Saturday, February 18, 2006

Hope is a cruel thing

I have gone through so many emotions in the space of less than 12 hours today. I am having "spotting" just like my last m/c started off with. I'm not really sure what to call it. It's more like fertile eggwhite CM tinged pink, red, and brown. I know in my head that it could mean many things but I just can't think that this pregnancy is going to end any different than the last. I am also having quite a bit of cramping which I don't remember having with the last miscarriage.

My plan right now is to scrap the midwife and call the OB first thing Monday morning. I doubt there is anything she can do but maybe I can at least see a picture of my little bean before he/she goes.

So many thoughts swirling through my head. Try again? Throw in the towel? Be happy with what I've got?

I started this blog to work through my feelings about god. I can tell you this much for sure at this moment: I have no desire to pray to or even think about this god. He means nothing to me right now. Any being that can give hope and then so cruelly snatch it away is not worth my worship, let alone any of my feelings. I guess you could say I've pretty much worked through my feelings about god at this point.

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