not miss doing that. I am proud to say that not once did I drop one of those little 1/4" round balls into the toilet.

I'm too big for my regular clothes but none of my maternity pants really fit. I was lucky enough to find a pair of pants in the juniors department at Target the other day that actually fits. And I think they will continue to fit throughout the pregnancy. Unfortunately they only had one color that I was interested in. I've gained about 5 pounds so far which is rather more than I had wanted. With G I gained almost 40# total and I had hoped to keep it closer to 30 this time. We'll see. Over the course of the last few weeks my boobs have gone from barely filling an A cup to comfortably fitting in a C! I've never minded being flat-chested so actually having to wear a bra is not exactly a comfortable feeling for me.

Last night I found the baby's heartbeat for a few seconds with the doppler. Can't tell you how good that sounded.

I finally was able to get an appointment with the midwife but not until 13 weeks. I had to work around J's schedule so that I don't have to take G to that first appointment. One of the things I like about their office is that they have a separate play-room for kids so I shouldn't have to work around anything for future appointments. But I figure the first one will take longer with paperwork and such.

The worst of my nausea is gone (knock on wood). Now, usually in the late afternoons through the early evening, I just feel like I have a yucky stomach. It's still hard for me to find things to eat though. And I got so out of the habit of cooking the last 6 weeks or so that it's going to take some doing to get back into it.

Next week is my and J's 10th wedding anniversary! This weekend my good friend is taking G starting Friday night through Sunday! We are looking forward to going out on the town and remembering what life was like before having a child.

10w3d

Shhhh!! Don't tell anyone: I didn't feel sick at all today. In fact, this evening I've eaten four bowls of the soup I cooked for supper. I just can't seem to get enough. I'm not holding my breath that this trend will continue but it sure was nice for a day.

10w1d

Yes, I did mean in my last post to type 32mm for the baby's length. Chalk it up to pregnancy brain.

I went shopping today. I was out for about 4 hours. I am so tired I can hardly think straight. I didn't know it was possible to be this tired. The good news is that I haven't been bothered by nausea today.

10 Week Ultrasound

Great report from the ultrasound today. Baby is measuring almost 32 cm which is 10w1d according to this table. On the machine you could clearly see the baby's fingers and toes. But of course none of the printed pictures came out that well. This is the best one; the baby is looking straight on into the camera as it were. You can see the fingers on the right hand and you can just make out the left hand. The baby's legs are bent and look more like several little blobs. The baby was moving around quite a bit.




I wish I could say that I feel totally at ease now; totally accepting of this pregnancy. That would be a lie though. But I do feel better, mentally and physically at this moment. Next step: schedule the midwife appointment.

10 Weeks

I wish I could say that my nausea just kept getting better and better until it is all gone now. I really wish I could say that. The truth is something closer to this: I have good days and not-so-good days but I haven't had any more really bad days (knock on wood). I still feel nauseous off and on throughout the day, usually when I get hungry. And that seems to be constantly these days. My problem lately has been finding things I want to eat. I seem to crave mostly carbs, which seems to be a common theme amongst people around this time. Last night I got hungry for fried rice. I told my darling hubby this just as he was crawling into bed after a shower. He didn't even grumble all that much as he put his clothes back on to go get me some. He's definitely a keeper.

The fatigue is also still with me. I can't remember with G if that gets better or not. I have to have an afternoon nap every day and even then I'm ready for bed by 9. I'm sleeping a little better at night; not waking up quite as much.

Of course, I'm very nervous about the ultrasound today. This will be my last one till the normal 18-20 week one. I've considered long and hard the last week or so whether to have the nuchal fold ultrasound test done. That's the one that can determine with a fair degree of accuracy your risk for the baby having Down's or some other chromosomal problem. The key word there is "risk". I already have a higher than average risk given my age. On the one hand, I'm not necessarily going to terminate a pregnancy if there's a problem. On the other hand, it might be nice to know there's a problem to be prepared. In the end I decided against it mainly because I already know I have a higher than normal risk and I don't necessarily need to be reminded of that. The test was not even a consideration with G; I'm not sure why I'm fixating on it so much this time around. I seriously doubt whether my midwife even has it as an option. So there. Decision made!

Things have been somewhat stressful around here of late and my reaction to stress is usually depression. More so than normal (for me anyway). J has been wonderful but even he doesn't really understand. So the other thing I'm stressing over right now is whether or not to get some professional help. G has already developed a pattern of dealing with anger that is directly from me and one that I'd rather she hadn't picked up. I'm so afraid that prolonged exposure to my illness will seriously affect her. But I know that what I experience is not bad enough to expose my other child to drugs at this point and drugs won't be an option for a long time as I intend to breastfeed as long as possible. So I'm stuck in a quandary. Quagmire. I always did like that word.

Tomorrow morning I'm getting up bright and early to go get my Christmas shopping done. Yes, I'm always this insanely prepared and yes, I usually start this early. Actually, I'm feeling a little behind this year. My folks are coming to visit in a few weeks and I always like to have all the gifts bought for my family down there so I can just send them with my folks and save shipping costs. Not that it's really a huge issue as I mostly seem to buy gift cards anymore. But I have to at least go looking. I told J I'd definitely be back by naptime because I'll probably be completely and totally exhausted by then!

9w3d: Nausea continues to abate!

Another day where I'm feeling closer and closer to normal. I was just looking back over my posts and the nausea started a little over 5 weeks. I can't believe I've dealt with it for almost a month! No wonder I feel like I'm coming out of a tunnel. But, of course, the disappearance of symptoms scares the crap out of me. Or, maybe I should say it scares the hell out of me because not a whole lot is helping in the crap department (sorry, that was a bit crass....). I've done some reading though and it seems that constipation is mainly the culprit of increased progesterone relaxing the digestive trac (amongst other things). So I'm hoping that stopping the supplements in a little over a week will help. And, of course, the ultrasound is on Monday and that will help in the mental department.

For the first time in weeks, I can actually see the floor of my office now that all the toys are picked up. In addition to a food aversion, I seem to have had a scrapbook aversion these last few weeks so I'm hoping I can get inspired soon to catch up on a few projects. Cleaning up the kitchen is the next task on the list but it's going to have to wait until after my nap!

9w2d

Another semi-good day. Nausea is still there but is manegable. In a wild fit of .... something.... last week I bought a doppler off of ebay. I haven't tried it yet as the heartbeat can't usually be heard until 10 weeks at the very earliest. I'll probably try it after the ultrasound next Monday.

In other news, my hubby seems to be having another midlife crisis. I say "another" because, well, he's already got the convertible, airplane, and he's already made the midlife career change. Last week someone let him ride their motorbike. He got up Monday morning early and went to get his learner's permit. Said person has loaned him the motorbike to learn on. I'm sure it won't be long till we posses one. I suppose there's worse things....

9w1d: Secret

Shhhh! Don't tell anyone!!

I felt almost normal today.

I'm afraid to say that too loud lest the gods of nausea strike me double tomorrow. Don't get me wrong: I still felt sick, just a little less so than normal. The only difference was that this morning J took me out for pancakes and bacon. Usually I end up leaving about half the pancakes. Today I cleaned my plate plus some of G's and all my bacon. I was full but I wouldn't call it stuffed. If the nausea comes back tomorrow, you can bet the next day I'll be at the local diner stocking up on pancakes and bacon again! Or maybe it was having an impromptu lunch in the park with a good friend in beautiful weather. I don't know. All I know is by the afternoon I was remembering what it was like to feel human again. I even had J take us out for ice cream tonight. And to top it all off, G was having one of her "days", complete with about half a dozen temper tantrums. And I felt almost normal. Scary stuff.

6 more days until my next ultrasound!

9 weeks

Every time I complete a week, I feel like saying "I can't believe I made it this far"! When I turned my calendar from August to September, it was with much trepidation that I wrote in each of the weeks in September. I'd be lying if I said there was no hesitation in writing the weeks in October. But it was so nice to look at all the milestones that I will (hopefully) make this month:

• I have my last ultrasound next Monday
• I get to stop the progesterone on the 15th. That will see me to the end of the 10th week, by which time the placenta should be fully functioning
• By the end of the month I will officially be out of the first trimester

Last week I went through the closet containing all my maternity and nursing clothes. Funny thing, I didn't remember having quite that many! I think I picked up a few pairs of pants in the last 2 years. I got out all the pants and washed them. I'll probably start wearing them this week.

I almost don't want to say this but I think the nausea is just one notch slightly better in the last few days. Not gone by any stretch of the imagination but life seems more bearable the last few days. Several times J has been on the point of criticizing my diet of late but he stops short when I tell him to start cooking! Poor G has eaten very little besides chicken nuggets and mac & cheese for the last couple of weeks. One night she said she wanted spagetti so I opened a can of spagettios. As for me, I can tolerate baked potatoes and salads (Wendys!) and at night I can stomach instant mashed potatoes. Before bed at night I've been eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwhich and that sits pretty well and gets me through the night. Yes folks, that's been my diet the last week or more. One night last week we went out with some friends and I had pizza but the heartburn from the tomato sauce was so bad I've decided to never eat tomato sauce again ;-> When all else fails I can usually keep down jello and I try to eat applesauce sometime during the day although honestly I can't see that it really helps the plumbing problems.

I talk to my Mom every Sunday night and I told her the news last night. I was going to wait till they come for a visit in a few weeks but I decided I didn't want to be all nervous about how to tell them. So I decided on the spur of the moment to tell her when she asked how I'd been doing. She was, of course, very excited.

OPKs and HPTs

Well, the only one who responded to my freebies post saying they could use my pee sticks was Lisa at More Than My Share. So Lisa, email me (address over there at the right) and I'll get these out to you!

I was feeling a little better yesterday and some of today but not this evening. I've been on the waiting list at the library for several months now for the first season of The Gilmore Girls and I finally got it on Friday. So I've been on a Gilmore Girl fest. I have 6 days to watch 30 episodes. I'll probably get close to finishing it but then I think I'll be Gilmored-out for a while!

8w4d: Still Here

Yesterday was another rough one. It's like a chicken and the egg thing: does the nausea build and I subconsciouly let G push my buttons because I know it's coming? Or does she push my buttons which triggers the nausea? At any rate, seems like my worst days revolve around her worst days. The funny thing is (knock on wood) every morning I manage to wake up feeling just fine at the start of the day. Knock on wood. I don't know how well I'd make it if I didn't get that little break.

Last night my good friend JE called, all excited. She has been working as a Labor & Delivery nurse at the local hospital for several weeks now and scoping out my choices for delivery. They are pretty limited: 4 OBs and 1 midwife. At first she told me the new OB guy was the best, but after much thought I decided I just wouldn't do well with a male if there were other alternatives (yeah, I've got issues!). So it was down to the female OB who diagnosed my septum and the midwife. I wrote about my issues with the midwife earlier this year in the midst of my second m/c. But I really didn't have enough information about her to make an informed decision. Yesterday JE got to be the nurse with the midwife and she couldn't stop talking about how great the midwife was. She said most definitely that I should make an appointment with her and seriously consider her. It was such a relief to hear that. I really, really want another midwife delivery. Hopefully things will continue to go smooth and I'll get it.

JE also told me that this couple with the midwife also had a doula assisting. I never really considered a doula with G since I was using a midwife. But I can see the value in it, especially since, with just one midwife, there's a slightly higher chance that I'd end up having to be delivered by someone else. Plus, you can never have too many people on your side. In retrospect, I probably would have benefitted from one with G's delivery. So I am planning to contact this doula too and scope her out.

I think I will wait till after the next ultrasound to call the midwife for an appointment.

Ultrasound Pic

It looked better on the machine but this is the best printout. On the machine you could clearly make out the beginnings of little arms and legs.

Helpful Link

It took me a while to google the right search terms to come up with this, so I thought I would list it here for helpful info. This table (about halfway down the page) shows what the Crown To Rump Length should be at different gestations. My measurement today (at 8w2d) was 18.2mm which is exactly where it should be! My first ultrasound was at 7w0d and I measured 11mm which was also right on target.

8w2d: Ultrasound #2

Thanks so much for all your encouraging comments about the ultrasound! It went great and everything still looks great. When I saw the little heart beating away, I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding! The baby measured 18.2mm, up from 11mm. After the ultrasound I realized that all the other ultrasounds I've had in the past always put days and weeks to the measurements but either this machine or this doc doesn't do that. So I'm taking his word for it that that's good growth. He tried to get rid of me again and I told him I needed one more ultrasound. I could tell he was somewhat put out at that. I think it wasn't so much at having to see me again. I think his vanity was offended! I mean, he told me that I was all patched up and that the baby is looking great but that apparantly is not good enough for me! I told him he might have fixed me down here (pointing to my uterus) but not up there (pointing to my head). I don't care much for his bedside manner but I'll put up with it one more time. I've got pictures but can't get to the scanner just now as I'm doing my progesterone (only 2 weeks to go on that!). One neat thing on this ultrasound was that he flicked a switched that showed blue and red to indicate blood flow. You could see the baby's heart all lit up (which we saw last time), but this time you could also clearly see the umbilical cord and placenta lit up.

Things are looking good. I'm encouraged. It won't be too awfully long before I brave my closet to pull out my maternity pants. I'm starting to think about whether I want to go back to the OB who diagnosed my septum or try out the midwife. I don't know how long the optimism will last but for now it feels awfully good.

8w1d: It's Backkkkkkk!

Nausea is back with a vengance. Not sure whether I should dance or cry. Never thought I'd feel relief at feeling so sick again.

23 hours till the ultrasound.

---

Note: freebies ahead!
Ever since I got my BFP, I've been looking at the leftover OPKs and HPTs in my cabinet, wondering what to do with them. I've been telling a lot of people that, regardless of the outcome of this pregnancy, that's it. Either it works and we get another baby, or it doesn't and my childbearing days are over. Now I've decided to put my money where my mouth is, or something like that. I've decided to give away the OPKs and HPTs! There are 25 OPKs from babywishes and they expire in 03/2008. There are 3 Dollar Tree HPTs and they expire in 05/2008. So plenty of time to use all of them. But I want them to go to someone else in the journey who can put them to use. All you need to do is leave a comment for this post, indicating whether you can use the OPKs, the HPTs, or both. Even if you've been lurking and never left a comment, just go ahead and leave one. Like I said, I want these to go to someone who can use them in their journey. On Saturday I'll draw a random winner and send these out, no string attached!

8w1d.... Maybe?

Last night, for the first time in weeks, I craved sweets. I had some chocolate chip cookies and milk and didn't feel sick afterwards. In fact, I haven't felt nauseous in almost 24 hours. This morning, I pooped right on my usual schedule (you really needed to know that, I know). I didn't get up as many times to pee last night. I'm getting a bad feeling about tomorrow's ultrasound. Did I mention that I hate being on this roller coaster?

Just Can't Win

I didn't feel quite as bad today. Or, as I told my hubby, I did more today than the last few days and didn't feel any the worse for it. It's all relative! Of course, any decrease in symptoms brings about the inevitable questions as to why they're decreasing. Even though everything you read says that symptoms can come and go on a daily basis. So, you just can't win. But at least my kitchen floor is the cleanest it's been in weeks!

8 Weeks

Really, there's not much new to write. The nausea and constipation continues. I discovered this weekend that laying down a lot helps a little with the nausea so I spent almost the entire weekend in bed. My house looks like a tornada hit it; I haven't picked up anything but basic chores in the kitchen for days now. This morning I felt well enough to go out and run some errands while J took G out to the park. She's been such a good little trooper; she takes care of me by bringing me blankets and smothering me with stuffed animals. We sit and read a lot of books and do a lot of puzzles. Did you know that morning sickness can continue to 16 weeks of pregnancy and beyond? I'm too afraid to even contemplate that fact right now.

We have another ultrasound Wednesday evening. Of course, I'm already getting worked up about it. If I go another 10 days after this one, that will put me right at 10 weeks. I haven't decided yet if that will do me or if I'll ask for one more. Probably the latter but I still have time to think about it I suppose.

I wish I had more interesting stuff to report. Only 52 hours till the next ultrasound!

7w5d: Things Get Rough

Yesterday was rough. I'm so glad it's over. I've been drinking Coke for about a week now to help with the nausea but I finally had to admit that the caffeine in it was really adversely affecting my sleep. So I went cold turkey yesterday after I found some caffeine-free coke at the grocery store. By evening the nausea was so bad I just wanted to die. By the time I got Gracie to bed I was just dry-heaving because there was absolutely nothing left in my body to heave. But, I was in bed by 10pm and asleep soon after that and I actually got some restful sleep. I was able to stay in bed until almost 9 this morning. Sometime between my 3am bathroom run and the 6:30 run, my nausea just seemed to have disappeared. I feel a little unsteady on my feet today and I can feel the nausea lying in wait for later, but I'm crossing my fingers that today won't be so bad.

7w3d

I went to the bathroom this evening and, as always, first examined my pad to see what's there. I've grown accustomed to some discharge a couple of hours after the progesterone. It's usually hard for me to tell what color it is since my pads are cotton and off-white in color. This time, though I looked and just knew it was darker than normal. I sat there for the longest time before I'd let the pee come out and then an even longer time before I could bring myself to wipe. When I finally looked, all I could see was a blob and my head told my heart and the rest of me that it was a blood clot and that what I had anticipated since my BFP had finally started and who could be surprised? When I finally calmed down a bit (which took longer than I would like to admit) I realized that the blob was only pink and was just some of the outer shell of the progesterone pill. It doesn't often come out in a big piece like that which is what caught me off guard. Other than that, there was just some of the pink progesterone residue. No blood. No clots. Not this time anyway. I can already feel myself descending into a deep dark pit of a hole that can only be climbed out of in an ultrasound room. I hate, hate, hate feeling this way.

It doesn't help one bit that I am reading a book on post-partum and maternal depression (which I'll post more about later, once I'm done) and I see myself in every page, in every description of what depression is. It has moved me to tears several times and I'm only still in the first chapter. I realize in an out-of-body-experience sort of way that I am clinically depressed. Chalk it up to caring for a toddler all day, or chalk it up to raging hormones. But there it is: I'm depressed. I'm doing a lot of soul-searching right now as to whether or not I should seek help. I realize now that I had a mild case of post-partum depression that lasted almost a year. It scares me to think of going through that again. But taking drugs while pregnant or nursing scares me almost as much. Right now I feel like I'm in a very deep, deep well with slippery sides and no hand-holds. No way out. Just darkness.

It's going to be a long 6 days till my next ultrasound.

7w1d: Where did the time go?!

I can't help obsessing over how high my HCG levels were for the given DPOs. Now that there's no second baby to account for things, I've found myself staring at the calendar. If you recall, I got a positive OPK on a Monday but no temp rise until Wednesday. Given my hormone levels and the current size of the baby, I've decided that in all likelihood I ovulated sometime that Monday and my temps were just slow to catch up. By pushing ovulation back by two days, my hormone levels are still slightly higher than the range in the charts, but not nearly as high as they were. Which makes me feel just a little bit better. So in the space of a few minutes, I jumped from being 6w6d to being 7w1d. Which also makes me feel better since my second m/c bleeding started at 6w6d.

Why do a few days matter so much? I don't know; it's really hard to explain. Mostly, ever since I read that high HCG can be a marker for Down's, it's concerned me. It can also be a marker for a molar pregnancy but thankfully we've ruled that out! The third thing it can indicate is a girl which would please me greatly.

My nausea has been so much better today. I've noticed the last few days that I never really feel full; I always feel right on the verge of being hungry. I haven't been as good today about eating regularly so I assume the worst of it this weekend was stress over the ultrasound. Which makes next week's ultrasound a double-edged sword! Hopefully I won't get quite as stressed about that one. But I know that seeing a heartbeat doesn't really guarantee anything when one has a defective uterus. Or had. Supposedly patched up now but who knows for sure.

Today I allowed myself to get my pregnancy books out. With my first pregnancy I had The Pregnancy Journal: A Day-to-Day Guide to a Healthy and Happy Pregnancy and Your Pregnancy Week by Week. I especially liked the journal as it told you what was happening day by day. When I got pregnant the second time, I eagerly dug it out of the box and started filling in my dates. How sad to look at it today where it so abrubtly ended. When I got pregnant the third time, I still thought the first m/c was just a fluke, so I got it out again, although I didn't write in any dates. How stupid I felt when I miscarried that one and discovered that there was really no baby and all the development things I had been reading about didn't really apply. So, as you can imagine, I've resisted getting these books out this time around. But today, J took G to the park for a while and I had some time, so I got them out and caught up in the journal on the baby's development. I still read it with some trepidation but it also gives me some hope as well.

6w5d: Ultrasound

There's only one and we saw and heard a very strong heartbeat! That's the important information. I forgot to ask what the heartbeat was in the excitement of actually hearing it.

None of the pictures I got shows very much. I like this one because it shows the heartbeat. In the center you can see the baby and the circle to the right of it is the yolk sac. The baby is 11mm.

My next ultrasound is scheduled for next week Wednesday. He didn't have any problem scheduling another one but he kept saying that everthing is looking great.

I'm feeling relieved. It's amazing how much better my nausea has been today. Could be because I've been eating all day. Could be because a huge source of stress has been lifted. There's still the fact that my hormone levels were very high from the start and that will continue to reside in the back of my brain but overall I feel so much better knowing that things, at least for the moment, look really good.

6w5d Change of Tactics

Sorry about that last post. I started to delete it, but then decided to leave it there in all its whiny glory. Last night I consulted Dr. Google and found that both stress and fatique make morning sickness worse. Don't know that I can do anything about the stress although that might get better after this afternoon. I will try to get more rest. And I'll try eating every 2 hours or so and see if that helps. Thanks for all y'all's support!

6w4d: Looking Ahead

Tonight I allowed myself to do something for the first time in this pregnancy: look ahead on the calendar. Sure, I've thought vaguely and generally about things happening in the future. But tonight my Mom said they'd like to come visit towards the end of October and I actually looked at the calendar and counted weeks. To my surprise, the end of October will put me at 12 weeks, the magical end of the first trimester. It seems like so far away; on the other hand, it's just the end of next month. And we're already over halfway through this one.

I've found myself playing a lot of mind games today. The nausea has been at its worst today and I'm not finding anything tonight that I can actually keep down. Okay, I'm officially complaining about it today. No matter how much I want this baby, there is no way around the fact that feeling bad all the time just plain sucks.

J gets home late tonight and I'm hoping he'll be able to take G off my hands for a while tomorrow. You know: so I can just focus on being miserable all by myself!

16 hours till the ultrasound.

God

It being a Sunday, it seems like a good day to muse about.... God.

Last night I watched some of what has to be one of my favorite films: The Awakening Land starring Elizabeth Montgomery and based on the trilogy of books by Conrad Richter. If you can find the show on TV, I would highly recommend watching it, although beware that it is 6 hours in length! The first time I found it I was flipping channels and came across the opening credits. I got so into it that I sat there and watched the whole 6 hours, commercial free, of it! The books are excellent as well and the movie is very closely based on them. Basically the movie is about a family who moves into the Ohio Valley in the late 1700s and builds a life and thriving town there.

In one of the early scenes that I watched last night, a man receives a letter that his entire family (wife and 4 small boys) have drowned on the way trying to join him. Montgomery's characters reacts by saying something to the effect of "sweet God, have mercy" (I wish I could remember the exact quote but I can't find it!). Another character, cast as an atheist, says to the effect "the question is not whether God should have mercy but why he should allow this torture to happen in the first place". It struck me that their interaction rather sums up the 2 major ways that people react to trials and tribulations.

Some people see bad things happen and immediately look to God for help in dealing with it. I admire these people. I have lots of them in my life. I suppose I used to be this type.

Other people (I'm speaking of myself here!) see bad things happen and wonder why God could have allowed it to happen in the first place. I take no comfort in the fact that everyone tells me that my dead babies are in heaven with God and with people who love them. I want to know why God took them away from me in the first place.

I wish I could sum up this post with a deep, meaningful lesson to take away. I can't. I'm still at the point of asking why God allows bad things to happen. I'm still angry at him for it. Even with this new life (possibly) growing inside of me, I'm still angry about the loss of what could have been.

---

In other news, I continue to be nauseous all the time. I know that the secret is to keep my stomach full but it's a vicious cycle: I get hungry and then I don't feel like I want to eat anything. All the things that appealed to me at the grocery store are terrible: turkey & cheese lunchables, red baron pizza, chips. And the worst of all: Coke which is about the only liquid I can hold down right now. Someone wake me up when this is all over and I've lost the 70 pounds I'm sure to gain in the very near future!

Only 28 hours till the ultrsound!

6w3d: Better Today

I spent most of last night feeling pretty yucky. But I woke up this morning hungry as a bear which is usually a sure sign for me that I had some bad food. Of course, now I'm obsessing over how this might have affected the baby. Good thing it's only 48 hours until the ultrasound!

We survived the zoo this morning. G was braver than me and touched both the bearded dragon and the snake. I ventured to touch the bunny but that was my limit. Of course she feel asleep for 15 minutes in the car on the way home and is now wide awake and running around her room upstairs. I keep hoping she'll just lay down and fall asleep. It's looking like an early bedtime tonight. No complaints here!

Duh

I went to the grocery store this morning to pick up a few things. As soon as I got into the produce department I had this sudden, overwhelming craving for spinach. I must have circled that thing 3 or 4 times (thank goodness it's not very large) and I just couldn't figure out where they'd moved it to. They didn't even have fresh bunched spinach. I finally decided that some spinach blight must have taken out the entire west-coast crop and that my craving would go unfilled. Imagine my shock when I finally got on the computer and realized that there is a recall on all the spinach for E-coli!

Speaking of which, I think my bout this morning may have been bad food more so than morning sickness. We'll see if we have a repeat of it tomorrow but I am feeling 100% better this evening and I've had plenty of bouts of food poisoning to compare it to!

I haven't made many movie recommendations of late. Haven't really watched a whole lot and the ones we did get all seemed to be the low end of the scale. But last night I finally got around to watching Born Into Brothels. Awesome film! It will tug at your heartstrings but it is so worth watching.

My other recommendation for tonight (and them I'm going to bed!) is a magazine called Wondertime. I was intrigued by the cover and picked it up recently and I'll have to say that I really enjoyed reading it. So much so that I've decided to subscribe and it takes a lot to make it on to my subscription list! You can sign up to get a free issue and I would really encourage it if you have kids.

We're supposed to attend a "class" at the zoo tomorrow. I know that G would/will really love it but I'm still up in the air about it. This morning I didn't start feeling sick until about 11 which would be right at the end of the class. I'm just worried I'll get sick there with her or in the car. I guess I can be prepared with a puke bag. I'll see which way the wind is blowing tomorrow.

6w2d

Conversation in the car this morning:

Me: Okay, we're almost home. Now, when we get there, I want you to hop out and run inside as fast as you can because Mommy's feeling sick.
G: I don't want you to be sick Mommy.
Me: I don't want to either!

But sick I am. I've traded the clogged plumbing problem for one of a different nature. Plus I'm nauseous pretty much 24 hours a day. I was telling my best friend this yesterday and she kept exclaiming "That's great"! I told her she wasn't really helping. Although I am, if not happy over this turn of events, at least at peace with it because I know I didn't have it this bad the last 2 pregnancies.

Only 74 more hours till my first ultrasound! Where did this week go?!

I've Decided

Yep, I've made a major decision in the midst of all these hormones. Whether or not this pregnancy works out, this is the end of the road. If it does work out, I'll be happy of course. If it doesn't work out, I'll be content to never have to live through the Terrible Twos again. Ever. Even that will be too soon.

I figured out early on that my daughter was going to be "strong-willed". I try my best to take her in hand and make her do what I want her to do. But what do you do with a 2 1/2 year old when you have a conversation like this:

Me: If you do that again I'm going to spank you.
Her: [does it again while looking me in the eye]
Me: What did I say I was going to do if you did that again?
Her: Give me a spanking [as she bends over and pulls her pants down]

I think it's like a game to her. So today I took her to the Y as usual and tried to drop her off at the Playzone for babysitting while I exercised. She was just not having. I coaxed and cajolled and did everything I could think of. She was not letting go of my leg while screaming at the top of her lungs "I don't want to stay here". Well, what could I do? My mother forced me to stay in a place against my similar protests and it screwed my life up forever and I vowed never to do that to my child. So we turned around and went home. Of course, she cried all the way there that she wanted to go play at the Y.

It's enough to make a sane woman break down and cry. It's enough to make a pregnant, insane one go off the deep end.

6 Weeks

Yesterday I read back over the postings of my last m/c in January and February of this year. It was so depressing to see how optimistic I was. I started spotting with that one at 6w6d. With my first m/c I made it all the way to 8w2d. I know it sounds rather pessimistic to be comparing dates like this but I can't help myself. I think the next 2 or 3 weeks will be the hardest for me. Fortunately I've got an ultrasound next Monday (in only 5 days!) to help get me through it. I'm going to hold my ground and get another one at 8 weeks. In the meantime, you can bet I'll be holding my breath every single time I wipe. Which is a lot these days.

5w6d

What in the world did our mothers do without constant access to Dr. Google??? Sometimes it's a blessing. Most times, though, I suspect it's a curse for us. For instance, did you know that abnormally high levels of HCG can indicate a molar pregnancy? Those same high levels can also be a marker for Down's. Yes, thank you Dr. Google; I feel so much more reassured now knowing that it's not written in stone that I'm carrying multiples. Well, on the flip side, they can also indicate that it's a girl. Yes, I know: step away from the computer.

Since I had problems with gestational diabetes in my first pregnancy (not anything that had to be controlled; it just made me have to do the second 3 hour blood test) I'm determined to be better about my sugar intake this time around. I guess the peanut butter M&Ms don't qualify but, hey, they're staying down! Anyway, I came across Sierra Mist Free in the store today. I don't normally like diet sodas but I'll have to say this one is pretty good. It's sweetened with Aspartame which I know is controversial to some. But right now I think it's better than the large amounts of high fructose corn syrup in ginger ale.

5w5d

There's just not a whole lot to write about these days. Every day has taken on a sameness: I'm nauseous most of the day off and on. I'm constipated. The cramping continues to plague me. One day I decided to see if copious amounts of water during the day would help. I drank almost a gallon of water and I still had the cramping, although perhaps just a little less. So I'm trying to drink more water. Except that I've entered a phase that I vividly remember from being pregnant the first time around: I can't stomach the taste of water! How can you not like the taste of water?! I have no idea except that I just can't drink it for some reason. Ginger ale is about the only thing I can get down although I have also been forcing down apple juice (not that it or the apple sauce has helped!).

Okay, did that just sound like a complaint-fest? Because I can assure you, I am not complaining! I'm glad for the symptoms. Alright, alright, I am complaining just a little about the cramping because it's the thing that keeps me in a dither about the viability of this pregnancy. It's just the "unknown" right now and we all know how much I hate the unknown. But while I'm listing symptoms, I'll throw in tender boobs and bloating like you wouldn't believe. The boobs are also getting a bit bigger. And just today my belly started to itch.

I was trying to catch up on some of blog reading today and surfed over to Going It Alone. She just had her almost-10-week scan and the babies look great. Both of them. So I thought: I remember her listing some of her betas; I wonder what they were. Her 16dpo beta was 503. Mine? 955. Her 20dpo beta was 2652. My 22 dpo was 8602. Okay, just for the record, I'm getting really scared now having read that.

In other news, my little girl made the potty 3 out of 3 times this afternoon. I guess we are the way to potty training. Of course, this is the interval of time when it is *so* much more work because I have to be constantly asking "do you need to potty" and this morning there was an accident to clean up. But there's no turning back now.

5w2d

Did I just say yesterday I wasn't having any symptoms?!! I remember with G: I got an early positive but didn't have any symptoms. After a while I actually started praying for some nausea or something! Sure enough, right at 6 weeks I started getting afternoon sickness but nothing really bad. Of course, this time around I've been on symptom-watch as well and the nausea finally showed up today. Gee, I could have done without that particular symptom. Things have also definitely slowed down in the plumbing department today. According to Dr. Google that's a result of increased progesterone. So hopefully those suppositories are doing some good. So now I've got the dilema of needing to drink some apple juice but there is no way in creation that that stuff is going to pass my lips at the moment. I also really need to make dinner but the thought of that just brings tears to my eyes as well. Tears because those symptoms have finally shown up. And I'm relishing every moment of them. Really I am.

I was surfing today to see when you can expect to see the heartbeat on an ultrasound. Seems like 6.5 weeks is a common point but I'm not going to hold my breath given my retroverted uterus. Anyway, I came across one web page where you could ask questions of an ultrasound tech and she said sometimes she will have patients with inconclusive ultrasounds that need to wait a week for the next one. She said she always tells them that there's nothing to be done but wait and that they should enjoy every moment they can with their baby. Maybe the next ultrasound will be bad news but they've got the baby for now. I'm really trying to find encouragement in that. My last pregnancy was most likely a blighted ovum that never really progressed very far in developing a baby. My hormone levels also never got over 5000 with that one. With this pregnancy, given my high levels, I feel like I can say that there is a developing baby in there. I may or may not get to the point of giving birth to this baby. But I've got him or her right now and so I'm trying to enjoy the moment of that. Even if I'm enjoying it from the bathroom floor!

Accomplishment!

Tonight I was laying in bed and my 2.5 year old daughter came in the room and announced "I'm all done going potty". I was busy catching up on my blog reading and frankly didn't think too much of it. Then I happened to look at her and saw that she was naked from the waist down. So I scooped her up and ran downstairs to look at the small potty in the guest bathroom. Sure enough: she had peed in it! I was so ecstatic. For months now everyone has been berating me for not trying to train her. I maintained (given my vast experience on this subject of course!) that she was the type that would use it as a battleground until she was ready if I tried to push her. So I haven't pushed her. I keep the potty out and we talk about it a lot. She proved me right today by doing it the first time all alone, all by herself. So you'll excuse me if I take a few moments to brag on her. And on me for being right. Although time will tell about that!

As a side note, some of you may be unable to post comments on my blog because blogger is in the midst of switching over login stuff. I am unable to leave comments on blogs that have not switched to the beta and I guess you can't leave comments on beta blogs without a google login. Hopefully they will get this all resolved soon - it's a real pain in the butt. In the meantime, I have an email address over there to the side and if I am MIA from commenting on your blog, you'll know why.

Last Beta

I'm assuming this will be the last beta for a while (hopefully!) since I'm now at 8602; definitely over 1000! So, if you're interested:

* At 22 DPO, the average HCG level is 1287 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 185-3279 mIU/ml.

Maybe I ovulated the day before and my temp just didn't go up that morning. So

* At 23 DPO, the average HCG level is 2034 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 506-4660 mIU/ml.

Still high. I'm hoping this will get me through the next week! I'm still not having any symptoms really. No nausea. My boobs hurt off and on but not a lot. I wonder how high my hormones have to be before they start causing problems?! Other than cramping, I mean!!

Home At Last

We got back into town this afternoon. We had a nice visit with my aunt although I'm afraid we tired her out! Then we spent a few days with the parents of my good friend B in the mountains of NC. It was all fun but I'm tired and ready to get back into the routine.

So, I was doing just fine until Sunday. While at church with my aunt I had one of those sudden, depressing mood changes. I became totally convinced that I was miscarrying. I just knew I would get home to find blood in the underwear. What brings this on? I had good betas and nothing happened; it just came. It didn't help that Sunday afternoon I started cramping. Not terribly bad but I would have taken something if I hadn't been pregnant. It continued on all day Monday. And it was still there Tuesday. I felt like Jekyll and Hyde, trying to be a good guest and all the time thinking that any minute I was going to start bleeding. Tuesday morning I left a message for the RE that I had some questions. I missed their return call Tuesday evening and the nurse left a message that she was assuming I was calling to get my beta results but she couldn't find them. As an aside, they wanted me to get one more beta, to get over the 1000 mark. So I left another message (rather tearful towards the end I'm afraid to admit) that I was having cramping and that I really needed to do an earlier ultrasound for my own peace of mind. That night we were finally able to get on the internet where I learned that cramping at this point is quite common and, as long as it's not accompanied by bleeding, it's not really a cause for concern. I also learned that it can be caused either by the uterus stretching or also by other factors such a dehydration. That made perfect sense to me since the whole trip I had not been drinking anything but sweet tea (hey, it's the south!) and not much at that. So that night I started drinking water and lots of it and guess what: by Wednesday I wasn't cramping anymore. I finally got a return call from the RE's nurse Wednesday morning and she agreed to schedule an earlier ultrasound for the 18th when I will be almost 7 weeks. I still can't quite figure out why they are so reluctant to do them any earlier. But so be it. She said I could talk to the doc at that point about doing more but she didn't think it would be a problem. Since they're my only option at this point, I'm dealing with it!

So that was my "vacation"! It got more relaxing the last day. I think if I had been able to consult Dr. Google at the start of the cramping I would have been much better off mentally. As it is, only 11 more days till my ultrasound and I should have the results of my latest beta tonight. Hopefully that'll be enough to buoy me for 11 days!

Another Beta

Another beta today: 955. Still a doubling time of a little over 33 hours. Haven't heard from the RE's office yet but I assume this will be the last one. Well, mostly because we are going out of town tomorrow and won't be back till later next week! So now we are on the countdown till the ultrasound, which is another 4 or 5 weeks away.

As for the level of the beta, most pages you find quote this:
At 16 DPO, the average HCG level is 95 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 33-223 mIU/ml
betabase reports a median of 231 for 16dpo for singletons and 420 for multiples. Obviously, my 955 is really high compared to any of those, which, according to Dr. Google, can be an indicator for twins. J is for some reason absolutely, positively convinced there's two of them this time around. I personally just think I tend towards high hormone levels. My first m/c, we didn't do betas until about 8 weeks and those numbers were on the high side of the ranges even then. So speculation is rampant but we won't know anything for sure for a while.

We leave tomorrow (weather cooperating) to visit my Aunt in South Carolina. She lives in the same town she grew up in, and, in fact, her current house stands on the same spot as the house that she was born in! She's a lovely lady with the most graceful manners and Southern accent. From there we go to spent a couple of days with the parents of my good friend B. They have a cabin in the mountains of North Carolina. I once joined the family there for several weeks one summer when I was about 12 or 13. Haven't been back since and am really looking forward to it.

In other news I was "accepted" in the MOPs program at the local Baptist Church. Our first meeting is next Friday and it looks like we meet once a month with other activities such as playgroups and Moms' nights out sprinkled in between. I'm sure I'll get more nervous about the first meeting as it approaches!

That's it for a while. Off to enjoy our vacation and pass some quality time while awaiting our ultrasound.

Milestone: Four Weeks

It's hard to believe that I am just now today 4 weeks and I've already had three betas done! I feel so much better about this pregnancy than the last one, though, and I wholly attribute that to being able to watch my numbers rise. So, today my beta was at 354, up from 131 on Monday. That's a doubling time of about 33 hours, about the same as from my beta on Friday to Monday. I keep reminding myself that these rapidly rising numbers don't guarantee anything. But for now they give me hope. I'll go in for another beta on Friday. We're leaving for a trip on Saturday (tentatively depending on Ernesto!), so I probably won't get to check it again till the Friday after that.

I have no real symptoms yet. I remember with G that the symptoms didn't manifest themselves until about 6 weeks. I remember every day looking and hoping for signs and I even started to hope that I would start barfing, just to make myself "feel" pregnant! After I stop doing the betas I guess my next milestone will be looking for pregnancy symptoms! I have been noticeably more tired the last two days but I could contribute that to my recent sleeping habits. I suspect those habits will be changing in the near future!

Waiting

Every 6 months J has to have a full physical in order to keep his flying license. Every 12 months he has to have an EKG. During this one, the BIL saw some abnormalities that he wanted to check out. So we got up early this morning and went to the hospital for an ultrasound on J's heart. I didn't get to see it but he said it was pretty neat. We're both trying not to think too hard about what problems might be turned up from this. J has always been healthy and has always exercised regularly. But still you think about those athletes you hear about that keel over from a heart attack. Another thing to wait on.

While we were at the hospital I got my blood drawn. I had a bruise from Monday and the lady today was in a big hurry so now I've got one about twice the size. Ouch. I guess we'll have to go to the other arm Friday which I'm not looking forward to. So I'm just waiting on those results.

Waiting....

Congrats yet?

I'm still managing to sail on the euphoric seas of my beta yesterday. Funny how something as simple as a number can determine one's mood. Lorem says "Can I say 'Congratulations' yet?" which had me thinking a lot last night. Will there be a magical moment in this pregnancy when I can say "yes, you can congratulate me because I'm going to have a baby"? I think the answer would have to be no. I think it will be a very gradual process of accepting that this pregnancy might work out. I foresee that the process will take about 8 more months! But I've decided to be happy just the same. I don't know if it will work out. I don't know if I'll have another miscarriage. But I do know that I got pregnant on the second try since my surgery and that's a far cry from the year it took to get pregnant after my first m/c. And right now I am pregnant. So by golly I'm going to be happy for myself and try to enjoy it.

I'm writing these words mostly so that I can re-read them in a week or two and remind myself of this feeling!

The RE's office finally called me yesterday afternoon. They didn't have my second beta results yet so I told the nurse what it was. She said that was great. We also clarified the chain of events. I will do betas until I top 1000. Then we can schedule an ultrasound which will take place around 8 weeks. If everything looks good at that ultrasound, the doc will release me to a regular OB. I'm disappointed that I won't be getting more ultrasounds and more monitoring and that I can't stay with him a little longer (past the 10 weeks of my first m/c). On the flip side, I'm hoping that by the 8 week ultrasound we'll be able to see a heartbeat (I have a retroverted uterus which makes seeing things happen a little later). At this point I'm planning to go back to the OB who did my HSG and I'm sure that she will do extra ultrasounds as I feel I need them. I will probably ask for appts every 2 weeks when I first start with her. So, I'm not looking any further than the next milestone (!) but I feel a little better having a tentative plan.

You know, just in case things work out....