Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Checking In

No beta numbers today but I felt like checking in. I am doing a lot better today. It may sound strange, but the explanation of a blighted ovum is helping me deal with things a lot better. My first m/c was a pregnancy that followed right on the heals of getting my Mirena IUD removed. I will always be convinced that that had something to do with losing the baby. So when I first started spotting this weekend, my first thoughts were that the IUD had somehow messed me up and I would never be able to carry a pregnancy again. Knowing that the loss of this one was most likely chromosonal and not having anything to do with the inside of my uterus helps me in that it leaves me more hopeful that the next baby will make it. Third time's a charm, right?

I wanted to share with you the email that I sent out 'To all you who "knew"'. We had already shared our news with a handful of friends and family. Just as I will share early news with them again, hopefully in the near future. But it is rather difficult to find the words to tell them about miscarrying again. I've gotten the sweetest replies and I think those help me in getting through this as much as anything.

The thing about telling people early on about a pregnancy is that then you have to figure out how to tell them that things aren't working out. Not only do I feel sad in my own right, but for some strange reason, I feel like I've let my friends down. This probably won't stop me from telling you early on about the next pregnancy (notice the hopeful tone) nor will it stop me from feeling like I'm letting people down.

At any rate..... I've been spotting and cramping since Saturday. I was able to get in with the OB today and she did an ultrasound. Basically there is a sac but no baby. Yes, you really can be not quite pregnant. Dr. Google says this is called a "blighted ovum" and is a common enough occurrence but I hope never to have to deal with the terms again. My hormone levels are quite low although I won't know for sure how things stand until I repeat them on Wednesday. But nothing in the picture is encouraging.

For now I am hanging in there. I was thinking a while ago that losses seem to get easier with each one. But after cogitating on that for a while, I realized that they don't really get easier; you just figure out how to build stronger walls against hope seeping in. I think it's a survival mechanism.

So, Gracie is not going to be a big sister in October. Very likely not even this year. In the meantime I am taking what good I can: I am lining up the wine bottles to drown my sorrows.

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