Thursday, February 23, 2006


How do you take a little bit of hope and squash it like a tick??? Because I'd really like to figure out how to do that.

After talking to my OB today I promised myself that I wouldn't allow myself to get my hopes up. So we're sitting there watching a movie tonight and I start to feel a little crampy and, unlike the last 2 days, I feel the dread creeping over me that it's not going to work out. But I knew that yesterday and welcomed the cramps as a sign that things would move along. Today that tiny bit of hope has insinuated itself into my heart and continues to bug the hell out of me.

From all my research on Dr. Google tonight, I have learned that it may indeed be possible to not see a baby on an ultrasound at 7 weeks if you have a retroverted (tilted) uterus and I know that I do indeed have one significant enough for several practitioners to have told me about it throughout the years. I have also learned that HCG numbers are not necessarily indicative of the health of a pregnancy once you get past about 6 weeks. To balance that out, it's the placenta that generates the HCG, not the baby, so you can have a healthily functioning placenta pumping out the hormones without necessarily having a baby in there.

So I still have 4 days to wait till the ultrasound and still nothing to go on. I have absolutely no idea how I'll make it till then. Greetings from limbo-land. Which, if you'll remember, doesn't really exist.

By the way, thanks Josefina for your comments; I wish I could read your blog but I wish you the best! And thanks to everyone who's left comments. It means a lot to know that I'm not alone out here.

1 comment:

Josefina said...

yesterday I kept thinking about your case (I even told my husband about you!), and your kind of "anger" with God. I'm a catholic (roman catholic), and even though I don't go attend mass a lot, I've always had a lot of Faith. Sometimes I get really hopeless, and start to think that is unfair that some bad things happen to me, but then I remember that "everything happens FOR something" (not BECAUSE of something), and that God would never ever "send" you something you couldn't resist...and I think about how my life's turned out and I really start to understand why things happen the way the happen. It's not easy, because God works in misterious ways (sounds a little "cliché" but it's true!!). Many times I really marvel about how everythings fits sooner or later, like a big puzzle, including those rough times. It doesn't mean you shouldn`t be sad or angry or pissed off, but if you search some chapters of your life, I'm sure you will be impressed of how everything happened for a reason. I will give you a little example: I had a boyfriend who "kicked me off", and I really thought I was never going to recover. After a couple of weeks, we were back together, only to be "kicked off" again after a little more than a month. It was a friday, and next monday a new guy came to work at my office. Summary: he's my husband right now. We always think that he came RIGHT on the perfect moment, because if he had come 1 week before, our relation would have probably turned out just as friendhship. Maybe it's a stupid example, but I've always looked back in my life and found a lot of examples like that.
Sorry to have bothered you with these "dense" thoughts, but I wanted to share this with you, and maybe, just maybe, put a tiny little light of hope and peace on your heart.
Best wishes!!!!