13w1d

I forgot to say in yesterday's post that I really like the midwife. I had some reservations going into it but they were quickly dispelled. She came across as very competent and confident. She seems like the type that will be very reassuring but will tell things the way they are with no beating around the bush.

I feel somewhat better today from my cold/sinus. It always holds true for me when I get this type of thing that the better I get to feeling, the worse I sound. And of course, I have 10 people on my list that I have been needing to make phone calls to about various things and I really wanted to get that knocked out today. I made a couple of the most pressing calls but it was frustrating for both parties as I really have no voice to speak of (pun intended). One of the calls on my list is to follow up with my insurance company about their investigations into payment of my HSG. If you remember the saga, my OB's office billed it incorrectly (I'm pretty sure) resulting in the claim being denied by the insurance company. I finally was able to find someone at the insurance company who sent my paperwork in for review by some in-house committee. Since I've heard nothing back from it, I don't hold a whole lot of hope of them finding in my favor. In the meantime I am paying the almost $1000 bill in $25/month installments! At some point I'll get tired of the monthly bills and just pay the darn thing off but maybe in the meantime my account will get marked as paid or something; never hurts to hope. The fire is under me to follow up with the insurance company because J's employer is switching providers at the beginning of the year so I want to have an answer before they do that. The switch should prove interesting as far as the pregnancy care goes. With G, the midwife's office didn't bill until after the birth for any of my prenatal visits or ultrasounds. With both my m/c, I didn't get billed until well after the fact. So I will have to have this midwife's office do some fancy footwork and hopefully it won't be a problem.

I'm not big into Halloween. Yesterday we told G we'd be going trick-or-treating today. She has absolutely no clue what this activity involves but she can't stop talking about it. She doesn't even know that it involves candy or dressing up!

13 Weeks

Nausea: check
Weight gain: check
Big boobs: check
Feeling fat: check

Yup, I still get to feeling yucky in the evenings. But I think each day it gets a little easier.

I had my first appointment with the midwife today. It's a pretty low-tech operation; she doesn't have a nurse assisting or anything. So when you come in, they hand you your chart and you go in the back and record your weight and the results of your urine's protein and glucose check. I was there for almost an hour and a half. First I filled out all the requisite paperwork. Then I met with the midwife to go over my health history. Then she did a physical exam and pap smear. Oh joy. She told me that my cervix "wanted to bleed" and that I would most likely see some spotting from that but not to worry. I have seen a bit since then and am very proud of myself for not freaking out about it. She also listened for the heartbeat and found it as soon as she put the monitor on my belly. It was ranging about 160 beats per minute.

My folks have been visiting since last Wednesday and, between that and catching G's cold, I've not been at my best. But I'm on the down-side of the cold and my folks leave tomorrow, so hopefully things will get better.

12w2d: Expecting

The other day I got a craving for a pasta dish I used to make a lot. It's a very simple concoction of pasta, tomatoes, olives, and spinach. And my favorite part: crushed red pepper flakes. J has never really liked the dish because he says I always overdo the red pepper. So I made it night before last. I put in all the ingredients, including the red pepper. I stirred it up and decided it looked like it needed just a dash more red peppers. Well, my hand must have slipped or something because that's by far the hottest I've ever made it. But it wasn't too hot to eat and I was really craving it, so I ate it. Boy was that a bad idea. I paid for that all night long. Tums didn't even touch my heartburn. Not being one to really learn from my mistakes, I decided the dish would be good for lunch today. I swear I did not put that many red peppers in it. But hello heartburn. I feel condemned to spend the next 6 months eating bland food, which is a heavy sentence indeed to someone who once ate Tex-Mex for every meal straight for a week, mostly for the hot sauce.

So now I'm sitting here with a nauseas stomach and heartburn and my folks are due to arrive in about an hour. And I've volunteered to have supper ready. File that under the "What was I thinking" category. The good news is that they'll be here a little less than a week and we eat most meals out with them here. So no more cooking for me for a while.

Subject change....
I was in the dressing room at the Y this morning and I overheard a young girl ask an obviously pregnant woman "Are you going to have a baby?". That made me stop and think. What would I answer if she had asked me? Something along the lines of... well, I'm pregnant but I don't know for sure that I'm actually going to have a baby. And then, for some reason, I brought to mind the term that my folks tend to use: expecting. All of a sudden I saw that term in a whole different light and realized how apt it is. I'm expecting a baby. So much hope and expectations beneath the surface. I don't know how it will all play out. But right now I'm expecting. Trying to expect good things. Trying to anticipate the best. But not really knowing.

I'm expecting.

12 Weeks

On the home front, we had a wonderful time on our anniversary trip. J ended up getting off of work a little early so we were able to spend time together Friday night. Our trip to Cincinnati was very relaxing and refreshing. We found the motorcycle shop and got J outfitted from head to toe! He was so excited that he honestly couldn't sleep Saturday night. He is out today looking at a motorcycle to buy that I fully expect he will bring home. The insurance cost caught me a bit by surprise though. $150 a year to insure him. As with most things in our budget, it's not a huge amount but conspires with everything else to add up after a while. I came home to the hugest hug I've ever gotten from G although I found out that the runny nose she had Friday night turned into a full-blown cold over the weekend. But my friend said it didn't slow her down a bit except to wipe her nose every now and then. She had a lot of fun but I think she was glad to see me.

On the baby front, I'm hanging in there. I actually haven't had time recently to try my doppler although I hope to tonight. Most evenings I still have a bit of nausea although it's manageable and I'm able to eat a wider range of foods now. I almost hesitate to write this but this is the place where I deal with my feelings so here goes: Over the recent weeks I've gotten rather pessimistic about this pregnancy. I thought my feelings would turn more optimistic over time but they haven't. I just can't get into the mind-set that this pregnancy is going to work out. I don't feel any of the things I did with G. I don't feel like I am carrying around a new little life. I just feel like I'm getting fat. It's hard to explain really. Sometimes I am really convinced that there's something wrong with the baby and that sooner or later we are going to find it out. Until then, I feel like I'm just biding my time. Sometimes I even catch myself making mental plans about what I'm going to do after all this is over and it's down to the three of this. I suspect that these feelings are related to my lurking depression. Some might be tempted to tell me to just shrug them off, think positively. But it just doesn't work that way. All I feel like I can do right now is try to get through with the least impact on those around me. That's where I am at this moment. I hope it changes for the better and soon!

I have to get on to my next task which is wrapping Christmas gifts. There's probably something fundamentally wrong about wrapping Christmas gifts in October. Even if it is cold outside and snow was flurrying this morning. But my folks are coming in tomorrow and I need to have all this stuff ready to send back with them. Ho Ho Ho!

11w4d: Free!

I feel a certain amount of guilt when I say that I am free for the next 48 hours. My good friend just came and left with my daughter. No matter how much I love my daughter, I have to admit that the prospect of 48 hours without her makes me ecstatic. Of course I will miss her smile and her laugh and her witty conversation. On the flip side... no diapers, no whining, no spanking, no Barney. Perhaps not the fairest of trades but I'm muddling through. J and I are supposed to leave bright and early tomorrow morning to head for a nearby city. He doesn't know this but I plan to take him to a motorcycle apparal shop and let him shop to his heart's content. I hope he finds something because that's my anniversary gift. You'd think 10 years would warrant a more exciting present but that's the best I could come up with. At the moment, however, his flight is delayed and it's looking more and more like he might not be able to get home tonight. The best laid plans.... At any rate, we'll end up at a swank hotel tomorrow night (hopefully) and revel in being childless once more. Until we start to miss it and decide to come home!

11w1d: Doubts Creep In

Confession: my last ultrasound coasted me for a mere 8 days. I probably won't have another one for several months. How in the world will I cope? You see, today was a pretty good day. I took my portion of lunch and split it in half. I ate one half for lunch and then the other half a few hours later. I haven't felt sick all day. I felt up to skipping my nap today and doing the grocery shopping instead. Then I came home and cooked dinner. Yes, I actually cooked for the first time in two months. I feel fairly certain I'll be able to make it till at least 9:30 tonight before crashing. That's what I'm shooting for anyway. So all this good karma has gotten me focused, of course, on why things are so good at the moment. You know, I don't think getting out of the first trimester is going to do anything at all for my mental state. Making it to 9 months..... maybe.

11 Weeks

Okay, I'll admit it: every time I roll over to a new "week" I think "gee, I didn't think I'd make it this far". Every day that passes makes me just a little more secure in the pregnancy. But I'd be lying if I said I never went to the bathroom expecting blood or if I said that I can look into next year and imagine actually having a baby.

Biggest news: I'm done with my progesterone! One night last week I was getting ready for bed and something kept nagging me; I kept thinking there was something important that I'd forgotten to do. Just as I was climbing into bed I realized that I had forgotten to do the progesterone. I will so not miss doing that. I am proud to say that not once did I drop one of those little 1/4" round balls into the toilet.

I'm too big for my regular clothes but none of my maternity pants really fit. I was lucky enough to find a pair of pants in the juniors department at Target the other day that actually fits. And I think they will continue to fit throughout the pregnancy. Unfortunately they only had one color that I was interested in. I've gained about 5 pounds so far which is rather more than I had wanted. With G I gained almost 40# total and I had hoped to keep it closer to 30 this time. We'll see. Over the course of the last few weeks my boobs have gone from barely filling an A cup to comfortably fitting in a C! I've never minded being flat-chested so actually having to wear a bra is not exactly a comfortable feeling for me.

Last night I found the baby's heartbeat for a few seconds with the doppler. Can't tell you how good that sounded.

I finally was able to get an appointment with the midwife but not until 13 weeks. I had to work around J's schedule so that I don't have to take G to that first appointment. One of the things I like about their office is that they have a separate play-room for kids so I shouldn't have to work around anything for future appointments. But I figure the first one will take longer with paperwork and such.

The worst of my nausea is gone (knock on wood). Now, usually in the late afternoons through the early evening, I just feel like I have a yucky stomach. It's still hard for me to find things to eat though. And I got so out of the habit of cooking the last 6 weeks or so that it's going to take some doing to get back into it.

Next week is my and J's 10th wedding anniversary! This weekend my good friend is taking G starting Friday night through Sunday! We are looking forward to going out on the town and remembering what life was like before having a child.

10w3d

Shhhh!! Don't tell anyone: I didn't feel sick at all today. In fact, this evening I've eaten four bowls of the soup I cooked for supper. I just can't seem to get enough. I'm not holding my breath that this trend will continue but it sure was nice for a day.

10w1d

Yes, I did mean in my last post to type 32mm for the baby's length. Chalk it up to pregnancy brain.

I went shopping today. I was out for about 4 hours. I am so tired I can hardly think straight. I didn't know it was possible to be this tired. The good news is that I haven't been bothered by nausea today.

10 Week Ultrasound

Great report from the ultrasound today. Baby is measuring almost 32 cm which is 10w1d according to this table. On the machine you could clearly see the baby's fingers and toes. But of course none of the printed pictures came out that well. This is the best one; the baby is looking straight on into the camera as it were. You can see the fingers on the right hand and you can just make out the left hand. The baby's legs are bent and look more like several little blobs. The baby was moving around quite a bit.




I wish I could say that I feel totally at ease now; totally accepting of this pregnancy. That would be a lie though. But I do feel better, mentally and physically at this moment. Next step: schedule the midwife appointment.

10 Weeks

I wish I could say that my nausea just kept getting better and better until it is all gone now. I really wish I could say that. The truth is something closer to this: I have good days and not-so-good days but I haven't had any more really bad days (knock on wood). I still feel nauseous off and on throughout the day, usually when I get hungry. And that seems to be constantly these days. My problem lately has been finding things I want to eat. I seem to crave mostly carbs, which seems to be a common theme amongst people around this time. Last night I got hungry for fried rice. I told my darling hubby this just as he was crawling into bed after a shower. He didn't even grumble all that much as he put his clothes back on to go get me some. He's definitely a keeper.

The fatigue is also still with me. I can't remember with G if that gets better or not. I have to have an afternoon nap every day and even then I'm ready for bed by 9. I'm sleeping a little better at night; not waking up quite as much.

Of course, I'm very nervous about the ultrasound today. This will be my last one till the normal 18-20 week one. I've considered long and hard the last week or so whether to have the nuchal fold ultrasound test done. That's the one that can determine with a fair degree of accuracy your risk for the baby having Down's or some other chromosomal problem. The key word there is "risk". I already have a higher than average risk given my age. On the one hand, I'm not necessarily going to terminate a pregnancy if there's a problem. On the other hand, it might be nice to know there's a problem to be prepared. In the end I decided against it mainly because I already know I have a higher than normal risk and I don't necessarily need to be reminded of that. The test was not even a consideration with G; I'm not sure why I'm fixating on it so much this time around. I seriously doubt whether my midwife even has it as an option. So there. Decision made!

Things have been somewhat stressful around here of late and my reaction to stress is usually depression. More so than normal (for me anyway). J has been wonderful but even he doesn't really understand. So the other thing I'm stressing over right now is whether or not to get some professional help. G has already developed a pattern of dealing with anger that is directly from me and one that I'd rather she hadn't picked up. I'm so afraid that prolonged exposure to my illness will seriously affect her. But I know that what I experience is not bad enough to expose my other child to drugs at this point and drugs won't be an option for a long time as I intend to breastfeed as long as possible. So I'm stuck in a quandary. Quagmire. I always did like that word.

Tomorrow morning I'm getting up bright and early to go get my Christmas shopping done. Yes, I'm always this insanely prepared and yes, I usually start this early. Actually, I'm feeling a little behind this year. My folks are coming to visit in a few weeks and I always like to have all the gifts bought for my family down there so I can just send them with my folks and save shipping costs. Not that it's really a huge issue as I mostly seem to buy gift cards anymore. But I have to at least go looking. I told J I'd definitely be back by naptime because I'll probably be completely and totally exhausted by then!

9w3d: Nausea continues to abate!

Another day where I'm feeling closer and closer to normal. I was just looking back over my posts and the nausea started a little over 5 weeks. I can't believe I've dealt with it for almost a month! No wonder I feel like I'm coming out of a tunnel. But, of course, the disappearance of symptoms scares the crap out of me. Or, maybe I should say it scares the hell out of me because not a whole lot is helping in the crap department (sorry, that was a bit crass....). I've done some reading though and it seems that constipation is mainly the culprit of increased progesterone relaxing the digestive trac (amongst other things). So I'm hoping that stopping the supplements in a little over a week will help. And, of course, the ultrasound is on Monday and that will help in the mental department.

For the first time in weeks, I can actually see the floor of my office now that all the toys are picked up. In addition to a food aversion, I seem to have had a scrapbook aversion these last few weeks so I'm hoping I can get inspired soon to catch up on a few projects. Cleaning up the kitchen is the next task on the list but it's going to have to wait until after my nap!

9w2d

Another semi-good day. Nausea is still there but is manegable. In a wild fit of .... something.... last week I bought a doppler off of ebay. I haven't tried it yet as the heartbeat can't usually be heard until 10 weeks at the very earliest. I'll probably try it after the ultrasound next Monday.

In other news, my hubby seems to be having another midlife crisis. I say "another" because, well, he's already got the convertible, airplane, and he's already made the midlife career change. Last week someone let him ride their motorbike. He got up Monday morning early and went to get his learner's permit. Said person has loaned him the motorbike to learn on. I'm sure it won't be long till we posses one. I suppose there's worse things....

9w1d: Secret

Shhhh! Don't tell anyone!!

I felt almost normal today.

I'm afraid to say that too loud lest the gods of nausea strike me double tomorrow. Don't get me wrong: I still felt sick, just a little less so than normal. The only difference was that this morning J took me out for pancakes and bacon. Usually I end up leaving about half the pancakes. Today I cleaned my plate plus some of G's and all my bacon. I was full but I wouldn't call it stuffed. If the nausea comes back tomorrow, you can bet the next day I'll be at the local diner stocking up on pancakes and bacon again! Or maybe it was having an impromptu lunch in the park with a good friend in beautiful weather. I don't know. All I know is by the afternoon I was remembering what it was like to feel human again. I even had J take us out for ice cream tonight. And to top it all off, G was having one of her "days", complete with about half a dozen temper tantrums. And I felt almost normal. Scary stuff.

6 more days until my next ultrasound!

9 weeks

Every time I complete a week, I feel like saying "I can't believe I made it this far"! When I turned my calendar from August to September, it was with much trepidation that I wrote in each of the weeks in September. I'd be lying if I said there was no hesitation in writing the weeks in October. But it was so nice to look at all the milestones that I will (hopefully) make this month:

• I have my last ultrasound next Monday
• I get to stop the progesterone on the 15th. That will see me to the end of the 10th week, by which time the placenta should be fully functioning
• By the end of the month I will officially be out of the first trimester

Last week I went through the closet containing all my maternity and nursing clothes. Funny thing, I didn't remember having quite that many! I think I picked up a few pairs of pants in the last 2 years. I got out all the pants and washed them. I'll probably start wearing them this week.

I almost don't want to say this but I think the nausea is just one notch slightly better in the last few days. Not gone by any stretch of the imagination but life seems more bearable the last few days. Several times J has been on the point of criticizing my diet of late but he stops short when I tell him to start cooking! Poor G has eaten very little besides chicken nuggets and mac & cheese for the last couple of weeks. One night she said she wanted spagetti so I opened a can of spagettios. As for me, I can tolerate baked potatoes and salads (Wendys!) and at night I can stomach instant mashed potatoes. Before bed at night I've been eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwhich and that sits pretty well and gets me through the night. Yes folks, that's been my diet the last week or more. One night last week we went out with some friends and I had pizza but the heartburn from the tomato sauce was so bad I've decided to never eat tomato sauce again ;-> When all else fails I can usually keep down jello and I try to eat applesauce sometime during the day although honestly I can't see that it really helps the plumbing problems.

I talk to my Mom every Sunday night and I told her the news last night. I was going to wait till they come for a visit in a few weeks but I decided I didn't want to be all nervous about how to tell them. So I decided on the spur of the moment to tell her when she asked how I'd been doing. She was, of course, very excited.