Monday, February 13, 2006

someone's idea of a sick joke?

Before working out at the Y this morning, I went to the bathroom there. As usual after wiping, I performed the dreaded TP examination. There was a speck of red on it. Trying not to think too much, I quickly grabbed some more and wiped again. Damn. Another small spot of red. By this time my heart was on the floor and my mind was racing in 20000 different directions. Trying to calm myself down, I got some more tissue and this time took a good look at it before wiping. Wouldn't you know it: it was that really cheap stuff with lots of pulp in it of different colors. You know: purple, blue, brown. Ummm, red. I decided it must be some man's idea of a sick joke. I felt like such a good American: I wanted to sue them for unnecessary pain and suffering.

I found myself thinking today that I am halfway through my first trimester. I so do not want to spend this pregnancy trying to get to the next milestone. I want to enjoy each moment of it. As though it may be my last. Or my first. Every day I look at my precious little one and realize that 2 years have flown by. She walked down the stairs this morning clutching Elmo in one hand and the bannister in the other. When I asked if she wanted to hold my hand (like usual) she said "No hand". Pretty soon she'll be getting herself up and dressed and even brushing her own hair and she won't need me at all. And all too soon even this new child will be walking down the stairs saying "No hand". But right now I don't have that future. All I have is this moment in time. And I cherish that.

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