Friday, December 09, 2005

Getting it off my chest

I talked to my best friend T today - our weekly phone call. She has 5 kids and has experienced 2 losses. Plus she's been my friend since we were roommates in college, so she knows where I've been. I think she must track my cycles on my calendar because she always knows when to ask me stuff. Without really intending to, I ended up pouring out my anger and grief to her. I realize that in a lot of ways I'm still grieving, not necessarily for my lost child but also for my lost innocence. I'm angry at God that we may never have another child and, as an only child myself, I do not want that for my child. I have been hesitant before to tell my friend T how I was feeling because she is the most spiritual person I know. If anyone has a direct line to God, it would be her. But in true best friend fashion, she listened without passing judgement. We didn't resolve anything; I didn't have any "breakthroughs". But it was a relief to hash over it with someone.

J left today for a 5 day trip. I will probably ovulate sometime between now and when he gets back. I had intended to "get together" with him this afternoon just in case but events conspired against us and it just didn't work out. Funny - even though I said I wasn't really trying this month I am disappointed that we didn't at least get to try. Another month; another roller coaster ride.

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