Saturday, January 28, 2006

The Details

I'm still not really able to believe it. I'm still feeling somewhat crampy which is starting to concern me so I am trying to take it easy today. Also still watching for any red on the TP. That alone is full time job right now!

The early part of this pregnancy is going to be fraught with so many anniversaries. The timeline will be almost exactly a year to the day of the pregnancy that I lost. It was this time last year that I started 4 or 5 days of heavy bleeding and, thinking I couldn't be pregnant, started doing all the "bad" things: I took lots of Advil for the cramps, I drank, and I even sat in the hot tub. We were on the annual ski vacation then and that's one reason why I didn't want to go this year - too many memories.

Laying in bed this morning I tried my best to look ahead over the pregnancy and the child it might possibly result in. I just couldn't. All I could think of was that I have to get through today with no spotting and then I can think about getting through tomorrow. I'm trying to give myself permission to take it just one day at a time and not dwell too much on possible outcomes.

I am such a bad wife: I haven't even told J yet! He is, of course, out skiing with his buddies. I'll tell him as soon as he calls to check in. After him, I plan to call my very best friend and tell her. Then I have to call my SIL since she usually manages my thyroid and I want her to check my levels as soon as possible. I've decided not to go back to the OB since I ultimately want a midwife to deliver me. Not that I'm thinking that far ahead yet....! I'll probably wait a while before scheduling with the midwife. I've been on prenatals for a year now and the only thing that absolutely needs checking is my thyroid which she can't do anyway. I'm sure I will tell a few other people before long. I'm terrible at keeping a secret, especially such exciting news at this. I decided months ago that if I did get pregnant again, I would right away tell the people who most helped me through my loss. If I have to go through another loss I want them by my side again.

I'm about to go lay down on the couch now and see if I can take it all in.

1 comment:

Lorem ipsum said...

We can never relax again, you know that.

The second time I got pregnant I told everyone right away. I didn't get the support I'd hoped for, though. Most people - my husband's family in particular - pretended none of it ever happened. That made me really mad, and I enjoyed bringing it up at Thanksgiving and seeing how uncomfortable it made them.

I hope your support system is stronger, and that you won't need them - except in good situations, of course.