7w3d

I went to the bathroom this evening and, as always, first examined my pad to see what's there. I've grown accustomed to some discharge a couple of hours after the progesterone. It's usually hard for me to tell what color it is since my pads are cotton and off-white in color. This time, though I looked and just knew it was darker than normal. I sat there for the longest time before I'd let the pee come out and then an even longer time before I could bring myself to wipe. When I finally looked, all I could see was a blob and my head told my heart and the rest of me that it was a blood clot and that what I had anticipated since my BFP had finally started and who could be surprised? When I finally calmed down a bit (which took longer than I would like to admit) I realized that the blob was only pink and was just some of the outer shell of the progesterone pill. It doesn't often come out in a big piece like that which is what caught me off guard. Other than that, there was just some of the pink progesterone residue. No blood. No clots. Not this time anyway. I can already feel myself descending into a deep dark pit of a hole that can only be climbed out of in an ultrasound room. I hate, hate, hate feeling this way.

It doesn't help one bit that I am reading a book on post-partum and maternal depression (which I'll post more about later, once I'm done) and I see myself in every page, in every description of what depression is. It has moved me to tears several times and I'm only still in the first chapter. I realize in an out-of-body-experience sort of way that I am clinically depressed. Chalk it up to caring for a toddler all day, or chalk it up to raging hormones. But there it is: I'm depressed. I'm doing a lot of soul-searching right now as to whether or not I should seek help. I realize now that I had a mild case of post-partum depression that lasted almost a year. It scares me to think of going through that again. But taking drugs while pregnant or nursing scares me almost as much. Right now I feel like I'm in a very deep, deep well with slippery sides and no hand-holds. No way out. Just darkness.

It's going to be a long 6 days till my next ultrasound.