27w2d: The Ultimate Indignity

Pregnancy and childbirth bring about a lot of indignities, most of which are suffered and quickly forgotten. I still have a snapshot in my head of a moment just before G was born. Someone put my glasses on so I could see her crowning and I looked around the room and realized that there were an awful lot of strangers standing about staring at my privates, which weren't exactly private just then. Indignity, yes, but quickly dismissed.

There's other indignities in pregnancy that no one really ever tells you about. Let's talk varicose veins. My husband has them all over his legs; he says they don't hurt him very much but they look insufferable. I've never had varicose veins on my legs and I've been fortunate enough thus far to not have them in pregnancy. But did you know that you can get them in other places? Specifically, varicose veins in the vulvular area are not exactly uncommon.

For about a week now I sometimes have this feeling that something's going to fall out down there. I've also felt for a while now that things are very swollen down there. Today I started getting a bit of a burning sensation after I'd been standing a while. So I finally made myself check it out. Yep - I've got several rather large pockets.

Of course Dr. Google and I have been in lengthy consultation today. I've learned that this is not uncommon for pregnant women and usually goes away within a day or two of delivery. There's really nothing to be done for it. Ice packs can help relieve the pain and sitting or laying will help as well. The sensation that things are about to fall out is common and goes with the territory.

Can I start whining now? My bum hurts and I can only assume that it's going to get worse and I've got a good 12 weeks to see how bad it can get. Between that and the now-ever-present pain of stretching skin just below my left breast I'll have to admit that I'm a basket-case at the moment. G's been off the last two days and won't nap and whines enough for the two of us. I sat down and had a real good feeling-sorry-for-myself cry today but it didn't really help.

I know the product of all this will make it worth it in the end - especially when it's nothing but a bad memory. But right now I'm just about ready to crawl in bed and put myself on self-proclaimed strict bedrest for the next 12 weeks!

27 Weeks: Flying High

It's been quite a day. Here at my house just a little north of Central Ohio, we hit -5 last night! That's pretty darn cold for a girl raised on the gulf coast of Texas.

At 2:30am I was rudely awakened by my smoke alarm upstairs. It's a fancy one with a built-in light and the light came on with a loud beeping noise, but only for about 5 seconds. Of course, J is gone and we are at home alone, so it's up to me to investigate. I'm used to smoke alarms just making little chirping noises when their batteries go out so I couldn't decide if smoke had actually triggered this one or not. I walked all over the house and even stuck my head outside but found nothing. So I went back to bed. Only to be awakened an hour later by the same thing. This time I decided to just take it down and take the batteries out. While doing that I saw the note that if it did what it was doing, then the batteries needed replacing. Of course this one partially woke up G so I had to go settle her down.

Finally about 9:30 this morning I drug myself out of bed and into the bathroom to discover that the hot water pipe had frozen. It's happened several times before, ever since my kitchen remodel when they rerouted some heating ducts and cut off heat to the bathroom. The only recourse is to apply massive amounts of heat to the pipe and hope it doesn't burst. The first time it happened I had to pay $150 to a plumber to learn that lesson. This time I'm saving myself the money.

Kudos if you've read this far because now it's time for the really big news. The midwife called just a little while ago to tell me that my 3 hour glucose test results were NORMAL! Yippeeeeeeee! Who cares about smoke alarms and frozen pipes in light of that??!!! This scenario, by the way, is exactly how it played out with G. So I'm going to do this time exactly what I did with her: from here on out I'll make an effort to cut down on the carbs and especially the sugar, since obviously my body has a bit of a hard time handling too much of that. I can't convey to you the hugeness of my relief. It was really difficult not spend the last two days dwelling on the possibilities. Now I guess I can move on to dwell on everything involved in getting this kid out into the world.

I am officially in the third trimester now. Just 14 more weeks. Wasn't it just yesterday that I was looking forward to getting off of progesterone?

Dilemma

I've got a dilemma; maybe someone out there can help me with it.

I have this friend. Besides my hubby, she's my best friend in the whole world. She was my college roommate for one semester and we've stayed friends ever since. I'll call her T. I got to go visit T for a few days after Christmas. We don't see each other much but we talk on the phone at least weekly. She's got 5 kids and has been a lifesaver with parenting advice.

When I was visiting T we got to talking about how things might be after the birth and dealing with G and all that. At one point she suggested that her hubby might just let her come stay with me for a while to help out. I was ecstatic! At the time I thought I could fly her up here on J's travel benefits very cheaply and she was talking about staying a whole week.

The other day I started researching the travel benefits, only to find out that J would have to travel with her both ways in order for us to use them. Not very practical when I need him at home to help out. So I priced the flights. It was looking like it would only be about $300 to get her here.

She called me up yesterday and said that her hubby had agreed to let her go but she wanted to also bring her 4 year old daughter. That sounded reasonable. Price goes up to $600 but I've got help for an entire week and a playmate for G. I enthusiastically agreed. Then we started talking dates. Then she dropped the bombshell. Seems her hubby only agreed on the condition that she leaves on a Thursday and comes home the next Monday. Excuse me? That's like only really 3 days. All of a sudden, from a purely financial standpoint, that $600 is not sounding like a very good investment.

I really would like my friend to come. Her help would probably be invaluable to me. And I've already pretty much told her I will buy her a ticket and it's a go; we just have to decide on the dates. [ there's no way she could afford to pay herself so that's totally not an option ] So now I'm left with a dilemma. I can come up with the money for the ticket. I've got it in savings now; it'll just hurt more down the road when I'm trying to make my dollars stretch to stay home longer with the kids before going back to work. Do I just suck it up and go through with the plans and enjoy it while she's here and try not to think too much about the money? Or do I come clean with her and tell her what's bugging me and offer to fly her up here some other time when she might could stay longer and/or I could really enjoy her visit?

I feel like I'm being a schmuck and just looking at the bottom line. On the other hand, that bottom line is what's going to keep me at home as long as possible with my kids. What oh what do I do???

Always Waiting

Pulled myself out of bed this morning at a little before 7am. I am so not an early riser. Especially when it's single digit temps outside. I made it to the lab a few minutes after 7 but they didn't get to me until 7:30. The test itself wasn't too bad. I was mostly just tired from not having slept well last night. I hope it's a good sign that at the end of the test I felt mostly normal, albeit hungry. I never did get that shaky feeling or anything. My fasting level was 88 which the nurse said was perfect. I hope it's a good indicator. My first two blood draws were by the "good" nurse. The last two were by the.... let's just say the other nurse. My arms still ache, two hours later. I'm afraid to take the tape off and examine the bruises.

Thanks to everyone who pointed out that my choice of bagels, while low in sugar, was definitely not low in carbs. After reading a bit yesterday I realized that our family's diet, while consisting of a good portion of fruits and veggies, is still very high in carbs. Cutting out the sweets would be fairly easy for me. Cutting down on white bread and regular pasta would be challenging. My hat off to all you who live with diabetes and other illnesses that require close regulation of diet.

It's Official: I'm a Failure

I went in this morning to get my one hour glucose test out of the way. I had fasted 12 hours beforehand. I failed miserably. A result of 140 is the cutoff. My number was 154. Not astonishingly high but enough to fail me. I think my midwife is somewhat concerned about the number coupled with my weight gain, however, because she wants me to go ahead and do the three hour test tomorrow or Monday at the very latest. So I have an appointment to get up bright and early tomorrow morning and be at the lab at 7am. To say I am depressed at this point is putting it mildly. I should find out the results of tomorrow's test by Monday. I guess I'll go from there.

26w3d Part 2

Sometimes I write the most amazing blog posts in my head. But then when I sit down to the computer I forget 90% of it. Or so it seems.

I forgot to mention that I talked to the midwife about the pain I'm having on my left side. She probed a bit to find out if the pain went deeper than surface pain. She said the gall bladder is on that side so she would be worried if I had other symptoms to go along with the pain (like nausea or vomiting). Since I don't she said it was probably just the pain of the skin stretching. She said it could also be the baby kicking, as babies can actually give you internal bruising if they're positioned just right. Wonderful: she's not even born and she's already pushing me around!

The other thing is that I went to see a movie this afternoon: Children of Men. I'm a sucker for futuristic, apocalyptic, the world is going to hell in a handbasket type of movies. This one fit the bill nicely; wasn't a bad movie but not one to write much about. It would have been impossible to watch if I was still trying to get pregnant I think.

The funniest thing was that during some of the parts that were really loud, the baby would start kicking like crazy. I don't know if she was annoyed or excited by the sounds. But she was definitely making a contribution. You know, a contribution to an internal bruise somehwere.

26w3d

Had another midwife appointment today. I was holding my breath on my glucose urine test. Fortunately it was negative today, probably thanks to the bagel I had rather than cherrios and OJ. She gave me the paperwork for the 1 hour glucose test and I plan to do that tomorrow. I have tried to avoid sugar today and I won't eat anything for the next 12 hours.

One thing I was worried about was my weight gain. With this appointment, I have now gained 30#. The midwife didn't comment so before the appt was over I asked her if I should be concerned about it. She showed me a chart where they graph weight gain. Up until now I've been within the two lines of acceptable weight gain. This time I was above the upper limit. But she said she wasn't too concerned as many women have a "growth spurt" around this time and tend to level out. I'll be seeing her every two weeks from now on so she said she will be keeping an eye on it. A lot will hinge on the results of the glucose test as well.

Other than that, the visit was pretty routine. She was in the midst of a delivery so I had to go see her at the hospital which is right next to her office location. It was rather nice as I got to see the facility which just opened last year. I decided against taking the prenatal class there so I guess I probably won't get a formal tour of the facility. But I may see if my nurse friend that works there can get me in sometime so I'll know exactly what I'm in for.

Selling My Doppler

In the midst of my cleaning and decluttering I came across my fetal doppler. I used it some during those difficult early weeks of the second trimester but I haven't used it since December. My plan is to ebay it but I thought I'd offer it here to any of you who may be interested.

The unit I have is from StorkRadio and the details are here. The retail price of this thing is supposedly $300 but I'll sell it for what I paid for it on ebay which is $100 plus shipping. There's also a tube of gel included which is still almost full. This one has a digital display that calculates the heart-rate and it has a plug for earphones.

Drop me an email or comment if you're interested!

Much Ado About Nothing

The good news is that I was able to take a nice hot shower yesterday. We seemed to have fixed the hot water heater problem but my gut instinct is that little hands were not the problem in fiddling with the heater. I suspect the 13 year old appliance that is only supposed to last 8-10 years is probably on its way out. I'm really tempted to go ahead and replace it with a more energy efficient one. I'll probably put our tax refund to use for this. I did research yesterday and was really interested in the tankless models but soon decided that the installation costs would be too much of an unknown for this old house. So I'm going to stick with an old fashioned tank model. The government may start giving Energy Star ratings to heaters in the spring so hopefully ours will hold out till then.

I'm going to tell you something that will probably make you groan and roll your eyes: I finished my taxes last night. Okay, I'll qualify: I'm still waiting for a W2 form and I just finished filling out the paperwork to send to my tax planner. Last year she had my return done by the 15th of February and I had my refund a week later. I'm looking forward to the same scenario this year.

My hubby got a new position in his company recently. Same crappy schedules but he'll get paid more (not sure how much more). He also decided to take the plunge and put in his application with a start up airline based here in Columbus. That part scares and excites me at the same time. If he took a job there he'd be home every night at probably about the same pay as he gets now. But it's a start-up that may well fail within a year or two. The other thing that concerns me about his timing is if he leaves his current company before the baby comes. I worry about insurance problems and also about the timing of having him home at the right time. I guess time will tell!

26 Weeks

I made the mistake last night of surfing over to fertilityfriend.com and spending some time reading the pregnancy message boards. I found that by and large the posts fell into 3 categories:
1. Baby gear talk for first time parents. Along the lines of "what kind of diaper bag should I get". Fascinating discussions for first-timers but once you've got 3 diaper bags and 5 carriers (yes, okay I went a little overboard there) you should probably avoid those types of conversations.
2. Talk about all the bad stuff that can happen. Pre-term labor, preeclampsia, bed rest; you name, someone on the board had experienced it. Of course, I felt strangely compelled to read all those posts. I'm now re-evaluating all the various twinges and pains of my body.
3. General talk about pregnancy and new-baby issues. Topics from "how do you stay laying on your side all night" to "will you co-sleep". I found some of these threads informative from a purely comparative point of view.
All in all, probably not the best-spent hour of my life. I promise not to do it again. I remember with G that I avidly read and contributed to message boards. I don't remember the talk of bad stuff phasing me that much. I guess I thought I was invulnerable.

Speaking of twinges and pains, the pain on my left side is getting worse. Before it would only hurt at the end of the day and laying down at night brought relief. Now it hurts throughout the day and wakes me up at night hurting. I guess I'll have to bring it up at my midwife appointment this Thursday although I hold out little hope that she'll have any solutions. I'm going to pull out my nursing bras and see if any of those help.

Yesterday afternoon I called up J to ask him about something. He sounded a little weird. He told me about how, when he was driving to Detroit yesterday, he was passing a car when he hit a patch of ice and spun around several times and ended up in the median. He was damn lucky as he didn't hit anyone and the only damage done was a mud flap got torn off. I could tell it had shaken him.

Of course, after that my question paled in comparison but what I needed to know is if he had noticed a decrease in the quantity of hot water. Seems for the last few days my showers have been getting shorter and shorter. Yesterday by the time I finished washing my hair (the first thing I do) I had the knob all the way over to hot and there was only lukewarm water coming out. He had indeed noticed and advised that I call BIL. He came over and could find nothing wrong with it except that the dial that goes from HOT to VERY HOT was turned to its lowest setting. He turned it up some and so we'll see if maybe it's just a case of little hands touching what they shouldn't have been touching. Worst case is that we have to replace the hot water heater. Gotta love old houses. But it looks like this one is about 13 years old so I guess it's probably about due.

25w5d: Countdown is on

As of tomorrow, I will have 99 days to go. We're down to double digits. Reminds me of that song we used to sing on the bus on the way to track meets - "99 bottles of be.er on the wall". I feel compelled to confess that I still check the toilet paper every single time I wipe. I still find myself starting to worry if I can't seem to feel any movement at a certain moment.

I wrote a few weeks ago that my goal before the baby comes was to go through every room of my house and clean and declutter. I'm happy to report that I have accomplished that goal except for the nursery. Yup, I've decluttered every inch of this house and I can't tell you how good it feels. J and I have made numerous trips to drop off stuff at Goodwill. I also got rid of at least a half dozen bags of trash. I could probably stand to get rid of a few more of G's toys but I think I'll wait a while to make another pass at them.

Today I went into the nursery and decided to start tackling the diapers. I stood at the door for a few minutes and debated about whether I should really start the project now or wait. Because in the back of my mind is always that question about how I'm going to handle the situation if I lose the baby. What would make it easier. Would it be harder to handle with a nursery all ready to go? Or would it be harder to have to sort through all that stuff with no baby to show for it?

It makes me angry sometimes that infertility still hangs around to haunt me even though it's supposedly been conquered. I wish I could just relax and totally enjoy this pregnancy the way I did my first one. I wish that I had passed some milestone at which I miraculously relaxed.

I feel a lot of movement these days but the movement I notice most is when the baby has the hiccups. I remember with G that she seemed to have the hiccups after every single meal I ate. Everyone was skeptical that eating could cause the baby to get the hiccups but it happened time and time again. I haven't noticed that pattern with this one - the hiccups are more random but she seems to get them several times a day. Right now she is in a position (I think her head is actually down at this point) where I feel a slight pressure on my cervix with every hiccup and sometimes I feel a little foot kicking my lungs. It's kinda cute but at the same time annoying: I hate having the hiccups and sometimes I find myself holding my breath to see if she'll stop!

By the way, I did decide to go ahead and start working on the nursery. It was rather fun to get out the tiniest little cloth diapers that fit size 4 to 10 pounds. G outgrew that size within a matter of weeks (she weighed just over 7# at birth) so they all look very new and pristine. They are now organized in baskets waiting for a new little butt to cover!

Small Miracles

It doesn't take much to make a good day for me:
- I got out of the house for an hour. Granted it was just a trip to Kmart to buy toilet paper and such but still, I got out!
- The plumbers came and went today and left with only $439 of my money. Much, much less than the thousands I was afraid of when they started talking about sawing pipes and cutting up my floor.
- My babysitter called today and her kids are finally over all their illnesses. We were supposed to go last week Thursday. I am only just beginning to realize how important it is for me to get a real break every now and then. Of course, part of tomorrow will be spent cleaning up and out G's room. But at least I won't have someone asking me every 5 minutes "What are you doing Mommy?".
- I had a few sips of wine with dinner tonight. Not enough to make me feel anything but it sure did taste good!

Nap-Time

I am *so* glad that I have already finished the bulk of my cleaning and decluttering! The last few days I just can't seem to make it without a 2-3 hour afternoon nap. Today I tackled my bathroom and made it through all of about 3 shelves before I had to call it quits. I'm off to take my nap now. At this rate I don't know how I'm going to finish my upstairs before April!

25 Weeks

Sleeping has gotten more and more difficult the last few weeks. Or, should I say, getting comfortable is getting progressively more difficult. I have an area under my left breast that, by the end of the day, aches considerably. I've tried several different bras and one seems to make it slightly better but nothing alleviates it completely. When I lay down on my left side the area goes numb which is really annoying. I had the same problem with G and the diagnosis was just that it was my anatomy. Unfortunately this time it showed up earlier and is lasting longer.

I finally noticed the linea negra the other day. I hadn't noticed it before because I can only see it when I look in the mirror and my body image is such that I just don't have a desire to do that very often.

I am happy to report that I am making great progress in cleaning out the nursery. The biggest problem that had me paralyzed was what to do with all the clothes. Not only do I have G's outgrown clothes, but I have a fair amount of clothes for her in larger sizes that I pick up occasionally at garage sales and thrift stores. I would love to have the space and funds to be able to put them all in plastic boxes but I finally admitted that that just wasn't going to happen. So I opted for plastic trash bags. I have about 10 bags for the clothes up to 24 months sitting in the nursery. Looks tacky but we'll clear them out pretty quickly. The rest are in a closet in G's room our of sight.

Having gotten a handle on all those clothes, I'm now left with infant gear and lots of cloth diapers. Last night after having gotten all the clothes put away, I plopped down in the glider for a while and allowed myself to remember how it was rocking G there and imagine (just for a moment) what it would be like to rock another one there.

I'll post more pictures of the nursery in progress later. I'll also post a picture of the cloth diapers that fit newborns. They are so cute and it reminds me how quickly one forgets how small a baby is!

More Potty Talk

I said previously that I'm not a competitive person. So why then, when I read this entry on dooce where she mentions that Leta is still in diapers (Leta is just a few weeks older than G) did I feel this surge of triumph? Yes! Her child is still in diapers and mine is already potty training. Silly, but that's what I thought. Especially since Leta has done everything just a few weeks ahead of G all along (as it should be!).

Speaking of which, G is getting pretty good at the potty thing and she is slowly developing the ability to "hold" it. Tonight I noticed for the first time her doing a little dance and then she reached for her crotch. I asked if she needed to pee and her face brightened up and she yelled "Yes" as she ran off to the potty. Now we just have to work on the finer aspects such as pulling down one's pants and wiping.

Also speaking of toilets, we were watching a movie in the basement last Sunday when I started to hear an ominous dripping sound. We finally traced it to the pipe that leads from the downstairs toilet to the main sewer line. A flush of said toilet unleashed a torrent of water. The plumber came today and, amidst much shaking of his head, finally decided a course of action which involves ripping up lots of rotten wood in the bathroom and attempting to saw through a very, terribly corroded pipe at a critical juncture. If we're lucky the pipe won't crumble there. If we're not.... well, he didn't want to attempt an estimate of what that would entail; he just said we'd be talking a lot more money. Which reminds me that he left without giving us an estimate of what we'll pay if our luck holds. In the end we decided against putting the bathroom floor back together; we'll save that tiling or flooring project (and the associated expense) for another day. Which means that we'll have bare wood around the potty but at least we'll have a working potty and I won't be running up and down the stairs a dozen times a day.

24 Weeks

I was just reading my 23 Week entry to see what was happening last week. I seem to have suddenly developed this short-term memory loss situation; I can't remember diddly-squat these days. It's particularly bad when I forget what I'm talking about right in the middle of a sentence.

Well, not much new is happening. The baby is still very active. I'm still always very hungry. And I'm still potty-training G. The latter at least is going pretty well. Yesterday we even managed a poop in the potty although we missed that one today.

Sunday G got up from her nap and, in the midst of running around, said her ear hurt. I was apt to dismiss it: this child has *never* had an ear infection in her life. But it kept bugging me that she had said that, so we finally went to visit SIL to check it out. Sure enough, she has a very bad infection for which we are doing ear drops and antibiotics. I think it was particularly hurting her today. Poor kid. Poor mama that has to deal with Poor kid all day!

I have a fair number of May due-date blogs listed in my side bar. I'm not a competitive person by any stretch of the imagination but I am very comparative. I like to read and see what other people are experiencing. Some of the authors of the blogs have had no fertility problems. They write about things I probably would have written about my first time around. I like that perspective; it skips all the pain and heartache it took to get to this point.

Anyway, one of the things I've noticed of late is a tendency to start posting pictures of the budding nursery. I love looking at these rooms all full of brand new things just waiting for a new little being to use them. Well, I thought I should post some "before" pictures of our nursery, a.k.a. the Dumping Room. Right now it's the repository for all of G's outgrown clothes, infant toys, cloth diapers, and who knows what else?! Honestly, I probably won't get to bringing some order to this room till March or April. In the meantime, I've got to clean out the closets in G's room which contain more clothes. The whole clothes issue is becoming a big problem for me. I can't figure out a good way to organize and store them. Not only do I have outgrown clothing, but I've got a fair amount of clothes yet to be worn and I add to that as I find stuff at garage sales and resale. So I have to solve that problem before I can even think about bringing order to the chaos that is currently the nursery. Right now, to be honest, I'm looking forward to the day that I can start to get rid of some of this stuff!

A Tip (FWIW)

Here's something I recently started doing and I thought I'd share it in case it might benefit someone else. You'll probably think I'm crazy but here goes anyway!

We get fast food about once a week. Okay, sometimes twice but that's all I'm admitting to! We always go to the same place (Micky D's for G and Burger King for me) and we always get the same thing. And you know what? It always costs the same! A while back I was rolling up some of the myriad of loose change that seems to work its way into our house, while racking my brain for a better use for it. So now here's what I do: I have some ziplocs with the name of the fast food place and the cost of our "usual". Then I raid the change jar for exact change. Voila. Not only do I get rid of the change without going to the bank, but I feel like I'm getting a "free" meal since it doesn't come out of my pin money. And as if that wasn't enough, I don't have to explain to the guy at the window why I gave him $10.02 for a meal that cost $3.72.

Now here's the really sad part. The lady at the McD's window apparently knows me now: she no longer counts all the change. She just smiles and tells us to have a good day. Must start cooking at home more :-)

Our Legal System

I've not had much experience with the US judicial system, but the one experience I had was enough to sour me on it. Years ago, an acquaintance/friend finally brought charges against her abusive husband. I was summoned to appear for my testimony on a Friday for the following Monday. After 3 days of sitting around waiting, the trial finally ended without my testimony. That was 3 days of having to take vacation off of work and having absolutely no say in the matter. Didn't leave a good taste in my mouth.


Skip to 3 years ago when I rear ended a car in a turn lane with a green light. Let's just leave the story at that and say that technically I was at fault. And they sued a few months later. Almost 3 years later it is finally coming to trial. I received a letter a few days ago saying that the trial date had been set for 17 May. I emailed the lawyer to explain why I wouldn't possibly be sitting in a court room a few weeks after giving birth. So, to accommodate me, they've moved it up to 23 April. Great. I'll only be 38 weeks pregnant then. I'm sure I'll enjoy sitting for hours on end in a court room. I emailed again to explain the distinct possibility of labor or bed rest by that point but it didn't seem to phase the lawyer. He said just to keep in touch with him and he would plan on that date. As much as I would like to get out of it, the alternative is not much better as it will mean bringing an infant with me to court (since I plan to breastfeed and pumping didn't work well at all with G). Did I mention I don't care much for the legal system? Yes, I know there are worse alternatives but I sure wish this thing could have been worked out several years ago.

Computers and Doulas

I wrote a while back about my dead computer. I'm very happy to report that the local computer shop was able to move all my data onto my backup drive. The longer I was without it, the more I missed. Especially the other night when I was scanning an old tax return and I realized that I had scanned older ones previously and shred them but never burned the scans to CD. They were all more than 10 years old but still, how stupid can one be. So when I got my drive back tonight, the very first thing I did was burn those things to CD. I am in the process of making a backup of my laptop drive right now. The next step will be to clean up the backup data and burn lots of it to CD. Who exactly was it that said computers make your life easier?

I got a comment from someone a while back asking exactly what a doula is. I read the same question recently on another blog. So let me attempt an explanation for any interested parties. In short, a doula is someone who is experienced in helping women get through labor and delivery. They are trained in comfort measures as well as trained to know the commonplace explanations for all those medical terms you may hear in the delivery room. They may or may not have a medical background but they aren't there to give medical advice. Their role is to explain things to you so that you have a better basis for making decisions. Primarily though, they are there to suggest ways for you to cope with the pain of labor. I guess the best case for the use of a doula is someone who wants to go drug-free or minimal drugs and is not sure they can do it without some help.

I didn't use a doula with G. I had a midwife who was there for the whole labor (which is different than most doctors who will typically only show up when it's time to push) plus J, my SIL and a good friend. Even with all that help, looking back on it, another helping hand wouldn't have hurt in the slightest. Plus, my labor all of a sudden took off at rocket speed and I went from 3cm to fully dilated in the span of about 3 hours. The midwife was good but, for various reasons unique to the situation, she didn't really get in there and try to help me through it. J did his best as did SIL and friend but having someone there who had seen that situation before would have been invaluable. The end of the story was that I made it through but to this day I'm not sure how!

This time around I have a midwife again and my friend who was there the first time is now an experienced labor and delivery nurse. SIL will probably be there and I hope, hope, hope that J will also get to be there. But even with all those things going for me, I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to have a doula.

I would think that almost any laboring woman can benefit from having a doula there. I think the more help you can get the better! So I would say definitely consider it.

End of the Season

This afternoon I took down all the Christmas decorations and this evening I just finished up addressing all my newsletters. I love having the tree and the lights and decorations around the house but it always seems like such a relief when they're gone. I also took the opportunity to clean and declutter the living room, including quite a few nic-nacs. Getting rid of those was hard because I don't buy myself nic-nacs. Everything I have was given to me either by J or my Mom. While I enjoy looking at them I decided it was time to pare down. It looks so much better!

I'm happy to report that we're surviving potty training. Tonight G said "Can I go potty and get a lifesaver?". She gets a lifesaver as a reward whenever she goes. Must be working because she actually did pee and her undies were dry. There's hope for this kid!

23 Weeks; Tales from the Potty

23 Weeks and counting. The baby is kicking away and doing lots of flips and somersaults. Sometimes I would swear that she is placing her foot down in my cervix to see if she can get out yet. I've finally hit that stage where I just can't seem to get enough to eat. I'm trying really hard to eat well but what I really want is pure carbs and sugars; all the things that you should probably not load up on if you've got a potential glucose problem.

Overshadowing this pregnancy all along has been my dealings with my almost 3 year old. These past two weeks have been particularly hard for us for some reason. I'm chalking it up to a somewhat delayed holiday depression on my part. I keep telling myself that she'll be 3 soon and at some point these terrible days will be no more than a bad memory. In the meantime I lose a lot of sleep over trying to figure out how I'm going to survive until then.

I've been telling myself (and everyone else) that I would finally get around to G's potty training after the holidays were over. Since this past week has been incredibly hard for us for some reason, it may sound a little absurd that I decided Saturday night to top the week off by starting potty training on Sunday. But I did. I figured it couldn't get much worse. Surprisingly yesterday was pretty easy and we both lived to tell about it. We had 3 accidents but 8 successes. Granted, all but one of the successes occurred when I took her every 30 minutes and had her sit on the pot for a while. Yesterday morning I patiently explained to her that there were no more diapers so she was going to have to wear panties. She spent a few minutes begging for diapers but we looked all over and there just were none to be had (I had put them all away the night before). Then it seemed that she just sort of accepted it. I can tell that she gets exasperated with me for asking her every 10 minutes "do you need to go potty?" but, like I said, things are going well so far. We're a long ways from considering her truly "potty trained" but at least I can say that we're working on it.

If you'll excuse me now, there is some sugar or chocolate or something in the kitchen that is calling my name.....

22w3d Checkup

We got a clean bill of health with the midwife this morning. She didn't even say anything about my weight gain. So far I have gained about 22#. If I stick to a pound a week from here on out I should stay below the 40# I gained with G. I'm sure it won't be easy because I have finally hit that point where I feel hungry all the time. It's very hard not to snack, so today at the grocery store I bought lots of fruit to try and encourage myself.

The only minor issue that came up was that I showed some glucose in my urine. She didn't seem to worried about it, especially when I told her that I had had orange juice for breakfast. She said not to have any juice next time and see how that goes. It worries me a little since I borderline failed my one hour glucola test with G. So I am also going to try and be extra careful with the sugar intake from here on out.

I have an appt in another 4 weeks. After that I'll start going every 2 weeks. Is it almost time for that already?! The first trimester of this pregnancy seemed interminable. But now it seems as if things are going so fast! The midwife even talked to me today about possibly taking a childbirth education refresher course.

22w1d

After showering today I looked down and realized that my toes really needed some attention. As in, if I didn't cut my nails soon my shoes weren't going to fit. So I grabbed my tools and sat down to get to business. Let's just say that that is probably the last time I'll cut my own toenails for the next 4 months. I could barely reach my feet for the bulk of my belly and I had to stop between each toe and catch my breath.

My cousin saw me at Christmas and told me what a "cute little belly" I have. I told her I felt huge! She said I still looked small. Another friend told me the same thing. I finally got some vindication from another friend who saw me and immediately said "are you sure it's not twins?!".

So I guess I'll be looking around for a safe place to get a pedicure in a month or so. By then I may also have to pay someone to put my socks on in the morning. Better yet, I should start training G to do it for me!

22 Weeks

So far I have managed to survive both this pregnancy and the holidays. We had a nice time visiting family and friends but boy was I glad to get home. We stayed 9 days with my parents and 2 days with my best friend from college. The visit with my parents went well. My best friend from college, T, has 5 kids ranging from 4 to 12 and they are a loud, boisterous family. G seemed to enjoy herself but many times I could tell that she was overwhelmed. The night before we left, she asked if we could go home. I got a kick out of watching her because she would often go off by herself to play, which is exactly what I do in the context of a lot of noise and activity.

Our travel this time left much to be desired. I timed both flights to be in the afternoon during naps. She didn't nap on the plane either time. Going worked out okay. By the time we got off the flight coming home, though, I was about ready to push G off the plane and stay on it myself for the next destination. For a long time now (many months) I've attributed her behavior to just being a strong-willed child and hoped that it would get better with time. But on that flight there came a time when I realized that I no longer had control of the situation and, worse, she was acting in a way that, to a stranger, probably looked like she was a child with ADHD at the very least. It was not pretty. She bit me. She pulled my hair. And that's the least of it. It was so bad that we got in the car (J picked us up) and I let into him, telling him what a mistake it had been to ever have one, much less two, children. He didn't say much. After a sleepless night mulling it over I came to the conclusion that rather than expecting my child to suddenly wake up one morning as a little angel, I was going to have to crack down and get much more strict with her. So far it's working. Once today I caught her looking at me as if thinking, where did my permissive mother go and who is this alien in her place? I've figured out that watching movies holds a powerful sway over her as does the threat of taking away the binky. Believe me, I'm using both those things to my full advantage right now.

The baby seems to be doing well. I remember with G that I would feel a lot of kicks and pushes from little hands. This baby doesn't kick so much as turn somersaults. Sometimes I feel as if my stomach is going to pop in a given spot and I have to push back to get her to move to a more comfortable position. I have another midwife appointment this week and I'm not even going to think about how much Christmas weight I've put on.

All the blogs I'm catching up on seem to be listing their resolutions. I used to be the type of person to make very specific resolutions every year and actually follow through on them. Nowadays I stick with more generic stuff like getting rid of clutter and having a baby. Oh, and trying to get my Christmas/New Year's cards out. Speaking of which, I better go get started on those. Maybe I should just be an under-achiever and combine them with birth announcements....

All Ready to Go

I met with a doula today. She seemed nice and I definitely plan to use her. I live in a smallish town and am related to people that everyone seems to know. That can be good or bad. I had debated on telling her who I was related to because she very likely knows my in-laws. Anyway, we were talking about water labor and births and she related a story about the politics of water birthing at our local hospital. Long story but the short of it is that she has a not-so-good opinion of someone and she wouldn't say names but I'm pretty sure it's my SIL. Time will tell whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. It makes life interesting anyway.

I'm all packed and ready to head out to Houston tomorrow. I'm dreading the actual mechanics of getting both of us and our luggage to the airport and then to my folks' house. I always dread the trip and it always ends up being okay in the end. The only trip that wasn't was the one where I decided it would be a good idea to take the toddler carseat on the airplane. That proved disastrous at the point where G decided she wasn't going to walk and then I couldn't carry both her and the carseat. She's old enough now to stay in her seat and we rent a seat with the car. I also bought a portable DVD player a few trips ago and every time with that she settles in to watch a movie and then promptly falls asleep. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed and taking a good book.

I wasn't able to cram my jacket in the suitcase so hopefully my sweaters will be enough. Houston is forecast to have highs in the 50s and 60s while we're there which should feel downright balmy after the 30s and 40s here.

Thursday night we're accomplishing two very important goals at once: we're meeting up with old friends and getting a Tex-Mex fix at our favorite restaurant. J is flying down after work to spend a few days with us which will be a treat as he will be working starting Christmas day.

Time to go check my packing list one more time to make sure I haven't missed anything important!

20 Weeks: Halfway there!

Today marks the halfway point. Last night we had a gift exchange with my in-laws and the bottle of wine going around was too much to resist. Hello, my name is K and I had a few sips of wine while pregnant. But, given that it was a former OB doing the pouring and I didn't get any grief from my pediatrician sitting next to him, I enjoyed every sip I took!

I'm still not feeling much movement and that continues to bother me. At the ultrasound the baby was in a breech position and I think she stays there pretty consistently as most of the light kicks I feel are on the side where her feet were. And sometimes I feel her little head move on the other side.

Yesterday was my 38th birthday. J bought me a camera that I have been wanting, nay coveting, for quite some time now: a Canon Digital Rebel. Expensive as heck and much bulkier than point and shoot cameras but man is it sweet! The cool thing is that we have a film Canon with several lenses and those lenses fit the digital model as well. I can't wait to get the perfect Christmas shot of G with it!

Wednesday we start our trek across the country to visit the grandparents. G is very excited about it and I'm looking forward to the visit even if I'm not looking forward to the actual travel. The bad thing is that all three of us seem to be coming down with the crud. G has it today and I'm betting tomorrow it will be full-blown. Knock on wood, she's very good when she's sick; just a bit grumpy. So hopefully things will go okay. I remember traveling when I was pregnant with G and so many people went out of their way to be helpful. I'm counting on that this trip!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone.

19w3d Ultrasound Part 2

How to convey the sense of relief I feel right now?

The ultrasound appt went well. We met first with a genetic counselor who took a health history and asked about all our family. The most challenging part of the whole day was laying out the family trees as she wanted to know about all J's sibbling's children and also all our aunts and uncles.

Then we did the actual ultrasound and I can't really say how long it took - 20 to 30 minutes I'd say. The sonographer was very good and talked to us the whole way through. She didn't tell us actual measurements of things but after every measurement she took she'd tell us what she was measuring and then say something like "That's right on target for an almost-20 week old baby". The baby cooperated beautifully. Just a few minutes into the ultrasound the tech brought up the image of the open legs and immediately said it was a girl. A little while later she got an even better view and you could clearly see the three lines. My placenta is indeed in the front which is obstructing some feeling of movements.

After the ultrasound J and I went out of for lunch and we were acting like two giddy teenagers! We talked some about the baby but we talked about a wide range of topics. It's been a while since we've done that. Probably almost 2 years. It hit me at one point how much this whole issue of getting and staying pregnant was weighing us and our relationship down. It's almost like a huge weight has been lifted off both of us. I realized that, regardless of the outcome, we're going to be okay. I can admit now that there have been times lately when I've wondered.

I was running errands this afternoon and I had my first person ask me "So when are you due?". Followed by the inevitable "Do you know if it's a girl or a boy?". I told him it would be our second girl and he then asked what I'm sure will be an oft-repeated question: "Did you want a boy?". I can honestly say that I am thrilled beyond belief to know it's a girl. Of course, I would have been happy with a boy. But I think deep down I wanted a little sister for my daughter. Plus, what would I do with all these girl clothes I've been accumulating?!!!

I think I will sleep much better tonight. I haven't had a really good night's sleep in a week or so and I'm sure it's been the anticipation of today. Hopefully it's all downhill from here!

19w3d Ultrasound

The short story and some pics for now: Everything looked great and it's a girl!

19 Weeks

One of my humorous tickers said this morning: "Only 20 more weeks until Mommy can enjoy a margarita.... or five". Yeah, right on course. I remember joking with J before G was born that we should bring a bottle of wine to the hospital to celebrate. We didn't but I finally got a glass just a few days after G was born. Wine never tasted so good. This time I'm serious about bringing wine. Or at least something alcoholic. The sad part is that my wine stash is seriously depleted right now and can one reasonably buy several cases of wine with a big huge belly? So I'm dropping big hints to J as to what this year's gifts should be.

I've pretty much lost my belly button. There is no mistaking by anyone now that this is a pregnant belly. Being only barely halfway through, it scares me to think how big this one is going to be. With G, I hid my condition at work until I was more than 6 months along. No chance of that this time!

I will be turning 38 on Sunday. That's getting awfully close to 40. I don't feel almost 40. I thought almost-40-year-olds were supposed to feel really mature and able to handle anything. I suppose that's what my kids will think about me. If they only knew!

I am looking forward to the ultrasound on Thursday with an equal mix of anticipation and dread. I feel some movement but not as much as I would like to. I'm hoping they'll tell me it's just because of the location of my placenta.

Digital Musings

There are some professions that you just never quite get away from. You exist within that role 24 hours a day. Being a Mom comes to mind as one. Being a doctor is another. Countless times I've been with my BIL and SIL and seen them dealing with complete strangers who suddenly have need of medical advice because there's a doctor around. Believe it or not, being a computer professional is another. My speciality is programming internet applications. But as soon as people hear the word 'computer', all of a sudden I'm expected to be the master of all things computer and fix whatever problem has been bugging them lately. For those of you who are not very computer savvy, it's a bit like asking your dermatologist to diagnose the ringing in your ears. Fixing problems with the Windows operating system and associated applications is something that I can sometimes do under diress but definitely not something I enjoy.

Which is what made me groan especially loud last night when my desktop computer froze and won't boot past a blue screen of death now. There was a time in my life when I would have invested countless hours trying to diagnose and fix the problem. And there would have been more than a few swear words involved along the way. There was a time.... This is not the time. Hours and hours of uninterrupted computer time? Yeah, right. Fortunately I already have a laptop that can easily replace my desktop, although I will miss the convenience of being able to keep it upstairs and not have to tote it around. One of the applications I depend most upon is my financial tools and fortunately I had the foresight to have regularly backed up those files. I now have access to all my financial data with just a few days' gap on my laptop. Whew. I will definitely sleep better tonight. So now begins the painful process of getting all my most-used applications configured so that I can scan and print and stuff like that.

Now, being a computer professional, you'd think I would have meticulously kept data backups. Buzzzz.... Try again. I did back up my financial stuff because I think I would experience a complete nervous breakdown if I couldn't instantly pull up how much I spent at Target on the 12th of November in 1999. Seriously. I'm just that way. And I do have CD backups of all my pictures. Except the cute ones I had taken in the last few days. But what a pain in the butt to have to load all my backups onto the laptop and do I even have enough disk space to do that? So, lesson learned. I'm about to go consult Mr. Google right now about the best backup alternative. Once I buy something I plan to take it and the desktop to the local computer shop and pray that they can retrieve my data onto it.

This post has been provided as a cautionary tale. Everyone always tells you to back up and no one ever does it and then disaster inevitably strikes. Actually, I have been quite lucky: this is the first time that I have not been able to just transfer data from the old computer to the new one. But just a few months ago my Dad's disk croaked and he lost everything. If only I had learned from his experience. So please learn from mine!

18 Weeks

So here I am at 18 weeks. I've finally gotten all my maternity shirts out and washed. I have some non-maternity shirts that I can wear but most of them are too tight in the bust. I don't know what it is about maternity clothing but it really seems to accentuate the bump in front. I scored an awesome dress shirt at Goodwill the other day that will be perfect for holiday wearing. Last week I got a cheap black velvet maternity dress off of ebay but I don't know if I will end up wearing it or not. It depends on whether I'm able to find some maternity hose to go with it because I know there is no way in heck I could get on regular hose at this point!

At night I now sleep between 2 pillows. I am naturally a back sleeper so I learned with G to use pillows on either side; that way when I roll over I don't end up fully on my back. I also pulled out a stuffed animal (yes, I'm sleeping with a stuffed animal now!) that I bought with G that fits perfectly under my belly to make sleeping more comfortable.

I'm feeling the baby kick more now but only at night in bed or during the day when I sit quietly and feel for it.

Speaking of kicking, G kicked me very nicely in the belly today. Between those sorts of kicks and having to carry her around, it makes me amazed that any mom of a toddler can get through subsequent pregnancies. I still haven't told G about the baby but maybe she senses something because this week she started trying to relive her own baby-hood. She's always asking me to hold her sippy cup and feed her "like a baby" and today before naptime she wanted to sit in the chair and rock while she drank her milk. We haven't done that in ages and it made me as nostalgic as her for reliving old times. I'm beginning to understand why the baby of the family is just that - a baby. I anticipate that I will do everything I can to prolong every phase that the new baby goes through because I know it will be the last time for me to experience all of that.

J is gone again for an extended time. I probably won't see him for at least a week, maybe more. So I've already booked with the sitter for a "day off" this week. Next week: the big ultrasound. I received all the paperwork the other day and it was rather daunting to read it all. Depending on the outcome of the ultrasound, they can do an amnio right then and there if I choose. I truly hope I won't have to make that decision. I also hope that J will end up being in town because the only thing worse than having to make that decision would be to have to make it alone.

4 Months

There have been a number of people who ask me how far along I am and when I tell them the number of weeks, they immediately start converting it into months. Fortunately for my mathematical sanity, there are approximately 9 months between the beginning of August and the end of May. So it's pretty easy for me to approximate months, especially when I can't remember exactly the number of weeks I currently am. So at the end of November I completed four months of pregnancy. What's that phrase I so often bandy about? Oh yeah: I can't believe I made it this far. I'm almost halfway done. And only 12 more days until the definitive ultrasound. 4 Months. 5 to go.

17w1d

At Thanksgiving dinner, a friend's mother came up to congratulate me on my good news. I said thank you but before I could even really think about it, I tempered it with "hopefully it will all work out". Being the wonderful woman that she is, she just smiled and said she hoped so too. I was thinking about the episode later, wondering at what point I will be able to accept that next May we might just be adding another child to our family. I kept thinking that if I got through the first few weeks without spotting, I would feel okay. Then I thought if I made it past the point of my first m/c I would feel okay. Then I thought I would feel better after my first midwife appointment. What I realized, in thinking about all this, is that, even at all those milestones, there was no great and sudden shift in the universe to make me all of a sudden say that things are okay. I think it has as much to do with reading others' stories of late losses and problems at birth than with my own m/c experiences. In that respect at least, the internet is probably hampering more than helping me. And yet, I wouldn't for the world trade the community of support I have found here.

In the end I've decided that the high-level ultrasound must be the deciding factor for me. I find myself looking forward to it with a mixture of dread and longing. But I've decided that if a specialist takes a look and can find nothing outwardly wrong with my baby, then I must accept that things are going to be okay. I'm going into it with this attitude and by golly I hope to come out of it with the same attitude!

Speaking of the ultrasound, I've moved it back a week. It was scheduled for the 6th at 8:30 in the morning which is on the early side for my household! Plus J informed me he would be out of town on an errand and my babysitter can't take G that early. So I called today and they were able to reschedule for 10:30 on the 14th. J will be home and we can leave G at the sitter's if we choose. Or we may take her with us. I will also be closer to 20 weeks at that point (19w3d) which will be better for them seeing more.

17 Weeks

I had another midwife appointment today and all was well. A couple of things surprised me actually.

First off, I discovered that I have only gained 3 pounds since the last visit 4 weeks ago, which is well within the average of a pound a week during the second trimester. My total weight gain so far has only been 8 pounds. I'm happy with that. I still wish I had lost more prior to getting pregnant but I'll have plenty of time to worry about that later!

The second thing that surprised me was finding out how large my uterus is. At this point, it's just below my belly button. I don't know why but I thought it was far smaller. So now that I know that, I realize that I have been feeling quite a bit of movement (I dismissed most of what I was feeling because it was much higher up than I thought my uterus was).

The midwife talked to me about screening tests at this point, namely the AFP blood test. She said, given my age, it would very likely come back positive, since age is a factor in the equation for the test. She said if it did come back positive, the course of action would be a higher level ultrasound and possibly an amnio. I decided I didn't want to fool with the blood test since the results would be essentially meaningless. But I liked the idea of going straight for a high level ultrasound. These are done at the University hospital downtown and includes a consult with a perinatologist for the results. I opted for this route because I think (hope!) it will give me much more peace of mind to have someone looking at things who is more highly trained to spot problems. I can't honestly say at this point if I would do an amnio. I'm taking this one step at a time. Anyway, that is scheduled for 6 December, which is next week Wednesday when I will be 18 weeks.

That's about all I have to report. The visit was very boring and consisted mostly of discussions of what we did for Thanksgiving and what our Christmas plans are. Hopefully all my visits will be that inane!

16 Weeks

Yesterday I sat down to write a post and realized that I couldn't think of anything to say that wasn't negative! J was gone for 11 days straight (5 on the job and 6 days on another project) and it was so much harder than I anticipated to be a single parent. I've learned lessons for any future occurrences of long absences, namely that I will schedule more time with the babysitter next time.

Pregnancy-wise, there is really not much to report. I have been feeling some movement for a week or so now. I still feel yucky most evenings and sometimes during the day. I'm not sure exactly how much weight I've gained but the scale was a little scary this morning as I haven't stepped on it in a while. I had hoped to keep my weight down this time around but I'm not sure that's going to happen. I don't feel like I'm eating a lot more but what I do eat is more calorie and carb-laden and I'm sure that's the cause of the pounds going on. I've had a lot of trouble sleeping at night but I suspect that has more to do with J's absence than the pregnancy. My next midwife appointment is next Monday and hopefully we'll schedule the "big" ultrasound then. I am going to push for sooner rather than later; I need to get it over and get the news that the baby is just fine and healthy.

While J was gone I got this notion that I needed a nice comfy chair for my bedroom. We don't have anything in the way of a chair in there so my reading and computer up there is all done on the bed. I've been wishing for something for a while now but the last few days I started to picture what I wanted. So last night I drug John to the Lazyboy store and spent $500 on the "best selling recliner in America". It's very soft and comfy and it rocks. J and a friend are picking it up for me today. I'll leave you with a funny story from the outing:

While we were in the chair store, G was running around having a grand time. We were the only ones in there (this is a great time of the year to shop apparently!). While I was paying, G ran up to J and announced in her loudest, most theatrical voice "I WENT POO-POO". Of course everyone in the store heard and smiled. So out to the car we went where I remembered that I had not one single diaper with me. Earlier that day we had taken a load of stuff to Goodwill and I took everything out of the car, including the diaper bag, but we had forgotten to put it back. Normally I carry an emergency diaper in my purse but I forgot to replace it from the last "emergency". So there we were, diaperless, with a toddler complaining that she was stinky. I knew there was a Target nearby and I normally use their brand of diapers so we decided to run in there. But we missed the turn. By this time G had decided she also needed more milk NOW and her cup was empty. So we drove to the next exit and I said surely there would be a drugstore there. Nope. Not a single one. So we finally ended up at a gas station where I paid $4.50 for 13 diapers (I normally pay $10 for 80 diapers!). But we had diapers and milk. So I went to change her. No poop. The diaper was barely wet. G was smiling this big smile. I'm pretty sure she knew the trouble she had caused. It turned out to be a good thing because after dinner we went to another store where she again loudly announced "I WENT POO-POO" and this time there was absolutely no argument that she had - the smell was potent.

Moral of the story: always replace your emergency diaper!

15 Weeks

Saturday night I was thinking to myself: I've been feeling pretty good lately, almost like my old self. I haven't felt nauseous or sick in several days! So don't you know that I got up Sunday feeling okay but shortly after breakfast I started feeling pretty bad. By the afternoon I was back to that pukey state. I don't think it was anything I ate but maybe that's a better explanation than "morning sickness" all over again. Today is going good so far but there's still a long ways to go in it.

My next midwife appt is two weeks from today. I'm starting to look forward to the "big" ultrasound. I'd like to know what sex the baby is. But I'm also hoping for some reassurance that there's nothing visibly wrong with the baby. I have never been able to shake the feeling that something might be chromosomally wrong with the baby and it just seems to get stronger as time goes on. I haven't really told anyone my fears because I know they'll be dismissed as my being.... I don't know - just a worry-wart I guess. But the fears are there and they keep me up at night. I have even done some research on amnios but I think in the end I would be too afraid to do it even though the m/c risks are pretty low. But I guess it depends on the outcome of the ultrasound. I hope to get that done the first week or two of December.

In other news, some demon possessed me last night and convinced me that G's hair needed another trim in the back. So I did that with decent results. Then I decided to trim her bangs. They looked okay right then but I was looking at them this morning and all I can say is that the demon possessed me and did a terrible job. And the worst thing is that I got them so short that, to even them up would require that there be pretty much nothing left of them. Note to self: never cut hair in that pukey state.

Vacation Anyone?

I've always worked at places where taking vacation is no big deal. Some places there was so much to do that more than a day of vacation at a time was out of the question. Other places you simply let it be known that you would be off on certain dates and as long as it didn't interfere with projects, it was okay.

Enter my rude introduction to the airline world, where schedules are apparently made months, nay, years in advance. Never mind that the company can't give us next month's schedule before the 20th of the previous month; they want us to know exactly when we're going to want to vacate a year in advance. In November of each month J gets his "vacation bid pack" which is required to be turned in by November 20th. We're supposed to fill out 3 choices for each week of vacation (he's up to 3 weeks now, thank goodness!). It seems to have become a tradition to take a ski vacation in February so that's one week accounted for. There is always much debate over the remaining two weeks. He always requests Christmas week but never gets it.

Of course, the conversation this year had to include what may or may not happen around the first of May. All along I've fought to keep myself from looking too far into the future; from anticipating too strongly what might happen. But the stupid vacation bid pack forced my hand. So we had to discuss in great detail when I am due (7 May), when I think it most likely to happen (Gracie was a week early so I'm betting more like 1 May), and when I need J there.

When G was born, it worked out beautifully. He got home one evening from a trip and she was born about 24 hours later. I think the trip he came off of was a 3 day trip and both nights he spent in Canada where his cell phone doesn't work. I realized later that I had no idea how to get ahold of him had I needed to. He ended up being off for almost 2 weeks after G was born. I asked him if he could be off more like 4 weeks this time and he just looked at me.

So I've officially started thinking about what life might be like when this baby arrives. It's scary. I don't think it was this scary with G because I had no idea what I was in for. Now I'm anticipating the sleep deprivation, the depression, the sore boobs.... all of that magnified by having to care for a toddler at the same time. So the question that keeps bouncing around in my head right now: WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?

14 Weeks: Plump or Pregnant?

I have a page with some pregnancy tickers from various sites, including a humorous one from baby-gaga.net that today says "Just plump or pregnant? Other people are noticing and deciding whether to ask my Mommy this risky question". As far as I know there is still a baby in there but all I really feel is plump. Very plump. Still feeling a bit yucky in the evenings. The boobs, though.... the boobs are getting me. Over the last week or two I have occasionally felt the tingling sensation that always used to accompany milk let-down when I was nursing G. The first time it caught me really off-guard until I remembered that I had felt it before. The other night we went out to dinner and across the restaurant I saw a couple with a crying newborn. I was listening to the conversation and not really even thinking about the baby when all of a sudden I realized that things were getting tingly. It scared me because I fully expected to look down and see two wet spots on my shirt. I had a terrible problem for about the first six months with leaking, although never before I gave birth. I haven't leaked anything yet but I started carrying pads around just in case. I guess part of the reason it scares me is that I now know that if something happened at this point I'd have to deal with milk coming in which was never a problem with my other m/c.

Other than that, I'm starting to get my energy back and I no longer have to deal with real nausea. I can eat pretty much anything now although I am particularly partial to the hot and spicy stuff. I won't say I crave it but I tend towards it. I still don't feel like I've really connected with this little one. I still check the TP every single time but I think I'm not quite as sure I'm going to see something. I haven't touched my handheld doppler in several weeks.

In other news, J went to the dentist this morning and, being the juvenile that he can sometimes be, I had to go with him. Which is fine because everyone there loves seeing G and is always disappointed if one of us comes alone. This time she took much more of an interest in the cleaning and afterwards she sat in the chair and the dentist looked at her teeth. Of course, we then had the dreaded "it's time for the binky to go" conversation. Although he did say her bite was a little worse than would normally be caused by periodic binky use. He said she may end up with braces no matter what but we should still say goodbye to the binky. She can usually only have it in the car and at sleep times. So we "lost" it on the way out to the car and she had a good cry all the way home about that. J wanted me to immediately go cold turkey on it but I said absolutely not. I'm leaving her tomorrow for the day with a new babysitter and I refuse to try that without a binky! So we'll start on Wednesday. Life is about to get much harder for a while. Hopefully cheaper in the long-run (sans braces) but much, much harder on me.

13w3d

I'm finally getting over my cold/sinus. I broke down the other night and took a Tylenol. With G, I never took any medication (Tums doesn't count, does it?!). I feel like this poor kid is already getting second best treatment. You always hear stories of parents who coddle the first child, sanitizing the binky if it so much as touches the floor; then the second child gets the binky if it falls within the 5 or 10 second rule. I know that's going to be me. Although I was fairly laid back with G as far as things like that, I was just as uptight about sleep with her. Early on I got her in a routine and woe to the person that got in the way of that. I know it's going to be much harder to balance a toddler and an infant, so life should be interesting.

G had a great time with Halloween. She quickly got into the concept of ringing doorbells and saying "trick or treat", although she still doesn't understand why, when someone opened the door, she couldn't go in the house! I think she also didn't really "get" that the stuff in her pumpkin was candy. When she got home I let her eat a small thing of M&Ms and then sorted out the rest of the stuff, thinking to keep some for when she asked for it later. She has been happily playing with the pumpkin since then but has never asked for the candy. So this year J and I get the loot all to ourselves! I'm sure next year she'll be wiser.

13w1d

I forgot to say in yesterday's post that I really like the midwife. I had some reservations going into it but they were quickly dispelled. She came across as very competent and confident. She seems like the type that will be very reassuring but will tell things the way they are with no beating around the bush.

I feel somewhat better today from my cold/sinus. It always holds true for me when I get this type of thing that the better I get to feeling, the worse I sound. And of course, I have 10 people on my list that I have been needing to make phone calls to about various things and I really wanted to get that knocked out today. I made a couple of the most pressing calls but it was frustrating for both parties as I really have no voice to speak of (pun intended). One of the calls on my list is to follow up with my insurance company about their investigations into payment of my HSG. If you remember the saga, my OB's office billed it incorrectly (I'm pretty sure) resulting in the claim being denied by the insurance company. I finally was able to find someone at the insurance company who sent my paperwork in for review by some in-house committee. Since I've heard nothing back from it, I don't hold a whole lot of hope of them finding in my favor. In the meantime I am paying the almost $1000 bill in $25/month installments! At some point I'll get tired of the monthly bills and just pay the darn thing off but maybe in the meantime my account will get marked as paid or something; never hurts to hope. The fire is under me to follow up with the insurance company because J's employer is switching providers at the beginning of the year so I want to have an answer before they do that. The switch should prove interesting as far as the pregnancy care goes. With G, the midwife's office didn't bill until after the birth for any of my prenatal visits or ultrasounds. With both my m/c, I didn't get billed until well after the fact. So I will have to have this midwife's office do some fancy footwork and hopefully it won't be a problem.

I'm not big into Halloween. Yesterday we told G we'd be going trick-or-treating today. She has absolutely no clue what this activity involves but she can't stop talking about it. She doesn't even know that it involves candy or dressing up!

13 Weeks

Nausea: check
Weight gain: check
Big boobs: check
Feeling fat: check

Yup, I still get to feeling yucky in the evenings. But I think each day it gets a little easier.

I had my first appointment with the midwife today. It's a pretty low-tech operation; she doesn't have a nurse assisting or anything. So when you come in, they hand you your chart and you go in the back and record your weight and the results of your urine's protein and glucose check. I was there for almost an hour and a half. First I filled out all the requisite paperwork. Then I met with the midwife to go over my health history. Then she did a physical exam and pap smear. Oh joy. She told me that my cervix "wanted to bleed" and that I would most likely see some spotting from that but not to worry. I have seen a bit since then and am very proud of myself for not freaking out about it. She also listened for the heartbeat and found it as soon as she put the monitor on my belly. It was ranging about 160 beats per minute.

My folks have been visiting since last Wednesday and, between that and catching G's cold, I've not been at my best. But I'm on the down-side of the cold and my folks leave tomorrow, so hopefully things will get better.

12w2d: Expecting

The other day I got a craving for a pasta dish I used to make a lot. It's a very simple concoction of pasta, tomatoes, olives, and spinach. And my favorite part: crushed red pepper flakes. J has never really liked the dish because he says I always overdo the red pepper. So I made it night before last. I put in all the ingredients, including the red pepper. I stirred it up and decided it looked like it needed just a dash more red peppers. Well, my hand must have slipped or something because that's by far the hottest I've ever made it. But it wasn't too hot to eat and I was really craving it, so I ate it. Boy was that a bad idea. I paid for that all night long. Tums didn't even touch my heartburn. Not being one to really learn from my mistakes, I decided the dish would be good for lunch today. I swear I did not put that many red peppers in it. But hello heartburn. I feel condemned to spend the next 6 months eating bland food, which is a heavy sentence indeed to someone who once ate Tex-Mex for every meal straight for a week, mostly for the hot sauce.

So now I'm sitting here with a nauseas stomach and heartburn and my folks are due to arrive in about an hour. And I've volunteered to have supper ready. File that under the "What was I thinking" category. The good news is that they'll be here a little less than a week and we eat most meals out with them here. So no more cooking for me for a while.

Subject change....
I was in the dressing room at the Y this morning and I overheard a young girl ask an obviously pregnant woman "Are you going to have a baby?". That made me stop and think. What would I answer if she had asked me? Something along the lines of... well, I'm pregnant but I don't know for sure that I'm actually going to have a baby. And then, for some reason, I brought to mind the term that my folks tend to use: expecting. All of a sudden I saw that term in a whole different light and realized how apt it is. I'm expecting a baby. So much hope and expectations beneath the surface. I don't know how it will all play out. But right now I'm expecting. Trying to expect good things. Trying to anticipate the best. But not really knowing.

I'm expecting.

12 Weeks

On the home front, we had a wonderful time on our anniversary trip. J ended up getting off of work a little early so we were able to spend time together Friday night. Our trip to Cincinnati was very relaxing and refreshing. We found the motorcycle shop and got J outfitted from head to toe! He was so excited that he honestly couldn't sleep Saturday night. He is out today looking at a motorcycle to buy that I fully expect he will bring home. The insurance cost caught me a bit by surprise though. $150 a year to insure him. As with most things in our budget, it's not a huge amount but conspires with everything else to add up after a while. I came home to the hugest hug I've ever gotten from G although I found out that the runny nose she had Friday night turned into a full-blown cold over the weekend. But my friend said it didn't slow her down a bit except to wipe her nose every now and then. She had a lot of fun but I think she was glad to see me.

On the baby front, I'm hanging in there. I actually haven't had time recently to try my doppler although I hope to tonight. Most evenings I still have a bit of nausea although it's manageable and I'm able to eat a wider range of foods now. I almost hesitate to write this but this is the place where I deal with my feelings so here goes: Over the recent weeks I've gotten rather pessimistic about this pregnancy. I thought my feelings would turn more optimistic over time but they haven't. I just can't get into the mind-set that this pregnancy is going to work out. I don't feel any of the things I did with G. I don't feel like I am carrying around a new little life. I just feel like I'm getting fat. It's hard to explain really. Sometimes I am really convinced that there's something wrong with the baby and that sooner or later we are going to find it out. Until then, I feel like I'm just biding my time. Sometimes I even catch myself making mental plans about what I'm going to do after all this is over and it's down to the three of this. I suspect that these feelings are related to my lurking depression. Some might be tempted to tell me to just shrug them off, think positively. But it just doesn't work that way. All I feel like I can do right now is try to get through with the least impact on those around me. That's where I am at this moment. I hope it changes for the better and soon!

I have to get on to my next task which is wrapping Christmas gifts. There's probably something fundamentally wrong about wrapping Christmas gifts in October. Even if it is cold outside and snow was flurrying this morning. But my folks are coming in tomorrow and I need to have all this stuff ready to send back with them. Ho Ho Ho!

11w4d: Free!

I feel a certain amount of guilt when I say that I am free for the next 48 hours. My good friend just came and left with my daughter. No matter how much I love my daughter, I have to admit that the prospect of 48 hours without her makes me ecstatic. Of course I will miss her smile and her laugh and her witty conversation. On the flip side... no diapers, no whining, no spanking, no Barney. Perhaps not the fairest of trades but I'm muddling through. J and I are supposed to leave bright and early tomorrow morning to head for a nearby city. He doesn't know this but I plan to take him to a motorcycle apparal shop and let him shop to his heart's content. I hope he finds something because that's my anniversary gift. You'd think 10 years would warrant a more exciting present but that's the best I could come up with. At the moment, however, his flight is delayed and it's looking more and more like he might not be able to get home tonight. The best laid plans.... At any rate, we'll end up at a swank hotel tomorrow night (hopefully) and revel in being childless once more. Until we start to miss it and decide to come home!

11w1d: Doubts Creep In

Confession: my last ultrasound coasted me for a mere 8 days. I probably won't have another one for several months. How in the world will I cope? You see, today was a pretty good day. I took my portion of lunch and split it in half. I ate one half for lunch and then the other half a few hours later. I haven't felt sick all day. I felt up to skipping my nap today and doing the grocery shopping instead. Then I came home and cooked dinner. Yes, I actually cooked for the first time in two months. I feel fairly certain I'll be able to make it till at least 9:30 tonight before crashing. That's what I'm shooting for anyway. So all this good karma has gotten me focused, of course, on why things are so good at the moment. You know, I don't think getting out of the first trimester is going to do anything at all for my mental state. Making it to 9 months..... maybe.

11 Weeks

Okay, I'll admit it: every time I roll over to a new "week" I think "gee, I didn't think I'd make it this far". Every day that passes makes me just a little more secure in the pregnancy. But I'd be lying if I said I never went to the bathroom expecting blood or if I said that I can look into next year and imagine actually having a baby.

Biggest news: I'm done with my progesterone! One night last week I was getting ready for bed and something kept nagging me; I kept thinking there was something important that I'd forgotten to do. Just as I was climbing into bed I realized that I had forgotten to do the progesterone. I will so not miss doing that. I am proud to say that not once did I drop one of those little 1/4" round balls into the toilet.

I'm too big for my regular clothes but none of my maternity pants really fit. I was lucky enough to find a pair of pants in the juniors department at Target the other day that actually fits. And I think they will continue to fit throughout the pregnancy. Unfortunately they only had one color that I was interested in. I've gained about 5 pounds so far which is rather more than I had wanted. With G I gained almost 40# total and I had hoped to keep it closer to 30 this time. We'll see. Over the course of the last few weeks my boobs have gone from barely filling an A cup to comfortably fitting in a C! I've never minded being flat-chested so actually having to wear a bra is not exactly a comfortable feeling for me.

Last night I found the baby's heartbeat for a few seconds with the doppler. Can't tell you how good that sounded.

I finally was able to get an appointment with the midwife but not until 13 weeks. I had to work around J's schedule so that I don't have to take G to that first appointment. One of the things I like about their office is that they have a separate play-room for kids so I shouldn't have to work around anything for future appointments. But I figure the first one will take longer with paperwork and such.

The worst of my nausea is gone (knock on wood). Now, usually in the late afternoons through the early evening, I just feel like I have a yucky stomach. It's still hard for me to find things to eat though. And I got so out of the habit of cooking the last 6 weeks or so that it's going to take some doing to get back into it.

Next week is my and J's 10th wedding anniversary! This weekend my good friend is taking G starting Friday night through Sunday! We are looking forward to going out on the town and remembering what life was like before having a child.

10w3d

Shhhh!! Don't tell anyone: I didn't feel sick at all today. In fact, this evening I've eaten four bowls of the soup I cooked for supper. I just can't seem to get enough. I'm not holding my breath that this trend will continue but it sure was nice for a day.

10w1d

Yes, I did mean in my last post to type 32mm for the baby's length. Chalk it up to pregnancy brain.

I went shopping today. I was out for about 4 hours. I am so tired I can hardly think straight. I didn't know it was possible to be this tired. The good news is that I haven't been bothered by nausea today.

10 Week Ultrasound

Great report from the ultrasound today. Baby is measuring almost 32 cm which is 10w1d according to this table. On the machine you could clearly see the baby's fingers and toes. But of course none of the printed pictures came out that well. This is the best one; the baby is looking straight on into the camera as it were. You can see the fingers on the right hand and you can just make out the left hand. The baby's legs are bent and look more like several little blobs. The baby was moving around quite a bit.




I wish I could say that I feel totally at ease now; totally accepting of this pregnancy. That would be a lie though. But I do feel better, mentally and physically at this moment. Next step: schedule the midwife appointment.

10 Weeks

I wish I could say that my nausea just kept getting better and better until it is all gone now. I really wish I could say that. The truth is something closer to this: I have good days and not-so-good days but I haven't had any more really bad days (knock on wood). I still feel nauseous off and on throughout the day, usually when I get hungry. And that seems to be constantly these days. My problem lately has been finding things I want to eat. I seem to crave mostly carbs, which seems to be a common theme amongst people around this time. Last night I got hungry for fried rice. I told my darling hubby this just as he was crawling into bed after a shower. He didn't even grumble all that much as he put his clothes back on to go get me some. He's definitely a keeper.

The fatigue is also still with me. I can't remember with G if that gets better or not. I have to have an afternoon nap every day and even then I'm ready for bed by 9. I'm sleeping a little better at night; not waking up quite as much.

Of course, I'm very nervous about the ultrasound today. This will be my last one till the normal 18-20 week one. I've considered long and hard the last week or so whether to have the nuchal fold ultrasound test done. That's the one that can determine with a fair degree of accuracy your risk for the baby having Down's or some other chromosomal problem. The key word there is "risk". I already have a higher than average risk given my age. On the one hand, I'm not necessarily going to terminate a pregnancy if there's a problem. On the other hand, it might be nice to know there's a problem to be prepared. In the end I decided against it mainly because I already know I have a higher than normal risk and I don't necessarily need to be reminded of that. The test was not even a consideration with G; I'm not sure why I'm fixating on it so much this time around. I seriously doubt whether my midwife even has it as an option. So there. Decision made!

Things have been somewhat stressful around here of late and my reaction to stress is usually depression. More so than normal (for me anyway). J has been wonderful but even he doesn't really understand. So the other thing I'm stressing over right now is whether or not to get some professional help. G has already developed a pattern of dealing with anger that is directly from me and one that I'd rather she hadn't picked up. I'm so afraid that prolonged exposure to my illness will seriously affect her. But I know that what I experience is not bad enough to expose my other child to drugs at this point and drugs won't be an option for a long time as I intend to breastfeed as long as possible. So I'm stuck in a quandary. Quagmire. I always did like that word.

Tomorrow morning I'm getting up bright and early to go get my Christmas shopping done. Yes, I'm always this insanely prepared and yes, I usually start this early. Actually, I'm feeling a little behind this year. My folks are coming to visit in a few weeks and I always like to have all the gifts bought for my family down there so I can just send them with my folks and save shipping costs. Not that it's really a huge issue as I mostly seem to buy gift cards anymore. But I have to at least go looking. I told J I'd definitely be back by naptime because I'll probably be completely and totally exhausted by then!

9w3d: Nausea continues to abate!

Another day where I'm feeling closer and closer to normal. I was just looking back over my posts and the nausea started a little over 5 weeks. I can't believe I've dealt with it for almost a month! No wonder I feel like I'm coming out of a tunnel. But, of course, the disappearance of symptoms scares the crap out of me. Or, maybe I should say it scares the hell out of me because not a whole lot is helping in the crap department (sorry, that was a bit crass....). I've done some reading though and it seems that constipation is mainly the culprit of increased progesterone relaxing the digestive trac (amongst other things). So I'm hoping that stopping the supplements in a little over a week will help. And, of course, the ultrasound is on Monday and that will help in the mental department.

For the first time in weeks, I can actually see the floor of my office now that all the toys are picked up. In addition to a food aversion, I seem to have had a scrapbook aversion these last few weeks so I'm hoping I can get inspired soon to catch up on a few projects. Cleaning up the kitchen is the next task on the list but it's going to have to wait until after my nap!

9w2d

Another semi-good day. Nausea is still there but is manegable. In a wild fit of .... something.... last week I bought a doppler off of ebay. I haven't tried it yet as the heartbeat can't usually be heard until 10 weeks at the very earliest. I'll probably try it after the ultrasound next Monday.

In other news, my hubby seems to be having another midlife crisis. I say "another" because, well, he's already got the convertible, airplane, and he's already made the midlife career change. Last week someone let him ride their motorbike. He got up Monday morning early and went to get his learner's permit. Said person has loaned him the motorbike to learn on. I'm sure it won't be long till we posses one. I suppose there's worse things....

9w1d: Secret

Shhhh! Don't tell anyone!!

I felt almost normal today.

I'm afraid to say that too loud lest the gods of nausea strike me double tomorrow. Don't get me wrong: I still felt sick, just a little less so than normal. The only difference was that this morning J took me out for pancakes and bacon. Usually I end up leaving about half the pancakes. Today I cleaned my plate plus some of G's and all my bacon. I was full but I wouldn't call it stuffed. If the nausea comes back tomorrow, you can bet the next day I'll be at the local diner stocking up on pancakes and bacon again! Or maybe it was having an impromptu lunch in the park with a good friend in beautiful weather. I don't know. All I know is by the afternoon I was remembering what it was like to feel human again. I even had J take us out for ice cream tonight. And to top it all off, G was having one of her "days", complete with about half a dozen temper tantrums. And I felt almost normal. Scary stuff.

6 more days until my next ultrasound!

9 weeks

Every time I complete a week, I feel like saying "I can't believe I made it this far"! When I turned my calendar from August to September, it was with much trepidation that I wrote in each of the weeks in September. I'd be lying if I said there was no hesitation in writing the weeks in October. But it was so nice to look at all the milestones that I will (hopefully) make this month:

• I have my last ultrasound next Monday
• I get to stop the progesterone on the 15th. That will see me to the end of the 10th week, by which time the placenta should be fully functioning
• By the end of the month I will officially be out of the first trimester

Last week I went through the closet containing all my maternity and nursing clothes. Funny thing, I didn't remember having quite that many! I think I picked up a few pairs of pants in the last 2 years. I got out all the pants and washed them. I'll probably start wearing them this week.

I almost don't want to say this but I think the nausea is just one notch slightly better in the last few days. Not gone by any stretch of the imagination but life seems more bearable the last few days. Several times J has been on the point of criticizing my diet of late but he stops short when I tell him to start cooking! Poor G has eaten very little besides chicken nuggets and mac & cheese for the last couple of weeks. One night she said she wanted spagetti so I opened a can of spagettios. As for me, I can tolerate baked potatoes and salads (Wendys!) and at night I can stomach instant mashed potatoes. Before bed at night I've been eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwhich and that sits pretty well and gets me through the night. Yes folks, that's been my diet the last week or more. One night last week we went out with some friends and I had pizza but the heartburn from the tomato sauce was so bad I've decided to never eat tomato sauce again ;-> When all else fails I can usually keep down jello and I try to eat applesauce sometime during the day although honestly I can't see that it really helps the plumbing problems.

I talk to my Mom every Sunday night and I told her the news last night. I was going to wait till they come for a visit in a few weeks but I decided I didn't want to be all nervous about how to tell them. So I decided on the spur of the moment to tell her when she asked how I'd been doing. She was, of course, very excited.