Epiphany

Every now and then I run across someone who puts into words something that I've been trying to find ideas for. I would like to publicly thank Lut C. over at "Things get IF'fy" for this post. I have gone through periods where I thought if I prayed hard enough or wished hard enough or hoped hard enough, good things would come. But, to quote directly from Lut: "Tying failure to lack of hope implies that it is all in my head and that it's all my fault if it doesn't work." Thank you so much for freeing me from the notion that I somehow have some sort of control over all this and the fate of it is resting on my shoulders. It's not, you see. I've wished and I've hoped and I've prayed and I still don't have a sibbling for my daughter. And IT'S NOT MY FAULT!

I've been thinking a lot lately about the topic of why exactly I'm still in this game. 18 months ago I started out on the road to TTC because I didn't want my daughter to grow up as an only child. I did a lot of thinking last night and I realized that at some point I gave up that hope. Some time this year I started and completed a very gradual shift from thinking that I was going to have another baby someday to accepting the fact that I most probably won't. So why am I still trying? I think it's because the one lesson that I've learned really well in life is that I rarely ever end up regretting the things I choose to do; the vast majority of my regrets lie in the things I don't do. I don't want to end up on my death bed wondering what could have been and regretting not having at least tried.

This line of thinking was really getting me down because it presents a dichotomy: how can you be trying to have a child when you really don't think you'll have one? But now I'm realizing that what I think about the outcome really won't influence it. I mean, as long as I'm doing my part to the best of my ability which means I'll temp and have surgery and take drugs. But even if I don't think any of those things are going to work, that's not going to affect the outcome of them.

Reading Lut's post made me put a lot of things together in my mind and freed me from a lot of unnecessary guilt. Don't get me wrong: if things were to somehow work out, I'd be totally thrilled and forever grateful. But it's not going to be the end of me if they don't work out; I've already accepted that. More and more I want to look to the future and try to make the best life for my daughter I possibly can. If that life does not include a sibbling, it won't be for my lack of trying but it also won't be my fault.