Monday, October 23, 2006

12 Weeks

On the home front, we had a wonderful time on our anniversary trip. J ended up getting off of work a little early so we were able to spend time together Friday night. Our trip to Cincinnati was very relaxing and refreshing. We found the motorcycle shop and got J outfitted from head to toe! He was so excited that he honestly couldn't sleep Saturday night. He is out today looking at a motorcycle to buy that I fully expect he will bring home. The insurance cost caught me a bit by surprise though. $150 a year to insure him. As with most things in our budget, it's not a huge amount but conspires with everything else to add up after a while. I came home to the hugest hug I've ever gotten from G although I found out that the runny nose she had Friday night turned into a full-blown cold over the weekend. But my friend said it didn't slow her down a bit except to wipe her nose every now and then. She had a lot of fun but I think she was glad to see me.

On the baby front, I'm hanging in there. I actually haven't had time recently to try my doppler although I hope to tonight. Most evenings I still have a bit of nausea although it's manageable and I'm able to eat a wider range of foods now. I almost hesitate to write this but this is the place where I deal with my feelings so here goes: Over the recent weeks I've gotten rather pessimistic about this pregnancy. I thought my feelings would turn more optimistic over time but they haven't. I just can't get into the mind-set that this pregnancy is going to work out. I don't feel any of the things I did with G. I don't feel like I am carrying around a new little life. I just feel like I'm getting fat. It's hard to explain really. Sometimes I am really convinced that there's something wrong with the baby and that sooner or later we are going to find it out. Until then, I feel like I'm just biding my time. Sometimes I even catch myself making mental plans about what I'm going to do after all this is over and it's down to the three of this. I suspect that these feelings are related to my lurking depression. Some might be tempted to tell me to just shrug them off, think positively. But it just doesn't work that way. All I feel like I can do right now is try to get through with the least impact on those around me. That's where I am at this moment. I hope it changes for the better and soon!

I have to get on to my next task which is wrapping Christmas gifts. There's probably something fundamentally wrong about wrapping Christmas gifts in October. Even if it is cold outside and snow was flurrying this morning. But my folks are coming in tomorrow and I need to have all this stuff ready to send back with them. Ho Ho Ho!

1 comment:

Tendersoul said...

I went through a stage, around the same time, where I didn't feel pregnant at all. It my mind, I thought it meant doom. I have also heard of this with other women.

Looking back, I guess the newness of it all had kind of worn off and I hadn't felt movement or anything like that yet, so it just kind of didn't seem real at that point.

That was my personal experience anyway.

I hope you can get through this part of it and start to enjoy it a little. I know it's easier said than done, but try - just a little.

Thinking of you.