I just finished another 4 hour Bramwell marathon. And I ordered the rest of the series from half.com since my library doesn't seem to carry it.
I had somewhat of a revalation today. I don't want to offend any of my readers that don't have children yet but I need to write it down. Over the last two days I have done much thinking and been deeply affected by the situation of my friend and her son who is showing symptoms of autism. It's made me take a good long look at my own life and my beautiful daughter. Today I went to get Grace up from her nap and she usually greets me jumping up and down in the crib, but today she was still laying down wrapped up in her blanket quietly talking to Elmo. Even when I stood over her crib she just looked up at me. She had a bit of a fever and obviously didn't feel well. She's got a terrible diaper rash and those are never good days at our house. But when I first walked in a saw her there my stomach just about dropped out of me. I wanted to grab her up and shake her and hold her and make sure she was 100% okay. But I realized that I can never be 100% certain that she is okay. She is the greatest, most precious gift of my life but I have no guarantee that that gift will be there tomorrow. Somehow it made me realize that, even if I'm never able to have another child, I have been blessed beyond measure with the one I do have.
I'm not saying that I'm giving up hope of ever having another baby. I will continue to do whatever I possibly can to have another one. But somewhere along the way today, I think I came to terms with it being okay if I don't. I think I'll live.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Insurance
I don't get it. I'm currently paying $439 every six months with AllState for auto insurance. I sat down today to get a quote from Geico. Almost double! $756!! About once a year I reprice the auto insurance and Geico consistently comes up higher. So I feel compelled to take this opportunity, while I'm on the subject, of admitting something: I own 3 cars. Yes, me who cloth diapers and recycles and drinks organic milk. I own 3 cars.
J brought a car to our marriage: a 1991 Isuzu Trooper that looks like a box, sounds like a freight train, is rusting away as we speak, and remarkably still runs. He can't bring himself to part with it. I learned to drive a stick in it so I'm rather attached as well. If you can drive this car, you can drive a stick in anything! Plus if the weather is really icy, you can put it in 4 wheel drive and get where you're going without worrying if you happen to run into something.
The year after we got married, J bought me the car of my dreams: a green Mazda Miata. 2 seater. Topless. It's just beautiful. Or was until my BIL backed into it and dented the back. I suppose we'll get it fixed someday. It's a fun little car to drive around though and we can't come up with any good reason to sell it. Besides, it gets the best gas mileage of all our cars.
Then there's the Nissan Xterra: my workhorse car. We weren't factoring in kids when we bought it though and let me tell you, hefting up a toddler into that carseat is a workout in and of itself. Some days I drive around in the fog of a dream of having a plain ole 4 door sedan. One that gets awesome gas mileage preferrably. This one definitely needs to visit the shop as the gas mileage on it has gone from bad to worse in the last year or so.
So there's my confession. I own 3 cars. Two of which get very bad gas mileage. Shame, shame on me.
J brought a car to our marriage: a 1991 Isuzu Trooper that looks like a box, sounds like a freight train, is rusting away as we speak, and remarkably still runs. He can't bring himself to part with it. I learned to drive a stick in it so I'm rather attached as well. If you can drive this car, you can drive a stick in anything! Plus if the weather is really icy, you can put it in 4 wheel drive and get where you're going without worrying if you happen to run into something.
The year after we got married, J bought me the car of my dreams: a green Mazda Miata. 2 seater. Topless. It's just beautiful. Or was until my BIL backed into it and dented the back. I suppose we'll get it fixed someday. It's a fun little car to drive around though and we can't come up with any good reason to sell it. Besides, it gets the best gas mileage of all our cars.
Then there's the Nissan Xterra: my workhorse car. We weren't factoring in kids when we bought it though and let me tell you, hefting up a toddler into that carseat is a workout in and of itself. Some days I drive around in the fog of a dream of having a plain ole 4 door sedan. One that gets awesome gas mileage preferrably. This one definitely needs to visit the shop as the gas mileage on it has gone from bad to worse in the last year or so.
So there's my confession. I own 3 cars. Two of which get very bad gas mileage. Shame, shame on me.
Bramwell
I love getting packages in the mail. Sometimes I go on an ebay buying spree and it is so fun to watch the packages roll in. J always gives me a hard time because if I've bought several things I sometimes don't know exactly what's in the package. It's like Christmas all over again. Anyway, today I got a big fat package of 50 OPKs from Baby-Wishes. They're only like 40 cents each when you buy that many so I don't feel too bad about starting to test too early. The pessimistic side of me wanted to buy plenty to get me through trying to get pregnant again. The optimistic side of me says I'll give 45 of them away to some lucky soul as I won't be needing them. We'll see which side wins.
Tonight I started watching a DVD of the TV series called Bramwell. It is from 1995 and it looks like something that would air on PBS. Great series! It is about a woman in Victorian England in 1895 whose father allowed her to train as a doctor. A family friend finances starting a clinic in London's East End and the show is all about her struggles not only to treat the working poor of England but also to be accepted as a real doctor. I would highly recommend it. If you do watch it, I would caution that there is a segment at the end of the first disc where a woman dies in a pretty bloody childbirth. It's hard to watch but then again, I needed a good cry. Some of the scenes are pretty gross in my opinion but from the occassional commercials I see, it's nothing worse than stuff on network TV these days. The whole culture of Victorian times fascinates me. Women were assumed to be hysterical and routinely were subjected to hysterectomies to "calm them down". They were not expected to have brains. They were not even supposed to know about the facts of life! How far we have come. Anyway, I watched 3 hours tonight and I'm only halfway through the second of three discs. The cover says it's the complete first season so I'll definitely have to research if there were other seasons. I'm a fan!
Tonight I started watching a DVD of the TV series called Bramwell. It is from 1995 and it looks like something that would air on PBS. Great series! It is about a woman in Victorian England in 1895 whose father allowed her to train as a doctor. A family friend finances starting a clinic in London's East End and the show is all about her struggles not only to treat the working poor of England but also to be accepted as a real doctor. I would highly recommend it. If you do watch it, I would caution that there is a segment at the end of the first disc where a woman dies in a pretty bloody childbirth. It's hard to watch but then again, I needed a good cry. Some of the scenes are pretty gross in my opinion but from the occassional commercials I see, it's nothing worse than stuff on network TV these days. The whole culture of Victorian times fascinates me. Women were assumed to be hysterical and routinely were subjected to hysterectomies to "calm them down". They were not expected to have brains. They were not even supposed to know about the facts of life! How far we have come. Anyway, I watched 3 hours tonight and I'm only halfway through the second of three discs. The cover says it's the complete first season so I'll definitely have to research if there were other seasons. I'm a fan!
Friday, March 10, 2006
A Hush-hush topic!
I've been thinking to write an entry about a certain topic for a while now but was rather afraid it might sound too weird. Well, here I go in all my weirdness!
Back about 5 years ago I started using cloth pads rather than disposable ones. I don't remember particularly where I first got the interest; probably some random web page I stumbled on while surfing. But it got me doing some research on all those disposable pads almost all of us use.
Most pads are made of paper pulp bleached white with chlorine gas, and the toxic chemicals from this process goes from the factories into the rivers and oceans where it harms all sorts of wildlife, including humans. This is a problem with everything made of paper in our society today. So, just from the ecological point of view, disposable pads are hard on the environment.
Many people say that disposable diapers are bad for the earth because they end up clogging landfills. But what most women don't stop to think about is that the plastic liners that make pads leak-proof are made of the same materials as disposable diapers. Think about how many pads one woman uses in her lifetime and how much that is apt to clog up a landfill. Not to mention the individual wrappings on each pad!
If you are big on saving the earth, you might definitely want to consider using cloth pads. But the biggest selling point I have found is the effect they have on your body. I have personally had 2 friends who had very painful periods every month. I mean, these gals missed work one or more days a month from the cramps. I convinced both of them to give cloth a go and neither has looked back. They both report having much lighter periods, much much lighter cramps and no more missed work. If that isn't a major selling point I don't know what is! I'm still trying to do the research on exactly how the cloth helps in this regard but I seem to remember from earlier research that it possibly has to do with the way the gel in the disposies pulls the stuff out of your body. When there's nothing to pull it out, it just comes out naturally much easier.
Right after the Little Miss was born I was stupid enough to use disposables (after about 3 years in cloth) because the hospital provided them. 2 weeks later I ended up with the most horrid rash. Not a good thing on a post-partum bum!
I think a lot of women just don't realize that an alternative to disposable pads exist. So I thought I would bring it to more people's attention. The brand I started out with is called Many Moons. They have served me well but I wouldn't necessarily recommend them. They are the type that have a liner that you have to fold up and insert into the pad. Not really hard but just a pain when you're doing laundry. I ended up sewing all my liners in just to not have to deal with it. Although I see now that their liners are just one piece that you don't have to fold so that would be a lot better than what I have.
Last year, in anticipation of actually having a baby, I bought some post-partum pads from Pretty Pads and I would definitly recommend them. As my Many Moons pads start to wear out, I will replace them with Pretty Pads. They are an all-in-one design (no liner to fold up) and they are very well.
Some might think that laundering would be a pain. When I first got mine, I soaked them and Boraxed them. But now-days I put them in a plastic bag as I use them and then at the end of my period (which usually only lasts 3-4 days) I throw them all into the washer on the sanitary cycle. So it's really only 1 extra load of laundry a month. Mine are pretty stained but I know they're clean and no one else sees them so it's no big deal. I wore my post-partum ones several times during this last miscarriage and they are fleece-topped and didn't stain at all.
Initial costs will vary depending on what you buy. I think when I originally bought mine I spent less than $100. They can easily pay for themselves in just a few months! I gradually added to my stash so that I can now go my whole period without having to wash. I also have some for night-time use which is nice. Most places say the pads will last 4-6 years. My original ones are going on 5 years and I can't see they will need replacing anytime soon. It helps that I have a large stash but I also wear them every day outside my period for added protection. Even with constant wear, they are holding up great.
There are other alternatives of course. There are menstrual cups and there are a variety of organic disposable pads that are much better on your body and the environment.
I'd really encourage you, if you've never given it a second thought, to think about the alternatives the next time you buy a box of disposables (diapers too but I'll save that for another post!). There's a wealth of options out there these days (there were very few choices back when I bought mine) and there are lots of home-based businesses on ebay selling them. You can get enough of a stash to try without investing much money.
Back about 5 years ago I started using cloth pads rather than disposable ones. I don't remember particularly where I first got the interest; probably some random web page I stumbled on while surfing. But it got me doing some research on all those disposable pads almost all of us use.
Most pads are made of paper pulp bleached white with chlorine gas, and the toxic chemicals from this process goes from the factories into the rivers and oceans where it harms all sorts of wildlife, including humans. This is a problem with everything made of paper in our society today. So, just from the ecological point of view, disposable pads are hard on the environment.
Many people say that disposable diapers are bad for the earth because they end up clogging landfills. But what most women don't stop to think about is that the plastic liners that make pads leak-proof are made of the same materials as disposable diapers. Think about how many pads one woman uses in her lifetime and how much that is apt to clog up a landfill. Not to mention the individual wrappings on each pad!
If you are big on saving the earth, you might definitely want to consider using cloth pads. But the biggest selling point I have found is the effect they have on your body. I have personally had 2 friends who had very painful periods every month. I mean, these gals missed work one or more days a month from the cramps. I convinced both of them to give cloth a go and neither has looked back. They both report having much lighter periods, much much lighter cramps and no more missed work. If that isn't a major selling point I don't know what is! I'm still trying to do the research on exactly how the cloth helps in this regard but I seem to remember from earlier research that it possibly has to do with the way the gel in the disposies pulls the stuff out of your body. When there's nothing to pull it out, it just comes out naturally much easier.
Right after the Little Miss was born I was stupid enough to use disposables (after about 3 years in cloth) because the hospital provided them. 2 weeks later I ended up with the most horrid rash. Not a good thing on a post-partum bum!
I think a lot of women just don't realize that an alternative to disposable pads exist. So I thought I would bring it to more people's attention. The brand I started out with is called Many Moons. They have served me well but I wouldn't necessarily recommend them. They are the type that have a liner that you have to fold up and insert into the pad. Not really hard but just a pain when you're doing laundry. I ended up sewing all my liners in just to not have to deal with it. Although I see now that their liners are just one piece that you don't have to fold so that would be a lot better than what I have.
Last year, in anticipation of actually having a baby, I bought some post-partum pads from Pretty Pads and I would definitly recommend them. As my Many Moons pads start to wear out, I will replace them with Pretty Pads. They are an all-in-one design (no liner to fold up) and they are very well.
Some might think that laundering would be a pain. When I first got mine, I soaked them and Boraxed them. But now-days I put them in a plastic bag as I use them and then at the end of my period (which usually only lasts 3-4 days) I throw them all into the washer on the sanitary cycle. So it's really only 1 extra load of laundry a month. Mine are pretty stained but I know they're clean and no one else sees them so it's no big deal. I wore my post-partum ones several times during this last miscarriage and they are fleece-topped and didn't stain at all.
Initial costs will vary depending on what you buy. I think when I originally bought mine I spent less than $100. They can easily pay for themselves in just a few months! I gradually added to my stash so that I can now go my whole period without having to wash. I also have some for night-time use which is nice. Most places say the pads will last 4-6 years. My original ones are going on 5 years and I can't see they will need replacing anytime soon. It helps that I have a large stash but I also wear them every day outside my period for added protection. Even with constant wear, they are holding up great.
There are other alternatives of course. There are menstrual cups and there are a variety of organic disposable pads that are much better on your body and the environment.
I'd really encourage you, if you've never given it a second thought, to think about the alternatives the next time you buy a box of disposables (diapers too but I'll save that for another post!). There's a wealth of options out there these days (there were very few choices back when I bought mine) and there are lots of home-based businesses on ebay selling them. You can get enough of a stash to try without investing much money.
One of those days
I am in tears today; it's just such a horribly bad day.
It started off with a call to find out my hormone levels. On Monday they were at 251. I had so hoped and believed they were much lower. They are halving about every 60 hours. At that rate, it will be another week or two before they are down. Which means that I most likely did not ovulate this week as I thought although my temp was still up this morning. My body is playing tricks on me and I just hate it.
Then I got an email this morning from a good friend and she says her 2 year old son is showing symptoms of autism. This is the most unbelievably cute blue-eyed, blond-haired child that you can imagine. It is just so unfair that even after you have them they can be taken away from you in some form or fashion. It just makes me so angry that she is having to deal with everything that she is. It sucks.
So, today is definitely one of those "just ducky" kind of days.
It started off with a call to find out my hormone levels. On Monday they were at 251. I had so hoped and believed they were much lower. They are halving about every 60 hours. At that rate, it will be another week or two before they are down. Which means that I most likely did not ovulate this week as I thought although my temp was still up this morning. My body is playing tricks on me and I just hate it.
Then I got an email this morning from a good friend and she says her 2 year old son is showing symptoms of autism. This is the most unbelievably cute blue-eyed, blond-haired child that you can imagine. It is just so unfair that even after you have them they can be taken away from you in some form or fashion. It just makes me so angry that she is having to deal with everything that she is. It sucks.
So, today is definitely one of those "just ducky" kind of days.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Poor Little Egg
"Holy Smokes Batman!" I think I ovulated yesterday. Last night I had some intense pain that was remarkably similar to ovulation pain and my temp this morning was well into the post-ovulation range. I wasn't even thinking about doing OPKs this early (yesterday was only CD10) so I'll have to get a few more days of temps. But I'm 99% certain my temp this morning was accurate. It was just killing me last night, knowing that there was probably a little eggie in there and no spermies to try and keep it company. Poor little egg. It never had a chance.
I never dared to hope that I would ovulate this early. If I'm correct and my LP is the usual length, I should start my next cycle the 19th or 20th. That will put the HSG towards the end of March and hopefully the next shot at trying around the first of April. That's assuming that the HSG doesn't turn up anything. I'm not sure how I feel about wanting to find something or not. If we did find something, it might provide some explanations for at least the first m/c. On the other hand, finding something wrong would definitely set us back. My OB mentioned that a possible problem might be scarring from the D&C. I haven't done a lot of research on that just because I don't want to worry about something that might not even be a problem.
Well, enough rambling for one day. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for another higher temp tomorrow. I wasn't able to get ahold of the nurse today to find out my HCG numbers but hopefully I'll find out tomorrow. For the first time in a long time, things are looking up.
I never dared to hope that I would ovulate this early. If I'm correct and my LP is the usual length, I should start my next cycle the 19th or 20th. That will put the HSG towards the end of March and hopefully the next shot at trying around the first of April. That's assuming that the HSG doesn't turn up anything. I'm not sure how I feel about wanting to find something or not. If we did find something, it might provide some explanations for at least the first m/c. On the other hand, finding something wrong would definitely set us back. My OB mentioned that a possible problem might be scarring from the D&C. I haven't done a lot of research on that just because I don't want to worry about something that might not even be a problem.
Well, enough rambling for one day. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for another higher temp tomorrow. I wasn't able to get ahold of the nurse today to find out my HCG numbers but hopefully I'll find out tomorrow. For the first time in a long time, things are looking up.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Walk The Line
Tonight we watched "Walk The Line", the life story of Johnny Cash. I have to say that overall it was a good movie although some parts were a little slow. If you like old fashioned Southern gospel music, you'll enjoy the first part of the movie. And if you like Johnny Cash, there are plenty of songs to keep you entertained. Reese Witherspoon did a great job as June Carter.
When I talked about my new BBT yesterday, I forgot to mention one important point: my old BD thermometer measured only in tenths; the new Mabis one measures in hundredths of degrees. That wasn't a big selling feature for me as my temperature shifts are always large enough to detect. But I thought I would mention it to be fair.
Still waiting to get my HCG numbers back. I'll call tomorrow and hopefully find out.
When I talked about my new BBT yesterday, I forgot to mention one important point: my old BD thermometer measured only in tenths; the new Mabis one measures in hundredths of degrees. That wasn't a big selling feature for me as my temperature shifts are always large enough to detect. But I thought I would mention it to be fair.
Still waiting to get my HCG numbers back. I'll call tomorrow and hopefully find out.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Thermometer
Thanks Lorem for the suggestion about the sponge. I looked into it and the rates of protection are about 85-90% depending on how well it's used. I'm really tempted to try it but I think I would be worried the whole time about that other 10-15%. It really, really, really sucks that I have that worry at this point in time! For now I think we'll just continue to be intimate without actually having intercourse. I'm hoping it'll only be for a few more weeks. Knock on wood, I didn't have any spotting at all today so I'm really curious to see what my hormone levels are at.
I promised a review of my new BBT. The one I got is branded as "Mabis" but it looks like it's also marketed as "Fairhaven Health". The old one I have is a BD brand. The Mabis/Fairhaven one looks to be a good thermometer. My main beef with the BD is that it beeps every few seconds while taking your temp which drives me nuts. The Mabis one only beeps when it's done. The plus about the BD is that it has a backlight which the Mabis does not. For now I'm turning on the light and noting the temp and then turning it back on later to see how well the memory works. So far, flawlessly.
All in all, I'll keep using the Mabis because the beeping of the BD is more annoying to me than not having a backlight. From all my research, I couldn't find a BBT that doesn't beep AND has a backlight. It's as frustrating as trying to find 100% trustworthy contraception when you should be trying to get pregnant.
I promised a review of my new BBT. The one I got is branded as "Mabis" but it looks like it's also marketed as "Fairhaven Health". The old one I have is a BD brand. The Mabis/Fairhaven one looks to be a good thermometer. My main beef with the BD is that it beeps every few seconds while taking your temp which drives me nuts. The Mabis one only beeps when it's done. The plus about the BD is that it has a backlight which the Mabis does not. For now I'm turning on the light and noting the temp and then turning it back on later to see how well the memory works. So far, flawlessly.
All in all, I'll keep using the Mabis because the beeping of the BD is more annoying to me than not having a backlight. From all my research, I couldn't find a BBT that doesn't beep AND has a backlight. It's as frustrating as trying to find 100% trustworthy contraception when you should be trying to get pregnant.
I Hate Condoms
J and I haven't, er, connected in quite a while. Even before I started spotting I was afraid to do anything that might bring on spotting. So last night I decided it was high time we got back together. Which leads me to the title of this post.
First off, I must have missed some fundamental lesson in health class as to how to get the damn things on. It seems impossible to roll it down all the way. After about 3 tries we finally got it down far enough. Or so I thought.
Which brings me to the second annoyance: they are not comfortable at all. Maybe we didn't get it on far enough. Or maybe I was just not ready after so long. At any rate, our attempt ended with me in tears and J beside himself to know what to do. He said he didn't trust himself to pull out in time which is what we did after the last miscarriage. I guess he's been neglected too long this time.
So, he is now eagerly praying for ovulation because passing that event is the only way he's going to get any. I'm packaging up all the leftover condoms to send to a friend of mine who I know will use them. I'm done with them.
First off, I must have missed some fundamental lesson in health class as to how to get the damn things on. It seems impossible to roll it down all the way. After about 3 tries we finally got it down far enough. Or so I thought.
Which brings me to the second annoyance: they are not comfortable at all. Maybe we didn't get it on far enough. Or maybe I was just not ready after so long. At any rate, our attempt ended with me in tears and J beside himself to know what to do. He said he didn't trust himself to pull out in time which is what we did after the last miscarriage. I guess he's been neglected too long this time.
So, he is now eagerly praying for ovulation because passing that event is the only way he's going to get any. I'm packaging up all the leftover condoms to send to a friend of mine who I know will use them. I'm done with them.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Movies
The local video store had a three-fer this weekend. J and I watched two of them.
Red Eye: Lame lame lame. Did I mention it was lame?
Bewitched: Cute. Good movie to chill with, especially if you grew up watching Elizabeth Montgomery.
The last movie was one I've been dieing to see: Pride and Prejudice. I had my doubts about it because I just couldn't imagine anyone as Mr. Darcy but Colin Firth. All in all though, I think this is my new favorite. Keira Knightly was a very enchanting Elizabeth and Judi Dench stole the show as the Lady Catherine de Bourg. I love this time period and I love the story.
So, give Pride and Prejudice a go, maybe see Bewitched, and please please please, leave Red Eye on the shelf.
Red Eye: Lame lame lame. Did I mention it was lame?
Bewitched: Cute. Good movie to chill with, especially if you grew up watching Elizabeth Montgomery.
The last movie was one I've been dieing to see: Pride and Prejudice. I had my doubts about it because I just couldn't imagine anyone as Mr. Darcy but Colin Firth. All in all though, I think this is my new favorite. Keira Knightly was a very enchanting Elizabeth and Judi Dench stole the show as the Lady Catherine de Bourg. I love this time period and I love the story.
So, give Pride and Prejudice a go, maybe see Bewitched, and please please please, leave Red Eye on the shelf.
Spring Cleaning
I'm so excited: I made huge progress today on getting the basement cleaned out. I generated at least 5 huge bags of trash and at least a dozen boxes and bags of stuff to donate. I went round and round on whether to garage sale or donate it all. Most of it is junky stuff but I'm sure I could make a couple hundred on a garage sale. But pricing it and setting it all up and messing with all that.... In the end I decided it was just too much hassle. So I'm carefully documenting everything and I'll hopefully come up with a nice tax write-off. Which is a pain in and of itself but not nearly as much as having a garage sale. The really sad thing is that I'm putting stuff in my donate piles that I bought last summer at garage sales.
I'm still spotting but only just a teeny tiny bit today. I'll get another beta done either tomorrow or Tuesday but it will be later in the week before I can get the results. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'm below 100 now. Last year I stopped spotting when my HCG hit 59. It's probably too much to hope that I could do the HSG at the end of March but maybe early April? My goal is to have a clean basement before my HSG.
I'm still spotting but only just a teeny tiny bit today. I'll get another beta done either tomorrow or Tuesday but it will be later in the week before I can get the results. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'm below 100 now. Last year I stopped spotting when my HCG hit 59. It's probably too much to hope that I could do the HSG at the end of March but maybe early April? My goal is to have a clean basement before my HSG.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Theology Debate Anyone?!
I was just going through all my scrapbook supplies to pick out embellishments for G's birthday layout. It's a process I love because of all the stuff I forget I have. One of the stickers that was floating around in my box was a scripture. I think I bought a sheet of these stickers for G's baptism layout. I'm not sure why this particular one was detached from the rest of the sheet. The scripture reads
Which really got me thinking.... When I conceived G, I prayed that we would be blessed with a healthy, happy child. That prayer was answered. When I conceived the second time, I prayed the same thing. That one apparantly did not get answered; at least not as a "yes". When I conceived the third time, I prayed the same thing. Another no.
So..... did I just not believe strongly enough the last two times? The scripture seems rather straightforward to me. Easy enough formula to follow: ask, believe, receive. And it says "all things". Not just some things. So why did the formula yield results the first time but not the second or third time? Is it a one-time formula per type of prayer?
I'm being somewhat tounge in cheek here. On the other hand, it is a valid question, isn't it?
Maybe I'm taking it out of context. In the preceeding verses, Jesus was walking with his disciples when they passed a fig tree. Jesus told the tree to whither and die and it did. The disciples of course, wanted to know how he'd done such a cool magic trick. So he told them:
Best I can figure out, somewhere between my first and second pregnancies, my faith diminished enough that the verse no longer applies to me. Which seems like a double slap in the face to me because how am I supposed to have more faith in God when he keeps doing bad things to me or at least allowing them to happen?
I'm particularly interested in anyone's opinions on this one.
And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall recieve. Matthew 21:22
Which really got me thinking.... When I conceived G, I prayed that we would be blessed with a healthy, happy child. That prayer was answered. When I conceived the second time, I prayed the same thing. That one apparantly did not get answered; at least not as a "yes". When I conceived the third time, I prayed the same thing. Another no.
So..... did I just not believe strongly enough the last two times? The scripture seems rather straightforward to me. Easy enough formula to follow: ask, believe, receive. And it says "all things". Not just some things. So why did the formula yield results the first time but not the second or third time? Is it a one-time formula per type of prayer?
I'm being somewhat tounge in cheek here. On the other hand, it is a valid question, isn't it?
Maybe I'm taking it out of context. In the preceeding verses, Jesus was walking with his disciples when they passed a fig tree. Jesus told the tree to whither and die and it did. The disciples of course, wanted to know how he'd done such a cool magic trick. So he told them:
Jesus said to them in reply, "Amen, I say to you, if you have faith and do not waver, not only will you do what has been done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, 'Be lifted up and thrown into the sea,' it will be done. Whatever you ask for in prayer with faith, you will receive.
Best I can figure out, somewhere between my first and second pregnancies, my faith diminished enough that the verse no longer applies to me. Which seems like a double slap in the face to me because how am I supposed to have more faith in God when he keeps doing bad things to me or at least allowing them to happen?
I'm particularly interested in anyone's opinions on this one.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Then 2 Steps Back
I thought I was making progress. Maybe my rant was too much for me. Just now I went to the bathroom to discover I had passed another blob of .... well, something. Just a little bleeding with it though so hopefully that's the end of it?
To offset that, I got a new BBT in the mail today. I've had mine for almost 3 years now and I was unable to locate replacement batteries last I looked. I decided to just replace it because it's one that beeps every few seconds while it's taking your temp. I'll write a review about my new one once I've tried it out for a while. I'll probably start back to temping soon. I don't expect it to tell me anything right away but I need to get back in the habit of temping every morning.
To offset that, I got a new BBT in the mail today. I've had mine for almost 3 years now and I was unable to locate replacement batteries last I looked. I decided to just replace it because it's one that beeps every few seconds while it's taking your temp. I'll write a review about my new one once I've tried it out for a while. I'll probably start back to temping soon. I don't expect it to tell me anything right away but I need to get back in the habit of temping every morning.
Progress
I just noticed: this is my 101st post!
I have only light spotting today. I was able to get back on my usual machine at the gym and do my old workout, albeit at level 1 instead of 5. Hopefully by the end of next week I'll be back up to my usual. I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight but I'd really like to knock off 5 more pounds. The older I get, the harder that seems to be to do. It didn't help that J brought me a box of chocolates to cheer to me up. Thoughtful and appreciated in spirit at least. It would be very heartless of me to not eat it, now wouldn't it?!
I just got back from the Methodist church's annual Rummage Sale. I love those things! I am a yard saler to the very core. Not only can I not bear to shop retail, I can't even shop sales. Although I did make an exception last week. A friend took me to Kohl's to try and get me out and cheer me up and we saw the cutest little bathing suit. We thought it was priced $27. Turns out, it was $27 PER PIECE. Didn't figure that out till they were ringing me up. But I decided to keep it. Very rarely does something jump out at me and I decided I wanted to treat myself. So, normally I shop rummage sales so I can splurge on the ocassional item.
Which brings me to my rant of the day: whining, screaming, crying kids. Now, having my own, I am not nearly so sensitive anymore to this. When it really grates on me though is when it is painfully obvious that the kids are whining, screaming, and crying because they are TIRED. I went to the rummage sale at 2:30pm. I realize that not every kid is on the same nap schedule as mine. But there were half a dozen moms in there that you had to wonder if they even had a nap schedule. Yes, I am very biased and openly critical on this subject. Toddlers and preschoolers can't physically make it all day without rest. Maybe they don't sleep. But they have to rest a while and process all that incredible information they've gleaned during the day. Yes, it's sometimes very inconvenient to have to go straight home so G can nap. But the reward is that when she gets up she is raring to go for another round. So, please Moms: don't subject me or anyone else to your crying, whining, screaming kids when you know good and well that they just need to be home in bed.
Rant ceased. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.
I have only light spotting today. I was able to get back on my usual machine at the gym and do my old workout, albeit at level 1 instead of 5. Hopefully by the end of next week I'll be back up to my usual. I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight but I'd really like to knock off 5 more pounds. The older I get, the harder that seems to be to do. It didn't help that J brought me a box of chocolates to cheer to me up. Thoughtful and appreciated in spirit at least. It would be very heartless of me to not eat it, now wouldn't it?!
I just got back from the Methodist church's annual Rummage Sale. I love those things! I am a yard saler to the very core. Not only can I not bear to shop retail, I can't even shop sales. Although I did make an exception last week. A friend took me to Kohl's to try and get me out and cheer me up and we saw the cutest little bathing suit. We thought it was priced $27. Turns out, it was $27 PER PIECE. Didn't figure that out till they were ringing me up. But I decided to keep it. Very rarely does something jump out at me and I decided I wanted to treat myself. So, normally I shop rummage sales so I can splurge on the ocassional item.
Which brings me to my rant of the day: whining, screaming, crying kids. Now, having my own, I am not nearly so sensitive anymore to this. When it really grates on me though is when it is painfully obvious that the kids are whining, screaming, and crying because they are TIRED. I went to the rummage sale at 2:30pm. I realize that not every kid is on the same nap schedule as mine. But there were half a dozen moms in there that you had to wonder if they even had a nap schedule. Yes, I am very biased and openly critical on this subject. Toddlers and preschoolers can't physically make it all day without rest. Maybe they don't sleep. But they have to rest a while and process all that incredible information they've gleaned during the day. Yes, it's sometimes very inconvenient to have to go straight home so G can nap. But the reward is that when she gets up she is raring to go for another round. So, please Moms: don't subject me or anyone else to your crying, whining, screaming kids when you know good and well that they just need to be home in bed.
Rant ceased. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Just Ducky
I desperately need a project that will occupy my time! In the meantime, I decided to scout out a new look and found this template.
Many times people will ask how I'm doing. Even (or maybe especially) when my good friends ask this question, I am sometimes at a loss for an answer. I'm existing. Sometimes I'm happy. Sometimes I'm very sad. It's very hard sometimes to see beyond the moment of wanting another child. So how do you answer? Usually I say I'm doing okay or fine. Sometimes, if they catch me at a bad time, I say I'm doing just peachy. Which, to all who know me, means that it is just not a good day to be asking me that question. Now I think I might have a better answer!
Many times people will ask how I'm doing. Even (or maybe especially) when my good friends ask this question, I am sometimes at a loss for an answer. I'm existing. Sometimes I'm happy. Sometimes I'm very sad. It's very hard sometimes to see beyond the moment of wanting another child. So how do you answer? Usually I say I'm doing okay or fine. Sometimes, if they catch me at a bad time, I say I'm doing just peachy. Which, to all who know me, means that it is just not a good day to be asking me that question. Now I think I might have a better answer!
Dare To Hope
I haven't had anything but spotting since yesterday evening. After my D&C I had spotting for 32 days. I so hope that this doesn't drag out like that. I suppose it's all based on how fast the hormones leave your system.
I came across a poem the other day by Emily Dickenson. She being one of my favorites, I'm surprised I've never seen this one before. Or maybe I have but it only now has a real significance to me. I've always wanted to name use the name Hope for a girl and my hopes of having that girl (or a boy!) someday make this poem even more special to me:
I came across a poem the other day by Emily Dickenson. She being one of my favorites, I'm surprised I've never seen this one before. Or maybe I have but it only now has a real significance to me. I've always wanted to name use the name Hope for a girl and my hopes of having that girl (or a boy!) someday make this poem even more special to me:
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Aviation
My bleeding picked up a little bit this morning and then I think I passed a little more tissue. I'm still trying to take it easy as I'm having a little pain down there like when I passed my sac. I had really hoped to be on the downside of the bleeding today.
On a good note I just finished my taxes. I have federal and state returns done by a CPA who specializes in airline pilot returns. She gets way more out of those per diem numbers than I could ever hope to. The good news is that we are getting refunds from federal, state, and local. Not hefty returns but at least I didn't get the government too big of a tax-free loan and I don't have to pay them anything else for last year.
Speaking of the airline industry, I haven't said much about J's uncertain future in that sector. But if you've been following the news, I imagine you've heard a lot lately about Northwests' bankruptcy and their trying to negotiate a new contract with their pilots. J works for a Northwest feeder, so all that will have a direct bearing on his future career plans. Fortunately for us, his previous career was in computers and he has heard from several past contacts lately wanting to know if he's looking to get back into his old career. I don't think he'd be out of a job for long. What worries me is the whole insurance thing. Our insurance right now is decent although it doesn't cover any infertility treatments. With this m/c though, I'm pretty sure we can get stuff paid for under the heading of recurrent m/c. What I dread is if we have to switch insurance plans midstream. But all that is so nebulous right now and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that nothing is going to happen in the next few months and hopefully we'll get the HSG out of the way. Keeping my fingers crossed...
On a good note I just finished my taxes. I have federal and state returns done by a CPA who specializes in airline pilot returns. She gets way more out of those per diem numbers than I could ever hope to. The good news is that we are getting refunds from federal, state, and local. Not hefty returns but at least I didn't get the government too big of a tax-free loan and I don't have to pay them anything else for last year.
Speaking of the airline industry, I haven't said much about J's uncertain future in that sector. But if you've been following the news, I imagine you've heard a lot lately about Northwests' bankruptcy and their trying to negotiate a new contract with their pilots. J works for a Northwest feeder, so all that will have a direct bearing on his future career plans. Fortunately for us, his previous career was in computers and he has heard from several past contacts lately wanting to know if he's looking to get back into his old career. I don't think he'd be out of a job for long. What worries me is the whole insurance thing. Our insurance right now is decent although it doesn't cover any infertility treatments. With this m/c though, I'm pretty sure we can get stuff paid for under the heading of recurrent m/c. What I dread is if we have to switch insurance plans midstream. But all that is so nebulous right now and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that nothing is going to happen in the next few months and hopefully we'll get the HSG out of the way. Keeping my fingers crossed...
Tears Again
It's late. I've been suffering from more than my usual share of insomnia lately.
A while back I sent out an email to everyone who knew about my pregnancy, telling them the bad news. Tonight I got a reply from my BIL. He is such a gem and I truly did not know that a man could provide such comfort about a subject such as this. It made me cry all over again and I really thought I was done with that. Apparantly not.
Tonight I watched a movie called Firefly Dreams. It's a Japanese film with subtitles. The pace is slow but the scenery is beautiful. And the story is beautiful too. It's basically a coming of age story of a teenage city girl who gets sent to the country for the summer and has to take care of an old woman with Alzheimers. If you enjoy the ocassional off-beat movie, I think this one will not disappoint.
A while back I sent out an email to everyone who knew about my pregnancy, telling them the bad news. Tonight I got a reply from my BIL. He is such a gem and I truly did not know that a man could provide such comfort about a subject such as this. It made me cry all over again and I really thought I was done with that. Apparantly not.
Tonight I watched a movie called Firefly Dreams. It's a Japanese film with subtitles. The pace is slow but the scenery is beautiful. And the story is beautiful too. It's basically a coming of age story of a teenage city girl who gets sent to the country for the summer and has to take care of an old woman with Alzheimers. If you enjoy the ocassional off-beat movie, I think this one will not disappoint.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Levels
My HCG levels from yesterday were 1762. Definitely a trend in the right direction. Now it's all a waiting game till I can get them tested again on Monday. My bleeding continues with more clotting today. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing but the bleeding is still only medium flow for me so I'm not too worried about it. I'm trying to take it easy but physically I am feeling just fine except for the ocassional abdominal area pain so I have to constantly remind myself to slow down.
Can someone remind me what life was like before I got on this roller coaster? Before I could go pee without holding my breath at what I might find. Before the up and down cycle of positive OPKs and negative HPTs? And yet, as ready as I am to be pregnant again, I fear that state more than I can imagine right now.
Well, as one of my commenters said, "third time's a charm".
Can someone remind me what life was like before I got on this roller coaster? Before I could go pee without holding my breath at what I might find. Before the up and down cycle of positive OPKs and negative HPTs? And yet, as ready as I am to be pregnant again, I fear that state more than I can imagine right now.
Well, as one of my commenters said, "third time's a charm".
Monday, February 27, 2006
Appointment and Final Ultrasound
I went in for my appointment today. Doc did an ultrasound and she says it looks like everything has passed. The plan is to do weekly betas and follow my levels down to 0. Then, as soon as they are down to 0 and I get the next period, we'll schedule the HSG. If everything looks clear on that, we'll be given the green light to start trying again. My hormone levels after the D&C took an unusually long time to get back to 0; 35 days after the D&C my levels were still hovering at 30. So I am really curious and quite anxious to see how long it will take this time. Of course, last year, my hormone levels were coming down from almost 200,000 whereas now I only have to get down from just under 6000. I had my blood draw today so hopefully I'll be able to go get the results tomorrow.
The only other news of note was my progesterone levels. I had my blood draw at 8dpo of this cycle and my level was 9.3. She said she'd like to see 10. Was it low because it was already a doomed pregnancy? Or was it a doomed pregnancy because it was low? Who knows. At any rate, she said we'd try supplements next time. I'm sure after the HSG we'll discuss those details. She also said we'd do a lot more monitoring. She tried to sound very upbeat and positive which I was glad of. I made it through the appointment just fine and didn't lose it till the lady at the hospital tried to take my blood and messed up the first time. She was nice and tried to be comforting but I just wanted to be out of there. For the rest of my blood draws I hope to be able to get my SIL's nurse to do them because she can always get me on the first try with very little pain.
I'm not really sure how I feel right now. Relieved that the m/c seems to be over and I hopefully won't have to do another D&C. Anxious for my levels to drop. Looking forward to what the HSG might show. Lots of emotions. I'm sure I'll work through them all in the coming weeks. Thanks for everyone's nice comments and supports. It is so important to know that one is not alone. Even though I have a good support system of friends and family, a simple comment from someone who's been there means so much.
The only other news of note was my progesterone levels. I had my blood draw at 8dpo of this cycle and my level was 9.3. She said she'd like to see 10. Was it low because it was already a doomed pregnancy? Or was it a doomed pregnancy because it was low? Who knows. At any rate, she said we'd try supplements next time. I'm sure after the HSG we'll discuss those details. She also said we'd do a lot more monitoring. She tried to sound very upbeat and positive which I was glad of. I made it through the appointment just fine and didn't lose it till the lady at the hospital tried to take my blood and messed up the first time. She was nice and tried to be comforting but I just wanted to be out of there. For the rest of my blood draws I hope to be able to get my SIL's nurse to do them because she can always get me on the first try with very little pain.
I'm not really sure how I feel right now. Relieved that the m/c seems to be over and I hopefully won't have to do another D&C. Anxious for my levels to drop. Looking forward to what the HSG might show. Lots of emotions. I'm sure I'll work through them all in the coming weeks. Thanks for everyone's nice comments and supports. It is so important to know that one is not alone. Even though I have a good support system of friends and family, a simple comment from someone who's been there means so much.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
When God Speaks
It's past time for bed but I'm totally wired. For some reason when I get sick, I just can't stomach water or anything non-carbonated. So I actually drank 2 Cokes today. Me. Who drinks about 2 cokes a year! Caffeine, sugar laden cokes. I can't believe I did that.
Since passing the sac today I haven't passed anymore big clots. It rather surprises me; I thought that having a miscarriage would be painful with lots of cramping and bleeding. I didn't know that something so important could just slip out of your body with little more than a bit of spotting. Scary. And you think I'll make it through another pregnancy with normal blood pressure. I'll probably take to my bed and keep my legs propped up and tightly closed for the whole nine months. Hell, I may even get one of those contraptions that suspends you upside down on your head.
Damn. There I go being all hopeful and optimistic again. I have absolutely no will-power or self control. Shoot, I let myself drink 2 cans of liquid sugar today; what's to stop me from conquering the world if I so desire.
I feel like I should be grieving a little more. That I should be sitting here crying my eyes out. That maybe I should be a little more angry at God. But all I can conjure up is thoughts on whether the OB will want me to wait one cycle or three and when she'll want to schedule the HSG and whether I should go ahead and try Clomid that cycle or not. Maybe I'm trying to drown the grief with a bunch of head noise. Maybe I've stretched the grief out over a week since I started spotting last Saturday.
I started this blog to see if I could reconcile my feelings about God. Some days I really have no desire to delve into my feelings on that subject anymore. Some days I feel like I've put God in a neat little box, tied it up, and stuck it on the shelf till I'm ready to take it down again. Then other days.....
One night last week when I was crying myself to sleep, I railed at God. I truly did not mean to "pray" to him. It just came out of me. "How can you be so cruel as to give me a hope of another pregnancy and a chance at another life just to take it away"????
How do you know when God speaks to you? All my life in the Southern Baptist tradition, the preachers would tell you to listen for the "still small voice". As a child I always wondered how the adults knew it was God speaking to them and not them speaking to themselves. That night, as I cried out looking for answers, this phrase came to me. I don't know where it came from. I just know that it was in my mind, fully formed, before I could think about it.
Because I have something better for you.
My subconscious could very easily have implanted this thought in my brain. After all, it is exactly what I wanted to hear. Comforting words of encouragement that someday I'll hold another real live baby of my own in my arms.
Or maybe God spoke.
Of course, if it was God speaking, I have a thousand more questions to be answered. Chief among them are to make sure that God knows that the "something better" should be a healthy child of either sex with a good disposition and good sleep patterns like his or her older sister. Smart and cute would be desirable qualities but I don't want to seem too ungrateful or picky. I am not praying, but did you get all that God?
Since passing the sac today I haven't passed anymore big clots. It rather surprises me; I thought that having a miscarriage would be painful with lots of cramping and bleeding. I didn't know that something so important could just slip out of your body with little more than a bit of spotting. Scary. And you think I'll make it through another pregnancy with normal blood pressure. I'll probably take to my bed and keep my legs propped up and tightly closed for the whole nine months. Hell, I may even get one of those contraptions that suspends you upside down on your head.
Damn. There I go being all hopeful and optimistic again. I have absolutely no will-power or self control. Shoot, I let myself drink 2 cans of liquid sugar today; what's to stop me from conquering the world if I so desire.
I feel like I should be grieving a little more. That I should be sitting here crying my eyes out. That maybe I should be a little more angry at God. But all I can conjure up is thoughts on whether the OB will want me to wait one cycle or three and when she'll want to schedule the HSG and whether I should go ahead and try Clomid that cycle or not. Maybe I'm trying to drown the grief with a bunch of head noise. Maybe I've stretched the grief out over a week since I started spotting last Saturday.
I started this blog to see if I could reconcile my feelings about God. Some days I really have no desire to delve into my feelings on that subject anymore. Some days I feel like I've put God in a neat little box, tied it up, and stuck it on the shelf till I'm ready to take it down again. Then other days.....
One night last week when I was crying myself to sleep, I railed at God. I truly did not mean to "pray" to him. It just came out of me. "How can you be so cruel as to give me a hope of another pregnancy and a chance at another life just to take it away"????
How do you know when God speaks to you? All my life in the Southern Baptist tradition, the preachers would tell you to listen for the "still small voice". As a child I always wondered how the adults knew it was God speaking to them and not them speaking to themselves. That night, as I cried out looking for answers, this phrase came to me. I don't know where it came from. I just know that it was in my mind, fully formed, before I could think about it.
Because I have something better for you.
My subconscious could very easily have implanted this thought in my brain. After all, it is exactly what I wanted to hear. Comforting words of encouragement that someday I'll hold another real live baby of my own in my arms.
Or maybe God spoke.
Of course, if it was God speaking, I have a thousand more questions to be answered. Chief among them are to make sure that God knows that the "something better" should be a healthy child of either sex with a good disposition and good sleep patterns like his or her older sister. Smart and cute would be desirable qualities but I don't want to seem too ungrateful or picky. I am not praying, but did you get all that God?
Definitely Out of Limbo-Land
I passed my sac a little while ago along with some really large clots. I don't know if any of them were the placenta or not. I do know that my bleeding is a bit heavier and I am rather hurting as opposed to cramping. So I will try to take it easy and hopefully everything will go smoothly.
Roller Coaster
Life has been quite a roller coaster this weekend. We watched a movie Friday night and after that I got up to go to bed and was suddenly overcome by some of the worst nauseau. A few hours later I was having diarrhea and vomitting. This was accompanied by an agonizingly achy feeling: my whole midsection just ached and my back was killing me. Of course I thought this was the miscarriage except that I was not bleeding, not even spotting at this point. I had some Tylenol 3 in the medicine cabinet but I was afraid to take it, not really knowing 100% certain the status of my "pregnancy". See what I mean about that tiny bug of hope? Even in the worst agony that stupid tiny bug managed to thrive.
When morning finally came I called my OB's office. Since it was Saturday they ended up putting me through to an OB nurse at the hospital who was very nice and sympathetic but could only tell me that I really needed to go in to the ER to determine anything. That was about the last place I felt like being at that point! Plus we had 20 people coming over for G's birthday party and I didn't want to mess that up. I ended up talking to my BIL who is a former OBGyn and he said it sounded like a stomache bug that is going around right now and that I'd probably be okay. Sure enough, I slept decently well last night, had a small bowl of cereal today and feel almost human again.
This morning I am still having some mild cramps and my bleeding has picked up again, even more than on Friday, and I am starting to pass some clots. I will be so glad for my appointment tomorrow to get the ultrasound and see what's there and talk to my OB about where to go from here.
When morning finally came I called my OB's office. Since it was Saturday they ended up putting me through to an OB nurse at the hospital who was very nice and sympathetic but could only tell me that I really needed to go in to the ER to determine anything. That was about the last place I felt like being at that point! Plus we had 20 people coming over for G's birthday party and I didn't want to mess that up. I ended up talking to my BIL who is a former OBGyn and he said it sounded like a stomache bug that is going around right now and that I'd probably be okay. Sure enough, I slept decently well last night, had a small bowl of cereal today and feel almost human again.
This morning I am still having some mild cramps and my bleeding has picked up again, even more than on Friday, and I am starting to pass some clots. I will be so glad for my appointment tomorrow to get the ultrasound and see what's there and talk to my OB about where to go from here.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Picking Up
Yours truly, checking in from limbo-land. Only I think I'm getting closer to getting out of it. I've had mild cramps off and on all day and a couple times more than mild. I've also started getting a bit more than spotting - almost a light period-type flow. I've also been somewhat nauseous all day which I've read often accompanies a m/c. So I'm hoping that things will get started and maybe by Monday we can just do an ultrasound to confirm that everything is over and I can talk to the OB about the next steps. Of course, nothing about this baby-making business has gone as I have envisioned it so I guess I will just wait and see what happens.
Tomorrow is G's second birthday party. My inlaws are here from out of town. We should have about 25 people over here tomorrow. Thankfully, only one other toddler and an infant. I am about to make a grocery store run to get drinks and chips and we'll be all ready for the party. I'm looking forward to it to take my mind off things.
Tomorrow is G's second birthday party. My inlaws are here from out of town. We should have about 25 people over here tomorrow. Thankfully, only one other toddler and an infant. I am about to make a grocery store run to get drinks and chips and we'll be all ready for the party. I'm looking forward to it to take my mind off things.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Bugs
How do you take a little bit of hope and squash it like a tick??? Because I'd really like to figure out how to do that.
After talking to my OB today I promised myself that I wouldn't allow myself to get my hopes up. So we're sitting there watching a movie tonight and I start to feel a little crampy and, unlike the last 2 days, I feel the dread creeping over me that it's not going to work out. But I knew that yesterday and welcomed the cramps as a sign that things would move along. Today that tiny bit of hope has insinuated itself into my heart and continues to bug the hell out of me.
From all my research on Dr. Google tonight, I have learned that it may indeed be possible to not see a baby on an ultrasound at 7 weeks if you have a retroverted (tilted) uterus and I know that I do indeed have one significant enough for several practitioners to have told me about it throughout the years. I have also learned that HCG numbers are not necessarily indicative of the health of a pregnancy once you get past about 6 weeks. To balance that out, it's the placenta that generates the HCG, not the baby, so you can have a healthily functioning placenta pumping out the hormones without necessarily having a baby in there.
So I still have 4 days to wait till the ultrasound and still nothing to go on. I have absolutely no idea how I'll make it till then. Greetings from limbo-land. Which, if you'll remember, doesn't really exist.
By the way, thanks Josefina for your comments; I wish I could read your blog but I wish you the best! And thanks to everyone who's left comments. It means a lot to know that I'm not alone out here.
After talking to my OB today I promised myself that I wouldn't allow myself to get my hopes up. So we're sitting there watching a movie tonight and I start to feel a little crampy and, unlike the last 2 days, I feel the dread creeping over me that it's not going to work out. But I knew that yesterday and welcomed the cramps as a sign that things would move along. Today that tiny bit of hope has insinuated itself into my heart and continues to bug the hell out of me.
From all my research on Dr. Google tonight, I have learned that it may indeed be possible to not see a baby on an ultrasound at 7 weeks if you have a retroverted (tilted) uterus and I know that I do indeed have one significant enough for several practitioners to have told me about it throughout the years. I have also learned that HCG numbers are not necessarily indicative of the health of a pregnancy once you get past about 6 weeks. To balance that out, it's the placenta that generates the HCG, not the baby, so you can have a healthily functioning placenta pumping out the hormones without necessarily having a baby in there.
So I still have 4 days to wait till the ultrasound and still nothing to go on. I have absolutely no idea how I'll make it till then. Greetings from limbo-land. Which, if you'll remember, doesn't really exist.
By the way, thanks Josefina for your comments; I wish I could read your blog but I wish you the best! And thanks to everyone who's left comments. It means a lot to know that I'm not alone out here.
Nothing is Ever Straightforward
Finally got a call from my OB. Truly, I was expecting my numbers to go down but instead they have gone up. Not by much but they did go up. Monday they were 4975 and Wednesday they were 5693. One internet chart I found said that HCG levels below 6000 should double every 96 hours. It also calculates my doubling time as 247 hours. So I am still not much hopeful. Although I find it impossible not to quell some bit of rising hope.
My OB is still not ruling anything out. Given that I am no longer cramping and that my spotting is still there and red but not increasing, she said she really can't rule out a viable pregnancy based on the information we have. I think she is still operating under the assumption that my dates might be off but given that I had an early positive test at 12DPO, I just can't agree with her.
So, all is on hold until the next ultrasound Monday afternoon. In the meantime I am going to put off my desire to open a bottle of wine and down it in one sitting. Even if this did turn out to be a viable pregnancy though, my concern would be that my numbers are just so low and slow to rise. There are so many implications in that fact and so much soul-searching that would have to be done. I so do not want to be on the road I am on at the moment.
My OB is still not ruling anything out. Given that I am no longer cramping and that my spotting is still there and red but not increasing, she said she really can't rule out a viable pregnancy based on the information we have. I think she is still operating under the assumption that my dates might be off but given that I had an early positive test at 12DPO, I just can't agree with her.
So, all is on hold until the next ultrasound Monday afternoon. In the meantime I am going to put off my desire to open a bottle of wine and down it in one sitting. Even if this did turn out to be a viable pregnancy though, my concern would be that my numbers are just so low and slow to rise. There are so many implications in that fact and so much soul-searching that would have to be done. I so do not want to be on the road I am on at the moment.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Stop and Think
I had my blood draw today but I wasn't able to go back to the lab to get the results and the OB didn't call so I'm still in the dark. My spotting continues mostly red and heavier but still only when I wipe. I had cramping last night but nothing since then. The wait continues. I've written out a list of questions for when my OB calls which I'm hoping will be tomorrow morning.
I posted the email that I sent out yesterday and I wanted to share one of the responses I got.
I have a friend/acquaintance that I used to work with. When I started my job in Ohio, she had been there about 6 months and we immediately hit it off. We had a lot in common both on the job and off. We didn't spend time together outside work, but we had a lot of time at work to sit and chat. She followed my TTC journey the first time around and her son is actually 6 weeks younger than G. She continues to work there and we have kept in touch off and on. Upon ocassion J and I will be near her work and we'll give her a call to go to lunch. I think once or twice she's actually shown up. Invariably, she will say yes, she'll be there. Then 5 or 10 minutes later, she'll call with some excuse why she can't come. At first I would get pissed. Then I started taking it in stride and I would invite her just for the laugh we'd get betting on what kind of excuse she'd come up with. So, the Friday before I started spotting, we called her up and went through the routine. As expected, she called back with an excuse. We went to lunch by ourselves and had a very nice laugh over it.
Anyway, she sent me an email reply to my message which was very touching and comforting as she told me what a strong woman she thinks I am. I've never thought of myself in that way and it gave me pause for thought. But what I thought was the most telling was this sentence:
I wanted to share this with you because it really made me stop and realize how important it is to make time for friends and family. It's important to include them in our lives as more than just spectators. Because you just never know what's around the next corner.
I posted the email that I sent out yesterday and I wanted to share one of the responses I got.
I have a friend/acquaintance that I used to work with. When I started my job in Ohio, she had been there about 6 months and we immediately hit it off. We had a lot in common both on the job and off. We didn't spend time together outside work, but we had a lot of time at work to sit and chat. She followed my TTC journey the first time around and her son is actually 6 weeks younger than G. She continues to work there and we have kept in touch off and on. Upon ocassion J and I will be near her work and we'll give her a call to go to lunch. I think once or twice she's actually shown up. Invariably, she will say yes, she'll be there. Then 5 or 10 minutes later, she'll call with some excuse why she can't come. At first I would get pissed. Then I started taking it in stride and I would invite her just for the laugh we'd get betting on what kind of excuse she'd come up with. So, the Friday before I started spotting, we called her up and went through the routine. As expected, she called back with an excuse. We went to lunch by ourselves and had a very nice laugh over it.
Anyway, she sent me an email reply to my message which was very touching and comforting as she told me what a strong woman she thinks I am. I've never thought of myself in that way and it gave me pause for thought. But what I thought was the most telling was this sentence:
I wish we would have gotten together on Friday instead of us re-doing our family room in 1 weekend. I know getting together wouldn't have changed anything but it would have made me feel better.
I wanted to share this with you because it really made me stop and realize how important it is to make time for friends and family. It's important to include them in our lives as more than just spectators. Because you just never know what's around the next corner.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Checking In
No beta numbers today but I felt like checking in. I am doing a lot better today. It may sound strange, but the explanation of a blighted ovum is helping me deal with things a lot better. My first m/c was a pregnancy that followed right on the heals of getting my Mirena IUD removed. I will always be convinced that that had something to do with losing the baby. So when I first started spotting this weekend, my first thoughts were that the IUD had somehow messed me up and I would never be able to carry a pregnancy again. Knowing that the loss of this one was most likely chromosonal and not having anything to do with the inside of my uterus helps me in that it leaves me more hopeful that the next baby will make it. Third time's a charm, right?
I wanted to share with you the email that I sent out 'To all you who "knew"'. We had already shared our news with a handful of friends and family. Just as I will share early news with them again, hopefully in the near future. But it is rather difficult to find the words to tell them about miscarrying again. I've gotten the sweetest replies and I think those help me in getting through this as much as anything.
I wanted to share with you the email that I sent out 'To all you who "knew"'. We had already shared our news with a handful of friends and family. Just as I will share early news with them again, hopefully in the near future. But it is rather difficult to find the words to tell them about miscarrying again. I've gotten the sweetest replies and I think those help me in getting through this as much as anything.
The thing about telling people early on about a pregnancy is that then you have to figure out how to tell them that things aren't working out. Not only do I feel sad in my own right, but for some strange reason, I feel like I've let my friends down. This probably won't stop me from telling you early on about the next pregnancy (notice the hopeful tone) nor will it stop me from feeling like I'm letting people down.
At any rate..... I've been spotting and cramping since Saturday. I was able to get in with the OB today and she did an ultrasound. Basically there is a sac but no baby. Yes, you really can be not quite pregnant. Dr. Google says this is called a "blighted ovum" and is a common enough occurrence but I hope never to have to deal with the terms again. My hormone levels are quite low although I won't know for sure how things stand until I repeat them on Wednesday. But nothing in the picture is encouraging.
For now I am hanging in there. I was thinking a while ago that losses seem to get easier with each one. But after cogitating on that for a while, I realized that they don't really get easier; you just figure out how to build stronger walls against hope seeping in. I think it's a survival mechanism.
So, Gracie is not going to be a big sister in October. Very likely not even this year. In the meantime I am taking what good I can: I am lining up the wine bottles to drown my sorrows.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Results Are In
Of course, I'll need another beta to compare, but I think we can safely assume that this pregnancy is over. My beta at 7W1D is 4975. According to Dr. Google, this is a reasonable level:
7 - 8 weeks LMP: 7, 650 - 229,000 mIU/ml
I would be very surprised indeed if Wednesday's beta does not go down.
I spent the afternoon with a good friend who totally understands what I'm going through. It really helped to be able to talk through my frustration. Given my research, this would seem to be a "blighted ovum". Was there really a baby to grieve over? I think what I grieve most right now is the lost time. The clock ticks and right now I'm standing still. Waiting.
I'm off to inquire about some more things from Dr. Google. Until the next beta....
7 - 8 weeks LMP: 7, 650 - 229,000 mIU/ml
I would be very surprised indeed if Wednesday's beta does not go down.
I spent the afternoon with a good friend who totally understands what I'm going through. It really helped to be able to talk through my frustration. Given my research, this would seem to be a "blighted ovum". Was there really a baby to grieve over? I think what I grieve most right now is the lost time. The clock ticks and right now I'm standing still. Waiting.
I'm off to inquire about some more things from Dr. Google. Until the next beta....
OB Appointment / Ultrasound
I was able to get in to see my OB today. She did an ultrasound which she said was inconclusive. Basically there was a sac but no visible signs of a fetal pole or baby. Certainly no heartbeat. She said the two options were that I have my dates off or that I am miscarrying. She tried to seem positive but I'm pretty sure I don't have my dates off so far as to not see something in that sac by this point. I have another ultrasound scheduled for next Monday. I also did a blood draw and I hope to get those results tonight. I have a feeling that those results will tell us all we need to know. I am still having some cramping and spotting. I rather enjoyed reading Lorem's post today on limbo because that's exactly where I feel like I am right now. Neither here nor there. And now that's not even a state. So where does that leave me? I'll post more when I know more.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
7 Weeks
I'm not sure which is worse: actually having a miscarriage or waiting for one. I woke up this morning to some contious mild cramping. It got better once I got up. I have had no more spotting this morning. Not yet anyway.
J and I haven't talked about it. Yesterday when I first discovered the spotting we were getting ready to go swimming at the Y. All I told him then was that it was starting again just like last time. I think he knew what I meant. He has been very attentive to me and giving me lots of hugs and playing with the Little Miss a lot more. But he hasn't asked me any questions. For now I prefer it that way. Since I don't have any answers right now.
J and I haven't talked about it. Yesterday when I first discovered the spotting we were getting ready to go swimming at the Y. All I told him then was that it was starting again just like last time. I think he knew what I meant. He has been very attentive to me and giving me lots of hugs and playing with the Little Miss a lot more. But he hasn't asked me any questions. For now I prefer it that way. Since I don't have any answers right now.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Hope is a cruel thing
I have gone through so many emotions in the space of less than 12 hours today. I am having "spotting" just like my last m/c started off with. I'm not really sure what to call it. It's more like fertile eggwhite CM tinged pink, red, and brown. I know in my head that it could mean many things but I just can't think that this pregnancy is going to end any different than the last. I am also having quite a bit of cramping which I don't remember having with the last miscarriage.
My plan right now is to scrap the midwife and call the OB first thing Monday morning. I doubt there is anything she can do but maybe I can at least see a picture of my little bean before he/she goes.
So many thoughts swirling through my head. Try again? Throw in the towel? Be happy with what I've got?
I started this blog to work through my feelings about god. I can tell you this much for sure at this moment: I have no desire to pray to or even think about this god. He means nothing to me right now. Any being that can give hope and then so cruelly snatch it away is not worth my worship, let alone any of my feelings. I guess you could say I've pretty much worked through my feelings about god at this point.
My plan right now is to scrap the midwife and call the OB first thing Monday morning. I doubt there is anything she can do but maybe I can at least see a picture of my little bean before he/she goes.
So many thoughts swirling through my head. Try again? Throw in the towel? Be happy with what I've got?
I started this blog to work through my feelings about god. I can tell you this much for sure at this moment: I have no desire to pray to or even think about this god. He means nothing to me right now. Any being that can give hope and then so cruelly snatch it away is not worth my worship, let alone any of my feelings. I guess you could say I've pretty much worked through my feelings about god at this point.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Anniversaries
My Mom called last night. They were supposed to be coming up here next week for G's second birthday. My Mom does not fly (she's always hated it but finally threw in the towel after 9/11) so they decided not to drive next week because of the weather. Well, that was the real reason but she threw in a couple other excuses for good measure. My favorite of the bunch was "We have to sell our old refrigerator. It's sitting out in the garage right now". I just wanted to archive that in blogland. My Mom actually used that as an excuse for not coming to see us. Oh well. Whatever. But it gets worse. She picked March 16 to come instead. That will be the first anniversary of The Ultrasound. She asked if that would work and I couldn't come up with any honest excuse why it wouldn't. Except maybe that I've got this huge stack of stuff that needs carting off to Goodwill. She doesn't know any of the dates involved in my miscarriage. I didn't tell my parents about it until a couple months after the fact. I wasn't going to tell them at all but in the end I decided it was a small circle that I needed to close. Anyway, the more I think about it, the more I think perhaps it's a good thing they'll be here. Dealing with my mother always takes my mind off more important matters.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Making Appointments
So, I called up my midwife's office this afternoon to make my first appointment. Here's how part of the conversation went with Shirley:
Shirley: How many pregnancies does this make for you?
Me: This is my third
Shirley: So you have 2 children?
Me: Uh..., no, just one
Shirley: So you had a miscarriage?
Duhhhh.... Hello Shirley. You're not a young chit who still thinks everything works out okay every time. You're old enough to know better. Old enough to know that sooner or later there's going to be someone on the other end of the phone whose pregnancies and living children just don't equal out.
At least she didn't get down to details like was the miscarriage before or after my living child. I'll take credit for myself though: I was very direct but not rude in my answer. I said that yes, miscarriages being more common than not, I had had a miscarriage. I would have liked to have told her off but I hope to use this midwife and I know I'll be encountering Shirley for the next 8 months or so. I'll try to remember to be at least civil to her.
At any rate, I have an appointment for next Thursday morning. I'm very excited. I'll be 7.5 weeks by my ovulation date and 8 weeks by my LMP. I hope to get her to schedule a scan around 11 weeks. Being a midwife, I'm not sure how routinely they do early scans but I've decided I want one after I've passed the point where I miscarried before. I don't know how much it will ease my mind but I hope it will go a long way to making me more at ease with this pregnancy.
Shirley: How many pregnancies does this make for you?
Me: This is my third
Shirley: So you have 2 children?
Me: Uh..., no, just one
Shirley: So you had a miscarriage?
Duhhhh.... Hello Shirley. You're not a young chit who still thinks everything works out okay every time. You're old enough to know better. Old enough to know that sooner or later there's going to be someone on the other end of the phone whose pregnancies and living children just don't equal out.
At least she didn't get down to details like was the miscarriage before or after my living child. I'll take credit for myself though: I was very direct but not rude in my answer. I said that yes, miscarriages being more common than not, I had had a miscarriage. I would have liked to have told her off but I hope to use this midwife and I know I'll be encountering Shirley for the next 8 months or so. I'll try to remember to be at least civil to her.
At any rate, I have an appointment for next Thursday morning. I'm very excited. I'll be 7.5 weeks by my ovulation date and 8 weeks by my LMP. I hope to get her to schedule a scan around 11 weeks. Being a midwife, I'm not sure how routinely they do early scans but I've decided I want one after I've passed the point where I miscarried before. I don't know how much it will ease my mind but I hope it will go a long way to making me more at ease with this pregnancy.
someone's idea of a sick joke?
Before working out at the Y this morning, I went to the bathroom there. As usual after wiping, I performed the dreaded TP examination. There was a speck of red on it. Trying not to think too much, I quickly grabbed some more and wiped again. Damn. Another small spot of red. By this time my heart was on the floor and my mind was racing in 20000 different directions. Trying to calm myself down, I got some more tissue and this time took a good look at it before wiping. Wouldn't you know it: it was that really cheap stuff with lots of pulp in it of different colors. You know: purple, blue, brown. Ummm, red. I decided it must be some man's idea of a sick joke. I felt like such a good American: I wanted to sue them for unnecessary pain and suffering.
I found myself thinking today that I am halfway through my first trimester. I so do not want to spend this pregnancy trying to get to the next milestone. I want to enjoy each moment of it. As though it may be my last. Or my first. Every day I look at my precious little one and realize that 2 years have flown by. She walked down the stairs this morning clutching Elmo in one hand and the bannister in the other. When I asked if she wanted to hold my hand (like usual) she said "No hand". Pretty soon she'll be getting herself up and dressed and even brushing her own hair and she won't need me at all. And all too soon even this new child will be walking down the stairs saying "No hand". But right now I don't have that future. All I have is this moment in time. And I cherish that.
I found myself thinking today that I am halfway through my first trimester. I so do not want to spend this pregnancy trying to get to the next milestone. I want to enjoy each moment of it. As though it may be my last. Or my first. Every day I look at my precious little one and realize that 2 years have flown by. She walked down the stairs this morning clutching Elmo in one hand and the bannister in the other. When I asked if she wanted to hold my hand (like usual) she said "No hand". Pretty soon she'll be getting herself up and dressed and even brushing her own hair and she won't need me at all. And all too soon even this new child will be walking down the stairs saying "No hand". But right now I don't have that future. All I have is this moment in time. And I cherish that.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
6 Weeks and Counting!
I don't know why I feel like 6 weeks is such a milestone. My symptoms earlier this week seem to have subsided. In fact, now I don't even really feel pregnant at all. I still have my lingering sinus stuff. My BIL asked me last night how I was doing and I said I was all stopped up and runny at the same time. Is that even possible?? So, I'm looking forward to what the coming week might bring in terms of renewed symptoms and trying not to dwell on the fact that I don't feel very pregnant right now.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
You Think......?!
I can assure you with great certainty that this pregnancy is making itself felt! I never knew it was possible to be so tired while continuing to function at some level. Naps are no longer a nicety; they are an absolute necessity if I want to make it past 7pm. I am peeing buckets. This morning, I went to put on one of my skirts that has always been a little too big for me, only to discover that there was no question of tucking in my shirt and even then I had to hold in my belly just to button it.
So, being the avid googler that I am when faced with uncertainties, I inquired from Mr. Google what the early symptoms of a twin pregnancy might be. Among others, they include normal pregnancy symptoms intensified very early on (including frequent urination and tiredness) and measuring larger earlier.
The whole clothes issue has me concerned. I remember from last year's pregnancy (which is on the same timeline as this one almost to the day) that my clothes started getting a little snug around the Little Miss's birthday (2/25) and the day before I started spotting (3/4) I had to get my maternity pants out. So, the pants getting snug at 5.5 weeks is a bit extreme, don't you think?
I know that it is most likely just bloating and the extreme tiredness is due to the fact that my sinus problems have resurfaced. But I felt like I wanted to record my suspicions about a possible twin pregnancy in case it happens. That way I can say that I knew it all along. If it doesn't happen I can chalk it up to hormones.
So, being the avid googler that I am when faced with uncertainties, I inquired from Mr. Google what the early symptoms of a twin pregnancy might be. Among others, they include normal pregnancy symptoms intensified very early on (including frequent urination and tiredness) and measuring larger earlier.
The whole clothes issue has me concerned. I remember from last year's pregnancy (which is on the same timeline as this one almost to the day) that my clothes started getting a little snug around the Little Miss's birthday (2/25) and the day before I started spotting (3/4) I had to get my maternity pants out. So, the pants getting snug at 5.5 weeks is a bit extreme, don't you think?
I know that it is most likely just bloating and the extreme tiredness is due to the fact that my sinus problems have resurfaced. But I felt like I wanted to record my suspicions about a possible twin pregnancy in case it happens. That way I can say that I knew it all along. If it doesn't happen I can chalk it up to hormones.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Certifiable
It may have been questionable before. Now it's certifiable: I'm hopeless. I went to the Dollar Store today and actually picked up 2 pregnancy tests. Then I actually bought them. Then I came home and actually peed on one. But I have to say: there was something very gratifying about seeing that 2nd line appear even as the pee went over it. It's as dark as the control line. No question about it: I'm knocked up.
I'm saving that second test for a weak moment and then I promise: no more testing!
I'm saving that second test for a weak moment and then I promise: no more testing!
Sunday, February 05, 2006
5 Weeks!
I've made it to 5 weeks! This past week seems so long and yet I am determined to at least try and enjoy every moment of this pregnancy. I'm starting to need to pee a lot. At night I have very strange and vivid dreams. Those are about my only symptoms. I expect some nauseau to set in towards the end of next week.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Duh!
J left Friday a week ago for a ski vacation with some friends. He worked a 5 day trip before leaving, so it's been quite a while since we've seen him. I've been very proud of myself: all week I have not once asked him when he plans to come home. Nor have I given him a hard time about all the bills for ski rentals and lift tickets. I didn't even berate him for dropping $150 on a radio controlled helicopter like his friend P in Utah has. I've been so good. So this was our conversation last night:
Me: So when do you think you might come home?
Him: Well, M and G leave tomorrow afternoon.
Me: Oh, that's good.
Him: But I thought I might spend another couple days with P since I didn't get to see him very much this week.
Me: [ dead silence ]
Him: Is that okay?
Me: Sure honey. Love you too. Bye. [ click ]
Hmmmm.... so he calls me this morning and says his flight will be in around 9:30 tonight. Guess he got the message.
Me: So when do you think you might come home?
Him: Well, M and G leave tomorrow afternoon.
Me: Oh, that's good.
Him: But I thought I might spend another couple days with P since I didn't get to see him very much this week.
Me: [ dead silence ]
Him: Is that okay?
Me: Sure honey. Love you too. Bye. [ click ]
Hmmmm.... so he calls me this morning and says his flight will be in around 9:30 tonight. Guess he got the message.
Friday, February 03, 2006
The Midwife
Today I finally got to talk to the midwife I hoped to use, KM. Poor thing, she is on bedrest for mild pre-eclampsia; she's not due till 4/2 but she said it's not looking good that she'll be term. We had a good talk - she was very open and upfront with me. But I'm a little depressed now.
Basically, she's not coming back to the business anytime soon. She said in a year or two maybe. But that is way too late for me! She also told me that the midwives that delivered the Little Miss are no longer around. There is one other midwifery practice in Columbus (which is about a 45 minute drive for me) but she doesn't really recommend them.
So, my local options for a midwife are pinned on the one remaining at KM's practice: L. I have nothing against L, other than the fact that she's not KM. Her bedside manner is just different. KM assured me that she's a very competent midwife and KM was going to her up until the pre-eclampsia thing. I expressed concern that L would have a tough time being the sole midwife with 5 kids and a husband at home. She agreed but said that L is very committed to it. She will probably rotate call weekends with the backup doctors and KM told me that L will probably choose to do that only when certain docs are on call. The ones she names are the ones that I wouldn't have a problem going to.
Being delivered by a midwife is important to me for lots of reasons. After the Little Miss was born, it was agreed by everyone that an OB would most likely have done a C-section if for no other reason than that I was taking too long. But the midwife hung in there with me and I had a perfect vaginal delivery with no intervention and only a minor tear. I just don't think I would find that kind of patience in the OBs that are available to me. This is the one instance that I really hate where I live because there are just so few options available in terms of midwives.
So, I guess I have my decision made for me: I will take my chances on L. I plan to book an appointment with her soon and see how I feel about her in person. I'll try to go in with an open mind and clean slate. Wish me luck.
Basically, she's not coming back to the business anytime soon. She said in a year or two maybe. But that is way too late for me! She also told me that the midwives that delivered the Little Miss are no longer around. There is one other midwifery practice in Columbus (which is about a 45 minute drive for me) but she doesn't really recommend them.
So, my local options for a midwife are pinned on the one remaining at KM's practice: L. I have nothing against L, other than the fact that she's not KM. Her bedside manner is just different. KM assured me that she's a very competent midwife and KM was going to her up until the pre-eclampsia thing. I expressed concern that L would have a tough time being the sole midwife with 5 kids and a husband at home. She agreed but said that L is very committed to it. She will probably rotate call weekends with the backup doctors and KM told me that L will probably choose to do that only when certain docs are on call. The ones she names are the ones that I wouldn't have a problem going to.
Being delivered by a midwife is important to me for lots of reasons. After the Little Miss was born, it was agreed by everyone that an OB would most likely have done a C-section if for no other reason than that I was taking too long. But the midwife hung in there with me and I had a perfect vaginal delivery with no intervention and only a minor tear. I just don't think I would find that kind of patience in the OBs that are available to me. This is the one instance that I really hate where I live because there are just so few options available in terms of midwives.
So, I guess I have my decision made for me: I will take my chances on L. I plan to book an appointment with her soon and see how I feel about her in person. I'll try to go in with an open mind and clean slate. Wish me luck.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Pains
Today when I started working out on the elliptical running machine I realized that I was already starting to feel slight cramping. So I backed off that and went to the bike. No cramps! Tonight I started feeling crampy while running around with the Little Miss. I guess my body is just telling me to take it easy. Strange, I don't remember that starting this early before!
I'm still waiting for the tiredness to set in. I have just the opposite at night now: insomnia. I was laying awake last night and I thought of a funny incident from my first pregnancy that I thought I'd share.
I was a good 6, maybe 7 months pregnant with the Little Miss and I started having tremendous backaches. I don't know how much weight I had gained at that point, but I just chalked it up to the extra weight. I tried everything to alleviate it. One morning I went to work and my coworker/cube-mate said how terrible I looked. I told her that I just couldn't sleep lately because my back would be hurting so bad at night. Although, it was weird: it felt best first thing in the morning and by evening I'd be in bad pain. I told her how I'd tried everything from different beds to sleeping in the chair and I was coming to the conclusion that it wasn't the bed. She looked at me a little quizzically, then asked me exactly where I was hurting. I pointed to the spots. I have never heard someone laugh that long, that loud. She literally had tears coming out of her eyes. It was a good 5 minutes before she could even talk. When she finally could say something, this is what she said: "you don't need a new bed, you need a BRA".
Yes, I confess, I had not worn a bra at that point since early college. When I figured out that only the well-endowed girls actually needed to wear the hated contraption. I have never liked anything around my chest and I always felt like I needed to pull it down. I had even gone and gotten one custom fitted. Hated it. So it never, ever occurred to little ole flat-chested me that I might actually have something to be held up by one of those things.
I went that evening and bought one and have been pain-free ever since.
I think that story came back to me because I am already starting to feel the same twinges of back pain and I suspect I will have to pull it out even earlier in this pregnancy. What a pain in the *ss. Or should I say bust.
I'm still waiting for the tiredness to set in. I have just the opposite at night now: insomnia. I was laying awake last night and I thought of a funny incident from my first pregnancy that I thought I'd share.
I was a good 6, maybe 7 months pregnant with the Little Miss and I started having tremendous backaches. I don't know how much weight I had gained at that point, but I just chalked it up to the extra weight. I tried everything to alleviate it. One morning I went to work and my coworker/cube-mate said how terrible I looked. I told her that I just couldn't sleep lately because my back would be hurting so bad at night. Although, it was weird: it felt best first thing in the morning and by evening I'd be in bad pain. I told her how I'd tried everything from different beds to sleeping in the chair and I was coming to the conclusion that it wasn't the bed. She looked at me a little quizzically, then asked me exactly where I was hurting. I pointed to the spots. I have never heard someone laugh that long, that loud. She literally had tears coming out of her eyes. It was a good 5 minutes before she could even talk. When she finally could say something, this is what she said: "you don't need a new bed, you need a BRA".
Yes, I confess, I had not worn a bra at that point since early college. When I figured out that only the well-endowed girls actually needed to wear the hated contraption. I have never liked anything around my chest and I always felt like I needed to pull it down. I had even gone and gotten one custom fitted. Hated it. So it never, ever occurred to little ole flat-chested me that I might actually have something to be held up by one of those things.
I went that evening and bought one and have been pain-free ever since.
I think that story came back to me because I am already starting to feel the same twinges of back pain and I suspect I will have to pull it out even earlier in this pregnancy. What a pain in the *ss. Or should I say bust.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Up
The roller coaster is back up today as I woke up with no cramping. After working out today I started feeling a little bit crampy. I'm doing a very low level workout - nothing like what I used to do. But I'm thinking at this stage it might be a bit much. So tomorrow I will tone it down a bit and see what happens. This afternoon I've just been working on some computer projects. Monday and Tuesday I laid down for a bit of a nap but both of those nights I didn't sleep well. Guess I can't justify afternoon naps just yet!
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Welcome to the roller coaster
I did pretty good yesterday. I was feeling confident. Then this afternoon I started feeling some odd twinges and light cramping. So light that I probably wouldn't even notice it if I weren't dwelling on it. My mind says that it's just my uterus starting to expand. My heart says I am going to lose another baby. Seems there is no middle ground for me to just hold on and see what happens. It sucks, sucks, sucks that I can't just enjoy this pregnancy. I thought once I got pregnant that I would get off the roller coaster ride of ovulation and periods. Turns out I got on the far steeper roller coaster of daily TP checks and interpreting "twinges" and "cramps". Part of me just wants to go to sleep for the next 8 months and wake up to a healthy baby.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Still Here!
Well, I'm happy to report passing a full day with NO RED! The cramps have subsided but no real symptoms have set in yet. One day at a time.
I told J last night and he is happy in his own way. He's a very introspective person and just doesn't say much. But I know he's happy. He said that it was no surprise, that he expected it. I guess he's just got that "guy" complex that he finally got his act together and made things happen so of course it worked. I'm letting him believe whatever makes him happy for now.
I went to church and prayed last night. I think I've come a long way spiritually since I started this blog. But it's hard for me right now to not feel like some petulant child who's finally gotten her way and decides she'll talk to God now.
The thing I am dreading now is when I start to pee like crazy. Going to the bathroom requires so much emotional preparation for The Toilet Paper Inspection (TPI?!!!). It's exhausting in and of itself.
I told my SIL the news last night because she is the one who will manage my thyroid medicine. She gave me the semi-bad news that the midwife I had hoped to use is pregnant. So I will give her a ring tomorrow and she if she'll be back in practice by September or October. There is only one other midwife in the practice. I don't like her as well as the other one but I would go to her. I just can't imagine that she would continue in the practice by herself, seeing as she has 5 kids at home. There's only one OB office here in town and, although I would really like to deliver at the small hospital here (for convenience if nothing else), I would have to find out the policy of who actually delivers you - if it's just the person on call or the OB that you go to. There are 4 male doctors all somewhat older and then there's the female doc that I went to a couple weeks ago. I wouldn't mind having her deliver me but I wouldn't want any of the men. My third option is to go back to the midwives who delivered the Little Miss, although that would involve a 30 minute drive for appointments and an hour to the hospital. I'm not real wild about any of my options at this point, so it's a good thing I'm taking it one day at a time!!!
I told J last night and he is happy in his own way. He's a very introspective person and just doesn't say much. But I know he's happy. He said that it was no surprise, that he expected it. I guess he's just got that "guy" complex that he finally got his act together and made things happen so of course it worked. I'm letting him believe whatever makes him happy for now.
I went to church and prayed last night. I think I've come a long way spiritually since I started this blog. But it's hard for me right now to not feel like some petulant child who's finally gotten her way and decides she'll talk to God now.
The thing I am dreading now is when I start to pee like crazy. Going to the bathroom requires so much emotional preparation for The Toilet Paper Inspection (TPI?!!!). It's exhausting in and of itself.
I told my SIL the news last night because she is the one who will manage my thyroid medicine. She gave me the semi-bad news that the midwife I had hoped to use is pregnant. So I will give her a ring tomorrow and she if she'll be back in practice by September or October. There is only one other midwife in the practice. I don't like her as well as the other one but I would go to her. I just can't imagine that she would continue in the practice by herself, seeing as she has 5 kids at home. There's only one OB office here in town and, although I would really like to deliver at the small hospital here (for convenience if nothing else), I would have to find out the policy of who actually delivers you - if it's just the person on call or the OB that you go to. There are 4 male doctors all somewhat older and then there's the female doc that I went to a couple weeks ago. I wouldn't mind having her deliver me but I wouldn't want any of the men. My third option is to go back to the midwives who delivered the Little Miss, although that would involve a 30 minute drive for appointments and an hour to the hospital. I'm not real wild about any of my options at this point, so it's a good thing I'm taking it one day at a time!!!
Saturday, January 28, 2006
The Details
I'm still not really able to believe it. I'm still feeling somewhat crampy which is starting to concern me so I am trying to take it easy today. Also still watching for any red on the TP. That alone is full time job right now!
The early part of this pregnancy is going to be fraught with so many anniversaries. The timeline will be almost exactly a year to the day of the pregnancy that I lost. It was this time last year that I started 4 or 5 days of heavy bleeding and, thinking I couldn't be pregnant, started doing all the "bad" things: I took lots of Advil for the cramps, I drank, and I even sat in the hot tub. We were on the annual ski vacation then and that's one reason why I didn't want to go this year - too many memories.
Laying in bed this morning I tried my best to look ahead over the pregnancy and the child it might possibly result in. I just couldn't. All I could think of was that I have to get through today with no spotting and then I can think about getting through tomorrow. I'm trying to give myself permission to take it just one day at a time and not dwell too much on possible outcomes.
I am such a bad wife: I haven't even told J yet! He is, of course, out skiing with his buddies. I'll tell him as soon as he calls to check in. After him, I plan to call my very best friend and tell her. Then I have to call my SIL since she usually manages my thyroid and I want her to check my levels as soon as possible. I've decided not to go back to the OB since I ultimately want a midwife to deliver me. Not that I'm thinking that far ahead yet....! I'll probably wait a while before scheduling with the midwife. I've been on prenatals for a year now and the only thing that absolutely needs checking is my thyroid which she can't do anyway. I'm sure I will tell a few other people before long. I'm terrible at keeping a secret, especially such exciting news at this. I decided months ago that if I did get pregnant again, I would right away tell the people who most helped me through my loss. If I have to go through another loss I want them by my side again.
I'm about to go lay down on the couch now and see if I can take it all in.
The early part of this pregnancy is going to be fraught with so many anniversaries. The timeline will be almost exactly a year to the day of the pregnancy that I lost. It was this time last year that I started 4 or 5 days of heavy bleeding and, thinking I couldn't be pregnant, started doing all the "bad" things: I took lots of Advil for the cramps, I drank, and I even sat in the hot tub. We were on the annual ski vacation then and that's one reason why I didn't want to go this year - too many memories.
Laying in bed this morning I tried my best to look ahead over the pregnancy and the child it might possibly result in. I just couldn't. All I could think of was that I have to get through today with no spotting and then I can think about getting through tomorrow. I'm trying to give myself permission to take it just one day at a time and not dwell too much on possible outcomes.
I am such a bad wife: I haven't even told J yet! He is, of course, out skiing with his buddies. I'll tell him as soon as he calls to check in. After him, I plan to call my very best friend and tell her. Then I have to call my SIL since she usually manages my thyroid and I want her to check my levels as soon as possible. I've decided not to go back to the OB since I ultimately want a midwife to deliver me. Not that I'm thinking that far ahead yet....! I'll probably wait a while before scheduling with the midwife. I've been on prenatals for a year now and the only thing that absolutely needs checking is my thyroid which she can't do anyway. I'm sure I will tell a few other people before long. I'm terrible at keeping a secret, especially such exciting news at this. I decided months ago that if I did get pregnant again, I would right away tell the people who most helped me through my loss. If I have to go through another loss I want them by my side again.
I'm about to go lay down on the couch now and see if I can take it all in.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Still More!
I can't believe I've posted so much today! But I don't really have anyone to talk to who would understand what I'm going through right now so it's easier to just write it out. It's probably a good thing that J left early this morning for a week long ski vacation - that way he's not around to tell me not to obsess.
I'm having pretty constant cramping this evening but I don't rule anything out based on that because (after reviewing my old charts) I had the same thing with the Little Miss right before AF was due. Tonight after supper I got a little nauseous and that lasted several hours. Here's the really weird thing and this is probably way TMI but here goes.... The last 3 or 4 times I've peed tonight it has smelled weird, almost like coffee. Yes, coffee. Now, if I drink a cup of coffee, I will have coffee-smelling urine a time or two. But I haven't had any coffee for several weeks.
So, those are all my symptoms. It's now time to stop obsessing for the night and go to bed so I can lie awake and count the hours until I can take another test. By god, there sure as hell better be two lines on that damn thing.
I'm having pretty constant cramping this evening but I don't rule anything out based on that because (after reviewing my old charts) I had the same thing with the Little Miss right before AF was due. Tonight after supper I got a little nauseous and that lasted several hours. Here's the really weird thing and this is probably way TMI but here goes.... The last 3 or 4 times I've peed tonight it has smelled weird, almost like coffee. Yes, coffee. Now, if I drink a cup of coffee, I will have coffee-smelling urine a time or two. But I haven't had any coffee for several weeks.
So, those are all my symptoms. It's now time to stop obsessing for the night and go to bed so I can lie awake and count the hours until I can take another test. By god, there sure as hell better be two lines on that damn thing.
Cross Eyes
Today has been creeping by. I keep coming back to my desk to stare at this little test. Is it a pink line with all the good news that would entail? Or is a grey evap line sent to mock me? It's still there this afternoon, mocking me or whatever it's doing.
I had to get up in the middle of the night last night to pee. Haven't done that in ages. This afternoon I couldn't keep my eyes open so I took a nap. How many more signs can I get this early?
So I guess I'll keep staring for a while till I can take another test tomorrow morning. Tomorrow will be taken up with The Red Watch since AF is due. If tomorrow's test is inconclusive and AF does not show, I'll get a digital test for Sunday morning.
I had to get up in the middle of the night last night to pee. Haven't done that in ages. This afternoon I couldn't keep my eyes open so I took a nap. How many more signs can I get this early?
So I guess I'll keep staring for a while till I can take another test tomorrow morning. Tomorrow will be taken up with The Red Watch since AF is due. If tomorrow's test is inconclusive and AF does not show, I'll get a digital test for Sunday morning.
Tests and Such
I took another test this morning. I *think* it *may* be a positive but I'm really not totally convinced it's not an evap line. I tried scanning it but you can't see the faint pink line on the scan. I tried an internet cheapie but got nothing on it. I am so tempted to go get a digital test but I can't find anywhere on the net where it says what hcg level those things measure. I suspect it's not as low as the dollar store (I think theirs is 25mlu) but I can't find the info. I really don't want to spend the money on them if they don't measure low enough. At any rate, tomorrow AF is due so I guess I will just have to wait and see how tomorrow's test turns out. I've decided that if, by some miracle, the doc calls today to discuss my other bloodwork, I will ask her for a stat blood test at the lab today. But if she doesn't call, I'll just wait it out.
I hate waiting.
I hate waiting.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Signs
I have to admit I'm beginning to get a little depressed about this cycle. I've been letting myself get my hopes up. I was hoping that just the act of going to the doctor because I couldn't conceive would be enough to make me conceive - kind of like the funny noise that the mechanic never hears. I was hoping that the fountain that has become my nose was a good pregnancy sign. I was hoping that the acne that I had like I was 13 was a good pregnancy sign. I suppose the signs could still add up. But I had another negative test today. Probably like a good gluton for punishment that I am, I'll test again tomorrow. I should start AF on Saturday. Probably won't keep me from testing again then.
Lookin' For Lines
So I got up early, early this morning and peed on another stick. I was tired and it was cold, so I only waited around a couple of minutes. No pink line this time in that time frame. When I finally got up several hours later, there was the faintest of pink lines. So I still don't know what's up. I'm thinking of going to buy some of those digital tests and eliminate all this guesswork.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Damn Tests
This morning I took a dollar tree test. I swear if you turned it just right to the light and looked hard enough, you could see the faintest of pink lines. I even took it out of the cartridge to see it better. So then I pulled out one of my internet cheapies and on that one got nothing. So I'm doomed to another 24 hours of wondering. Fortunately I have a day "off" today meaning that J is watching the Little Miss so that I can get out and go shopping. The weather is crap but there's a scrapbook store calling my name. Stay tuned for more testing tomorrow.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Waiting...
I went for my 7DPO progesterone test today. 1 day late, but hopefully close enough. I still haven't heard from the doc about my bloodwork last week or the sperm analysis. I sometimes wonder if these docs have any appreciation for the fact that people are sitting around waiting to hear these results. On the other hand, maybe no news is good news and she's just waiting to see me at the HSG (still to be scheduled).
J gets home late tomorrow night and starts a stint of 18 days off. This must be some kind of record. This includes a week of vacation and then he managed to bid for schedules on either side of it to get a really nice vacation. Of course, as fate would have it, he'll leave a few days before I should ovulate next cycle. So I'm thinking of a romantic overnight in Detroit around Valentine's Day. Should be exciting. J is going to go skiing for a week with some friends in Utah next week. The good thing is that I should be able to schedule the HSG while he is home which just makes things that much easier.
Back to waiting for a phone call....
J gets home late tomorrow night and starts a stint of 18 days off. This must be some kind of record. This includes a week of vacation and then he managed to bid for schedules on either side of it to get a really nice vacation. Of course, as fate would have it, he'll leave a few days before I should ovulate next cycle. So I'm thinking of a romantic overnight in Detroit around Valentine's Day. Should be exciting. J is going to go skiing for a week with some friends in Utah next week. The good thing is that I should be able to schedule the HSG while he is home which just makes things that much easier.
Back to waiting for a phone call....
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Movies and Such
The other night J wanted to watch a movie so he sent me to the video store after supper. His choice of movies has long been a joke in our household. He will invariably go for the movie of which there is only one on the shelf. I mean, as in one jacket, not just one available. My general rule is that there must be at least 3 jackets on the shelf for me to consider it. That's not always true, granted, but it's a good rule of thumb. And we know pilots must live by good rules of thumb.
Anyway, I guess we're watching too many movies as we had seen most of the available choices. I finally settled on The Constant Gardener. I thought it would be good for some drama and action, plus it is based on a novel by John le Carré who I know J likes.
Unfortunately, it was not the action/drama I was hoping for. It turned out to be a rather deep and probing look at the health crisis in Africa. Having myself lived in a third world country nearby, many of the scenes were familiar to me. J wasn't quite as prepared and didn't really like the movie. It didn't help that Rachel Weisz flaunted a very pregnant body for seemingly half the movie and in the end lost the child at term. On the whole, this was probably not a movie I'd really recommend to anyone.
In other news, I seem to be finally getting over my sinus thing. I have very high hopes of being able to actually lie prone in my bed tonight and sleep without the influence of benadryl. I get to go for my 7DPO progesterone test on Monday. Should really be on Sunday but the place I go is not open then.
Anyway, I guess we're watching too many movies as we had seen most of the available choices. I finally settled on The Constant Gardener. I thought it would be good for some drama and action, plus it is based on a novel by John le Carré who I know J likes.
Unfortunately, it was not the action/drama I was hoping for. It turned out to be a rather deep and probing look at the health crisis in Africa. Having myself lived in a third world country nearby, many of the scenes were familiar to me. J wasn't quite as prepared and didn't really like the movie. It didn't help that Rachel Weisz flaunted a very pregnant body for seemingly half the movie and in the end lost the child at term. On the whole, this was probably not a movie I'd really recommend to anyone.
In other news, I seem to be finally getting over my sinus thing. I have very high hopes of being able to actually lie prone in my bed tonight and sleep without the influence of benadryl. I get to go for my 7DPO progesterone test on Monday. Should really be on Sunday but the place I go is not open then.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Stocked up and ready
I was able to stop by Dollar Tree on the way home from the airport tonight so I am all stocked up now with 5 HPTs! I plan to start testing Tuesday. I figured I'd make up for not testing but twice last month. I'm also overly eager to know whether I'm suffering all this head congestion in vain.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Analyze This
Today we did the dreaded Sperm Analysis. All I can say is that that was about the most humiliating thing we've ever done. Giving birth was less humiliating. Next time I'm locking him in the bathroom with the cup. If there is a next time. J mainly didn't want to do the whole test because he's secretly afraid that it will point the finger at him. While I know that 40% of fertility problems are male, I really don't think it's him because we've conceived twice now and it hasn't really been that long. He does have age as a factor: he'll be 46 in April. But I guess we'll wait and see. I'm hoping to hear from Dr. S tomorrow with those results and my initial bloodwork results.
And of course it's the time in the cycle when we can start to obsess about possible "symptoms". I tell myself not to do it, but if you're reading this, you probably know that's easier said than done. So, first off, there's this sinus thing that won't go away. I've slept sitting in a chair 4 nights in a row now. If I am carrying a child, I'm labeling it my problem child already. Then there's the mood swings. I'm not normally prone to those but today I went through a period of intense depression where I actually threw a temper tantrum that rivaled G any day of the week (I think I've figured out where she learned to throw things when she's angry). A couple hours later I was smiling and happy.
I guess I'll test next Saturday. I think I only have one or two internet cheapie tests left. I'm debating whether I should plan a trip to Dollar Tree to stock up or just try not testing.
Yeah right.
And of course it's the time in the cycle when we can start to obsess about possible "symptoms". I tell myself not to do it, but if you're reading this, you probably know that's easier said than done. So, first off, there's this sinus thing that won't go away. I've slept sitting in a chair 4 nights in a row now. If I am carrying a child, I'm labeling it my problem child already. Then there's the mood swings. I'm not normally prone to those but today I went through a period of intense depression where I actually threw a temper tantrum that rivaled G any day of the week (I think I've figured out where she learned to throw things when she's angry). A couple hours later I was smiling and happy.
I guess I'll test next Saturday. I think I only have one or two internet cheapie tests left. I'm debating whether I should plan a trip to Dollar Tree to stock up or just try not testing.
Yeah right.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Sicker Than Crap
I've survived 2 nites of "sleeping" in the chair in an upright position. I've got the sinus stuff going on. If I so much as think about lying down my whole head and both my ears stop completely up. I have not yet figured out how to put the Little Miss into a comatose state whilst I recover from this. To compound matters, there is very little I can take. Benadryl was on the approved list but didn't help at all. Robitussin helped my cough and Tylenol helps the fever. How I long for a couple of Nyquil and a large glass of wine. Only 9 days until I can test.
I called yesterday to try and schedule my HSG but I guess she didn't trust my knowledge of my cycles enough. She said to call back on the first day of my period and we'll schedule it then. Which is a good thing as J will have his February schedule by then.
I can't believe I just remembered this: today is the approximate day that we conceived the baby I lost. I thought it would be a hard anniversary but I guess I can thank being sick for not really remembering it.
I called yesterday to try and schedule my HSG but I guess she didn't trust my knowledge of my cycles enough. She said to call back on the first day of my period and we'll schedule it then. Which is a good thing as J will have his February schedule by then.
I can't believe I just remembered this: today is the approximate day that we conceived the baby I lost. I thought it would be a hard anniversary but I guess I can thank being sick for not really remembering it.
Monday, January 16, 2006
OB Appointment
Finally, I survived until my OB appointment. Getting there was less than a smooth way. The Little Miss and I showed up at my friend JE's house to drop her off but there was noone there but the dogs. After several frantic phone calls, JE finally answered and admitted to having forgotten. Note to self: next time do just 12 hours notice rather than 48. Maybe even 6 hours notice. Anyway, my SIL lives next door and I happily caught her on her way to the running trail and she agreed to take the Little Miss while I was gone.
When I finally got in to the office, I went through all the normal stuff with the nurse. She said the doc could come in before I got undressed (I had to do my annual pap smear - the "purpose" of my visit). I said that would be great; what a relief not to have to discuss all this naked.
So in comes Dr. S. Pretty young - just finished her residency 2 years ago I think. Very nice. I briefed her on why I was really there and she jumped right in to things. I'll summarize.
We're going to start with some basic bloodwork for my thyroid levels and also my prolactin levels. I haven't heard much about prolactin abnormalities but from a brief search, it appears common to test for this as a first defense in infertility treatment. It also appears to be related to thyroid disease. If anyone can shed any more light on this, I'd love to hear from you.
The next step will be an HSG. Assuming I'm not pregnant this time around, it'll probably be scheduled the first week in February. She did mention Asherman's Syndrom related to my D&C in March, but she says that's not common and usually manifests itself in repeated miscarriages rather than the inability to get pregnant. But it's something to look for.
If all those tests are nominal, the next thing to consider will be Clomid. I must confess I'm rather afraid to go that route. I just can't imagine having twins. What I told her is that I'd like to try a cycle or two after the HSG since it seems that fertility is boosted for a while after the procedure before going on Clomid and she agreed that was an entirely reasonable course of action.
Of course, J will have to do the dreaded semen analysis. I already warned him that it will probably be required and his first reaction was "no way". Hopefully he was just kidding and I'm pretty sure he is since he knows how much this means to me. So, I'll probably corral him for that when he gets home Wednesday or Thursday.
I also talked to Dr. S about the progesterone testing. Her view is that if progesterone is low, it's usually an indication of weak ovulation which she didn't think was my problem. She said her treatment for it is Clomid which boosts progesterone levels by default. She said it was no problem to do the CD21 progesterone test but she doesn't treat with supplements. That's the only part of the visit that I didn't feel 100% about from everything I've read. On the other hand, there are widely varying opinions about the issue. So, I'll get it tested next week and go from there I guess.
At the very beginning of our conversation she started out by saying "What I'm going to have you do for the next 2 months is go ahead and chart your temperatures and intercourse timing and we can go from there on a treatment protocol." I tell you - I was never so glad that I had printed out the last 6 months of my FF charts, most of which had my temps. I think I surprised her by having that with me. I think it also told her that I was a more informed patient than average. I also probably bought myself 2 months of wasted time.
I gave her my chart printouts and she said she'd review them while I was undressing to make sure we were timing things right. So I'm sitting there half naked on the table and all of sudden from nowhere comes this thought: Oh my god, what if I misread the whole timing thing on FF and Taking Charge of Your Fertility and we have been totally off on our timing and there's no way I could have gotten pregnant the last 7 months and she's going to come back in here laughing her head off and have to explain the birds and the bees to me. Truly, I contemplated this for a good 5 minutes. I'm happy to report that Dr. S did come back in smiling and said that our timing was perfect in the majority of my cycles.
I must confess, I almost feel a sense of letdown and I really can't figure out why. Everything is going forward as I envisioned it. And there's always the possibility that none of it will be necessary. I'm so terrible at waiting.
When I finally got in to the office, I went through all the normal stuff with the nurse. She said the doc could come in before I got undressed (I had to do my annual pap smear - the "purpose" of my visit). I said that would be great; what a relief not to have to discuss all this naked.
So in comes Dr. S. Pretty young - just finished her residency 2 years ago I think. Very nice. I briefed her on why I was really there and she jumped right in to things. I'll summarize.
We're going to start with some basic bloodwork for my thyroid levels and also my prolactin levels. I haven't heard much about prolactin abnormalities but from a brief search, it appears common to test for this as a first defense in infertility treatment. It also appears to be related to thyroid disease. If anyone can shed any more light on this, I'd love to hear from you.
The next step will be an HSG. Assuming I'm not pregnant this time around, it'll probably be scheduled the first week in February. She did mention Asherman's Syndrom related to my D&C in March, but she says that's not common and usually manifests itself in repeated miscarriages rather than the inability to get pregnant. But it's something to look for.
If all those tests are nominal, the next thing to consider will be Clomid. I must confess I'm rather afraid to go that route. I just can't imagine having twins. What I told her is that I'd like to try a cycle or two after the HSG since it seems that fertility is boosted for a while after the procedure before going on Clomid and she agreed that was an entirely reasonable course of action.
Of course, J will have to do the dreaded semen analysis. I already warned him that it will probably be required and his first reaction was "no way". Hopefully he was just kidding and I'm pretty sure he is since he knows how much this means to me. So, I'll probably corral him for that when he gets home Wednesday or Thursday.
I also talked to Dr. S about the progesterone testing. Her view is that if progesterone is low, it's usually an indication of weak ovulation which she didn't think was my problem. She said her treatment for it is Clomid which boosts progesterone levels by default. She said it was no problem to do the CD21 progesterone test but she doesn't treat with supplements. That's the only part of the visit that I didn't feel 100% about from everything I've read. On the other hand, there are widely varying opinions about the issue. So, I'll get it tested next week and go from there I guess.
At the very beginning of our conversation she started out by saying "What I'm going to have you do for the next 2 months is go ahead and chart your temperatures and intercourse timing and we can go from there on a treatment protocol." I tell you - I was never so glad that I had printed out the last 6 months of my FF charts, most of which had my temps. I think I surprised her by having that with me. I think it also told her that I was a more informed patient than average. I also probably bought myself 2 months of wasted time.
I gave her my chart printouts and she said she'd review them while I was undressing to make sure we were timing things right. So I'm sitting there half naked on the table and all of sudden from nowhere comes this thought: Oh my god, what if I misread the whole timing thing on FF and Taking Charge of Your Fertility and we have been totally off on our timing and there's no way I could have gotten pregnant the last 7 months and she's going to come back in here laughing her head off and have to explain the birds and the bees to me. Truly, I contemplated this for a good 5 minutes. I'm happy to report that Dr. S did come back in smiling and said that our timing was perfect in the majority of my cycles.
I must confess, I almost feel a sense of letdown and I really can't figure out why. Everything is going forward as I envisioned it. And there's always the possibility that none of it will be necessary. I'm so terrible at waiting.
NBC 4 - News - Sprint Refuses To Reveal Location Of Cell Phone In Carjacked SUV
Well, I have to have somethingto do while I sit here and count down the minutes to my OB appointment. So of course I am wasting time uselessly surfing the net. That and listening to the Little Miss in her crib discussing with Elmo who gets to hold the binky. But that's a story for another day.
I came across this story: NBC 4 - News - Sprint Refuses To Reveal Location Of Cell Phone In Carjacked SUV. Basically, Dad straps the 10 month old into the carseat and then goes back inside for the toddler, at which time someone steals the car with baby inside. Now, one assumes that he either left the car running or left the keys in it. In California. I don't know. My first reading of it, I was shocked that Sprint would not immediately hand over this information to such obviously distressed parents. But on second thought....
The thing that stands out to me is that the Sprint representative on the other end of the phone had no way of knowing exactly who these people were that he was talking to. How easy would it be for me to fane distess, get someone else to pose as a police office, and then call up Sprint to have them locate some guy I've been crazily stalking the last 2 months by telling them that he has my phone and my child?
I usually don't have much sympathy for people who do seemingly stupid things. But in this case, I think I have to side with the poor Sprint guy on the other end who had to make a judgement call. I can imagine if I had been in his/her position, I'd be sleeping a little less soundly these days, thinking what might have happened to the child in the car because I made a bad judgement. But on the other hand, what if it was some crazy going to kill someone else.
Technology has such a wealth of good uses. But for everyone who wants to do something good with it, there is probably someone else who wants to do something very bad with it.
I came across this story: NBC 4 - News - Sprint Refuses To Reveal Location Of Cell Phone In Carjacked SUV. Basically, Dad straps the 10 month old into the carseat and then goes back inside for the toddler, at which time someone steals the car with baby inside. Now, one assumes that he either left the car running or left the keys in it. In California. I don't know. My first reading of it, I was shocked that Sprint would not immediately hand over this information to such obviously distressed parents. But on second thought....
The thing that stands out to me is that the Sprint representative on the other end of the phone had no way of knowing exactly who these people were that he was talking to. How easy would it be for me to fane distess, get someone else to pose as a police office, and then call up Sprint to have them locate some guy I've been crazily stalking the last 2 months by telling them that he has my phone and my child?
I usually don't have much sympathy for people who do seemingly stupid things. But in this case, I think I have to side with the poor Sprint guy on the other end who had to make a judgement call. I can imagine if I had been in his/her position, I'd be sleeping a little less soundly these days, thinking what might have happened to the child in the car because I made a bad judgement. But on the other hand, what if it was some crazy going to kill someone else.
Technology has such a wealth of good uses. But for everyone who wants to do something good with it, there is probably someone else who wants to do something very bad with it.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Vindication
It's nice to be right occasionally. I expected that yesterday's OPK was my peak and I was right. So I'm fairly certain that I ovulated either yesterday or today. Just need a couple days of temps to confirm that. I wish FF would "estimate" probable ovulation without the 3 days of temps so that I could obsess a few days longer. Our timing was great this cycle but then again, it's been great most cycles. I'm hoping that my first test with the OB can be the 7 DPO progesterone test. Can't wait to meet with her tomorrow.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Here We Go Again
It's amazing to me what the human spirit is capable of; even my own. At the start of almost every cycle since the miscarriage I have been gripped by depression and the conviction that another pregnancy is never going to happen. By the time ovulation rolls around again, I have bounced back on the opposite high, convinced that this is going to be my cycle.
Here we go again. Last month I ovulated on CD20. Every cycle since the miscarriage has gotten longer and longer. Which I figured was probably a good thing since I ovulated on CD24 when I conceived the Little Miss and my cycles have always been long and irregular. So I figured I would ovulate even later this cycle. But I'm holding my breath now because I think I got a peak OPK today on CD17 and I've had what I'm pretty sure are ovulation pains this evening. Plus we've gotten plenty of work in the last few days and still have one more chance tomorrow before J heads off for another 4 dayer. See, I'm getting all optimistic again. Part of me thinks that just making the appointment with the OB is enough irony to get a BFP this month. We'll see. I'm not trusting my temps this time around since I've been somewhat sick with a sinus thing.
Care to join me on another 2 week roller coaster ride?!
Here we go again. Last month I ovulated on CD20. Every cycle since the miscarriage has gotten longer and longer. Which I figured was probably a good thing since I ovulated on CD24 when I conceived the Little Miss and my cycles have always been long and irregular. So I figured I would ovulate even later this cycle. But I'm holding my breath now because I think I got a peak OPK today on CD17 and I've had what I'm pretty sure are ovulation pains this evening. Plus we've gotten plenty of work in the last few days and still have one more chance tomorrow before J heads off for another 4 dayer. See, I'm getting all optimistic again. Part of me thinks that just making the appointment with the OB is enough irony to get a BFP this month. We'll see. I'm not trusting my temps this time around since I've been somewhat sick with a sinus thing.
Care to join me on another 2 week roller coaster ride?!
Friday, January 13, 2006
I Was doing just fine thank you
We went to the eye doctor this morning for our annual checkup. J narrowly missed getting bifocals but he'll probably need them by next year.
I like our eye doctor. He's a nice young guy (30 is young these days, trust me). Not too long out of school so he's got the latest training. Seems competent. Pretty good "bedside" manner if you will. Well, okay, he could probably work on that last one.
I remember from last year that his wife was just about to have their second child; a boy after the girl. He was just beaming and you could tell he was so excited. Our conversations focused on kids since his daughter is just 6 months older than the Little Miss.
Can you tell where this is going?
J goes in first. Then I go in. His first question was "Well, I couldn't get it out of J. Are you guys working on any more kids? Don't you want to have a sibbling for G?".
Now, I've always been terrible at deflecting direct questions such as this. I can never think of anything to say other than the obvious truth. "Yeah, I desparately want another one but after one loss we don't seem to be having any luck".
I thought that would make him uncomfortable enough to change the subject but no luck. He then insisted on telling me how they lost 2 before their daughter and how women must feel it worse than men blah blah blah blah blah blah ad naseum. The worst was when he told me the key for him to getting over the losses.
You'll have more kids in heaven.
Please let me go to hell right now.
At that point I just very obviously changed the subject to politics (something I NEVER discuss but it seemed safer than the previous subject). I haven't allowed myself a good cry yet but I feel one coming on. But, not all is bad on this Friday the 13th and I took a little bit of heart to see that Lauralu's little z has a nice strong heartbeat. Sometimes things do go right.
I like our eye doctor. He's a nice young guy (30 is young these days, trust me). Not too long out of school so he's got the latest training. Seems competent. Pretty good "bedside" manner if you will. Well, okay, he could probably work on that last one.
I remember from last year that his wife was just about to have their second child; a boy after the girl. He was just beaming and you could tell he was so excited. Our conversations focused on kids since his daughter is just 6 months older than the Little Miss.
Can you tell where this is going?
J goes in first. Then I go in. His first question was "Well, I couldn't get it out of J. Are you guys working on any more kids? Don't you want to have a sibbling for G?".
Now, I've always been terrible at deflecting direct questions such as this. I can never think of anything to say other than the obvious truth. "Yeah, I desparately want another one but after one loss we don't seem to be having any luck".
I thought that would make him uncomfortable enough to change the subject but no luck. He then insisted on telling me how they lost 2 before their daughter and how women must feel it worse than men blah blah blah blah blah blah ad naseum. The worst was when he told me the key for him to getting over the losses.
You'll have more kids in heaven.
Please let me go to hell right now.
At that point I just very obviously changed the subject to politics (something I NEVER discuss but it seemed safer than the previous subject). I haven't allowed myself a good cry yet but I feel one coming on. But, not all is bad on this Friday the 13th and I took a little bit of heart to see that Lauralu's little z has a nice strong heartbeat. Sometimes things do go right.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
It's All Relative
The worst thing about the New Year for me is having to have The Conversation. It happens every year.
Me: "We need to talk about money stuff."
Him: "I'm not making enough money and we're poor"
Me: "Well, first off, we're NOT poor"
Him: Stomps off to the other room.
A few hours later....
Me: "Do you want to talk about the money now?"
Him: "Just tell me how much more I have to make"
Me: "Well, there are other options than just trying to make more money"
Him: "We're poor; what does it matter?"
Sometimes I think I should tape-record this conversation because it seems to me that it happens the exact same way about this time every year.
From the very beginning of our marriage, I have always managed the finances. J just doesn't like to be bothered with trivial details like when the light bill is due. In the early years, he took more of an interest in looking at the big picture. But these days he just shows up on Sunday to collect his allowance and that's really all he wants to do with it. Somehow I'm supposed to make magic behind the scenes and do miracles with his paycheck.
Anyway, I gave him the bad news that we only have 3 more years before our savings runs out and we'll have to consider other options. He keeps insisting that we're "poor" which really, truly angers me. I mean, we have a nice house (with a mortgage, granted), nice cars (no payments on any of them), an airplane (again, no financing there, just outrageous insurance), and we even have a spot of land on a mountain in Montana (that we're currently trying to sell to finance the savings a bit longer). We have no credit card debt. No debt beyond the mortgage. I think it is an insult to the vast majority of the population of the earth to say that we're "poor".
Glad I got that off my chest. I'm sure tonight we'll both be dreaming numbers. I don't think I'll tell him that I should ovulate any day now and maybe we can add another mouth to feed to the poor-house.
Me: "We need to talk about money stuff."
Him: "I'm not making enough money and we're poor"
Me: "Well, first off, we're NOT poor"
Him: Stomps off to the other room.
A few hours later....
Me: "Do you want to talk about the money now?"
Him: "Just tell me how much more I have to make"
Me: "Well, there are other options than just trying to make more money"
Him: "We're poor; what does it matter?"
Sometimes I think I should tape-record this conversation because it seems to me that it happens the exact same way about this time every year.
From the very beginning of our marriage, I have always managed the finances. J just doesn't like to be bothered with trivial details like when the light bill is due. In the early years, he took more of an interest in looking at the big picture. But these days he just shows up on Sunday to collect his allowance and that's really all he wants to do with it. Somehow I'm supposed to make magic behind the scenes and do miracles with his paycheck.
Anyway, I gave him the bad news that we only have 3 more years before our savings runs out and we'll have to consider other options. He keeps insisting that we're "poor" which really, truly angers me. I mean, we have a nice house (with a mortgage, granted), nice cars (no payments on any of them), an airplane (again, no financing there, just outrageous insurance), and we even have a spot of land on a mountain in Montana (that we're currently trying to sell to finance the savings a bit longer). We have no credit card debt. No debt beyond the mortgage. I think it is an insult to the vast majority of the population of the earth to say that we're "poor".
Glad I got that off my chest. I'm sure tonight we'll both be dreaming numbers. I don't think I'll tell him that I should ovulate any day now and maybe we can add another mouth to feed to the poor-house.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Who Am I?
I've had some encounters in the last week or so that have really made me start questioning who I am. Not in the sense of why I'm here (I gave up on that one a long time ago!), but more along the lines of what kind of person I am. I've been thinking back to the long distant past 20 something years ago and looking at what kind of person I was then. Comparing that to the kind of person I am now. I can't say that I'm entirely happy with the changes. But then I think, my gosh, it took my 20 years to get this way; do I have to wait another 20 years to be the kind of person I would rather be?
Somehow I think I could change myself faster than that. In fact, I know that I have changed a lot since the Little Miss came along. Having a Polly Parrot shadow you all day every day tends to do that I guess.
I don't really know where I'm going with the post. There's a lot going on upstairs right now and writing usually helps me work it out. I lay in bed most nights hashing it all over in my head. Not the best thing for reducing stress. I hope that things will get better once I see the OB and have some things in hand that I can actually DO. I never have been good at waiting.
Somehow I think I could change myself faster than that. In fact, I know that I have changed a lot since the Little Miss came along. Having a Polly Parrot shadow you all day every day tends to do that I guess.
I don't really know where I'm going with the post. There's a lot going on upstairs right now and writing usually helps me work it out. I lay in bed most nights hashing it all over in my head. Not the best thing for reducing stress. I hope that things will get better once I see the OB and have some things in hand that I can actually DO. I never have been good at waiting.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Create an e-annoyance, go to jail | Perspectives | CNET News.com
Got this off of Estelle's blog. Seems that it is now a crime to be annoyed by my blog: Create an e-annoyance, go to jail. Simply because I am posting annonymously. Geesh, remind me again what country we live in?!
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Movies
I haven't blogged about our movie watching lately so I thought I would write a quick blurb on the latest 3 showings.
First up is the cult favorite Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I'll admit it: I've not read the book; not past the first few pages anyway. I just couldn't get into it. But the movie had me laughing out loud at least every 5 minutes. What I couldn't get over is that the book was written in 1979 and the symbolism and jokes are just as relevant and funny today, 25+ years later. My favorite character was the depressed robot Marvin. Let's just say that some days I can really identify. Anyway, the book was a cult classic and I'm sure the movie won't appeal to everyone but if you like computers you're sure to get a few laughs out of it.
The next one we watched was The Island. Not much to say about it except that it deals with the issues of human cloning in the not-so-distant future. Pretty predictable movie I thought.
The last one I hesitate to mention at all. Did you ever see the movie Memento? If you liked that one, you might possibly like The I Inside. Read the writeup on IMDB and you'll know as much about the movie as I do. It might have been an okay one if it had had a decent ending but, really, I was just left wondering, huh?? Definitely not on my recommended list.
I guess that listing of movies went from most to least recommended. I am seriously considering buying the Hitchhiker's Guide DVD and this is from a person whose DVD library consists 100% of Baby Einstein. But for me that movie ranks right up there with Office Space for a guaranteed laugh.
First up is the cult favorite Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I'll admit it: I've not read the book; not past the first few pages anyway. I just couldn't get into it. But the movie had me laughing out loud at least every 5 minutes. What I couldn't get over is that the book was written in 1979 and the symbolism and jokes are just as relevant and funny today, 25+ years later. My favorite character was the depressed robot Marvin. Let's just say that some days I can really identify. Anyway, the book was a cult classic and I'm sure the movie won't appeal to everyone but if you like computers you're sure to get a few laughs out of it.
The next one we watched was The Island. Not much to say about it except that it deals with the issues of human cloning in the not-so-distant future. Pretty predictable movie I thought.
The last one I hesitate to mention at all. Did you ever see the movie Memento? If you liked that one, you might possibly like The I Inside. Read the writeup on IMDB and you'll know as much about the movie as I do. It might have been an okay one if it had had a decent ending but, really, I was just left wondering, huh?? Definitely not on my recommended list.
I guess that listing of movies went from most to least recommended. I am seriously considering buying the Hitchhiker's Guide DVD and this is from a person whose DVD library consists 100% of Baby Einstein. But for me that movie ranks right up there with Office Space for a guaranteed laugh.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
I added a countdown ticker to the top of my page. My OB appointment is on the 16th and I am actually looking forward to it. I should ovulate sometime around there so I'm hoping that she will do a progesterone test later that week. I'm trying to read up on all the possible tests that they might do so I will know what to expect when. If anyone has any good sources, please point me to them.
This afternoon I'm doing my December scrapbook pages, waiting for the Little Miss to wake up from her nap. It's been decided that we are all going to Mass this evening. I get to enjoy the service and J gets to keep the Little Miss occupied and quiet in the back. I've really never understood why Catholic churches don't have nurseries. J says she's got to learn sometime how to sit still in church. I think not quite two is way to young to expect her to grasp that concept. But whatever.
This afternoon I'm doing my December scrapbook pages, waiting for the Little Miss to wake up from her nap. It's been decided that we are all going to Mass this evening. I get to enjoy the service and J gets to keep the Little Miss occupied and quiet in the back. I've really never understood why Catholic churches don't have nurseries. J says she's got to learn sometime how to sit still in church. I think not quite two is way to young to expect her to grasp that concept. But whatever.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Heaven
It doesn't take much to thrill me. A trip to Target's dollar bins usually does the trick. I picked J up from the airport this evening and we had dinner out at his favorite joint which buttered him up enough to agree to stop by Target "for diapers". The dollar bins were freshly filled with a bunch of Valentine's Day scrapbooking stuff. I got papers, stickers and punches. Oh, and we picked up diapers as well.
Tonight J is down in his basement office enjoying his new toy. I got him a 21" widescreen monitor for an Epiphany gift (having been raised in Italy, he prefers to celebrate that over Christmas although we end up doing gifts for both holidays usually). A few weeks ago we were window shopping and he saw this 21" HP monitor. When he picked his chin up from the floor and stopped drooling, I knew I had to get it for him. I am intensly jealous, sitting here with my piddling 17" square monitor.
Speaking of gadgets and such, does anyone have any good recommendations for a point and shoot digital camera? I have gone through about 3 Sony's and have not been 100% happy with any of them except for the video capabilities. My current one, an S90, drives me nuts because it needs about 5 seconds between shots. I have lost so many good shots.
Tonight J is down in his basement office enjoying his new toy. I got him a 21" widescreen monitor for an Epiphany gift (having been raised in Italy, he prefers to celebrate that over Christmas although we end up doing gifts for both holidays usually). A few weeks ago we were window shopping and he saw this 21" HP monitor. When he picked his chin up from the floor and stopped drooling, I knew I had to get it for him. I am intensly jealous, sitting here with my piddling 17" square monitor.
Speaking of gadgets and such, does anyone have any good recommendations for a point and shoot digital camera? I have gone through about 3 Sony's and have not been 100% happy with any of them except for the video capabilities. My current one, an S90, drives me nuts because it needs about 5 seconds between shots. I have lost so many good shots.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Resolutions
There was a slew of new people at the Y today. I suppose they'll be around for a couple of weeks, then they'll disappear. News Years Resolutions - gotta love them.
I came across this article while surfing tonight: a new take on resolutions.
Basically the author advocates having two types of resolutions:
I came across this article while surfing tonight: a new take on resolutions.
Basically the author advocates having two types of resolutions:
- First are the "New Moon" resolutions. This is anything you resolve to do from one new moon to the other, so basically a month. You can theoretically form a habit in 21 days.
- Second are the year-long resolutions. The author says these must be fun and exciting in order to make up for all the other practical resolutions you'll make all year long. Each year I resolve to do one wonderful thing for myself each week.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
When Ends Don't Meet
My annual New Year's Day activity is doing my financial forecasting for the new year. I was almost an accounting major in college, so I actually find it rather fun to push around numbers. It's getting less and less fun though. Long before we decided to have kids, I started stashing away money. I did not want to be in a situation here I had to work after having a baby. And I'll tell you, quitting my job was the best thing I ever did for myself! We've been really fortunate financially and have been able to do a lot of things like buy a house and fix it up. But reality is starting to set in. On our present course, we'll run into dry land in just 3 years. Which wouldn't be so frightening to me if I had already had #2 according to plan. Now I'm faced with the possibility of having an only child for purely financial reasons.
There are, of course, areas where we could cut. But they are nickel and dime type things that might buy us a few months, but not years. There is, however, one large line item in our budget and that deals with J's airplane. Now, this is sacred ground. I have never even ventured to ask him to get rid of it although it's becoming more and more obvious that we can't really afford it. Years ago, we knew a couple that sold their airplane to pay for IVF (they now have beautiful twins). I remember J's reaction; it wasn't quite positive....
This doesn't really start the new year out on the best of notes. Fortunately (or maybe unfortunately!) J is out on a 5 day trip and won't be back till Friday. So I have until then to either A. rob a bank or B. rehearse our conversation in my mind 50,000 times and figure out a way to put it so that it's his idea to sell the plane.
I'm thinking option A is looking pretty good right now.
There are, of course, areas where we could cut. But they are nickel and dime type things that might buy us a few months, but not years. There is, however, one large line item in our budget and that deals with J's airplane. Now, this is sacred ground. I have never even ventured to ask him to get rid of it although it's becoming more and more obvious that we can't really afford it. Years ago, we knew a couple that sold their airplane to pay for IVF (they now have beautiful twins). I remember J's reaction; it wasn't quite positive....
This doesn't really start the new year out on the best of notes. Fortunately (or maybe unfortunately!) J is out on a 5 day trip and won't be back till Friday. So I have until then to either A. rob a bank or B. rehearse our conversation in my mind 50,000 times and figure out a way to put it so that it's his idea to sell the plane.
I'm thinking option A is looking pretty good right now.
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