On to the next chapter

I finally got to talk to the doc this afternoon before seeing our movie. [digression]Mission Impossible 3 is totally a guy's shoot-um-up movie but if you have to sit through it, it actually wasn't too bad; I've seen much worse[end digression]. He said the surgery went great and he was able to repair the septum with no problems. He said I now have 50% more space in my uterus and, given that I've had one child, he doesn't see any reason why I can't have another. I asked about the cyst and he said it was no big deal; just something hanging off my left tube that might have potentially compressed it but is no longer a factor since he removed it. I asked him about the bloodwork and he said to just call on CD1 and that would put in motion everything that is routinely tested.

For some reason I feel like the phone conversation closed a chapter in my life. I truly felt like it closed the chapter on miscarriages and loss. Like those things are gone from my life forever. Trying to be optimistic? Maybe it's just the second glass of wine kicking in. At any rate I feel like I've got my second wind and I'm ready to move forward and brave whatever the future holds.

This blog may be a little boring in the near future. FF forecasts me to start the next cycle on the 18th of June. In the meantime I'm looking forward to getting back into my old routine and catching up on my scrapbooking. I'll let you know as soon as anything interesting happens. Thanks for everyone's comments and encouragement through all this. It's hard to believe that a community of women that one has never met can be such a vital lifeline but I can attest to the fact that it's true!

Does the Waiting Ever Stop?

I know that everyone out there is just hanging on my every word, waiting to find out what the specialist reported back about my surgery. Surely you are?! So I feel compelled to check in and tell you that I still know NOTHING! Monday evening I went to the video store. I left my phone in the car. It was the only 10 minutes I was separated from my phone since the surgery and I really didn't expect a call at 9pm on a holiday. Guess who called and left a message? So I was very patient yesterday, expecting him to call on the late side again. No go. So I finally called his nurse this morning and left a message that I hoped I hadn't been forgotten. Still no word. J and I have engaged my niece for babysitting this afternoon and are headed in to see Mission Impossible 3 (he picked it, not me!). You better believe I will be sitting on the end of the aisle with my phone on vibrate!

Double Standards

Today I was upstairs folding clothes while G was downstairs - I thought she was watching a movie. I cocked my ear in her direction every so often and was satisfied with the sounds of laughter and legos. Then it got quiet. Let me mention that, as I was folding these clothes at 5pm, the snack bug hit so I dug out the package of Goldfish that I had hidden away for my convalescence. All of sudden, mid-mouthful, in walks G. She had apparantly raided the diaper bag and pulled out the emergency bag of Goldfish that I keep in there, these being her favorite snack. She marched the bag over to me and pronounced "Open, Open". Like any good Mama, I quickly swallowed my mouthful of goldfish and then proceeded to explain to her that we can't snack on crackers just before dinner because then we'll be too full to eat the healthy food for supper. I swear she looked at me like she knew that five seconds earlier I had been doing just that.

Makes me wonder how many times my mother held out on me like that.

Lazy Holiday

Another lazy day of recuperating. Today I feel like I can move around pretty well as long as I go very slowly. No quick movements, no bending and no twisting. And still no lifting. My belly is turning a very lovely shade of green. I think it'll be a while before all the swelling goes down and I can actually see my belly button again.

I was so excited to read cat's news at House Of Miao. Hers is one of the first blogs I started reading when she was very newly pregnant. It is so encouraging to see someone "graduate" as it were. Lorem says it's time for me to rent out my newly refurbished womb for nine months. It's funny: I've been so focused first on getting through the HSG and then getting through the surgery that I almost lost sight of the purpose of it all! According to FF's cycle planner, we should be trying again the first week in July. At this moment, I can't imagine anything stretching my belly out any more than it already is, so I'm content to sit out this June cycle! Plus, I am still having some pain where I thought he had removed the cyst. That has me a little concerned so I am looking forward to talking to him tomorrow.

I hope everyone is having a nice Memorial Day Holiday. The lazy days of summer are definitely here!

Checking In

Still no word from my doc. Was I really so stupid as to believe that he would actually call me on a holiday weekend? Must have been the narcotics. I'm recovering much better today. I actually got up and went to church this morning and then to the in-laws for a holiday BBQ. J's cabin fever finally took over this afternoon and he disappeared to the airport soon after G went down for her nap. I couldn't begrudge him some time off since he's been so good this whole time. I do think it rather funny though: he could not be a stay-at-home dad if his life depended on it! The lesson I learned after my D&C was to not lift anything for at least a week. Or two. So I'm figuring a septum repair carries the same warning label and I'm trying to be good. I did get G out of the crib this afternoon and into the bathtub tonight. Oh yeah, and up onto the changing table once. But no carrying her around. Which of course is the only thing she wants right now and it just breaks my heart to have cry "Mama hold you". But I am feeling much better and my belly doesn't hurt nearly as bad. Tomorrow I might actually clean up the house! With no lifting of course.

I have to admit that I did get a bit depressed during this whole episode. I don't have a lot of close friends to begin with but I do have a few friends and family here close by. One of my friends came over Friday evening bearing jello (a staple, I've learned, after surgery) for a quick visit. That meant so much to me, just to have human contact beyond J and G. But that was it. I know I shouldn't complain but this is my blog where I can vent so I'm venting my petty little frustrations here so that my family won't have to deal with them. But I'm curious: if you were in my situation, would you want visitors? If the roles were reversed, would you make an effort to visit? Sometimes I think that people just get too wrapped up in their own lives to stop and think what impact they have on others. I can't pass judgement too quickly though because I probably do the same thing. This whole experience made me stop and think how I might do things differently in the future.

Okay, it's back to bed for me. I've definitely overdone it today and my belly is feeling it.

Back among the living .... sort of

Hard to believe 24 hours ago I was out cold. The surgery went well. I have pictures of my insides but was unable to talk to the doc so I haven't a clue what they mean. I do remember the nurse in recovery saying that he had repaired the septum and removed a cyst (more on that in a sec). I got to the outpatient surgery center about 8:30 and I was getting in the car to leave about 11:45. I must admit that I am in more pain than I thought I would be. I tried not to dwell too much on exactly what would be done so I guess I didn't really think it through! The pain is okay if I'm just sitting but then the cramping turns up a bit. Laying down is not exactly comfortable either. Walking around too much is still out of the question. I took a shower this morning and took the bandages off. Just looking at the incisions made it hurt so much more! I'm just squeamish that way I guess. I have an incision inside my belly button and then a smaller one just about my pubic bone. I took the pain medication several times yesterday but didn't last night because it makes me feel really loopy. After my shower today though I gladly popped one!

The doc said he would call sometime today to discuss how things went. I'm anxiously awaiting that call!

About the cyst.... A week ago I was expecting to start my period and I was having what felt curiously like ovulation pains. Pretty intense pains at that. I had them off and on for the next 2 days. They would be very intense for 15-30 seconds and then they'd go away when I [ahem] passed gas. I didn't mention it to the doc because I figured if it was something serious he'd probably see it. All the nurse said was that he removed a cyst so I'm anxious to talk to him about that. I assume it was an ovarian cyst. Strange timing for one to appear, don't you think?!

Yesterday I did nothing but sit in bed and sleep and read magazines. I had bigger plans for today but taking a shower wiped me out so I'm back in bed. J will have to manage G for another day I guess.

I'll check back in when I hear something from the doc!

Relaxed?

I got to enjoy a relaxing day at the spa today. I started at 10:30 with a facial, followed by a massage, then a snack, then a hair cut, and finally a pedicure. I've got my reservations about the haircut; I can't be really certain until I wash and style it myself but I don't think I'm going to be too happy with it. Thank goodness it grows fast and won't be a problem for very long. The facial was great and something I'd definitely do again. I've done massages before and this one was okay. Relaxing but nothing to write home about. The pedicure was my first and, while it was enjoyable, I think it's really something to be done with friends as a social event. But, all in all, a very nice day. J and G survived just fine without me.

Tomorrow is the big day and, of course, I'm dreading it. I was unsuccesful in finding anyone to keep G so J will be in charge of her again. We have to leave the house at 7:45 in the morning and I am *so* not a morning person. The procudure should start around 9:30 and the lady today said I should be discharged around 11:30. I just keep telling myself that, in this, everything is going to go just as it should and we will be succesfully conceive another child in no time at all. There's that Hope thing again.

Back!

Finally back to a decent internet connection. We arrived at the Houston airport yesterday at noon for a 1:30 flight. Unfortunately, that flight was full, so we had to wait for the next one at 4:45. We finally made it home at 8:30. Today we ventured to the zoo for an hour or so because it is, after all, J's vacation and he wanted to do something fun. Tomorrow is my spa day and then Friday is The Day. I got my prescription filled today for cytotec which I am supposed to take the night before the surgery. I also talked today to the billing person and it turns out that my insurance is supposedly going to cover 60% of the procedure. She told me the total cost will be about $3000 so I will be thrilled to have insurance cover some. But I'm not holding my breath that they actually will. I got the insurance statement today for the HSG for $485 and they denied all of it. That should be legitimately covered though so I will have to get on the phone next week and clear that up. While I was gone J actually cleaned and even vacumed the house. Will wonders never cease?! He also managed to heft up my front loading washing machine onto the pedastal that I bought about a year ago and he did it all by himself somehow. I'm thrilled to no longer have to stand on my head to get laundry in and out.

I have to get back to catching up. It's probably a good thing that Gmail doesn't tell me the total number of unread messages but let's just say that I will have plenty of reading to keep me occupied as I recover this weekend!

{Whew}

Yup, my period finally arrived this morning. All that worry for nothing. Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

We went to church with my folks this morning. They go to a very conservative Southern Baptist church like what I grew up in. The funniest thing to me was that I had to check in G: they typed her name and mine into the computer and then slapped a label on her back. Pretty good idea, actually, especially if you saw how many other rug rats were running around. I was a little worried when I went to pick her up that they'd want to see ID or something but the lady doing the "class" knew Mom so we were good to go. Mom thought it was funny that G ran in the door and never looked back. After church my folks had to stand around and talk to everyone (it was Dad's first Sunday since his surgery) and G had a blast running around saying hi to all the strangers. I followed behind and apologized for my "terribly shy" child. Sure glad that's over.

Schedules

I've got the whole of next week all planned out. I'm coming home on Tuesday. Wednesday we'll do something fun as a family (zoo maybe). Thursday I've got an entire day of relaxation booked at a Day Spa for a massage, facial, pedicure and hair cut. Friday I'm supposed to show up at 8:30 am for my 9:30 surgery. The only thing that hasn't made its scheduled appearance is my period. Sometimes I have an 11 day LP, sometimes a 12 day. Right now I'm 13DPO with nothing to indicate AF's arrival. And the weird thing yesterday is that I started having what feels distinctly like ovulation pain. But my temps and OPKs said I ovulated 13 days ago. So I don't know what's going on. I have to be done with my period before they'll do the surgery so I'm hoping my temps were just a day off or something. I would say there's no way I could be pregnant but I guess I can't rule that out either. Condoms can fail, right?! So now it's just wait and see. This is the first time I've examined the tissue hoping to see blood. Isn't life crazy?!

Howdy from Houston!

Did you know that it's *almost* possible to surf the web at 19.2 kilobits per second? Sometimes, when the cow gets up off the phone line, we've even hit 26 kbps! My Dad used to work for Nasa - he managed software development for the Mission Control Center in Houston. He helped send men to the moon. Now he's so far behind technology it's not even funny.

We had a pretty good trip here. G did really well on the flight and ensuing car ride. She liked the idea of watching movies on the plane but she didn't care too much for the earphones. Granny and Papa are spoiling her terribly. She has been wearing her new teletubby jammies almost 2 days straight now.

My Dad is doing so well! You'd hardly even know he had surgery. My Mom has been in a really good mood because the doctor said that she had some rare kind of pneumonia. She's all better now but when people come over and the talk turns to my Dad and how good he's doing, she can pipe in with her medical woes. She's very into being able to one-up someone.

I'll leave you with one good laugh because it's a story foremost on my mind at the moment. My parents are both very set in their habits and routines - probably typical for their age. On top of that, Mom is a clean-freak. You could literally pick up food off her floors and eat it because you know it would be clean. It pains me to watch her do the dishes though. Earlier this year she replaced her dishwasher with a spiffy Bosch model; this thing would probably clean week-old grease off a pot. What does she do? She fills up the sink with soapy water, gets every speck of food off the dishes, soaps them up real good, then puts them in the dishwasher on a pot-scrub cycle. Well, at least the plates are sterilized. It exhausts me to watch it though. So I came in here to surf on a 19.2 connection. I gotta get a life. Soon!

Quick Vent

A few months ago, J's company changed their policy and started charging a "registration" fee for our "free" pass benefits. Whatever. I've been bugging him for a while now to get it done. Of course he didn't. Last week when I decided to go to Houston without him, I went down the rocky road of trying to get us in the system quickly. Friday afternoon the girl in the pass office assured me that I was good to go. Yeah right.

So I get G up at 7 this morning (two hours early) and we set off to the airport with a friend. The whole thing started off with a b*tch behind the counter telling me emphatically that everyone else has been wrong and I have never ever been allowed to take someone to the gate with me to help with G. Whatever. The whole thing went downhill from there. Turns out we are not in the system and, on top of that, they've changed the procedure for us to be able to fly on a different airline. Now we need to be there 2 hours early to get all the paperwork done.

Our morning was a bust and I'm sitting here now calling every hour to see if we've hit the system yet. If we get lucky and hit it today we'll go ahead and try to make Houston again. If not, you can bet J will be on the phone to the girl in the office tomorrow to get it straightened out.

End rant. Hopefully we'll be in Houston. Sometime. This week.

We're Off (Hopefully!)

Okay, Lorem has set me straight:

They are not going to 'cut you up.' They are going to make a tiny slit this long: ___

Whew. I feel so much better ;-> Not really but that is a little smaller than I thought.

The last few days have been filled with preparations for our trip to Houston. We hopefully will leave tomorrow on the 9am flight. I say hopefully because there was some confusion on our pass benefits and the girl in the office said she had us in the computer but I'm still rather holding my breath. By the way, I'm allowed to call her the "girl" in the office because she's at least half my age. Or sounds like it anyway. In Houston I'm renting a car with a carseat. Holding my breath there too because if they don't have a seat for us we're screwed. I've done a lot of my packing and I've actually been going around the house looking for extra toys to take because the toy bag is not even half full and I feel like I have a ton of stuff in there. Right now I'm still debating about whether to take my laptop and let her just watch movies all the way down there. It's not that I mind her watching movies for 3 hours. What I dread is the inevitable screaming fit when it comes time to turn it off. That's the only thing that's keeping it out of my bag at this point.

Lorem also suggested that I get them to do some of the bloodwork this cycle. I may ask about that when I call to schedule the surgery. I know I wouldn't be able to do the CD3 bloodwork because I'll still be in Houston.

I probably won't post anymore till I get back sometime around the 23rd. My Dad only has a dial-up connection and on a good day it connects at 20K (something about all those cows walking over the telephone wires I guess) so I only get on his computer to do basic email work to keep my inbox under control till I get home.

Yikes! They're gonna cut me up!

The more I think about the upcoming procedure the more scared I get. I mean, hell, they're gonna cut holes in me. I know - they're just small ones. But someone's gonna stand over me with a knife. And use it. In all my 37 years I'm proud to report that not once have I been cut on. I've been stitched up a few times but never cut on. Anyway, I'm trying not to think about that.

Lorem strongly suggests I stay with the specialist and get the bloodwork. After having a rather sleepless night, I'm inclined to agree with her. I was trying to recall how the conversation went exactly. I remember him saying that he would want to do a lot of bloodwork and I *thought* he said this next cycle. But after ruminating on it some, I think he won't do the bloodwork until the cycle after the surgery. At this point I'm thinking to stay with him for a couple of months after the surgery and if I do get pregnant in that time to let him monitor me until 8-10 weeks - until I feel comfortable. If I don't get pregnant then I will have to decide what to do. Probably continue to stay with him for more agressive treatment.

I do have this question for all you who've been there: what can I expect in the way of the number of office visits per cycle? And, once I get pregnant, what can I expect in the way of the number of office visits and the number of ultrasounds? I have a general idea in my head of what to expect financially but it would definitely help to know specifics so I can do better planning.

In other news I'm getting ready to make the trek to Houston to see my folks. It'll be just G and I and we'll be flying standby. Which is usually not too bad on this route. Back in December I did the trip and I took the carseat on the plane with me. Which meant carrying it through the airport once we got there. My folks couldn't come to the gate to help me and I quickly found out that I wasn't really capable of carrying the carseat and G and the backpack. Luckily a helpful flight attendant helped us out. This time I plan to check the carseat and gate check a small stroller. I dread a 3 hour flight trying to keep her in the seat but I know I can't handle the carseat by myself. So I am stressing about the trip which is really quite good as it doesn't allow me time to stress too much about the surgery. We will probably leave Sunday or Monday and stay 7 or 8 days.

Another question for all you who've had the lap/hysteroscopy. For Mother's Day J is "letting" me go to a day spa for a massage and all the works. I can either go before the surgery or 4-5 days after it. Any suggestions on the best time to schedule it? I'm leaning towards going before because I'm worried about being too sore to enjoy it that soon afterwards.

Infertility Doc Visit Recap

Just got back from the appt and J is out picking up G so I thought I'd see if I could get a quick post in while the info is fresh on my mind.

First off, I like the doc. He seems very confident and assured; good bedside manner. He seems to think that my chances of having another successful pregnancy are very high. He wants to do the hysteroscopy/laparoscopy at the start of the next cycle when my period is done. Then I sit out that cycle and then I can start trying again! I liked the sound of that. He said he thinks my problem is probably progesterone as much as anything but that it just makes sense to go ahead and fix the septum rather than risking another m/c. I liked the sound of that too!

So, probably week after next, when I start my next cycle, I'll call and schedule. The scheduling of it has me a little stressed out because it's going to mean cutting short the visit with my folks as he only does surgeries on Fridays. So J and I have to have a talk tonight about that. But the good thing is that doing it then will mean he will be home to take care of me.

The other thing the doc discussed was after the surgery. He would really like me to stay with him so that he can run the normal battery of tests and make sure there's no other factors causing m/c. I will have to give a lot of serious thought to that. I really want to because I know I'm going to be a basketcase and all the extra monitoring will definitely help. On the other hand there's the cost issue. My talk with him today cost me $230. I know ultrasounds are usually on the order of $300-$400. None of this would be covered in any way by insurance except for the bloodwork which is covered 100%. So a lot to think about!

Cleaning!

There's probably a special hell for housekeepers like me. I imagine that, as residents there, we'll be required to keep everything spotless (I haven't decided what the punishment would be yet). No cobwebs, no dust. Cleaning to be done daily.

This morning I went to grab something off the bookshelf in my bedroom and saw that it left a perfect outline in the dust. I mean, the dust is so thick up there you can SEE it. Mental note: Must dust soon.

The thing that kicked me in to action today, however, was peeling an apple in the kitchen and dropping a piece. Oh my gosh: you have no idea how much junk was down there. My good ole' Southern Granny had a good way of putting it: some things are dirty; but some are filthy dirty. That was the ultimate harsh word from Granny and I have to admit that she would definitely have labeled my kitchen floor filthy dirty. I honestly can't remember the last time I swept the whole thing, much less mopped. For months now I've been content with sweeping under the table where G eat. And hey, I do that on an almost daily basis. That should get me some points. So anyway, I just spent the last hour sweeping and mopping. Geesh am I tired. I guess I'll have to make a clean sweep of it today and dust that bookshelf.

---

In other news, my Dad got a final report today: BENIGN! He still has the drainage tube in, though, so I don't see him going home today although Mom is convinced of it. Mom is also doing much better today.

I also wanted to thank Dr. Lorem for her excellent diagnosis of my pictures. Seriously, I am so relieved to hear that her "after" pictures looked like a normal uterus is supposed to look. Gives me hope. Just a little over 24 hours till my specialist appt. I think I can wait that long!

An update with pictures

I just remembered that my OB gave me copies of the xray films to take to the specialist. Unfortunately, she gave me two copies of #1 and none of #2, so I'll have to call about that tomorrow. But I tried scanning one and, while not the greatest quality, I think you can see that there's a problem. My OB said she thought it was a septum although she sounded a bit hesitant about that. To me it looks more like a heart-shaped uterus but then I'm no expert on reading these things! See for yourself:



The stick looking thing on the bottom is the catheter for the dye. The heart looking thing just above that is the uterus. I think. !!!!
Here's an image I found of a normal looking uterus:



Comparing those pictures, mine looks very heart shaped to me although my OB made it sound like it didn't look too bad and could be easily fixed.

So there you have today's medical diagnosis from Dr. K. Very qualified. Stay tuned!

Appointments

I spent an hour today at the OB's office for my followup appointment in order to talk to her for about 3 minutes. She wanted to know how I was feeling; I said fine. She wanted to know if I had an appt with the specialist; I said yes. She gave me copies of my HSG xrays and said she'd fax the rest. That was about it. Of course, I had decided to take G with me, hoping the appt wouldn't last long. She did pretty good though; I was proud of her.

I'm pretty sure I ovulated yesterday. So much for being a cycle on the longer side (today is CD16). They moved my specialist appt to 6:30pm on Wednesday. No way was I opting for yet another delay to get an earlier appt!

My Dad is still in the hospital. He sounds good and says he feels fine. But the pathology dept still hasn't come back with a final ruling on whether or not it's cancer which has me somewhat concerned. I know that if they can't decisively rule out cancer that they're probably going to opt to go back in and remove most of that lung. Dad sounds so good right now; I hate to see him go back through all that. Hopefully he'll find out for sure tomorrow. Mom thinks he will be able to come home tomorrow but, considering that he still has the drainage tube in and he hasn't been able to walk any, I think that may be a little optimistic. Time will tell. As in everything.

Glutton For Punishment

I've decided: tomorrow I'm changing The Routine.

This is a big step for me. It all started the other night when I finally got around to doing something I've been meaning to do for months now: get my TV to pick up broadcast channels, specifically PBS (Public Broadcasting System; here in the States it's the public channel with no commercials). It's been years since we had cable and I don't miss it at all. I really don't miss broadcast except that somewhere along the way I decided it would be good for G to get a daily dose of Sesame Street. We have this huge contraption of an attenae outside that would probably pick up signals from Chicago but I've never spent time looking for the connections. I finally found it only to discover that I need a converter to hook the TV up to it. After figuring that out, I decided to see what I could do with an old AM loop attenae. Lo and behold, I get ONE channel: PBS! Not digitally clear, but clear enough for G to watch Big Bird.

Then I went and looked up the schedule. Turns out Sesame Street airs here from 11:30 to 12:30. Mister Rogers is on a half hour after that. Now, normally we are not leaving for the Y until 11 and don't get home till a little after noon. So I thought and thought about how to do it and finally came up with a workable schedule. It involves getting up a little earlier and leaving for the Y right after breakfast. I'm not real wild about going to that schedule but I've decided to give it a try for at least a week. I figure if I can't make that schedule work, I'll resurrect the VCR from the basement and start taping the shows!

HOLD EVERYTHING. Oh my gosh; why didn't I think of that sooner????? Okay, I'll have to end this post now and go set up the VCR. Thank goodness for being able to blog my way to a solution!

Labels

Last night I put G to bed and J was busy in his office. I sat down and caught up on all my email and blog reading. I checked off a couple of things on my to do list. I reviewed the coming week and made some more items on the to do list. Then it was quiet. There were things I could do but I didn't really feel like doing them. I have lots of scrapbook projects on my list but I wasn't feeling particularly crafty. So, rather than sit and contemplate life, I decided to clean and reorganize my office. Organizing has always been something of a therapy for me. I needed that last night.

When I organize something I have complete control over where it goes and how it's stored. I guess I have this "thing" about being in control although I wouldn't necessarily characterize myself as a control freak. But I am probably about two steps away from it. I try not to be an obnoxious one at least.

Over the last week I've come to realize that what I'm currently dealing with is a case of depression. I've had bouts of depression all my life off and on. Never really bad and always something I got through by myself. I don't know how long I've really been in this round of it but here I am. All this stuff with my parents and my fertility has left me decidedly out of control. Which makes me nervous and stressed. And, apparantly, depressed.

I'm not really ashamed about admitting that. I know that it's just a hormonal imbalance that will correct itself in time. I do wonder what impact it will have on trying to get pregnant again.

Regarding my fertility problems, I've ridden the entire wave of emotions this week. Monday after the diagnosis I was actually pretty upbeat and excited. I finally had an answer and I had scientific proof that my baby is a true miracle. As the week wore on, I realized that the treatment is going to mean more time and waiting. And even though I know it's waiting with a purpose, I am not a patient person.

I also tried this week to start examining my notions of God in light of my diagnosis. I can't say that I have made any great strides on that front. I did go to church this morning but that was mostly because J wanted me to and I do say hate to disappoint him.

But just when I start to feel I'm close to getting an even footing with my faith, I read stories like this. This was not a blog I followed but how can you help not being affected by the stories and events. And it makes me start to question my faith all over again, even though it's not happening to me.

So there you have it. A depressed agnostic. That label scares even me! I'm trying to look forward to what next week's appointment with the specialist holds. In my dreams he says that he can book my corrective surgery for the end of next week and I only have to wait one cycle for healing. In those same dreams my Dad is whole and well and out of the hospital and my Mom has shaken her pneumonia and whatever bacterial infection it is that she has. And I don't have to make an emergency trip to Houston and miss my appointments.

It seems that no matter how hard life batters you, you can never stop dreaming.

All-Consuming Parents

I talked to my Dad today and he sounded better than he has in a long time. Apparantly they have him on some sort of epidural where he really doesn't feel any pain. He said he wouldn't know he had surgery if they hadn't shown him the pictures. That comes out tomorrow though so I hope he will fare well.

I also talked to my Mom today and she sounds like she's the one that had surgery. She's been battling walking pneumonia for a couple of weeks now and can't seem to shake it. She said she had a bad night last night so she went back to the doc today and got some more high-powered antibiotics. I'll check in on her again tomorrow but if they both land in the hospital I'll definitely be taking a trip to Houston. Yeah, I'm really looking forward to that with Miss Terrible Two but we'll figure it out somehow.

I took an OPK today and it wasn't anywhere near positive. I'm not sure if they're restricted to a certain phase in the cycle for the septum repair and I was really hoping to schedule it soon and get it out of the way. I don't know if a long cycle will be good or bad. And right now I don't have the mental energy to even really wonder about it beyond this post.

I think the last few days everything has really started to hit me and today was just a really bad day. To the point where I was questioning even wanting the first one much less any more. Maybe it's Pre Ovulation Syndrome?!!! I sent J out for a Brownie Delight at Dairy Queen and I'm sure that is the key to getting things to look up!

Update on My Dad

Finally got a call from my Mom. The surgeon had just come out to tell her that it didn't look like cancer. The initial reports were that it is not cancer so they just removed the mass and the surrounding lymph nodes. They'll get a detailed pathology report tomorrow or Monday and if it is cancer they'll go back and remove the top half of the lung. But right now everything looks good. I'm sure all of you heard my huge sigh of relief!

More Odds

My Dad had to be at the hospital this morning at 6am. I got up to call them at 5:30 this morning but they didn't have their phone on! So I haven't talked to Mom yet and of course I forgot to ask what hospital they were at. So I have no idea what's going on. Talk about not being in control!

Anyway, Josefina had some good questions in response to yesterday's post so I thought I would try to answer them. I always figure if one person asks a question, there's more that have the same question that don't ask.

So.... a septum: A normal uterus is rather dome-shaped at the top. With a septated uterus, the two halves of the uterus do not form properly and instead end up looking somewhat heart shaped with tissue hanging down in the middle. There are varying degrees; some women have what is basically 2 uterii because the two halves don't come together at all. For others, it's a relatively minor condition where there's just a small amount of tissue hanging down. But the tissue doesn't have a good blood supply and if an embryo implants there, there's not a whole lot to grow on.

Now, about odds. I'm no expert and have nothing to back up these numbers; they're just numbers I have heard and stored away throughout my journey. I think any given woman in any given cycle has like a 20% chance of conceiving. But if you take all the cycles together for long enough (I think like a year), then the average woman has something like an 85% chance of conceiving sometime in that time frame. It goes down a bit with age but it's somewhere around there.

Yesterday, I found this page that shows some odds of different types of uterine abnormalities. Just like the 85% chance of conceiving over a certain time-frame, these are the odds of conceiving over a certain timeframe with a uterine problem. For a septate, this chart says 25% chance although other sources I read said no higher than 10%. If you get it fixed, the chances go back up to the range of an average woman.

Hope that clears things up. Probably more than you ever wanted to know about uterine abnormalties! I've gotta run now and get ready to go to the Y but if anyone has anymore questions, let me know. Thanks for all the support about my Dad. I will post as soon as I find something out!

What are the odds?

I've been doing some research on this septum. Turns out that there is only a 10-20% chance of having a successful pregnancy with a septum and, even then, there is a big chance of having complications such as pre-term labor and premature delivery.

I've been thinking a lot about those odds. Does it mean I'm special? Does it mean my child is extra special? I've never denied the existence of God so what was his purpose in all this? Why give me a healthy child and withhold the same from so many others who are certainly more deserving than I?

There's so much I don't understand. If I was having questions about my faith before I'm really having them now! Right now I'm just in the beginning stages of puzzling out why this diagnosis and the odds behind it disquiet me so.

To be honest, at this moment it's much easier to focus on my Dad and his situation. He is scheduled for surgery this Thursday. They've decided to bypass the biopsy and just go remove the tumor. If the preliminary biopsy in the OR comes back malignant then they'll remove the entire upper portion of his lung. If not, they'll just remove the tumor. I told my Mom that I would be on the next flight out but she said that Dad doesn't want me to come for the surgery and I can understand that. I know he doesn't want me and his granddaughter to see him in the hospital with tubes and such. So right now, assuming that everything goes as planned (!), I'll be waiting a few weeks to go down there. I am really hoping that at my specialist appointment next week we can schedule the septum repair fairly quickly and I can get that out of the way. Then I can head down to Houston for a while and do my own healing. And maybe the waiting time will go faster.

That's my plan, to whom it may concern. If anyone's listening, that's how I'd like for things to go.

Record Time

Okay, this was record time between posts but I am so excited! I called the fertility clinic in Columbus and was able to get an initial appointment next WEDNESDAY with the doc that my OB recommended! Seeing as this is really the only fertility clinic in Columbus, I had assumed that it would take me weeks to get in. Not only that, but I was able to get a time that will allow me to have someone watch G. J won't be there but I can fill him in! Is it too much to hope that I might get the surgery scheduled in the very near future?

HSG Results

Just a quick update: turns out my first pregnancy was a fluke! I have a septum. Not a bad one but one nevertheless. I remember with G, the only problem the entire pregnancy was the possibility of a placenta previa. Turned out not to be an issue but in retrospect, she succeeded because she implanted low in the uterus.

The test itself wasn't too awfully bad. Getting the catheter in was the most uncomfortable part. Injecting the dye didn't cause much cramping at all for me. I feel crampier now than I did when she was injecting it.

My doc said she could fix it but she'd rather I go to the specialist who does it all the time. So I am about to find the number and call for an appointment. I also need to research my insurance, but I'm pretty sure we'll be on our own for payment from here on out. Any ideas on how much it will cost?

Curiously enough, my doc said it was up to me whether I should try this month or not. She said it was just how much I wanted to risk another possible m/c vs risking another low implantation. Needless to say, I'm not risking anything at this point!