God

It being a Sunday, it seems like a good day to muse about.... God.

Last night I watched some of what has to be one of my favorite films: The Awakening Land starring Elizabeth Montgomery and based on the trilogy of books by Conrad Richter. If you can find the show on TV, I would highly recommend watching it, although beware that it is 6 hours in length! The first time I found it I was flipping channels and came across the opening credits. I got so into it that I sat there and watched the whole 6 hours, commercial free, of it! The books are excellent as well and the movie is very closely based on them. Basically the movie is about a family who moves into the Ohio Valley in the late 1700s and builds a life and thriving town there.

In one of the early scenes that I watched last night, a man receives a letter that his entire family (wife and 4 small boys) have drowned on the way trying to join him. Montgomery's characters reacts by saying something to the effect of "sweet God, have mercy" (I wish I could remember the exact quote but I can't find it!). Another character, cast as an atheist, says to the effect "the question is not whether God should have mercy but why he should allow this torture to happen in the first place". It struck me that their interaction rather sums up the 2 major ways that people react to trials and tribulations.

Some people see bad things happen and immediately look to God for help in dealing with it. I admire these people. I have lots of them in my life. I suppose I used to be this type.

Other people (I'm speaking of myself here!) see bad things happen and wonder why God could have allowed it to happen in the first place. I take no comfort in the fact that everyone tells me that my dead babies are in heaven with God and with people who love them. I want to know why God took them away from me in the first place.

I wish I could sum up this post with a deep, meaningful lesson to take away. I can't. I'm still at the point of asking why God allows bad things to happen. I'm still angry at him for it. Even with this new life (possibly) growing inside of me, I'm still angry about the loss of what could have been.

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In other news, I continue to be nauseous all the time. I know that the secret is to keep my stomach full but it's a vicious cycle: I get hungry and then I don't feel like I want to eat anything. All the things that appealed to me at the grocery store are terrible: turkey & cheese lunchables, red baron pizza, chips. And the worst of all: Coke which is about the only liquid I can hold down right now. Someone wake me up when this is all over and I've lost the 70 pounds I'm sure to gain in the very near future!

Only 28 hours till the ultrsound!