Adventures in Motherhood

Still here

2007-08-08T20:30:00.000-04:00

I think about this blog sometimes and feel guilty that I just rather abandoned it. The past few weeks have been so busy that I haven't really taken time to catch my breath. Things are still going pretty good for me. Katherine is growing and seems to get more of a personality with each passing day. Gracie has been going to summer day camps and vacation bible school which gets her out of my hair and does wonders for my disposition :-) Her last camp ends this Friday though so I'm not sure how we'll make it to mid-September when preschool starts. I am wishing more and more that I had easy access to an every-day preschool. But I'll make the best of it. A few weeks ago I thought there was a possibility of my going to work but that petered out. Monday my hubby went and interviewed for a position within his company that would be less flying and more like a 9-5 desk job which means he would be home every night. The drawback is that we would have to move to Detroit and start all over again with no family nearby. We are still trying to decide what would be the best thing to do.

I think this will be my last post to this blog. I started it almost 2 years ago, trying to deal with the frustration of infertility. I've moved on (to other frustrations!) so it seems like a good time to let this blog go.

Time marches on

2007-07-15T22:16:00.000-04:00

Where does the time go? Seems like just yesterday I was bemoaning a huge belly and all the aches and pains that went along with being 9 months pregnant. Now my baby is closing in on 3 months old. She smiles a lot and just yesterday she laughed several times at Gracie's entertainment. She's started drooling a lot which makes me think that teeth are in our future. She's not interested yet in trying to grab anything but she's very alert and seems to take in life with wide open eyes. This past week we went on vacation in Florida. I was worried about how both the girls would do but we all managed to have a great time. I put Katherine back in bed with me and she slept beautifully. She's making the transition back to the crib as though she hadn't slept with me at all. Crossing my fingers, she seems to be a pretty adaptable baby. We still don't have much of a routine but she's sleeping pretty well. We're back to 2-3 hour stretches at night but somehow I am managing it without being a zombie.

I am still coping pretty well with my depression. One thing my therapist grilled me on several times was keeping up the changes that I've made recently and carrying them forward. Namely that the onus is on me to make sure that I get adequate me-time. At the time I assured her that I am very aware of the need and that I didn't intend to let that slip. As time goes on, however, I find it very easy to slip back into those old habits that got me into such bad shape in the first place. I've had a few days where I honestly wanted to check myself back into the hospital. A lot of days I get through by just trying to survive one moment to the next. I wonder sometimes if I'll ever not be depressed on some level.

I got a call last week about a job at the company I worked for before I had Gracie. I am considering going back to work there. My friends' and family's opinions of that are mixed and I'm still trying to decide if it would be a good thing. Part of me wants to wait until this fall when Gracie is in preschool and see how that goes. We'll see.

Title Goes Here!

2007-06-28T21:50:00.000-04:00

I am absolutely fresh out of ideas for interesting titles on blog posts!

Great news this week: I have been released by both my psychiatrist and my therapist. My family doc will do whatever is necessary with the Zoloft from here on out. Last night I stopped taking the Trazodone with no ill effects and decent sleep so I hope I'm off that for good. It helped immensely at first but I think it is time to move on.

Katherine is now 2 months old! Night before last she slept 5.5 hours straight. Yesterday she got her two month shots so she was a little cranky but she still slept well last night. About 7:30 tonight she got very, very fussy. Which was bad for me because I am parenting solo right now and I was desperately trying to get a very tired three year old into bed. I finally had both of them screaming and crying at the same time so I just shut the door on Gracie and went outside to walk Katherine. Gracie finally calmed down. I suspect it was one of those things where she was crying one second and out cold the next! Katherine... well, that's another story. She cried off and one for two hours. I was finally able to lay her down on the boppy pillow and give her the binky and she just now fell asleep. Sweet release! Who cares that she's downstairs in my office and not in the crib! I plan to zonk out right next to her in a few minutes!

My depression is a lot better than it was. I still have periods of sadness and crying spells but they don't last very long and they're very predictable now. Invariably J will leave for work and that night, after everyone is asleep, the sadness overwhelms me. During the day I do pretty well but some days I have to force myself to get out, around other people. Times like tonight, where everyone was crying at once, previously would have stressed me to the breaking point. Tonight I was able to stay in control of my reaction to the situation. I credit the Zoloft with helping me do that.

Life marches on. Life is pretty good. Right now I feel like a survivor. Hopefully I will continue to feel that way.

Still Here

2007-06-10T14:58:00.000-04:00

I'm still here and doing a lot better than I was. I'm still struggling with the depression but it's not as bad as before and the really bad periods of it aren't lasting nearly as long.

I must admit that when the counselor first brought up the idea of a hospital stay, one of my thoughts was what will people think? I have been so encouraged and strengthened by everyone's comments. Without fail, everyone that I have shared my story with has been very supportive. The only thing I've been chastened about was for not telling people sooner what I was going through.

I am continuing to see a counselor although I think next week may be my last session. It has been very good for me to talk over some things and get some ideas on how to handle life at the moment. I have also started back to journaling regularly and this has helped give me some perspective on my life.

My husband has really stepped up to the plate. I'm very proud of him. I tried to talk to him one day about how he felt about the events of the last several weeks and his response was: I don't really want to think about it. It is what it is. I'd rather just deal with what is right now and move on with life. The more I think about it, the more I like that response and I'm trying to claim it as my own. I try not to spend too much time brooding over what happened or feeling guilty about things. Instead I'm trying to focus on concrete things I can do to make my life better. Last week J and I sat down and coordinated our calendars. We built in time for him to do his free-time activities and also for me to have some free time. We also made sure to build in plenty of time for us as a family. I suppose all that sounds rather obvious but it's not something we've ever done. I anticipate that becoming a weekly ritual in our house! I am also taking G to the sitter every week during the summer.

One of the things the counselor got me thinking about was whether or not being a stay at home mom is still a good fit for me. I am toying with the idea of looking around for a part time job to get me out of the house and interacting with people.

I had my 6 week checkup last week. I can't believe it's been so long! I still have some stitches that haven't dissolved which surprised the midwife and also has kept things tender down there. I have a prescription for a progesterone only pill which I suppose I will get started on one of these days. It scares me though because, even taken 100% correctly (same time every single day), they have somewhat lower rates of pregnancy prevention than combined pills. It's hard to believe that after all my trials with infertility, I am now deathly afraid of getting pregnant again! I had wanted to use an IUD but the OB who treated me thinks that would probably not be a wise choice given the unknown state of my innards. So when I feel more physically ready, I plan to get my tubes tied and while they're in there, they will do some exploration to asses just what damage was done after delivery by the retained placenta detaching. Worst case we might have to consider a hysterectomy although that's unlikely given that I've had no further problems except continued spotting. But I need to be physically and emotionally ready for that option. So in the meantime I'll do the minipill and hold my breath!

Surviving

2007-06-01T14:21:00.000-04:00

It's been 12 days since my last post: several days of pure hell and many days on the road to recovery. Here's the story:

In my last post I said that I wasn't getting along very well by myself with two kids and hubby gone back to work. I knew that I had post-partum depression; I just didn't realize how bad. My good friend T had started calling me daily to check up on me. She is the one who came to visit a few weeks ago and she experienced PPD with her last two kids. She called me Monday morning and I had just really hit rock bottom. She gave me the ultimatum that either I call my midwife or she would. I knew she was serious so I went ahead and called because I knew I couldn't go on like I was. The midwife talked to me a bit, asking me questions. The final trigger question was "Have you had any thoughts of hurting anyone?". For some reason I was compelled to answer truthfully. Yes, I told her, I had thought many times about hurting someone. Who? My babies. At that point, just saying that out loud to another person was more than I could bear and I broke down crying. I didn't stop for the next 12 hours. The midwife asked if I could come see her right then. I went. She explained to me that I needed help right then and I agreed. She had already made arrangements for me to see a counselor at the Behavioural Health Unit of the hospital. She even took me over there herself. I ended up talking to the counselor for almost 4 hours. At some point, she broached the idea of hospitalization so that I could get started right away on medications and also have a break from everything and get some rest. I was totally resistant to the idea because I didn't want anything to interfere with nursing Katherine. In the end, I left her office rather against her advice and went home. I sat in a chair with Katherine in my arms and continued to cry. A few hours later my friend JE came over and she talked with me and brought me to the acceptance of doing inpatient treatment. She promised to take care of my babies so I allowed her to take me.

I could write a lot about my 3 days in the psychiatric ward of the hospital but the experience is too raw so I won't right now. Suffice it to say that I got myself together somewhat and got a little rest and spend time talking to counselors. It's been 8 days since I got out. I am on Zoloft and also Trazadone to help me sleep without affecting the baby. I am still nursing and Katherine continues to thrive. I am getting tons of help from my family and I think they are almost ready to relax their 24 hour/day guard of me. That has been one of the hardest things for me: not being able to be left alone with my kids and knowing full well that that was the best course of action. I saw a psychiatrist yesterday who upped my Zoloft dosage and I am also seeing a counselor every few days who has been really helpful in getting me thinking and talking. I still have a very long ways to go but I am also a very long ways from where I was 8 days ago. I have completely lost all my pregnancy weight although in the circumstances that is probably not a good thing since I basically lost my appetite and ate very little. But that is getting better now. The medicine helps me to get to sleep faster and sleep deeper and on top of that, Katherine is beginning to go 4-5 hour stretches at night. She is still sleeping with me which I have ceased to worry about. Each day has enough worries of its own!

This is the first time since my breakdown that I have gotten on the computer. I am hopelessly behind in all my emails and blogs. Again, not worrying too much about that. I hope this post might help someone else out there. Everyone I come into contact with rushes to assure me how completely normal I am. Hopefully it will continue that way.

Surviving Single-Parenthood

2007-05-20T20:48:00.000-04:00

I'm on my third day of four days of single parenthood. I can't say that I've done very well. No shower. I think I brushed my teeth once or twice. If I can't do it with a baby in one arm, it just doesn't get done. Not to mention that I've experienced every symptom of post-partum depression in one form or another. No, things have not been going well. My newborn seems to get more high-maintenance every day. This morning, though, we had a sort of a breakthrough.

A little background first... Before G was born I read all the books and did all the research and decided that we would go the co-sleeping, baby-wearing route. About 3 days into the parenthood thing, the co-sleeping thing went out the door. I quickly figured out it just wasn't for us. We moved her into the crib in her own room and she has been a great sleeper ever since. More and more, though, I am realizing what a different baby Katherine is and this morning I brought her to bed with me. We both slept a solid 3 hours and I woke up feeling like a different person. I can't decide now what I want to do. I am tempted to bring her to bed tonight, if for no other reason than to get a good night's sleep and try and get out of this deep, dark, black funk that I'm in. On the other hand, my general motto with kids is to start as you intend to finish. In other words, I have this real fear that if I let Katherine in my bed at this point, she'll still be there when she's 20. I know it's an irrational fear but since when are depressed people rational?

I did a fair amount of carrying G around in the Baby Bjorn when she was small. I am definitely doing it more with Katherine. She just does not like to be put down.

On that note, someone just woke up and wants feeding.

One of those days

2007-05-17T16:46:00.000-04:00

Last night I had to take a Benadryl to ward off the start of a sinus thing. I hesitated to take it because Katherine was having one of "those" nights where she decided to be fussy and wake up every half hour. By 8am this morning I felt like a train had run over me. Probably should have stayed home and slept but we had promised Gracie we would go do something fun so we did. By lunch time I was still tired but felt like I might make it through the day. We got home and put Gracie in her room for her "rest" and I fed and changed Katherine and then laid down for mine. 10 minutes later Katherine was crying again so we repeated the feed. I laid down again. 10 minutes later J's phone rang (he had it set at full volume) which woke everyone up. I went back to sleep for about 10 minutes when Katherine woke up again. At that point I totally gave up on a nap. I fed Katherine and put her in her swing and proceeded to clean up G's play room, a project I have been wanting to tackle for some time now. Of course, an hour later Katherine was still sleeping peacefully and G was ready to get up but by golly I have a clean play room now. Here's hoping that both my sinuses and Katherine behave themselves tonight and let me get some sleep. J leaves this evening to go back to work for 4 days. Here comes the true test of single-parenting a toddler and infant!

3 Weeks

2007-05-15T13:40:00.000-04:00

My best friend left last night after a great visit and I am really missing her today. The first day she was here she took my two and her 4 year old to the park and I got to take a nap. I truly thought I wasn't all that tired until I woke up and realized how hard I had slept. I took a nap every day after that! The next day she cleaned my house. She swept, mopped, vacuumed, and cleaned all the bathrooms and the kitchen. I'm not a neat freak but I do like things clean and tidy. I can't tell you how much better I felt to walk around in a clean house. The next day she spent cooking. Every time I go to the basement now I open my chest freezer and just gaze inside. I have enough food to last me at least 2 months. Plus she brought me some of her favorite recipe books with easy casseroles marked for when I start cooking again. The other two days she was here we spent just having fun and getting me out and about. I was sad to see her go.

In other news, my bathroom claims that I only have 6 pounds to go to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Where all those extra pounds went I have no idea. I feel like I've been on a non-stop eating binge for the last 3 weeks. Nearly everyone who brought food also brought some sort of desert so it's not like I haven't been indulging in chocolate cake. I'm already wearing a lot of my regular skirts which didn't happen with Gracie until she was 3 months old. I'm not complaining, mind you; I just really wonder where it all went. Maybe when I start exercising in a couple of weeks I can actually lose that 5-10# that I wanted to lose before I got pregnant!

I talked with my friend a little about post-partum depression. After she had her 4th child she got pretty severe PPD. She swears by St. John's Wort; she said it took about 3 weeks but when it kicked in it cured her of the worst of the symptoms. I've been doing a little research and am leaning towards trying it. I want to discuss it with my midwife and get her take. Have any of you had any experience with it or know someone who does?

2 Weeks

2007-05-08T09:41:00.000-04:00

Yesterday my baby turned 2 weeks old. It was also her official due date. Wow - it really does seem like she's been here longer!

My doula came yesterday for a post-partum visit. She brought gifts for the baby and Gracie and also a nicely printed birth story for me. Since she got there just as Katherine was crowning, I was curious to see how she would make a birth story out of it. She did a really good job and wrote in the form of a letter from her to the baby and it was really nicely done.

Physically I am feeling pretty darn good these days. I'm still taking it pretty easy. The only bad thing is that I am either starting to get a yeast infection or one of my stitches is getting a little infected. Yesterday I started taking acidophilus in earnest and today it seems to be a bit better, so maybe I've headed it off at the pass. In retrospect, with all the high-powered antibiotics I was on in the hospital, I should have started the acidophilus as soon as I got home.

Emotionally I am also doing pretty well. It's been a week since my last "episode" (as J calls them, the attack of the aliens) and I'm happy about that. There have been a few times that I felt like I would succumb to another episode of depression but I have been able to quickly get on top of it, which tells me that they are not nearly as bad as I've had in the past.

Katherine continues to have her days and nights mixed up. The really strange thing is that I'm not more physically exhausted. Last night I got in bed about 11 and she woke up just shy of every two hours. But she's only awake for about 20 minutes and then I'm back in bed. I got up around 8 this morning feeling tired but not as exhausted as you would think. Still, I'll be ready for an afternoon nap!

This is going to be my first full day alone with both girls. J left at 5 this morning to work on his airplane with some friends. He has a function to attend tonight so he probably won't be home till well after Gracie's bedtime. But my fridge is stocked with food and the house is reasonably clean so all I have to worry about is taking care of the three of us. I am even entertaining the notion of taking us all to have lunch in the park. I mean, if I'm on my own I might as well do it up big!

My best friend arrives here on Thursday and I am so looking forward to it. I am mainly anticipating having conversation time with another adult. I think that right now for me is even more important than getting sleep in terms of heading off the depression.

Self-Worth

2007-05-06T16:02:00.000-04:00

I loved this article titled:
Stay-at-home mom’s work worth $138,095
Annual amount she’d earn as a housekeeper, cook and psychologist
I liked the concept of the article, not so much for the dollar amount (like anyone is actually going to send me a paycheck for what I do) but for the list of all the jobs that we as Moms do. I think the job list applies whether you work at home or outside of it. For a while now I have entertained the thought of adding a section to my resume for these years of staying at home and list all the various things I do. I mean, it's a valid job, right? And a lot of what I do at home would directly transfer over to a job situation, such as organizing and managing and teaching. Now excuse me while I go wipe the puke off my glasses and change a dirty diaper. And figure out how that translates to resume experience.

Change in tactics

2007-05-05T20:01:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about what to do with this blog. According to the title, I should have closed up shop with my BFP last year. I know a lot of you who read and follow my story are in your own struggle to TTC which makes me think maybe I should end it here. But I find that blogging really helps me sort out things and makes things somewhat clearer for me. I have a sneaking suspicion that it will be a good tool in my battle against the post-partum depression that I can't help but believe is coming. So I've decided to keep the blog and unapologetically change the focus to the ins and outs of raising my two beautiful girls. I'm keeping my blogroll up to date and I will be following all the stories that I have for the past almost 2 years. I hope someone out there will continue to benefit from my journey.

If my little Gracie had been as good a baby as Katherine, I would have ordered up at least 2 more just like her. Granted, she's still got her days and nights mixed up. But the only time she cries is when she's hungry or trying to burb. She's content to sit in the swing or the pak-n-play or even lay on the bathroom floor while I shower. I am probably jinxing things but so far she is just a really good, laid back kid.

Gracie, on the other hand..... I knew having a sibling would be tough on her. I knew it would take me time to recover and that other people would have to give her the attention she was used to and that it wouldn't be the amount she was used to. Over the past almost two weeks I've made lots of excuses for her. Today, however, was my breaking point and at the end of the day I finally admitted to J the inevitable truth: we've got a royal brat on our hands. I told him no more excuses for the situation. It is what it is and she needs to learn to accept it. Obviously our approach so far has not helped. Time for Mama to get mean. No, not mean. Strict.

I've always watched with a certain amount of trepidation some parent-child encounters. You know what I mean; you've seen them too.
Mom: stop that
kid: [continues]
Mom: stop that or I'm going to [spank, timeout, whatever]
kid: [continues]
Mom: you really need to stop that
ad infinitum
Today I realized that I was in a loop like that with Gracie. No wonder she turned into a spoiled brat overnight. She can do whatever she likes with no consequences and she's determined to take full advantage of it. No more. Tomorrow is a whole new day and a whole new Mama. Poor kid.

In other news, my stitches seem to be healing. At least, they're itching like heck. I didn't have stitches with G but I'm assuming the itching is normal. Physically I feel almost normal, if a little sleep deprived. But not terribly sleep-deprived; nothing that an afternoon nap can't cure. If only G hadn't just given hers up. Today I took one anyway and put a movie on for her. I came down two hours later to discover that she had been at my desk and ate a chunk out of my glue stick. Yep. Ate it. I think I should be more worried about what's in my child's stomach and if I hadn't told her at least a million and one times not to touch anything there I might be more concerned. She seemed mightily pleased with herself to be telling me she ate it. I almost wish it had glued her mouth shut for a while.

Busy Day

2007-05-04T17:14:00.000-04:00

Let's see... woke up this morning and had breakfast. Showered. Had fast food lunch at the park and hung out there for almost 2 hours soaking up the sun and taking a bit of a nap. Came home and sat around all afternoon. And guess what? I'm exhausted! Last night J took Katherine and I got a 3 hour stretch of sleep. What luxury. I guess tonight will probably be my night and I'm rather dreading it. She wakes up at night every hour to hour and a half. Considering that feedings take 20-30 minutes, I don't get much sleep in between. When I went through this with G, it seemed like eternity stretched before me and I often felt like I would never again get a good nights' sleep and that really contributed to the depression. This time around I know there's an end in sight. I'm hoping Katherine will be as good a sleeper as G and have a solid schedule by 12 months.

Speaking of sleep, I've given up on G's afternoon nap. The last few days I put her in her room about 2pm and she will play until about 4:30 or so. Then she falls asleep and wants to sleep till 6pm or later and she's really grumpy. Since I never seem to catch her before she actually falls asleep too late, I've decided to just forgo the nap and see how that goes. So much for afternoon alone time! I find I'm looking forward already to the start of preschool when I can hopefully have some morning alone time!

A post about food

2007-05-02T19:11:00.000-04:00

Katherine went for a weigh-in today and I'm happy to report that she is now one ounce over her birth weight. My SIL says that babies don't usually get back to their birth weight until closer to 2 weeks. So that made me very, very happy. Apparently she is getting more milk than I think.

I am getting help this week in the form of meals from my Mothers of Preschoolers group. I would never have guessed what a huge help that would be. Someone brings something every other day around dinner time and the off days we have plenty of leftovers. The only other pressing chore that absolutely has to get done is laundry and J and I are working that out pretty well. Oh, and I have also left all the dishes to him to do and he hasn't complained about that once! Anything else in the house is basically just not getting done but I'm trying not to lose any sleep over it!

Thanks for all the encouraging comments about my depression. Last night was a black episode and J is now calling it the attack of my aliens. I suppose it is rather like being possessed. My doula called the other day to check up on me and immediately she asked me how I was handling my depression; apparently it was that evident from my voice. She has pointed me in the direction of some local resources which I'll pursue as I am able to.

One Week

2007-04-30T11:27:00.000-04:00

I thought I would post a one week old picture. Physically I am feeling much better. My abdominal pain is gone and the swelling and pain of the stitches is minimal as long as I'm careful when I walk around. I'm in that in-between state where I feel like I could be doing things but I know it would set me back if I do too much. For now I am hanging out mostly upstairs and doing easy things like putting away a few pieces of laundry every now and then.

Emotionally, the depression is settling in much sooner than it did with G. Maybe because I'm just more aware of it this time around. J totally does not understand that you can't just smile your way out of depression and his being unable to understand what's going on with me makes him back off and keep his distance. One of the items on my to-do list is to start researching treatments for depression and their impact on nursing. I am definitely going to seek treatment this time around, sooner rather than later, but first I need to know what the options are and be informed.

Katherine is doing great. Breastfeeding still has me a little worried but she seems to be doing fine and my milk supply seems to be coming in okay. Nights are challenging because she just wants to be held all night. Days are easier because she is content in the swing or on the floor. I've figured out a technique of sleeping in the recliner with her at night that keeps her content and me reasonably well rested.

Things with G are much harder. I can tell that she is stressed and she acts up because of it, stressing me and causing me to sometimes take my frustrations out on her, creating a vicious cycle. Hopefully now that I am feeling a little better I will be able to spend more quality time with her. She did sleep much better last night so I'm holding out hope that we've hit the low point and it gets all better from here. She loves Katherine though and is always quick to give her a kiss or pay attention to her when she cries. J had something to do today so he took her to the sitter's. It's nice to have a bit of a break with just me and the baby!

The Aftermath

2007-04-28T15:38:00.000-04:00

Despite the quick timing, I'd have to say that, overall, my birthing experience was pretty good. The aftermath was not so good.

As soon as Katherine was born I put her to the breast and she sucked like a champ. I don't know how much time passed (maybe 15-20 minutes?) but at some point the midwife asked me to work on pushing out the placenta. Something about her tone of voice made me aware that things were, once again, not going exactly to plan. After a while of trying (there again, I don't know how long) the cord detached from the placenta. Not good. What happens next is not for the squeamish or faint of heart. Basically she had to reach up into the uterus and try a "manual extraction": she reached up in there and tried to detach it from the uterine lining and pull it out. Mine happened to be attached at the very top of the uterus. I am not exaggerating the following: she was in almost up to her elbow. Did I mention I got a second degree tear from the birth? This was not fun. In fact, it was much, much worse than any of the labor and delivery. After a while she said she was going to call in the OB on call because it was looking very much like I would require a D&C to get it out. Of course, in an effort to spare me surgery, the OB also tried a manual extraction. My doula didn't get to help out with labor but she was a huge help getting me through this.

In the end it was decided to do surgery. The midwife sat down with me and explained that there was a good chance I would end up requiring a hysterectomy. I guess when a placenta is stuck and they finally detach it, there is a very high risk of uncontrolled bleeding, in which case the only thing to do is remove the uterus. I told her I was fine with whatever they needed to do so long as I was around to raise my kids. In the recovery room the first thing they told me was that I did not need a hysterectomy and that everything was fine.

I'll spare you a blow by blow of the next few days. Suffice to say that everything was not really fine. Here's the OB's theory on what happened to me: In order to repair my septum they basically scraped tissue from the top of the uterus. I remember the fertility doc saying that it "thinned out" on the top right side quite a bit but shouldn't be a problem. When I got pregnant, the placenta attached to the scar tissue (which I understand is quite common). The placenta probably grew into the uterine wall a little too much, embedding itself in the scar tissue. When it finally detached, it left behind a small tear in the uterus and that tear allowed blood and air to escape up into my abdomen. It also left me severely anemic. A normal person has a hemoglobin level of 12-14. Within 12 hours after my delivery my hemoglobin was hovering around 7 and the next day it had dropped to 6. I agreed to a blood transfusion and within a day I was feeling like I might make it through the experience. Throughout my days in the hospital I had some pretty intense belly pain and was on some strong IV pain meds. I'm still pretty sore.

The thing I worried most about through all this is my ability to breastfeed. My milk is just now starting to come in but we have been lucky so far in that Katherine has not lost too much weight, nor is she showing anything but very, very mild signs of jaundice. My SIL (aka pediatrician) is not concerned at all and is not even suggesting I supplement her. I think it's going to work but that is still my biggest fear right now.

My second biggest fear is this hole in my uterus. The OB thinks that as the uterus shrinks down in size, the hole will seal itself off. As long as the uterus never stretches to pregnancy proportions again, the hole and corresponding weak area of scar tissue should never pose a problem. Theoretically. I am supposed to have a follow up appointment with him in about 3 weeks. I've been doing some serious thinking about whether or not I should just go ahead and have a hysterectomy once I'm all healed up from this ordeal. The whole situation makes preventing another pregnancy that much more vital and a hysterectomy would certainly solve that problem. Strange how this blog started with me wanting so desperately to get pregnant and now I'm worried about that very thing happening again.

Thanks for everyone's comments and well-wishes. I am still following all your blogs and will continue to follow the stories, hoping for a BFP for everyone.

The Birth Story

2007-04-27T18:25:00.000-04:00

This is going to be pretty short!

To recap a bit, at my 36w3d appt, I was already 3cm but not effaced. At my 37w3d appt, I was almost 4cm and 50% effaced. After that appointment I stopped having any contractions but I did start to lose my mucous plug. I felt great Thursday through Saturday. Sunday (37w6d) I woke up feeling just "off" and not so good. Around 10pm Sunday night I was sitting around talking to J and I realized that I was having mild back pain. I called my good friend Janet (a L&D nurse at the hospital) and warned her that things might be going to happen. I went ahead and went to bed, hoping to get a bit of sleep. At around 2:30am, after dozing off and on, I finally got up as the back pain was getting more intense and less bearable. At that point I was still not having any contractions.
I went in to my bathroom and got down on my hands and knees which immediately relieved the back pain. I stayed that way about half and hour when all of a sudden I realized that I was having contractions. I tried unsuccessfully to time them. In retrospect, it was impossible because they were coming right on top of each other, lasting probably a couple of minutes with maybe 30 seconds in between. Finally about 3:30 I called Janet again and she insisted I call the midwife. I know it sounds stupid but I was hesitant because I couldn't say how far apart my contractions were! So I paged her and called out for J to get up and get dressed. The details are a bit sketchy in my mind but between 3:30ish and about 4:15, I continued to labor and in between I got stuff together and J got ready too. He called some friends who live close by to come and stay with G. I also called my doula and said we were heading out to the hospital. I had to page my midwife several times before she actually got the page and it finally clicked in my head that we needed to head to the hospital sooner rather than later! We were in the car sometime around 4:15 and my midwife called on our way to the hospital. We got there several minutes later and pulled up at the ER entrance. I got in a wheelchair and my friend Janet met us on the way back to L&D. They got me in a bed and checked me and I was already 9cm. My midwife showed up and quickly got a gown on and checked me. She said I was almost 10cm with a little lip of cervix. I told her I had to push and she said to go for it. Within about 5 minutes of her arriving and with only 2 or 3 contractions, Katherine was born. My doula arrived just as I was crowning! J was on one side of me and Janet was on the other and that was about the only thing in my ideal birth plan that came to pass!

Did I mention that it was a very fast labor?! In retrospect, my labor with G was very similar. It started with my water breaking so I did all my laboring in the hospital, but once the contractions really started with her, she was born about 3 hours later.

If the story just ended there it would be perhaps a wonderful labor and delivery story. Unfortunately for me, it did not end there. Later on I'll post the drama of the aftermath.

We're Back!

2007-04-26T21:56:00.000-04:00

The Good: Katherine Hope made her appearance at 4:47am on Monday the 23rd of April. Birth story to follow. Katherine did great from the very beginning.

The Bad: A retained placenta meant an emergency D&C for me.

The Ugly: I passed out Monday evening and was having severe abdominal pain. A CT scan showed air and blood in my abdomen. It was finally determined that there was a small tear in my uterus. A blood transfusion Tuesday evening finally had me feeling like a human on Wednesday. We were able to come home today (Thursday).

Obviously there are lots of stories to be had from this week! I am healing but am severely anemic. We were oh so lucky that my uterus did not rupture and that I didn't have to have a hysterectomy for the retained placenta. But we are so much more lucky that all the drama happened to me and that my little Hope is perfect in every way. Here's a picture to tide you over until I can get all the details posted. Oh, she weighed 7 lb 9 oz and was 20" long.

37w6d Going and Going and Going

2007-04-22T19:18:00.000-04:00

I must have the energi.zer bunny of mucous plugs: ever since early yesterday morning it just keeps on coming out. I have read some women describe theirs as up to softball size when it comes out intact. I truly understand now how that can be. I'm beginning to wonder if mine was more basketball sized!

The last 3 days I have felt really good and yesterday I felt almost normal - like I wasn't pregnant at all. Today I have not been feeling well at all. My nether regions are very swollen and painful which I suppose is the varicose veins protesting all the walking and exercise ball sitting I've done over the last few days. I also took a nap today.... for 4 hours! Right now I am just counting the minutes till I can put G in bed and go back to bed myself. I have also been feeling somewhat nauseas and the back plumbing department is pretty loose (sorry - TMI!). Off and on today I've been having the very mild contractions again and a few Braxton Hicks. I can only hope that all this together adds up to an imminent labor. On the one hand I want to run around and get my house cleaned up but on the other I want to just sit and save up my energy. I will probably do some of both. I will try to update when there's something to update with!

37w5d

2007-04-21T09:45:00.000-04:00

At my midwife appointment week before last, when she checked me for the first time, it seemed to get things going. For the next 7 days I had mild contractions and lots of Braxton Hicks. Ever since I was checked this past week, nothing, nada, zip is going on! Every now and then I have a mild contraction but it's more like once or twice a day rather than an hour. The only positive thing that's happened since then is that I definitely lost part or all of my mucous plug this morning. Some women report it coming out in one big blob. That wasn't my experience; it was more like tons and tons and tons of fertile CM that just kept coming and coming and coming.... That was several hours ago and it's still coming. I still find it incredible that the cervix can be open and have all this stuff still lodged up there. I'm thinking maybe losing the plug is more related to cervical effacement than dilation: as the cervix basically goes away, this stuff has nowhere to lodge.

So, no real news to report. I have been doing as much walking as I can stand the last few days. Fortunately we are having beautiful spring weather here in central Ohio so G and I can go to the park. Usually my trips to the park are spent on the bench reading. Now I've been walking around in circles while G plays and she really doesn't know what to make of it! J is due home tonight and I'm really hoping that psychologically my body will feel ready to get off its break and "let go"! I'll try to keep posting here every few days with my status.

37w3d

2007-04-19T10:52:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning to see a small spot of blood on my pad and a little more when I wiped. I never thought the red stuff could be so exciting! When I told the midwife about it plus the fact that I have been having mild contractions all week, she said she wanted to check me again. Last week I was 3cm but not at all effaced. This week I'm almost 4cm and 50% effaced. She said she didn't feel my waters bulging so she doesn't think they'll break anytime soon but the Group B Strep makes it much more likely that the water will break before real labor sets in. She said she wouldn't be surprised if I delivered this weekend but it could be just as likely that it might be a week or two. But the good news is that I'm almost through the "latent" phase of labor. The active phase is 4-10cm. So I'm supposed to call her when the contractions are 5-6 minutes apart and are strong enough for me to have to stop what I'm doing. Or if my water breaks. She said if my water breaks at this point it would not be a big deal - it would probably be the thing to jump start real labor. So after all this time of hoping labor didn't start that way, I now find myself hoping that's what happens! J is off on a trip today and then plans to spend several days in Memphis working on some stuff. He assures me he's just a phone call and airplane ride away but I am so stressed that he might not make it in time.

So even with all this I find myself still waiting. But I am at least a little more hopeful that the wait might not be much longer.

37w2d

2007-04-18T08:54:00.000-04:00

I am so done being pregnant! I continue to have very mild contractions throughout the day. It's not that they hurt. Rather, they keep me on edge, wondering if/when they're going to turn into something more. To add to that, J was supposed to be off until Tuesday of next week but he accepted an assignment and leaves tonight and comes home tomorrow. I know it's an assignment he needs to take but I just have this niggling feeling that he's not going to be around for the birth.

As the baby gets bigger I find that her movements are much more uncomfortable. This morning she seems to have gotten a foot caught in my rib cage. Sounds cute until you're actually trying to get unstuck from that position.

Okay, enough wining! I spent a fair amount of time yesterday walking around. I find that my vulvular varicose veins don't bother me nearly as much since I stopped exercising regularly, so walking is actually an option now. I'm going to do more of it today.

37 Weeks: Home Stretch

2007-04-16T09:21:00.000-04:00

Wow! 37 weeks. It was a mere 7 weeks ago that I made a trip to L&D with mild contractions and all the angst of possible pre-term labor. Where has the time gone?! Someone told me the other day that my pregnancy has passed very quickly for them but it probably didn't seem that way to me. Looking at the day to day perspective, it seems to creep by. But if I think about where I've been, it seems so quick! It's been almost a year since May 1 of last year when I had my HSG that diagnosed my septum. May 26 of last year was when I had surgery to correct it. And now here I am, about to have the baby that resulted from all that. Wow!

My BH and contractions have really tapered off but this morning I'm having a lot more discharge. Every little sign and symptom gets paid a lot of attention! But, I've been informed by both my hubby and SIL that I'm not allowed to have the baby this week. SIL is off at a medical conference for the week. J wants to get a bunch of stuff done this week and out of the way. So I guess I'm supposed to just hold my breath and hope for the best! I promised them both that I wouldn't do anything to try and bring on labor this week.

36w6d Breastfeeding

2007-04-15T10:17:00.000-04:00

One day to go to that magic 37 week mark! Yesterday my BH/contractions dropped off considerably. I'm starting to get more in the mindset that this baby is coming closer to her due date, despite walking around with a partially opened cervix.

The past several mornings I've woken up to quite firm breasts that feel really full of milk. If you've breastfed before, it's that feeling you get just before you're baby is ready to nurse: not quite painful but reminding you there's milk in there. It's rather exciting for me because breastfeeding is one of the things I'm really looking forward to with this baby. My experience breastfeeding G was absolutely wonderful but abruptly cut off by an illness (mine) when she was 11 months old.

Previously I had thought that I wouldn't try to pump and freeze. I pumped a little with G but it was such a hassle. This time I signed up with the formula makers to get free samples and I figured I would just use those the few times someone else kept the new baby. Now that I have the deep freezer, though, I decided to think more about freezing. If you have breastfeeding questions, I've always found the Kelly Mom website to be really good. In particular, this page has information about how long you can freeze breast milk. In a deep freeze at 0 degrees, it will freeze 6-12 months. Wow! This means that I can freeze along the way in the early months and have plenty of supplies when she gets to the point where I will leave her with someone else. So, I might pull out my pumping supplies after all.

36w5d Counting the "Symptoms"

2007-04-14T12:47:00.000-04:00

Ever since the internal on Thursday, I feel like I am right on the brink of going into labor. Right there but not quite! Both evenings/nights since then I've had lots of Braxton-Hicks, interspersed with very mild contractions. Nothing to count or time or anything. But they're definitely there. Yesterday and today I have had a definite increase in cervical mucous. It's much thicker than before and almost brown-tinged. I assume this is my mucus plug breaking up, although it seems to me that at 3cm, whatever was in there surely would have come out by now. But what do I know? Last night a number of times I would feel her kicking at the top of my uterus and I could actually feel the corresponding pressure of her head on my cervix. A few times it was actually quite painful. Today I've been feeling more mild contractions than the BH but still nothing that makes me stop and want to time them.

So, lots of symptoms to obsess over but nothing definite. J is on a trip until Monday. One of his flights on Monday is a special exam that he really doesn't want to miss as it is the last step in him getting sort of a promotion (and corresponding raise!). While I'd like for him to get that out of the way before the baby comes, on the other hand I'm having a hard time imagining these BH/contractions going on for days on end. Time will tell......

36w3d: 3cm!

2007-04-12T11:28:00.000-04:00

Yep, the midwife checked me this morning and I'm already 3cm! I have been debating whether or not I would ask her to go ahead and check but she beat me to it and said she'd like to as she likes to have a "baseline" around 36-37 weeks. She asked if I was feeling lower pressure and I said definitely, and I even feel like sometimes she's going to fall out when I stand up. She said my cervix is still pretty long so there is no effacement yet; but she said it's quite common on subsequent babies for the cervix to efface while it dilates. So the bottom line is that I still don't really know anything yet. I could walk around like this for a few more weeks or labor could be imminent. We'll just have to wait and see. The last few days I've been feeling an increase in crampiness which I take to be Braxton Hicks but are obviously doing something down there. Let the waiting continue!

36 Weeks

2007-04-09T09:49:00.000-04:00

Can't believe I'm finally here at 36 weeks! I thought I was in waiting mode before but I realized this morning that I'm in a whole new waiting mode now. It's funny to me (from this vantage point) how closely parallel is waiting to conceive the baby and then waiting to birth the baby. I find myself scrutinizing cervical fluid wondering not if it's fertile but if it's actually part of the mucous plug. I've seen a marked increase in fluid the last few days but nothing I can definitively call part of the plug. I also have cramps to pay attention to and scrutinize now. They have no regularity and aren't anywhere near what I would call contractions but I do wonder if they are mild ones that might perhaps be doing something.

So, lots to obsess over! I've noticed that people have stopped asking me how far along I am. The question now is "How much longer?"!!

This weekend, in a supreme burst of energy, I cleaned my upstairs. The vacuum cleaner has been sitting in my upstairs hall for 2 weeks waiting for that burst. My house right now is in a state such that I'm not ashamed for anyone to see it. Actually, it hasn't been this neat and clean in some time!

My other project was to design birth announcements. This was one thing I didn't do for G; I sent an email to most of the people we knew and the few who didn't have email, I mailed a picture with a note. The emails were actually nice because almost everyone responded and I saved all those for G's baby book. But I decided to do something a little different this time around so I'm sending out some simple announcements. With all the energy, I also managed to address all the envelopes!

That's all for now. Just waiting....

35w5d

2007-04-07T10:37:00.000-04:00

All my bags are packed
I'm ready to go.

Yup, the hospital bags are packed and ready to go. It feels so surreal to look at the corner of my room and see them sitting there. So, here's what I packed in case anyone is looking for a packing list:

For Baby
I basically just packed the diaper bag with:

a few diapers (the hospital provides diapers but it is a diaper bag after all!)
wipes (for some reason most hospitals don't provide these and changing a yucky meconium diaper with a wet paper towel is not fun)
hat
"coming home" outfit (basically the smallest footed pajamas I have)
a couple of newborn size onsies (probably won't be needed but they are something I will keep in the diaper bag anyway)
socks
mittens
a couple of blankets
the car seat. I know - you're supposed to install this beforehand but for some strange reason I'm just really not ready to drive around with it empty right now.

My Bag

That's it. I left out the bottle of wine. Since we only live about 5 minutes from the hospital, I decided I can always send someone home to get it if I decide I need it. Of course, there are some last minute things that I can't pack yet (like my hairbrush and my cameras). I have a very detailed list about these items and exactly where they are in case I'm not the one grabbing them.

The only other thing I'm thinking about is a gift for G when she comes to visit. I'm thinking about getting her something like a cabbage patch doll and having my friend who is a delivery room nurse there bring it in in a bassinet just like the real baby. I think it will help her to have her "own" baby to do stuff on when she can't actually do it on the real baby. She is really into that stage where she wants to help me on everything and gets very frustrated when she's not capable of doing something.

35w3d Appointment

2007-04-05T15:05:00.000-04:00

Midwife appointment went great today. No sugar in my urine which was a nice change. I didn't gain any weight in the last two weeks but she didn't comment on it so I didn't ask! I asked her about what to take when Tums didn't handle the heartburn and she suggested liquid Mylanta. So I got some of that to try. We went over my birth plan and she said it was a great one because there is nothing on there that is outside of standard procedure for her. My next appointment starts the weekly visits. I didn't ask her about when or if she does internals. I go round and round about that. On the one hand I don't want to take the higher risk of infection. On the other hand, I'd love to know what's going on in there. We didn't specifically talk about it at this visit but I get the distinct impression that my midwife thinks this baby is going to be early. I suppose if I get to 38 or 39 weeks I can decide about asking for an internal exam.

I started packing the baby's bag last night which meant that I had to get on the ball to wash all the clothes. It actually took 2 loads in my front loading washer but that included the myriad of blankets and crib linens. I did open the package of newborn size diapers - I can't believe how small they look! It's so easy to forget how small babies are. With G I never used a special detergent - I just washed her stuff separately and did a second rinse on them. Even then, I only did that for maybe 6 weeks and then I just started washing her stuff with ours. Fortunately she didn't inherit my sensitive skin! My front loader washer has a "skin care rinse" that does about 3 separate rinses I think. Hopefully this one won't require anything more special than that.

Tick, tock. Just a few more days till I can start thinking labor thoughts! Actually, right now, I'm thinking 37 weeks would be a perfect time frame. We'll see what happens.

Here's my birth plan if anyone is interested:

I would like the following observed when at all possible:

- no drugs offered or administered unless firmly requested

- freedom to move about

- I would like to have the option of laboring in water

- I am aware of the need for IV penicillin for Group B Strep, but I would like to have a Heplock when the antibiotics are not being administered.

- vaginal exams only when necessary. I would prefer the midwife to do most of the exams, although it is okay for someone else to do an initial one.

- no artificial rupture of membranes unless necessary

- staff in the room should be limited to only those necessary

- eating and drinking allowed

- fetal monitoring via stethoscope or Doppler only except for the initial monitoring upon admission.

- no episiotomy unless absolutely necessary

- no medical interventions without first having discussed the benefits and risks with both of us

- immediate breastfeeding

- cord cutting delayed until pulsing stops if possible (G's cord was very short so it was cut more quickly so we could hold her)

- spontaneous placental delivery if possible

- no separation of mother and baby unless absolutely medically necessary

- in case a separation is necessary, J, M, or J should be allowed to be with the baby at all times

- no bottles or pacifiers

- anticipate 24 hour rooming in with breastfeeding on demand

- eye drops delayed until at least an hour after birth

- If a cesarean becomes absolutely necessary:

o I would prefer an epidural over general anesthesia

o J should hold baby as soon as possible so that K can see and touch

o attempt at breastfeeding as soon as is medically possible.

35w1d Doula

2007-04-03T17:32:00.000-04:00

We met with the doula again today for the second and last time. This session was all about comfort measures. She brought her "doula bag of tricks" (basically a rolling suitcase bag). She said she likes to acquaint people with what she's got in there before the heat of labor. Which was good because the first thing she pulled out of her bag was this. It looks like some sort of medieval torture device but it felt absolutely wonderful on my head! I was all prepared to say don't touch my head at all - I had a massage therapist that tried scalp massage on me once and I hated it. But I let her try it and decided I really like it. Whether I'll let her do it during labor or not remains to be seen. There other stuff was pretty basic: massage oils, things to massage with, etc. She also brought her birth ball. The only time I've used a birth ball was when I was in labor with G and it just wasn't something that worked for me at that moment. But sitting on this one was very comfortable and I could feel it stretching let muscles that are obviously out of use but ones I need to strengthen up before I try to push out a baby. So on her recommendation I plan to get one and start using it regularly. To finish up she massaged both my hands and feet. It was blissful!

J actually told me today that he needs to pack his hospital bag! Then he started listing all the stuff he wants to be sure and bring. I hadn't mentioned a hospital bag at all to him so it was neat for me to know that he is actually thinking about and looking forward to doing this all over again.

I think G is dealing with a virus or something. She has been "off" the last day or two and she woke up from her nap today with a bit of a fever. I can only hope it's nothing contagious.

35 Weeks

2007-04-02T06:03:00.000-04:00

Now that April is here I'm feeling more a sense of urgency to get things prepared. I spent a while yesterday scouring the net for ideas on what to pack in the "hospital bag". I don't remember what all I took with G but I do remember that most of it stayed in the bag! I think the doula will have us covered for most of the labor stuff, so I don't plan to bring stuff like massage oil or music or anything like that. I brought some CDs with G but don't remember listening to them. Sometime this week I will actually pack the bags and when I get that done I'll post the list of what I actually decided to pack. I also need to talk to my friend who is a L&D nurse and get her input.

Last week I bought a chest freezer. I have a bottom freezer fridge and space there has always been at a premium. Last summer I got tons of fresh vegetables from a friend who has a garden and, being the frugal person that I am, couldn't let it go to waste, so I froze a bunch of it. No regrets on doing that except for maybe the time ice cream was on sale and I couldn't buy any because there was just no space. I've also had my ice maker turned off so I can use the space taken up by the ice bucket. I was talking to my friend last week who is coming after the birth and she offered to make stuff for me to freeze while she's here. That's when I decided it was time to invest! I got the smallest one available which still has tons of space and I'll be curious to see what it does to the electric bill.

Another thing I did yesterday was to make a calendar for the month of May that I can hang up in the kitchen so that anyone coming over can see what's going on, namely to show who's bringing us food when. I was pleased to see that basically we're covered for meals from May 10th on. Depending on when this kid actually shows up, we'll hopefully have some help until then. Plus I am making extras of all our meals right now to freeze. Between that and frozen pizzas I think we'll survive. J is actually a pretty good cook if he puts his mind to it but I'd rather have him worry more about things like entertaining G and changing diapers!

Pregnancy-wise I'm feeling about the same. I started getting some crampiness again Saturday night and it continued off and on through Sunday. Saturday I actually considered taking some of the terbutaline pills but I knew I'd be up all night if I did so I decided against it. The cramps were somewhat regular, coming about every 10 minutes. But they seem to be gone now so maybe they were just Braxton Hicks. My next appointment is this coming Thursday so I'll check it out with the midwife then. I suspect that since I'll be so close to the 36 weeks mark by then that she won't be too concerned.

Time is ticking by. It's entirely possible that sometime this very month I'll actually have this baby! So another project this week will be to actually wash the baby clothes and finish getting the nursery ready. Doing that, combined with packing my bags and a session with the doula on comfort measures during labor will, I think, really serve to bring home to me that this is actually going to happen. Yes, I still check the toilet paper every single time I pee. Yes, I still wonder about every twinge. Yes, I still hold my breath somewhat when I think the baby hasn't been moving enough. Yes, I know that things can still go terribly wrong. But right now I'm allowing myself to be optimistic and look forward to meeting my new daughter.

34w5d Countdown, More Tips

2007-03-31T14:40:00.000-04:00

Only 9 days to go till I'm 36 weeks and can deliver at the local hospital. I don't know why I'm holding my breath so. I've really had no more pre-labor symptoms since the 30 week scare and there's nothing to indicate I'll deliver that early. Still.... I'll feel better when I actually hit that milestone.

Only 30 days to go till I'm 39 weeks (when I delivered my daughter).

The other day I was making out a grocery list and started thinking about how the shopping will get done when I'm not able to do it myself. Mostly I was thinking in terms of how to get it paid for. If J is doing the shopping it's no problem. But my best friend will be here for several days and I'm sure she'll do a lot of shopping for me (she has promised to make a bunch of stuff for me and freeze it!). Plus there might be times when people drop by and offer to pick up things. I'm not a cash person and I rarely have more than $20 on me. It occurred to me to buy a gift card to the local grocery store that I could just hand over to whoever is doing the shopping. My last trip I bought one and I plan to buy more each time I go (I'm buying them in increments to spread out the cost a bit). This way I don't have to worry about paying anyone back and the added advantage is that I can just use up whatever's left over when I start doing the shopping again.

Another tip I just read over at Parent Hacks and will definitely try. They suggest freezing hair gel in ziploc bags for ice packs. The advantage of the gel over water is that the gel will supposedly not freeze as hard as water. I can attest to the need for ice packs after a vaginal delivery. I didn't try them till about a week after I came home but oh what a huge difference they made. I ended up using the ice packs from my Avent pump and go set because they didn't freeze rock solid. I would freeze them and then put them in a ziploc to use. The problem was that I only had two. So definitely on my shopping list is a thing of hair gel and the snack size ziploc bags. I think that will make the perfect size for down there. I plan to freeze a few test runs and test them out and I'll let you know how well they work.

34w1d Is it just me or is it hot in here?

2007-03-27T16:10:00.000-04:00

It's currently 77 degrees here in central Ohio. Someone must have gotten the message that this is spring break week, at least in my town.

I remember the last two months of my pregnancy with Gracie was in January and February, typically the coldest months of the year. I would sleep with just a T-shirt and sheet while John shivered on the other side of the bed under a mountain of blankets because I had turned the heat off. So it's with a little trepidation that I view this warmer weather.

Night before last I slept horribly and, upon reflection the next day, I realized that the flannel sheets might have had something to do with it. So yesterday I kept the windows open all day and replaced the flannel with nice cool cotton. Then just before bed I drug out the fan (the one that I paid a bunch for because it is super quiet) and directed it right at my side of the bed. Last night I slept pretty well. Except for the shivering on the other side of the bed.

Today I actually got out one of my short sleeve maternity shirts. It was a huge shock to see myself in something other than one of the 4 long sleeve maternity shirts I posses. But oh how heavenly to actually feel somewhat cool.

Looks like tomorrow we may go back to more March-like temps. I'm still not putting the flannel sheets back on.

34 Weeks

2007-03-26T15:06:00.000-04:00

Wow! Only 2 weeks to go until I hit that 36 week milestone. I keep feeling like it will be all down-hill from there for some reason.

J and I are actually planning one last outing next weekend. He is based out of Detroit and sometimes has long overnight layovers there. So I will fly up there to meet him and we'll stay in the swank Westin hotel that is right in the airport. He gets a decent pilot rate on it although eating meals in the airport always kills the pocketbook!

Not much new to report on the pregnancy front. My swollen feet and varicose veins continue to plague me. Only 6 weeks to go!

Three

2007-03-24T13:19:00.000-04:00

I've decided I really like Three. The age, that is.

The first year of G's life was hard for me. There are so many adjustments to be made and when you throw in post-partum depression, it made for a rough time for everyone involved.

Between the ages of 1 and 2 was a good time. We had worked out the sleep issues and were both getting plenty of it. I had managed to work through my depression. G started walking and the world was a new and exciting place every second of the day.

Between 2 and 3 got tougher again. G began to figure out that she was an independent person and she took every opportunity to assert and test that independence. But there were so many things she wanted to do and just wasn't capable of yet. Lots of frustration.

Now G is 3. Things have gotten progressively better over the last few months. She still tests her limits but overall she is turning out to be a pretty well-behaved little girl. She still naps in the afternoon which gives me a break. The world is still an exciting place with new discoveries every day. But my favorite part is watching her play. Po.lly Po.ckets have recently invaded our home and G absolutely loves them. One day she spent three straight hours in her own little imaginary world, acting out all sorts of things with the dolls. I'm fascinated to watch her concoct all sorts of stories and it makes me really aware that she is always watching me and not a whole lot gets past her.

So I am liking 3 so far. Weird how the good years and bad seem to alternate. Makes me rather afraid that the same pattern will occur with the new baby because then someone will always be in a bad year. Sometimes I let myself look down the road and think that I have 3 years at least to get this new baby to a point where I feel like I really enjoy being a mother. And by then G will be 6! I'm sure it was just yesterday that the midwife handed her to me and I marveled that they were actually going to send this tiny baby home with me - no instructions or degree required. Wow.

33w4d Motivation

2007-03-23T10:26:00.000-04:00

I have never really liked exercising for the sake of exercising. Previous to all the complications of this pregnancy (namely the varicose veins) I could motivate myself to go to the gym daily because for one thing it would give me a break from G and also because I could read a book and listen to my Ipod and forget that I was actually working. Since the treadmill is no longer an option, I just can't seem to get motivated to go and swim. The last few times I've ended up in the warm water pool just hanging out. While it feels great to have a little relief from the aches and pains, the only exercise I get is in actually packing my bag and changing my clothes. I can practically feel my muscles melting away.

This morning we had to leave the house at 6am to get John to the airport for work. It was raining cats and dogs all the way there and back. Definitely a good day for a nap. Makes it even harder to get motivated to go to the gym.

Maybe we'll go out for McD's for lunch. That would count as some exercise, wouldn't it?

33w3d Midwife Appt

2007-03-22T16:50:00.000-04:00

Everything went swimmingly at the appointment today. Blood pressure was perfect, heartbeat was around 150 which is perfect, there appears to be plenty of amniotic fluid, and I'm measuring almost 34 weeks which is perfect. The midwife thinks the baby is going to be on the smaller side. She estimates weight at around 4.5 to 5 pounds right now. That's fine by me!! My weight was up 33 pounds overall. If I gain the standard pound a week from here on out I should be about what I gained with G. She would have done the Group B Strep culture this appointment but there is no need since I already know I have it.

She didn't ask for it, but I plan to bring my birth plan to my next appt in 2 weeks. After that appointment, I'll start going weekly. Wow!

33 Weeks

2007-03-19T13:25:00.000-04:00

Only about 7 weeks to go! Lately the worst of my symptoms seem to have gone away, knock on wood. My varicose veins don't really bother me and the restless legs have quieted down. My worst problem the last few days is the inability to breathe. Sometimes I feel like I just can't catch my breath. I guess that's what happens when you've got a butt in your lungs.

Thus far I have held off on putting together a "hospital" bag. Like if the baby thinks I'm ready, she'll come too early. How silly is that?! But yesterday I started at least compiling a list. I was wondering the timing of things during my labor so I went back and looked at the time stamps on pictures from that day. At 1:45pm I was sitting in a hospital bed getting monitored (they did it for 15 minutes every hour) eating a dish of chocolate pudding with a big smile on my face. At that point my water had been broken for about 12 hours but I was obviously not in serious labor! The next picture I have was taken about 4:30pm and I was just starting to work through some serious contractions. If I remember correctly, a check previous to that had me at about 4cm dilated. About half an hour later things started really heating up and I went into the shower (I wanted to labor in water but the room with the only jacuzzi at that hospital wasn't available). G was born at about 7:40pm. Looking at that timeline, I realize that I only had about 3 hours of true labor. Wow! Sure seemed like more than that. The coolest thing is that G was nursing a mere 10 minutes after she was born!

It was neat to look back at the pictures and I would highly recommend that you have hubby or someone take some during your labor. Even if you never show them to anyone (notice I'm not posting any of mine here!), the timeline they can give you is invaluable to compare with what you remember of the day.

The next batch of pictures I have is from the next day. In most of them, I am in the hospital gown nursing G. Of course, they don't make hospital gowns to nurse in, so in all these pictures I'm pretty exposed. Which brings me to my list. This time around I'm taking my own nursing pajamas! There is also a picture of me nursing her just before we left the hospital and I'm wearing a maternity shirt hiked up so you can see my squishy belly. Also definitely on the list is a nursing shirt and bra. Live and learn! The other thing that's currently on my list? A bottle of wine! Apparently this hospital has a nice supper for the new parents and I intend to top that off with a nice glass of wine!

Anniversary

2007-03-18T13:09:00.000-04:00

Seems like no matter how I try to forget it or bury it, the anniversary of my first m/c will always remain with me. Two years ago today I went in for a D&C. I was 10.5 weeks and the baby measured about 9.5 weeks. About this time last year I was having another m/c. I confess these events greatly factored into my anxiety over the cramping I experienced a few weeks ago. March is just not a good month for me and babies.

I hit yet another milestone today: I had to take my wedding band off today. I have never had it off my finger since J put it there over 10 years ago. The last week or so my fingers swell up and that fingers gets itchy. Today it actually started to hurt. It took a while but with the help of some hand lotion I was able to get it off. I know J will never let me live it down but I reckoned it was better than losing my finger!

Do You Have A Doula?

2007-03-17T17:22:00.000-04:00

Hey Christina over at a Mommy Story - drop me an email (see right bar for my address). My doula sent me a list of recommendations for you.

32w4d Baby Necessities

2007-03-16T19:13:00.000-04:00

After my dentist's appt today I went shopping, first to Target then to the mall to spend some Christmas gift cards. At Target I decided to go ahead and buy a package of both newborn and size 1 diapers. Oh my gosh - I had forgotten how small the packages are! I think I bought one package of each size before G was born and I still have some of those left (I used mainly cloth).

Earlier this week we had our first "prenatal" with the doula. I wasn't quite sure what to expect but from some comments she made, I got the impression that it would be a 2-hour childbirth education class. Now, we took a four week class before G was born and we decided not to take any this time around. Rather, I've been re-reading lots of books and even got a couple for J to read. So I met the doula at the door with our birth plan from G and as I expected that rather headed off a lot of the basic material. We spent most of the time going over the birth plan and noting minor changes to accommodate what the hospital here does. Our next prenatal will be in a few weeks and she'll spend the time going over and demonstrating various comfort measures. That will be more to my liking!! She will also bring her "doula bag of tricks" and show us things she has like aromatherapy and knee pads for J if he has to be kneeling to help me out. When I get the tweaks done I'll post my birth plan here.

Back in January when I was cleaning up the nursery, I made a list of a few things that I thought would have been nice to know the first time around. Some true "necessities" that you don't usually find on other lists:

A variety of diaper rash creams and ointments – Sooner or later your baby *will* get a diaper rash. And the miracle cream that worked for your friend down the street may do nothing but irritate your baby’s bottom. The best thing is to have a variety of stuff ahead of time and then experiment to see what works. Over the course of time I ended up buying about one of everything in the diaper rash section. I wish that I had known and could have stocked up well ahead of time when things were on sale or I could price shop. The stuff isn’t cheap and especially not when you have to buy it at the local pharmacy because you need something *now*. By all means, ask around and get recommendations, but be prepared to experiment. And don’t discount simple talcum powder. In the end I found that to be the best at preventing rashes in the first place.
Hand sanitizer – I keep a bottle of this wherever I have diapers. As soon as I get the wet or dirty diaper off and in the trash, I clean my hands and then put on the clean diaper. You can’t always get away to wash you hands properly but this at least lets you get some of the germs off. This also comes in handy as the kid enters toddler-hood to try and keep away some of the cold germs.
You’ll see a lot of the hard, travel cases for baby wipes. Skip those. The best container for baby wipes is a Ziploc bag which keeps the moisture in so the wipes won’t dry out. This is especially important for wipes you have stashed here and there that don’t get used often. As my child got older I even kept my main stash of wipes in a Ziploc rather than the dispenser box to keep them from drying out.
I used and really liked something called the “Ultimate Crib Sheet”. It’s basically a waterproof mattress pad and bottom sheet all in one. It attaches to the side of the crib in such a way that you don’t have to take off the bumper pad or anything in order to change it. I had three of them and would put them all on the crib at once. Then, when one got dirty, all I had to do was take the top one off and the crib would be ready again. Easy! I got mine at Target.

By no means a comprehensive list but just a few tips to get you thinking! Sometimes it's the little things (like being able to quickly change the crib sheet at 3am) that will keep you sane!

It's strange: the last few days have seen a return of my fear of the baby having Down's or something similar. I don't know why all of a sudden I'm afraid - I guess because the weeks are counting down and we'll know for sure soon.

32w2d

2007-03-14T10:23:00.000-04:00

I actually got out of bed at 7:30 this morning and went grocery shopping! I am totally not a morning person but I've been trying to get this trip in with no luck all week and this was my last chance before J goes back to work. I'm now satisfied that I have enough pantry stock to get us through the birth and a little beyond. I'll still make weekly trips but just for perishables.

Last week at our MOPS group we had a nutritionist come and talk about meal planning. I've had a system in place for a while now that works pretty well and will work especially well when the baby comes, I think, provided that I have stocked up enough! What I do is I write down a list of about 20-30 meals that I will make over the course of about a month. I have a 3 column document made up so that I can write the recipe name in one column, non-perishable ingredients in another, and perishables in the third. When I've listed all the meals I go through my pantry and check off the non-perishables that I already have. Then I make a (usually) huge grocery list from the non-perishables that I still need. Then about once a week or so I sit down with my calendar and write down things I plan to make. From that I make up a shopping list of perishables to get. For me, this is more flexible than trying to plan out each day what we're going to eat for weeks in advance. Plus I always have some meals that I can make completely from pantry items in case I can't get to the grocery store for perishables. Anyway, that's my system and maybe it will give someone out there some ideas.

One thing the pregnancy books will tell you happens in late pregnancy is that your pelvic bones will begin to move open in anticipation of a baby passing through them. I don't remember having any pain with G from this. I am definitely having it this time around! Seems like it would hurt more the first time but maybe it didn't really happen until I was in labor. Even though it hurts like heck to walk, it's an exciting development since it means my body is getting ready for things. I'm sure I looked pretty funny waddling around the grocery store this morning though!

32 Weeks

2007-03-12T13:14:00.000-04:00

I'm 32 weeks today. In just 4 short weeks I'll be able to deliver at the hospital of my choice and the baby won't be considered too early. 28 days. I'm counting. In 28 days you can bet I'll start visualizing an opening cervix in all my spare moments. I am so very tired of being pregnant.

Two weeks ago I dealt with a fever and GBS infection. This past Saturday afternoon I came down with a fever again and it continued all day Sunday, hovering around 100 degrees. Not enough to be truly concerning but enough to make me feel achy all over and just generally miserable. Fortunately I didn't have any cramping this time but, as I finished up my antibiotics Saturday, I did begin to worry that they might not have wiped out the GBS. I finally talked to the midwife Sunday evening and she asked me lots of questions and eventually decided that I just have a viral infection causing the fever and aches. She sounded pretty certain that, with some Tylenol and lots of rest, I will feel better within a few days. I do feel somewhat better today so am keeping my fingers crossed that she's right.

A Whopper of a Bill

2007-03-10T17:15:00.000-05:00

Got my insurance statement today for my little visit to L&D last week. Wow! I was there for about an hour and a half. I got monitored and had several labs done (urine and cultures plus the FFn). Also got the shot of terbutaline. All that came to a grand total billed of almost $1700! Wow!

Our company got on a new insurance this year - Un.ited Healt.hcare. From everything I've heard it's the bottom rung of insurance plans. Doesn't pay a whole lot so no one wants to take it. Our dentist is no longer covered. Fortunately the hospital and midwife both take it. I have to say, though, that I'm pleased with the coverage thus far. For one thing, it looks like they cover 100% of labwork when it's done in conjunction with a hospital stay. So all my labs were free. I'm still working on the deductible this year so I have to pay a grand total of $150 which could be worse. What got me, though, is that the hospital billed $1681. The insurance company allowed $478. No wonder no one wants to accept this insurance! I almost feel like I should leave a tip for the midwife or something. Her office is always way behind on billing (I just recently paid the copay for my first visit in October) so I don't know what they'll allow from her bill. Hopefully it's a goodly amount!

31w3d Midwife Appointment

2007-03-08T13:34:00.000-05:00

My every-other-week appointment went pretty well today. The most reassuring thing is that my midwife isn't worried about my going into pre-term labor. She's satisfied that it was the GBS infection causing the uterine irritability and as long as that's being treated, she doesn't think I'm at any higher risk of delivering early. But of course she cautioned me to be a little more vigilant for any signs of pre-term labor.

The only thing I got a little lectured about today was my weight. I don't routinely weigh myself at home anymore but I suspect that over the course of last week I lost somewhere around 5 pounds, maybe more. Today I was down 2 pounds from my last visit two weeks ago. I have a newfound respect for women who cope with Hyperemesis Gravidarium which is the really, really bad form of morning sickness. I went about 3 days without having much of an appetite and lost 5 pounds. I can only imagine the issues with weight gain when one is constantly sick while pregnant. I still don't really have much of an appetite but yesterday and today I have at least gotten hungry at the appropriate times. I'll be done with my antibiotics on Saturday and hopefully that will boost my appetite.

After my appointment today I went and got my hair cut. My last cut back in November was an impromptu stop at one of those drop-in chain places. I'm sure there's lots of good hair stylists that work at those places and I wouldn't want to offend, but the particular lady I got that day really butchered my hair. One side looked great but the other side was all different lengths. So I got a referral from a friend and plunked down $40 for a wash, cut, and style. Totally worth it! She made it look cute with very little effort. I might even drag out my blow dryer and attempt some styling of my own!

G is at the sitter's today. J called and asked how I was enjoying my "day off". Well, let's see, between the midwife and hair appointment, and doing all the shopping on my list, the day is pretty much gone. And I still have to go do the grocery shopping which I positively dread. We go through about half a gallon of milk A DAY here (!!) plus about a gallon of water a day (yes, I've become on of those water-snobs who thinks tap water tastes yucky and only drinks bottled). So if I buy two weeks worth of milk and water my basket is full before I've even begun. I really must look in to a bottled water delivery service and possibly tethering a cow in the back yard!

After Baby Comes Home

2007-03-07T10:11:00.000-05:00

I came across this article at one of my favorite sites today: "Chore board" helps postpartum visitors help you. I think it sounds like a stellar idea. I remember all too well when I first came home with G and people would stop by. Of course I wanted to sit and chat with them but in retrospect I did way too much "entertaining" and not enough taking advantage of people who were more than willing to help. So I'm seriously considering doing this. I'll probably add things to it like "Watch the kids while I take a shower" or "Take G somewhere for a few hours while baby and I take a nap". I'm sure some people will find it tacky but I suspect I'll be too tired with a toddler and newborn to really, truly care too much!

31 Weeks

2007-03-05T09:33:00.000-05:00

My first pregnancy was a breeze. I remember thinking many times "I like being pregnant". Let me just say that I do not like it quite as much this time around. I feel like a walking ailment list. My latest is pain in my heel. I've had to take to wearing my most comfortable shoes all the time, complete with a heel pad, to keep the pain at bay. Just getting up in the middle of the night and walking across the carpet will cause it to hurt. If nothing else, it has made me but sure to keep my feet propped up a lot which is also really helping with the swelling.

I think the antibiotics are helping my infection. Yesterday I had just a few occasions of very, very mild cramping that lasted for just 10-15 minutes each. The pills are a pain in the butt to take, though. I have to take them every 6 hours on an empty stomach (1 hour before a meal or 2 hours after). Getting them on an empty stomach is quite challenging, but I decided not to worry too awfully much about it and just do the best I can. Hopefully I'll be done with them this Sunday.

The whole pre-term labor thing still scares me. I know that she would have a very good chance of surviving at this point but I can't even contemplate having to spend weeks in the NICU and trying not to let my other child be too impacted.

I told G last night about the baby. Of course she got very excited but I think it is still a shadowy concept for her. She keeps wanting to "look at the baby" and then she fixates on my belly button. I'd give anything to know what's going on in her head! Of course, she wants to know when the baby is going to come out. I told her that baby has to grow some more but she'll come out when she's ready. So last night she kept asking me over and over if the baby was ready yet. I think it's going to be a long 8 or 9 weeks!

My next midwife appointment is this Thursday. This time I'm anxious to talk to her about how likely she thinks it will be for me to go into early labor and also whether she'll do early internals or repeat the FFN test. She's a very laid back practitioner and I think if she takes a wait and see approach it will do a lot to alleviate my fears of an early labor.

Thursday is also a sitter day for G. YIPPPPPEEEE! We haven't been since January and I was beginning to think she was going to blow me off. Of course, about the only thing I plan to get done is the midwife and grocery shopping. Oh, and I have an appointment for a hair cut.

Me And Group B Strep

2007-03-01T13:45:00.000-05:00

Sounds like a title of a bad country song, doesn't it? So let me tell you about my relationship with Group B Strep.

When I was pregnant with G, I tested positive for GBS. This bacteria usually doesn't cause any symptoms, but if the baby is exposed to it, it can make the baby very sick. So, once you are in labor you get regular doses of IV antibiotics so that the baby has some protection when they are delivered. Normally it's not a huge deal until your water breaks. Then you need to deliver within 24 hours or there's a much higher chance of the baby contracting the infection. My case was that my water broke and it was almost 12 hours before my labor really started. Which put a timeline on things and made labor a bit stressful. Fortunately, in the end, they didn't have to augment my labor with Pitocin but the threat was always there.

When I got pregnant the second time and started spotting, my midwife ran some routine tests and one of the cultures came back positive for a GBS infection. She diagnosed my spotting as due to this and put me on some antibiotics but I still had a miscarriage - most likely due to the septum.

Fast forward to this week and my cramping. Guess what's apparently causing it? Yup: GBS. So I am on antibiotics right now and will be on them when I go in for delivery. I can only hope that my water won't break so early this time and will give me some time to labor without feeling like there's a stopwatch about to go off.

I did a lot of research before and I did some more today on GBS. About 10-30% of pregnant women have the bacteria present but it is apparently quite rare to actually have symptoms from it. Symptoms or not, it can cause pre-term labor and premature rupture of membranes. An infection of the baby is the leading bacterial cause of infant death. Scary stuff! So, even though we have an apparent answer for the cramping, there is still probably some concern of a pre-term birth. As with so much else in life, we'll just have to wait and see.

Miraculous Cure?

2007-02-28T21:09:00.000-05:00

After I put G down for her nap today, I sat in my chair feeling more and more crampy and uncomfortable. It was getting to the point that I was about ready to head back to L&D to get checked out. Of course, I hadn't been able to go pick up the wicked jitter-causing medicine, so I decided to just lay down a while and see if that helped. Somewhere along the way I feel asleep (imagine that!) but only for about half an hour because J called to say hi. After I talked to him and got up to pee I realized that I was no longer in pain. My cramping and backache were completely gone! I sat in my chair a while to see if laying down was what did it but the cramps didn't come back. After I got G up I cleaned up the kitchen, made dinner, and did a load of laundry. Still no cramps! My midwife called a while after that to check on me and I told her the story of my miraculous recovery. She was as stumped as I but glad to hear it as she still hasn't received the vaginal culture results and she really wants those before she prescribes anything.

On the one hand I am oh so glad to be free of all that cramping. Even though the FFN test said it wasn't likely I'd go into labor anytime soon, it was still not comforting to be in pain and not know why.

On the other hand, I'm left with the huge question of what caused the cramping in the first place. I can't see that an infection cleared itself up that fast. Which leaves me wondering if an occasionally irritable uterus is just going to be the norm for the next 9 or 10 weeks. It's not that the feeling was unendurable. It's just that I can't imagine feeling like that for 2 months and then having to face hours of labor with that feeling intensified.

So, as with so many other things in my recent history, there are no real answers as yet. But the good news is that my kitchen is clean and the laundry is at least in the dryer!

30w2d Still Irritable

2007-02-28T13:42:00.000-05:00

Last night was a killer in terms of sleep. As in, I didn't get any. I think it was the lingering effects of the terb. I wasn't even tired really. I guess that shouldn't be surprising considering all I did all day was sit on my bum. I woke up this morning thinking that yesterday was all just in my imagination and that I was going to be all better today. But it didn't take too long for the cramping to come back and my back aches much worse today. My friend JE called me - she is a nurse in the L&D at the local hospital - to check up on me. I told her my status and she insisted I call the midwife to check in. Unfortunately Wednesday is her day off so I felt terrible having her paged but I knew I should do it. She called right back and we talked. She still doesn't have the results in from the vaginal cultures - she said she's really thinking that's going to show up something that we can treat. In the meantime she called me in a prescription for a pill form of the terbutaline that I can do at home and isn't as strong as the shot so hopefully will be minimal in the side effects department. I'll go pick that up as soon as G gets up from her nap and hopefully it will give me some relief. She said I can go in at any time to get monitored to make sure I'm not having real contractions but she's comfortable with me not doing that if I don't want to. She doesn't really think I'm in pre-term labor right now but there's always the nagging fear that the irritable uterus will lead to that.

I will admit that part of my insomnia last night was caused by my whirlwind of thoughts as I tried to figure out how the hell I would handle bedrest with my daughter and a husband who is gone for days as a time. I know there are people in my life that I can ask to help me out and I know they would willingly pitch in. But I am such a terrible, terrible person at asking for help and I carry a tremendous load of guilt around for feeling like I'm bothering anyone. I know I shouldn't but I do; I'm just programmed that way!

So for now I'm just sitting her feeling moderately uncomfortable from the cramping and the backache. I can think of a dozen things I really need to do around my house but for now I'm limiting myself to writing them down on a list and I will try not to do any of them until we get some sort of answer as to what's causing my irritability. Hopefully I won't run out of underwear before then.

30w1d Enough Excitement for Me

2007-02-27T18:35:00.000-05:00

Woke up this morning feeling just fine. I was somewhat hungry, although not very considering that I have eaten very little over the past few days. After breakfast I sat down to read my email and after a while noticed that I was having some lower abdominal crampiness. I tried to ignore it for a while but it didn't seem to go away. Finally I decided to lay down for a while but it still wouldn't go away. I also started feeling nauseas. Finally a little after noon I called and left a message for the midwife. She called me back about 2:30 and after listening to my symptoms she suggested I try drinking as much fluids as I could for about 2 hours and see if that helped. It didn't so I called her back about 4:30. By that time I was also feeling a little achiness in my back periodically but I really didn't feel like my uterus was contracting. She had me go straight to the hospital for monitoring and to test my urine. She said, besides pre-term labor, it could be something like a urinary tract infection.

Fortunately I was able to get my friend JE to come get G and my SIL came to take me to the hospital. I live in a smallish town and I have to say that every dealing I've had with the hospital has just been great; everyone is very nice and helpful. It doesn't hurt when your SIL is known and respected by all. So we walked in and got great prompt service.

The good news is that the baby was doing great: great heartrate and jumping all around. The monitor didn't show contractions per se but showed "irritability". After a while on the monitor, the MW came in and said she would do an internal, take a swab to test for any uterine infections like bacterial vaginosis. She also went ahead and did a Fetal fibronectin test which determines your likelihood of going into labor in the next two weeks. She said a positive doesn't mean a whole lot but a negative result is highly reliable. Mine came back negative YIPPPEEE!! She also did an internal exam and said my cervix was still pretty thick and only dilated just a "dimple" which she said is completely normal if you've already had a baby. The only worrying thing is that she said the baby is very low and her head is right down there which would be great if I was 36+ weeks but not necessarily where we want her at 30 weeks with an irritable uterus.

After the exam she put the monitor back on me to look at the contractions/irritability again. After a few minutes she said that it was picking up a lot more irritability so she wanted to give me a shot of Terbutaline. That is some wicked stuff. Not only does my arm still hurt an hour later but I still have the shakes and I feel very jittery, which is apparently a very normal side effect.

My urine was cloudy and the initial tests showed some blood in it so the midwife is hoping that more detailed tests on that will show a reason for my cramping. Until we have a better answer for it, I'm ordered to "take it easy".

So many conflicting emotions right now! On the one hand I'm relieved that the baby appears to be doing well and is not being affected by whatever is going on in my body. On the other hand I'm terrified of the great unknown of what is causing the cramping. I'm relieved that the FFP test shows I'm not at a huge risk for preterm labor at the moment but I'm stressed wondering how I'm going to take it easy with a toddler around. J of course went back to work yesterday and won't be home till late Friday. I've decided not to worry about it tonight though. I'm just doing to sit here with my feet propped up watching movies and reading. Time enough tomorrow to worry about it all.

---------------------------------------------------

Midwife just called. More tests on the urine doesn't really show anything concerning. She said it may be that I am at the very start of a UTI although this is not normally how mine tend to start. She wants to wait and see what the vaginal cultures show before she does anything. Those results won't be back until late tomorrow or Thursday morning. Of course if anything changes in how I feel I'm to go directly to the hospital for monitoring.

This day has contained plenty enough excitement for me, thank you very much.

30 Weeks

2007-02-26T11:39:00.000-05:00

My little baby turned 3 yesterday. Where did the time go?! One year ago I had her second birthday party in the midst of miscarriage #2. Yesterday I was pregnant but feeling about as crappy. I think I contracted some sort of stomach bug. I had nausea, fever, chills, and terrible body aches. It was oddly reminiscent of my second m/c. This time I took some tylenol for the body aches and chills but I still spent the entire night getting up every half hour to hurl. Strangely enough, about 12 hours after it started, my stomach started to feel better and I actually slept for a couple of hours. Now I just feel like a train ran over me. J was so very good last night: he cleaned up after the birthday party, played with G, and put her to bed. This morning he took her out for breakfast with his parents. He always manages to rise to the occasion when the occasion demands it of him.

My varicose veins are starting to hurt if I sit in a hard chair too long or if I do anything at the Y like biking or walking.

10 more weeks to go! Only 9 if this comes a little early like G. Can't wait for the day to arrive!

29w4d

2007-02-23T13:53:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here filling out my "kick count" worksheet. Yesterday it took 15 minutes to get 10 movements. The midwife gave me a sheet to fill out every day to record the movements so I decided to try and be a good patient and fill it out every day. So far so good.

Two nights ago saw the return of my nemesis: the dreaded leg cramps. I read about some people who have them and describe them as uncomfortable to somewhat painful. I can only describe mine as the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced, and yes, that includes natural labor with no drugs. These things can wake me up out of deep sleep screaming in pain. The first time it happened with G my poor hubby was beside himself and I think nearly jumped out of his skin. The good thing is that he is most wonderful at helping me through them. The bad thing is that he wasn't home this time. All day Wednesday my calf muscle hurt; Thursday was a bit better. It finally worked itself out this morning. Only to be replaced by another cramp in the other leg. This is the same pattern when I was pregnant with G: I would get cramps in alternating legs every few days. I think it started later with her though. Thank goodness I've never had cramps in both legs at once as I don't think I'd be able to walk!

I started in at the swimming pool today. I don't really like to swim and I don't do it well, but I do have to admit that it's really good for the cardio. I plan to do a couple days of swimming followed by a day on the bike to hopefully keep up my muscle tone.

Only 6 minutes today to get my 10 kicks in!

29w1d

2007-02-20T13:20:00.000-05:00

Had another midwife visit today; everything was fine. She was a little concerned that my ankles are always swollen now (as opposed to just in the evenings previously) but she said it's not a problem unless my blood pressure goes up. Today my pressure was fine but I'm supposed to get it checked right away if I notice any sudden swelling. She always suggested switching to swimming for my workouts from here on out. And she repeated the advice to lay down with my feet elevated for an hour three times a day. Having 5 kids herself, though, she was very understanding that I have somehow not been able to find the time to do that. I can definitely tell within the last week or so that the fatigue is back full-force so laying down more will become more of a priority I think.

When I got out of the shower this morning I noticed that my breasts were leaking just a little bit. With G I didn't have any leaking before she was born. It rather scares me that I may have to worry about bra pads this early. I don't know what it is about showers that causes leakage and letdown but I remember the first few months with G, before my supply regulated itself, getting in the shower was always a guarantee to get me going.

We had more trouble with the hot water heater this weekend so the plumber is coming on Thursday to replace it. J finally agreed that that was the best course of action! Today we had to go buy a new dehumidifier. Things always seem to break in threes so we're holding our breath to see what else will break!

I'll end now and go figure out how to lie down with my feet higher than my heart for an hour. Wish me luck.....

28w4d

2007-02-16T16:39:00.000-05:00

Today I bit the bullet and bought tickets for my friend to come visit me after the birth. I knew I would break down and do it! Actually, the price dropped to just a little over $400 so if I look at it in purely financial terms, I'll be getting help for about $100/day. Plus some girlfriend company and a play-mate for G. Not the worst investment I've ever made!

I'm 6.5 months now. 2.5 months to go. Yesterday was a tough day. I got up in the morning feeling like I couldn't breath. I was also worried because the baby didn't seem to be nearly as active as usual. Finally around lunch time I got out my doppler and was reassured with a nice strong heartbeat. Later in the afternoon I tried to take a nap and the baby woke up! She started really moving around, like she was doing acrobatics in there. I noticed a while later that I was able to breath much easier. I think she must have had her head or butt up in my lungs! I also stepped on the scales this morning and I don't think I've gained any weight in the last 2 weeks! I have my next appt next Tuesday and we'll see what the official scales say.

Tomorrow my niece is baby-sitting and J and I are going out on the town. We'll probably be dull and boring and go see a movie and eat out and maybe hit the bookstore. But it will be nice to get out of the house for a while without someone yelling that they have to go potty (someone besides me that is!!!!)

Snowed In

2007-02-14T10:04:00.000-05:00

We're under a level 3 snow emergency today which means only emergency vehicles are allowed on the road. No Y or McDs for us today! I'd like to take G to play outside but the current windchill is -7 and I'm not sure either of us can stand that for long. So we're stuck inside alternating between Fantasia and Cinderella. I talked to a friend in Texas yesterday and she was giving me a hard time about the weather. But then I reminded her that for her, hot weather will start about May and last well into October. She lives in central Texas where they can have 100+ degree temps for weeks at a time. Thank you, I'll take a few days of being snowed in to that!

I can't get ahold of J this morning so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he got the first flight out and will be at his training class soon.

New Profession

2007-02-13T20:55:00.000-05:00

I've decided that when I have to go back to work one of these days, I'm going to become a travel agent!

My poor hubby spent almost 12 hours at the airport today and he is still in Columbus! All day long I researched flight possibilities for him and we watched as each one was canceled. Finally I decided it was not looking good for him to get out and there was no way I was going to be able to drive to get him so I called the closest airport hotel and snagged the very last room for him. At $140, it was not exactly cheap. We are accustomed to paying an airline rate of under $50 for hotel rooms. This one took my breath away but short of him sleeping in the terminal I didn't feel we really had a choice. The bad thing is that he is supposed to start a training class tomorrow to upgrade to a new position and there's no possible way he's going to make it there on time. He was so bummed out about the bust of the day. He finally got to the hotel and almost didn't get his room even though we had reserved it. But he's finally there and hopefully he will get a good night's sleep. He's going to try for a flight that leaves at 6:30 tomorrow morning and I strongly suspect that tomorrow will be a repeat of today in terms of watching them cancel flights all day.

Gotta love air travel!

Snow Day

2007-02-13T12:13:00.000-05:00

We woke up this morning to several inches of snow with more falling by the hour. I'd estimate about 5" so far. The worst part about the weather is that J had to make his way down to Memphis today for some training that starts tomorrow morning. A friend picked him up this morning about 10:30 and they made it to the airport just fine but, one by one, all his flight possibilities are being canceled. It won't be a good thing at all if he can't make it but I'm not sure what else he can do short of driving down there which is probably just as chancy at this point.

I had a 9am appointment this morning but my midwife called about 8. She lives about 20 minutes from town and she said she was just closing the office today. I talked to her briefly about the varicose veins. She said the first thing to try is laying down 3 times a day for at least an hour with my legs slightly elevated above my heart. She also recommended ice or heat packs if they get painful. She didn't seem too concerned about them beyond the fact that I would be uncomfortable or in pain for a while. So I'm trying to figure out how to lay down 3 times a day for an hour. J said I couldn't count sleeping at night! Easy for him to say!

As soon as G saw all the snow this morning she wanted to go outside. I took her out for about an hour. She threw a fit when I said it was time to go in but we were both snow-encrusted. All she did was run around in the snow and fall down and bury herself in it. I think this kid is going to be a snow-bunny! She wants to go sledding but I'm pretty sure going up and down a hill is out of the question for me!

28 Weeks

2007-02-12T22:05:00.000-05:00

Is it April yet???!!! This morning I got up and spent about 2 hours doing some shopping. Then I came home and unloaded all the groceries and put them away. Then I sat down for a while and experienced my first Braxton-hicks. That was a first for me. I never had them with G and I always wondered what they felt like. The day progressed with having to do way more than I bargained for. Here I sit at the end of the day totally exhausted and wishing it was May. I had a few more BH throughout the day and my varicose veins are really making themselves felt.

Okay, enough complaining. J has been having a lot of fun recently feeling the baby move. Yesterday I actually think she kicked one of my ribs; it's still sore. With G, I could never really imagine a baby being the source of all the kicks and jabs. This time around it's much easier for me to imagine a real baby in there.

J and I talked for a long time last night, discussing various name possibilities. With G, there was never a question of her first name: she is named after J's twin sister. Her middle name just sort of fell into place; we never really debated it. This time around I've had the middle name picked out since before the beginning. But we're lacking a first name. It's actually rather fun to throw out possibilities and find out why J likes certain names above others. I've read lots of opinions about whether or not to announce names beforehand. Some people say that if you pick a certain name and tell people before, someone will always be putting the name down and find things not to like about it. Whereas if you keep it a secret and introduce your baby with the name, it just goes better. A couple weeks ago I told my Mom the name that I was favoring and she immediately shot it down. Lesson learned. Since we know it's a girl, we're going to keep the name a secret.

I have a midwife appointment tomorrow. J and G are going with me for the first time. I think he went to almost all my appointments with G. This poor second kid is already getting the short stick! We're supposed to get dumped on by snow tomorrow and J has to get to the airport to go to work. I'm not really looking forward to driving in what I'm sure will be a mess tomorrow.

27w5d: Education

2007-02-10T13:38:00.000-05:00

[ Note to self: never, ever, ever decide to have lunch at the McD's playland on a Saturday. Just don't do it. Resist the temptation. ]

While cleaning up the nursery a while back I came across the Bradley birth book that I got with G. We took just a general 4 week childbirth education class with her and, while it wasn't a complete waste of time, it wasn't exactly anything to write home about. I bought the Bradley book thinking I would get some tips out of it without taking the 12 week class. I started re-reading it the other day. The first few chapters reminded me why I wasn't interested in the class in the first place. I find the tone of the book somewhat condescending. Not sure why; I just do. At any rate, this morning I started reading the chapter on the different stages of labor. Oh my gosh, if I had really read and ingested that stuff with G, my perspective of her labor and birth might have been quite different. I realize in retrospect that I went through all the stages exactly as the book describes them. Even though my labor was not in any way "textbook", I was textbook according to Dr. Bradley because I hit all the stages. If I had been familiar with the stages, I wouldn't have felt like such a failure when I reached the last stage and questioned whether I could really do a "natural" childbirth and asked for drugs. The book says that when you reach that stage where you question whether you can really do that, delivery is just around the corner. And it was - within half an hour G was born. What a thing to hold on to when you're in the thick of it!

Reading that today made me determined to really read it and take it all in for next time. I'm also going to make J read certain chapters. I'm not sure I can whole-heartedly recommend the book but I can say that it will give you a lot of insight into what's going to happen.

27w2d: The Ultimate Indignity

2007-02-07T21:58:00.000-05:00

Pregnancy and childbirth bring about a lot of indignities, most of which are suffered and quickly forgotten. I still have a snapshot in my head of a moment just before G was born. Someone put my glasses on so I could see her crowning and I looked around the room and realized that there were an awful lot of strangers standing about staring at my privates, which weren't exactly private just then. Indignity, yes, but quickly dismissed.

There's other indignities in pregnancy that no one really ever tells you about. Let's talk varicose veins. My husband has them all over his legs; he says they don't hurt him very much but they look insufferable. I've never had varicose veins on my legs and I've been fortunate enough thus far to not have them in pregnancy. But did you know that you can get them in other places? Specifically, varicose veins in the vulvular area are not exactly uncommon.

For about a week now I sometimes have this feeling that something's going to fall out down there. I've also felt for a while now that things are very swollen down there. Today I started getting a bit of a burning sensation after I'd been standing a while. So I finally made myself check it out. Yep - I've got several rather large pockets.

Of course Dr. Google and I have been in lengthy consultation today. I've learned that this is not uncommon for pregnant women and usually goes away within a day or two of delivery. There's really nothing to be done for it. Ice packs can help relieve the pain and sitting or laying will help as well. The sensation that things are about to fall out is common and goes with the territory.

Can I start whining now? My bum hurts and I can only assume that it's going to get worse and I've got a good 12 weeks to see how bad it can get. Between that and the now-ever-present pain of stretching skin just below my left breast I'll have to admit that I'm a basket-case at the moment. G's been off the last two days and won't nap and whines enough for the two of us. I sat down and had a real good feeling-sorry-for-myself cry today but it didn't really help.

I know the product of all this will make it worth it in the end - especially when it's nothing but a bad memory. But right now I'm just about ready to crawl in bed and put myself on self-proclaimed strict bedrest for the next 12 weeks!

27 Weeks: Flying High

2007-02-05T10:29:00.000-05:00

It's been quite a day. Here at my house just a little north of Central Ohio, we hit -5 last night! That's pretty darn cold for a girl raised on the gulf coast of Texas.

At 2:30am I was rudely awakened by my smoke alarm upstairs. It's a fancy one with a built-in light and the light came on with a loud beeping noise, but only for about 5 seconds. Of course, J is gone and we are at home alone, so it's up to me to investigate. I'm used to smoke alarms just making little chirping noises when their batteries go out so I couldn't decide if smoke had actually triggered this one or not. I walked all over the house and even stuck my head outside but found nothing. So I went back to bed. Only to be awakened an hour later by the same thing. This time I decided to just take it down and take the batteries out. While doing that I saw the note that if it did what it was doing, then the batteries needed replacing. Of course this one partially woke up G so I had to go settle her down.

Finally about 9:30 this morning I drug myself out of bed and into the bathroom to discover that the hot water pipe had frozen. It's happened several times before, ever since my kitchen remodel when they rerouted some heating ducts and cut off heat to the bathroom. The only recourse is to apply massive amounts of heat to the pipe and hope it doesn't burst. The first time it happened I had to pay $150 to a plumber to learn that lesson. This time I'm saving myself the money.

Kudos if you've read this far because now it's time for the really big news. The midwife called just a little while ago to tell me that my 3 hour glucose test results were NORMAL! Yippeeeeeeee! Who cares about smoke alarms and frozen pipes in light of that??!!! This scenario, by the way, is exactly how it played out with G. So I'm going to do this time exactly what I did with her: from here on out I'll make an effort to cut down on the carbs and especially the sugar, since obviously my body has a bit of a hard time handling too much of that. I can't convey to you the hugeness of my relief. It was really difficult not spend the last two days dwelling on the possibilities. Now I guess I can move on to dwell on everything involved in getting this kid out into the world.

I am officially in the third trimester now. Just 14 more weeks. Wasn't it just yesterday that I was looking forward to getting off of progesterone?

Dilemma

2007-02-03T20:45:00.000-05:00

I've got a dilemma; maybe someone out there can help me with it.

I have this friend. Besides my hubby, she's my best friend in the whole world. She was my college roommate for one semester and we've stayed friends ever since. I'll call her T. I got to go visit T for a few days after Christmas. We don't see each other much but we talk on the phone at least weekly. She's got 5 kids and has been a lifesaver with parenting advice.

When I was visiting T we got to talking about how things might be after the birth and dealing with G and all that. At one point she suggested that her hubby might just let her come stay with me for a while to help out. I was ecstatic! At the time I thought I could fly her up here on J's travel benefits very cheaply and she was talking about staying a whole week.

The other day I started researching the travel benefits, only to find out that J would have to travel with her both ways in order for us to use them. Not very practical when I need him at home to help out. So I priced the flights. It was looking like it would only be about $300 to get her here.

She called me up yesterday and said that her hubby had agreed to let her go but she wanted to also bring her 4 year old daughter. That sounded reasonable. Price goes up to $600 but I've got help for an entire week and a playmate for G. I enthusiastically agreed. Then we started talking dates. Then she dropped the bombshell. Seems her hubby only agreed on the condition that she leaves on a Thursday and comes home the next Monday. Excuse me? That's like only really 3 days. All of a sudden, from a purely financial standpoint, that $600 is not sounding like a very good investment.

I really would like my friend to come. Her help would probably be invaluable to me. And I've already pretty much told her I will buy her a ticket and it's a go; we just have to decide on the dates. [ there's no way she could afford to pay herself so that's totally not an option ] So now I'm left with a dilemma. I can come up with the money for the ticket. I've got it in savings now; it'll just hurt more down the road when I'm trying to make my dollars stretch to stay home longer with the kids before going back to work. Do I just suck it up and go through with the plans and enjoy it while she's here and try not to think too much about the money? Or do I come clean with her and tell her what's bugging me and offer to fly her up here some other time when she might could stay longer and/or I could really enjoy her visit?

I feel like I'm being a schmuck and just looking at the bottom line. On the other hand, that bottom line is what's going to keep me at home as long as possible with my kids. What oh what do I do???

Always Waiting

2007-02-03T12:20:00.000-05:00

Pulled myself out of bed this morning at a little before 7am. I am so not an early riser. Especially when it's single digit temps outside. I made it to the lab a few minutes after 7 but they didn't get to me until 7:30. The test itself wasn't too bad. I was mostly just tired from not having slept well last night. I hope it's a good sign that at the end of the test I felt mostly normal, albeit hungry. I never did get that shaky feeling or anything. My fasting level was 88 which the nurse said was perfect. I hope it's a good indicator. My first two blood draws were by the "good" nurse. The last two were by the.... let's just say the other nurse. My arms still ache, two hours later. I'm afraid to take the tape off and examine the bruises.

Thanks to everyone who pointed out that my choice of bagels, while low in sugar, was definitely not low in carbs. After reading a bit yesterday I realized that our family's diet, while consisting of a good portion of fruits and veggies, is still very high in carbs. Cutting out the sweets would be fairly easy for me. Cutting down on white bread and regular pasta would be challenging. My hat off to all you who live with diabetes and other illnesses that require close regulation of diet.

It's Official: I'm a Failure

2007-02-02T13:40:00.000-05:00

I went in this morning to get my one hour glucose test out of the way. I had fasted 12 hours beforehand. I failed miserably. A result of 140 is the cutoff. My number was 154. Not astonishingly high but enough to fail me. I think my midwife is somewhat concerned about the number coupled with my weight gain, however, because she wants me to go ahead and do the three hour test tomorrow or Monday at the very latest. So I have an appointment to get up bright and early tomorrow morning and be at the lab at 7am. To say I am depressed at this point is putting it mildly. I should find out the results of tomorrow's test by Monday. I guess I'll go from there.

26w3d Part 2

2007-02-01T21:12:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I write the most amazing blog posts in my head. But then when I sit down to the computer I forget 90% of it. Or so it seems.

I forgot to mention that I talked to the midwife about the pain I'm having on my left side. She probed a bit to find out if the pain went deeper than surface pain. She said the gall bladder is on that side so she would be worried if I had other symptoms to go along with the pain (like nausea or vomiting). Since I don't she said it was probably just the pain of the skin stretching. She said it could also be the baby kicking, as babies can actually give you internal bruising if they're positioned just right. Wonderful: she's not even born and she's already pushing me around!

The other thing is that I went to see a movie this afternoon: Children of Men. I'm a sucker for futuristic, apocalyptic, the world is going to hell in a handbasket type of movies. This one fit the bill nicely; wasn't a bad movie but not one to write much about. It would have been impossible to watch if I was still trying to get pregnant I think.

The funniest thing was that during some of the parts that were really loud, the baby would start kicking like crazy. I don't know if she was annoyed or excited by the sounds. But she was definitely making a contribution. You know, a contribution to an internal bruise somehwere.

26w3d

2007-02-01T19:06:00.000-05:00

Had another midwife appointment today. I was holding my breath on my glucose urine test. Fortunately it was negative today, probably thanks to the bagel I had rather than cherrios and OJ. She gave me the paperwork for the 1 hour glucose test and I plan to do that tomorrow. I have tried to avoid sugar today and I won't eat anything for the next 12 hours.

One thing I was worried about was my weight gain. With this appointment, I have now gained 30#. The midwife didn't comment so before the appt was over I asked her if I should be concerned about it. She showed me a chart where they graph weight gain. Up until now I've been within the two lines of acceptable weight gain. This time I was above the upper limit. But she said she wasn't too concerned as many women have a "growth spurt" around this time and tend to level out. I'll be seeing her every two weeks from now on so she said she will be keeping an eye on it. A lot will hinge on the results of the glucose test as well.

Other than that, the visit was pretty routine. She was in the midst of a delivery so I had to go see her at the hospital which is right next to her office location. It was rather nice as I got to see the facility which just opened last year. I decided against taking the prenatal class there so I guess I probably won't get a formal tour of the facility. But I may see if my nurse friend that works there can get me in sometime so I'll know exactly what I'm in for.

Selling My Doppler

2007-01-31T18:02:00.000-05:00

In the midst of my cleaning and decluttering I came across my fetal doppler. I used it some during those difficult early weeks of the second trimester but I haven't used it since December. My plan is to ebay it but I thought I'd offer it here to any of you who may be interested.

The unit I have is from StorkRadio and the details are here. The retail price of this thing is supposedly $300 but I'll sell it for what I paid for it on ebay which is $100 plus shipping. There's also a tube of gel included which is still almost full. This one has a digital display that calculates the heart-rate and it has a plug for earphones.

Drop me an email or comment if you're interested!

Much Ado About Nothing

2007-01-30T09:47:00.000-05:00

The good news is that I was able to take a nice hot shower yesterday. We seemed to have fixed the hot water heater problem but my gut instinct is that little hands were not the problem in fiddling with the heater. I suspect the 13 year old appliance that is only supposed to last 8-10 years is probably on its way out. I'm really tempted to go ahead and replace it with a more energy efficient one. I'll probably put our tax refund to use for this. I did research yesterday and was really interested in the tankless models but soon decided that the installation costs would be too much of an unknown for this old house. So I'm going to stick with an old fashioned tank model. The government may start giving Energy Star ratings to heaters in the spring so hopefully ours will hold out till then.

I'm going to tell you something that will probably make you groan and roll your eyes: I finished my taxes last night. Okay, I'll qualify: I'm still waiting for a W2 form and I just finished filling out the paperwork to send to my tax planner. Last year she had my return done by the 15th of February and I had my refund a week later. I'm looking forward to the same scenario this year.

My hubby got a new position in his company recently. Same crappy schedules but he'll get paid more (not sure how much more). He also decided to take the plunge and put in his application with a start up airline based here in Columbus. That part scares and excites me at the same time. If he took a job there he'd be home every night at probably about the same pay as he gets now. But it's a start-up that may well fail within a year or two. The other thing that concerns me about his timing is if he leaves his current company before the baby comes. I worry about insurance problems and also about the timing of having him home at the right time. I guess time will tell!

26 Weeks

2007-01-29T09:25:00.000-05:00

I made the mistake last night of surfing over to fertilityfriend.com and spending some time reading the pregnancy message boards. I found that by and large the posts fell into 3 categories:
1. Baby gear talk for first time parents. Along the lines of "what kind of diaper bag should I get". Fascinating discussions for first-timers but once you've got 3 diaper bags and 5 carriers (yes, okay I went a little overboard there) you should probably avoid those types of conversations.
2. Talk about all the bad stuff that can happen. Pre-term labor, preeclampsia, bed rest; you name, someone on the board had experienced it. Of course, I felt strangely compelled to read all those posts. I'm now re-evaluating all the various twinges and pains of my body.
3. General talk about pregnancy and new-baby issues. Topics from "how do you stay laying on your side all night" to "will you co-sleep". I found some of these threads informative from a purely comparative point of view.
All in all, probably not the best-spent hour of my life. I promise not to do it again. I remember with G that I avidly read and contributed to message boards. I don't remember the talk of bad stuff phasing me that much. I guess I thought I was invulnerable.

Speaking of twinges and pains, the pain on my left side is getting worse. Before it would only hurt at the end of the day and laying down at night brought relief. Now it hurts throughout the day and wakes me up at night hurting. I guess I'll have to bring it up at my midwife appointment this Thursday although I hold out little hope that she'll have any solutions. I'm going to pull out my nursing bras and see if any of those help.

Yesterday afternoon I called up J to ask him about something. He sounded a little weird. He told me about how, when he was driving to Detroit yesterday, he was passing a car when he hit a patch of ice and spun around several times and ended up in the median. He was damn lucky as he didn't hit anyone and the only damage done was a mud flap got torn off. I could tell it had shaken him.

Of course, after that my question paled in comparison but what I needed to know is if he had noticed a decrease in the quantity of hot water. Seems for the last few days my showers have been getting shorter and shorter. Yesterday by the time I finished washing my hair (the first thing I do) I had the knob all the way over to hot and there was only lukewarm water coming out. He had indeed noticed and advised that I call BIL. He came over and could find nothing wrong with it except that the dial that goes from HOT to VERY HOT was turned to its lowest setting. He turned it up some and so we'll see if maybe it's just a case of little hands touching what they shouldn't have been touching. Worst case is that we have to replace the hot water heater. Gotta love old houses. But it looks like this one is about 13 years old so I guess it's probably about due.

25w5d: Countdown is on

2007-01-27T20:54:00.000-05:00

As of tomorrow, I will have 99 days to go. We're down to double digits. Reminds me of that song we used to sing on the bus on the way to track meets - "99 bottles of be.er on the wall". I feel compelled to confess that I still check the toilet paper every single time I wipe. I still find myself starting to worry if I can't seem to feel any movement at a certain moment.

I wrote a few weeks ago that my goal before the baby comes was to go through every room of my house and clean and declutter. I'm happy to report that I have accomplished that goal except for the nursery. Yup, I've decluttered every inch of this house and I can't tell you how good it feels. J and I have made numerous trips to drop off stuff at Goodwill. I also got rid of at least a half dozen bags of trash. I could probably stand to get rid of a few more of G's toys but I think I'll wait a while to make another pass at them.

Today I went into the nursery and decided to start tackling the diapers. I stood at the door for a few minutes and debated about whether I should really start the project now or wait. Because in the back of my mind is always that question about how I'm going to handle the situation if I lose the baby. What would make it easier. Would it be harder to handle with a nursery all ready to go? Or would it be harder to have to sort through all that stuff with no baby to show for it?

It makes me angry sometimes that infertility still hangs around to haunt me even though it's supposedly been conquered. I wish I could just relax and totally enjoy this pregnancy the way I did my first one. I wish that I had passed some milestone at which I miraculously relaxed.

I feel a lot of movement these days but the movement I notice most is when the baby has the hiccups. I remember with G that she seemed to have the hiccups after every single meal I ate. Everyone was skeptical that eating could cause the baby to get the hiccups but it happened time and time again. I haven't noticed that pattern with this one - the hiccups are more random but she seems to get them several times a day. Right now she is in a position (I think her head is actually down at this point) where I feel a slight pressure on my cervix with every hiccup and sometimes I feel a little foot kicking my lungs. It's kinda cute but at the same time annoying: I hate having the hiccups and sometimes I find myself holding my breath to see if she'll stop!

By the way, I did decide to go ahead and start working on the nursery. It was rather fun to get out the tiniest little cloth diapers that fit size 4 to 10 pounds. G outgrew that size within a matter of weeks (she weighed just over 7# at birth) so they all look very new and pristine. They are now organized in baskets waiting for a new little butt to cover!

Small Miracles

2007-01-24T18:55:00.000-05:00

It doesn't take much to make a good day for me:
- I got out of the house for an hour. Granted it was just a trip to Kmart to buy toilet paper and such but still, I got out!
- The plumbers came and went today and left with only $439 of my money. Much, much less than the thousands I was afraid of when they started talking about sawing pipes and cutting up my floor.
- My babysitter called today and her kids are finally over all their illnesses. We were supposed to go last week Thursday. I am only just beginning to realize how important it is for me to get a real break every now and then. Of course, part of tomorrow will be spent cleaning up and out G's room. But at least I won't have someone asking me every 5 minutes "What are you doing Mommy?".
- I had a few sips of wine with dinner tonight. Not enough to make me feel anything but it sure did taste good!

Nap-Time

2007-01-23T14:50:00.000-05:00

I am *so* glad that I have already finished the bulk of my cleaning and decluttering! The last few days I just can't seem to make it without a 2-3 hour afternoon nap. Today I tackled my bathroom and made it through all of about 3 shelves before I had to call it quits. I'm off to take my nap now. At this rate I don't know how I'm going to finish my upstairs before April!

25 Weeks

2007-01-22T10:00:00.000-05:00

Sleeping has gotten more and more difficult the last few weeks. Or, should I say, getting comfortable is getting progressively more difficult. I have an area under my left breast that, by the end of the day, aches considerably. I've tried several different bras and one seems to make it slightly better but nothing alleviates it completely. When I lay down on my left side the area goes numb which is really annoying. I had the same problem with G and the diagnosis was just that it was my anatomy. Unfortunately this time it showed up earlier and is lasting longer.

I finally noticed the linea negra the other day. I hadn't noticed it before because I can only see it when I look in the mirror and my body image is such that I just don't have a desire to do that very often.

I am happy to report that I am making great progress in cleaning out the nursery. The biggest problem that had me paralyzed was what to do with all the clothes. Not only do I have G's outgrown clothes, but I have a fair amount of clothes for her in larger sizes that I pick up occasionally at garage sales and thrift stores. I would love to have the space and funds to be able to put them all in plastic boxes but I finally admitted that that just wasn't going to happen. So I opted for plastic trash bags. I have about 10 bags for the clothes up to 24 months sitting in the nursery. Looks tacky but we'll clear them out pretty quickly. The rest are in a closet in G's room our of sight.

Having gotten a handle on all those clothes, I'm now left with infant gear and lots of cloth diapers. Last night after having gotten all the clothes put away, I plopped down in the glider for a while and allowed myself to remember how it was rocking G there and imagine (just for a moment) what it would be like to rock another one there.

I'll post more pictures of the nursery in progress later. I'll also post a picture of the cloth diapers that fit newborns. They are so cute and it reminds me how quickly one forgets how small a baby is!

More Potty Talk

2007-01-19T20:46:00.000-05:00

I said previously that I'm not a competitive person. So why then, when I read this entry on dooce where she mentions that Leta is still in diapers (Leta is just a few weeks older than G) did I feel this surge of triumph? Yes! Her child is still in diapers and mine is already potty training. Silly, but that's what I thought. Especially since Leta has done everything just a few weeks ahead of G all along (as it should be!).

Speaking of which, G is getting pretty good at the potty thing and she is slowly developing the ability to "hold" it. Tonight I noticed for the first time her doing a little dance and then she reached for her crotch. I asked if she needed to pee and her face brightened up and she yelled "Yes" as she ran off to the potty. Now we just have to work on the finer aspects such as pulling down one's pants and wiping.

Also speaking of toilets, we were watching a movie in the basement last Sunday when I started to hear an ominous dripping sound. We finally traced it to the pipe that leads from the downstairs toilet to the main sewer line. A flush of said toilet unleashed a torrent of water. The plumber came today and, amidst much shaking of his head, finally decided a course of action which involves ripping up lots of rotten wood in the bathroom and attempting to saw through a very, terribly corroded pipe at a critical juncture. If we're lucky the pipe won't crumble there. If we're not.... well, he didn't want to attempt an estimate of what that would entail; he just said we'd be talking a lot more money. Which reminds me that he left without giving us an estimate of what we'll pay if our luck holds. In the end we decided against putting the bathroom floor back together; we'll save that tiling or flooring project (and the associated expense) for another day. Which means that we'll have bare wood around the potty but at least we'll have a working potty and I won't be running up and down the stairs a dozen times a day.

24 Weeks

2007-01-16T14:08:00.000-05:00

I was just reading my 23 Week entry to see what was happening last week. I seem to have suddenly developed this short-term memory loss situation; I can't remember diddly-squat these days. It's particularly bad when I forget what I'm talking about right in the middle of a sentence.

Well, not much new is happening. The baby is still very active. I'm still always very hungry. And I'm still potty-training G. The latter at least is going pretty well. Yesterday we even managed a poop in the potty although we missed that one today.

Sunday G got up from her nap and, in the midst of running around, said her ear hurt. I was apt to dismiss it: this child has *never* had an ear infection in her life. But it kept bugging me that she had said that, so we finally went to visit SIL to check it out. Sure enough, she has a very bad infection for which we are doing ear drops and antibiotics. I think it was particularly hurting her today. Poor kid. Poor mama that has to deal with Poor kid all day!

I have a fair number of May due-date blogs listed in my side bar. I'm not a competitive person by any stretch of the imagination but I am very comparative. I like to read and see what other people are experiencing. Some of the authors of the blogs have had no fertility problems. They write about things I probably would have written about my first time around. I like that perspective; it skips all the pain and heartache it took to get to this point.

Anyway, one of the things I've noticed of late is a tendency to start posting pictures of the budding nursery. I love looking at these rooms all full of brand new things just waiting for a new little being to use them. Well, I thought I should post some "before" pictures of our nursery, a.k.a. the Dumping Room. Right now it's the repository for all of G's outgrown clothes, infant toys, cloth diapers, and who knows what else?! Honestly, I probably won't get to bringing some order to this room till March or April. In the meantime, I've got to clean out the closets in G's room which contain more clothes. The whole clothes issue is becoming a big problem for me. I can't figure out a good way to organize and store them. Not only do I have outgrown clothing, but I've got a fair amount of clothes yet to be worn and I add to that as I find stuff at garage sales and resale. So I have to solve that problem before I can even think about bringing order to the chaos that is currently the nursery. Right now, to be honest, I'm looking forward to the day that I can start to get rid of some of this stuff!

A Tip (FWIW)

2007-01-14T14:56:00.000-05:00

Here's something I recently started doing and I thought I'd share it in case it might benefit someone else. You'll probably think I'm crazy but here goes anyway!

We get fast food about once a week. Okay, sometimes twice but that's all I'm admitting to! We always go to the same place (Micky D's for G and Burger King for me) and we always get the same thing. And you know what? It always costs the same! A while back I was rolling up some of the myriad of loose change that seems to work its way into our house, while racking my brain for a better use for it. So now here's what I do: I have some ziplocs with the name of the fast food place and the cost of our "usual". Then I raid the change jar for exact change. Voila. Not only do I get rid of the change without going to the bank, but I feel like I'm getting a "free" meal since it doesn't come out of my pin money. And as if that wasn't enough, I don't have to explain to the guy at the window why I gave him $10.02 for a meal that cost $3.72.

Now here's the really sad part. The lady at the McD's window apparently knows me now: she no longer counts all the change. She just smiles and tells us to have a good day. Must start cooking at home more :-)

Our Legal System

2007-01-14T12:11:00.000-05:00

I've not had much experience with the US judicial system, but the one experience I had was enough to sour me on it. Years ago, an acquaintance/friend finally brought charges against her abusive husband. I was summoned to appear for my testimony on a Friday for the following Monday. After 3 days of sitting around waiting, the trial finally ended without my testimony. That was 3 days of having to take vacation off of work and having absolutely no say in the matter. Didn't leave a good taste in my mouth.

Skip to 3 years ago when I rear ended a car in a turn lane with a green light. Let's just leave the story at that and say that technically I was at fault. And they sued a few months later. Almost 3 years later it is finally coming to trial. I received a letter a few days ago saying that the trial date had been set for 17 May. I emailed the lawyer to explain why I wouldn't possibly be sitting in a court room a few weeks after giving birth. So, to accommodate me, they've moved it up to 23 April. Great. I'll only be 38 weeks pregnant then. I'm sure I'll enjoy sitting for hours on end in a court room. I emailed again to explain the distinct possibility of labor or bed rest by that point but it didn't seem to phase the lawyer. He said just to keep in touch with him and he would plan on that date. As much as I would like to get out of it, the alternative is not much better as it will mean bringing an infant with me to court (since I plan to breastfeed and pumping didn't work well at all with G). Did I mention I don't care much for the legal system? Yes, I know there are worse alternatives but I sure wish this thing could have been worked out several years ago.

Computers and Doulas

2007-01-13T21:56:00.000-05:00

I wrote a while back about my dead computer. I'm very happy to report that the local computer shop was able to move all my data onto my backup drive. The longer I was without it, the more I missed. Especially the other night when I was scanning an old tax return and I realized that I had scanned older ones previously and shred them but never burned the scans to CD. They were all more than 10 years old but still, how stupid can one be. So when I got my drive back tonight, the very first thing I did was burn those things to CD. I am in the process of making a backup of my laptop drive right now. The next step will be to clean up the backup data and burn lots of it to CD. Who exactly was it that said computers make your life easier?

I got a comment from someone a while back asking exactly what a doula is. I read the same question recently on another blog. So let me attempt an explanation for any interested parties. In short, a doula is someone who is experienced in helping women get through labor and delivery. They are trained in comfort measures as well as trained to know the commonplace explanations for all those medical terms you may hear in the delivery room. They may or may not have a medical background but they aren't there to give medical advice. Their role is to explain things to you so that you have a better basis for making decisions. Primarily though, they are there to suggest ways for you to cope with the pain of labor. I guess the best case for the use of a doula is someone who wants to go drug-free or minimal drugs and is not sure they can do it without some help.

I didn't use a doula with G. I had a midwife who was there for the whole labor (which is different than most doctors who will typically only show up when it's time to push) plus J, my SIL and a good friend. Even with all that help, looking back on it, another helping hand wouldn't have hurt in the slightest. Plus, my labor all of a sudden took off at rocket speed and I went from 3cm to fully dilated in the span of about 3 hours. The midwife was good but, for various reasons unique to the situation, she didn't really get in there and try to help me through it. J did his best as did SIL and friend but having someone there who had seen that situation before would have been invaluable. The end of the story was that I made it through but to this day I'm not sure how!

This time around I have a midwife again and my friend who was there the first time is now an experienced labor and delivery nurse. SIL will probably be there and I hope, hope, hope that J will also get to be there. But even with all those things going for me, I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to have a doula.

I would think that almost any laboring woman can benefit from having a doula there. I think the more help you can get the better! So I would say definitely consider it.

End of the Season

2007-01-09T18:55:00.000-05:00

This afternoon I took down all the Christmas decorations and this evening I just finished up addressing all my newsletters. I love having the tree and the lights and decorations around the house but it always seems like such a relief when they're gone. I also took the opportunity to clean and declutter the living room, including quite a few nic-nacs. Getting rid of those was hard because I don't buy myself nic-nacs. Everything I have was given to me either by J or my Mom. While I enjoy looking at them I decided it was time to pare down. It looks so much better!

I'm happy to report that we're surviving potty training. Tonight G said "Can I go potty and get a lifesaver?". She gets a lifesaver as a reward whenever she goes. Must be working because she actually did pee and her undies were dry. There's hope for this kid!

23 Weeks; Tales from the Potty

2007-01-07T18:57:00.000-05:00

23 Weeks and counting. The baby is kicking away and doing lots of flips and somersaults. Sometimes I would swear that she is placing her foot down in my cervix to see if she can get out yet. I've finally hit that stage where I just can't seem to get enough to eat. I'm trying really hard to eat well but what I really want is pure carbs and sugars; all the things that you should probably not load up on if you've got a potential glucose problem.

Overshadowing this pregnancy all along has been my dealings with my almost 3 year old. These past two weeks have been particularly hard for us for some reason. I'm chalking it up to a somewhat delayed holiday depression on my part. I keep telling myself that she'll be 3 soon and at some point these terrible days will be no more than a bad memory. In the meantime I lose a lot of sleep over trying to figure out how I'm going to survive until then.

I've been telling myself (and everyone else) that I would finally get around to G's potty training after the holidays were over. Since this past week has been incredibly hard for us for some reason, it may sound a little absurd that I decided Saturday night to top the week off by starting potty training on Sunday. But I did. I figured it couldn't get much worse. Surprisingly yesterday was pretty easy and we both lived to tell about it. We had 3 accidents but 8 successes. Granted, all but one of the successes occurred when I took her every 30 minutes and had her sit on the pot for a while. Yesterday morning I patiently explained to her that there were no more diapers so she was going to have to wear panties. She spent a few minutes begging for diapers but we looked all over and there just were none to be had (I had put them all away the night before). Then it seemed that she just sort of accepted it. I can tell that she gets exasperated with me for asking her every 10 minutes "do you need to go potty?" but, like I said, things are going well so far. We're a long ways from considering her truly "potty trained" but at least I can say that we're working on it.

If you'll excuse me now, there is some sugar or chocolate or something in the kitchen that is calling my name.....

22w3d Checkup

2007-01-04T13:23:00.000-05:00

We got a clean bill of health with the midwife this morning. She didn't even say anything about my weight gain. So far I have gained about 22#. If I stick to a pound a week from here on out I should stay below the 40# I gained with G. I'm sure it won't be easy because I have finally hit that point where I feel hungry all the time. It's very hard not to snack, so today at the grocery store I bought lots of fruit to try and encourage myself.

The only minor issue that came up was that I showed some glucose in my urine. She didn't seem to worried about it, especially when I told her that I had had orange juice for breakfast. She said not to have any juice next time and see how that goes. It worries me a little since I borderline failed my one hour glucola test with G. So I am also going to try and be extra careful with the sugar intake from here on out.

I have an appt in another 4 weeks. After that I'll start going every 2 weeks. Is it almost time for that already?! The first trimester of this pregnancy seemed interminable. But now it seems as if things are going so fast! The midwife even talked to me today about possibly taking a childbirth education refresher course.

22w1d

2007-01-02T21:51:00.000-05:00

After showering today I looked down and realized that my toes really needed some attention. As in, if I didn't cut my nails soon my shoes weren't going to fit. So I grabbed my tools and sat down to get to business. Let's just say that that is probably the last time I'll cut my own toenails for the next 4 months. I could barely reach my feet for the bulk of my belly and I had to stop between each toe and catch my breath.

My cousin saw me at Christmas and told me what a "cute little belly" I have. I told her I felt huge! She said I still looked small. Another friend told me the same thing. I finally got some vindication from another friend who saw me and immediately said "are you sure it's not twins?!".

So I guess I'll be looking around for a safe place to get a pedicure in a month or so. By then I may also have to pay someone to put my socks on in the morning. Better yet, I should start training G to do it for me!

22 Weeks

2007-01-01T21:48:00.000-05:00

So far I have managed to survive both this pregnancy and the holidays. We had a nice time visiting family and friends but boy was I glad to get home. We stayed 9 days with my parents and 2 days with my best friend from college. The visit with my parents went well. My best friend from college, T, has 5 kids ranging from 4 to 12 and they are a loud, boisterous family. G seemed to enjoy herself but many times I could tell that she was overwhelmed. The night before we left, she asked if we could go home. I got a kick out of watching her because she would often go off by herself to play, which is exactly what I do in the context of a lot of noise and activity.

Our travel this time left much to be desired. I timed both flights to be in the afternoon during naps. She didn't nap on the plane either time. Going worked out okay. By the time we got off the flight coming home, though, I was about ready to push G off the plane and stay on it myself for the next destination. For a long time now (many months) I've attributed her behavior to just being a strong-willed child and hoped that it would get better with time. But on that flight there came a time when I realized that I no longer had control of the situation and, worse, she was acting in a way that, to a stranger, probably looked like she was a child with ADHD at the very least. It was not pretty. She bit me. She pulled my hair. And that's the least of it. It was so bad that we got in the car (J picked us up) and I let into him, telling him what a mistake it had been to ever have one, much less two, children. He didn't say much. After a sleepless night mulling it over I came to the conclusion that rather than expecting my child to suddenly wake up one morning as a little angel, I was going to have to crack down and get much more strict with her. So far it's working. Once today I caught her looking at me as if thinking, where did my permissive mother go and who is this alien in her place? I've figured out that watching movies holds a powerful sway over her as does the threat of taking away the binky. Believe me, I'm using both those things to my full advantage right now.

The baby seems to be doing well. I remember with G that I would feel a lot of kicks and pushes from little hands. This baby doesn't kick so much as turn somersaults. Sometimes I feel as if my stomach is going to pop in a given spot and I have to push back to get her to move to a more comfortable position. I have another midwife appointment this week and I'm not even going to think about how much Christmas weight I've put on.

All the blogs I'm catching up on seem to be listing their resolutions. I used to be the type of person to make very specific resolutions every year and actually follow through on them. Nowadays I stick with more generic stuff like getting rid of clutter and having a baby. Oh, and trying to get my Christmas/New Year's cards out. Speaking of which, I better go get started on those. Maybe I should just be an under-achiever and combine them with birth announcements....

All Ready to Go

2006-12-19T21:55:00.000-05:00

I met with a doula today. She seemed nice and I definitely plan to use her. I live in a smallish town and am related to people that everyone seems to know. That can be good or bad. I had debated on telling her who I was related to because she very likely knows my in-laws. Anyway, we were talking about water labor and births and she related a story about the politics of water birthing at our local hospital. Long story but the short of it is that she has a not-so-good opinion of someone and she wouldn't say names but I'm pretty sure it's my SIL. Time will tell whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. It makes life interesting anyway.

I'm all packed and ready to head out to Houston tomorrow. I'm dreading the actual mechanics of getting both of us and our luggage to the airport and then to my folks' house. I always dread the trip and it always ends up being okay in the end. The only trip that wasn't was the one where I decided it would be a good idea to take the toddler carseat on the airplane. That proved disastrous at the point where G decided she wasn't going to walk and then I couldn't carry both her and the carseat. She's old enough now to stay in her seat and we rent a seat with the car. I also bought a portable DVD player a few trips ago and every time with that she settles in to watch a movie and then promptly falls asleep. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed and taking a good book.

I wasn't able to cram my jacket in the suitcase so hopefully my sweaters will be enough. Houston is forecast to have highs in the 50s and 60s while we're there which should feel downright balmy after the 30s and 40s here.

Thursday night we're accomplishing two very important goals at once: we're meeting up with old friends and getting a Tex-Mex fix at our favorite restaurant. J is flying down after work to spend a few days with us which will be a treat as he will be working starting Christmas day.

Time to go check my packing list one more time to make sure I haven't missed anything important!

20 Weeks: Halfway there!

2006-12-18T10:03:00.000-05:00

Today marks the halfway point. Last night we had a gift exchange with my in-laws and the bottle of wine going around was too much to resist. Hello, my name is K and I had a few sips of wine while pregnant. But, given that it was a former OB doing the pouring and I didn't get any grief from my pediatrician sitting next to him, I enjoyed every sip I took!

I'm still not feeling much movement and that continues to bother me. At the ultrasound the baby was in a breech position and I think she stays there pretty consistently as most of the light kicks I feel are on the side where her feet were. And sometimes I feel her little head move on the other side.

Yesterday was my 38th birthday. J bought me a camera that I have been wanting, nay coveting, for quite some time now: a Canon Digital Rebel. Expensive as heck and much bulkier than point and shoot cameras but man is it sweet! The cool thing is that we have a film Canon with several lenses and those lenses fit the digital model as well. I can't wait to get the perfect Christmas shot of G with it!

Wednesday we start our trek across the country to visit the grandparents. G is very excited about it and I'm looking forward to the visit even if I'm not looking forward to the actual travel. The bad thing is that all three of us seem to be coming down with the crud. G has it today and I'm betting tomorrow it will be full-blown. Knock on wood, she's very good when she's sick; just a bit grumpy. So hopefully things will go okay. I remember traveling when I was pregnant with G and so many people went out of their way to be helpful. I'm counting on that this trip!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone.

19w3d Ultrasound Part 2

2006-12-14T20:01:00.000-05:00

How to convey the sense of relief I feel right now?

The ultrasound appt went well. We met first with a genetic counselor who took a health history and asked about all our family. The most challenging part of the whole day was laying out the family trees as she wanted to know about all J's sibbling's children and also all our aunts and uncles.

Then we did the actual ultrasound and I can't really say how long it took - 20 to 30 minutes I'd say. The sonographer was very good and talked to us the whole way through. She didn't tell us actual measurements of things but after every measurement she took she'd tell us what she was measuring and then say something like "That's right on target for an almost-20 week old baby". The baby cooperated beautifully. Just a few minutes into the ultrasound the tech brought up the image of the open legs and immediately said it was a girl. A little while later she got an even better view and you could clearly see the three lines. My placenta is indeed in the front which is obstructing some feeling of movements.

After the ultrasound J and I went out of for lunch and we were acting like two giddy teenagers! We talked some about the baby but we talked about a wide range of topics. It's been a while since we've done that. Probably almost 2 years. It hit me at one point how much this whole issue of getting and staying pregnant was weighing us and our relationship down. It's almost like a huge weight has been lifted off both of us. I realized that, regardless of the outcome, we're going to be okay. I can admit now that there have been times lately when I've wondered.

I was running errands this afternoon and I had my first person ask me "So when are you due?". Followed by the inevitable "Do you know if it's a girl or a boy?". I told him it would be our second girl and he then asked what I'm sure will be an oft-repeated question: "Did you want a boy?". I can honestly say that I am thrilled beyond belief to know it's a girl. Of course, I would have been happy with a boy. But I think deep down I wanted a little sister for my daughter. Plus, what would I do with all these girl clothes I've been accumulating?!!!

I think I will sleep much better tonight. I haven't had a really good night's sleep in a week or so and I'm sure it's been the anticipation of today. Hopefully it's all downhill from here!

19w3d Ultrasound

2006-12-14T17:29:00.000-05:00

The short story and some pics for now: Everything looked great and it's a girl!

19 Weeks

2006-12-11T09:46:00.000-05:00

One of my humorous tickers said this morning: "Only 20 more weeks until Mommy can enjoy a margarita.... or five". Yeah, right on course. I remember joking with J before G was born that we should bring a bottle of wine to the hospital to celebrate. We didn't but I finally got a glass just a few days after G was born. Wine never tasted so good. This time I'm serious about bringing wine. Or at least something alcoholic. The sad part is that my wine stash is seriously depleted right now and can one reasonably buy several cases of wine with a big huge belly? So I'm dropping big hints to J as to what this year's gifts should be.

I've pretty much lost my belly button. There is no mistaking by anyone now that this is a pregnant belly. Being only barely halfway through, it scares me to think how big this one is going to be. With G, I hid my condition at work until I was more than 6 months along. No chance of that this time!

I will be turning 38 on Sunday. That's getting awfully close to 40. I don't feel almost 40. I thought almost-40-year-olds were supposed to feel really mature and able to handle anything. I suppose that's what my kids will think about me. If they only knew!

I am looking forward to the ultrasound on Thursday with an equal mix of anticipation and dread. I feel some movement but not as much as I would like to. I'm hoping they'll tell me it's just because of the location of my placenta.

Digital Musings

2006-12-08T13:05:00.000-05:00

There are some professions that you just never quite get away from. You exist within that role 24 hours a day. Being a Mom comes to mind as one. Being a doctor is another. Countless times I've been with my BIL and SIL and seen them dealing with complete strangers who suddenly have need of medical advice because there's a doctor around. Believe it or not, being a computer professional is another. My speciality is programming internet applications. But as soon as people hear the word 'computer', all of a sudden I'm expected to be the master of all things computer and fix whatever problem has been bugging them lately. For those of you who are not very computer savvy, it's a bit like asking your dermatologist to diagnose the ringing in your ears. Fixing problems with the Windows operating system and associated applications is something that I can sometimes do under diress but definitely not something I enjoy.

Which is what made me groan especially loud last night when my desktop computer froze and won't boot past a blue screen of death now. There was a time in my life when I would have invested countless hours trying to diagnose and fix the problem. And there would have been more than a few swear words involved along the way. There was a time.... This is not the time. Hours and hours of uninterrupted computer time? Yeah, right. Fortunately I already have a laptop that can easily replace my desktop, although I will miss the convenience of being able to keep it upstairs and not have to tote it around. One of the applications I depend most upon is my financial tools and fortunately I had the foresight to have regularly backed up those files. I now have access to all my financial data with just a few days' gap on my laptop. Whew. I will definitely sleep better tonight. So now begins the painful process of getting all my most-used applications configured so that I can scan and print and stuff like that.

Now, being a computer professional, you'd think I would have meticulously kept data backups. Buzzzz.... Try again. I did back up my financial stuff because I think I would experience a complete nervous breakdown if I couldn't instantly pull up how much I spent at Target on the 12th of November in 1999. Seriously. I'm just that way. And I do have CD backups of all my pictures. Except the cute ones I had taken in the last few days. But what a pain in the butt to have to load all my backups onto the laptop and do I even have enough disk space to do that? So, lesson learned. I'm about to go consult Mr. Google right now about the best backup alternative. Once I buy something I plan to take it and the desktop to the local computer shop and pray that they can retrieve my data onto it.

This post has been provided as a cautionary tale. Everyone always tells you to back up and no one ever does it and then disaster inevitably strikes. Actually, I have been quite lucky: this is the first time that I have not been able to just transfer data from the old computer to the new one. But just a few months ago my Dad's disk croaked and he lost everything. If only I had learned from his experience. So please learn from mine!

18 Weeks

2006-12-04T13:34:00.000-05:00

So here I am at 18 weeks. I've finally gotten all my maternity shirts out and washed. I have some non-maternity shirts that I can wear but most of them are too tight in the bust. I don't know what it is about maternity clothing but it really seems to accentuate the bump in front. I scored an awesome dress shirt at Goodwill the other day that will be perfect for holiday wearing. Last week I got a cheap black velvet maternity dress off of ebay but I don't know if I will end up wearing it or not. It depends on whether I'm able to find some maternity hose to go with it because I know there is no way in heck I could get on regular hose at this point!

At night I now sleep between 2 pillows. I am naturally a back sleeper so I learned with G to use pillows on either side; that way when I roll over I don't end up fully on my back. I also pulled out a stuffed animal (yes, I'm sleeping with a stuffed animal now!) that I bought with G that fits perfectly under my belly to make sleeping more comfortable.

I'm feeling the baby kick more now but only at night in bed or during the day when I sit quietly and feel for it.

Speaking of kicking, G kicked me very nicely in the belly today. Between those sorts of kicks and having to carry her around, it makes me amazed that any mom of a toddler can get through subsequent pregnancies. I still haven't told G about the baby but maybe she senses something because this week she started trying to relive her own baby-hood. She's always asking me to hold her sippy cup and feed her "like a baby" and today before naptime she wanted to sit in the chair and rock while she drank her milk. We haven't done that in ages and it made me as nostalgic as her for reliving old times. I'm beginning to understand why the baby of the family is just that - a baby. I anticipate that I will do everything I can to prolong every phase that the new baby goes through because I know it will be the last time for me to experience all of that.

J is gone again for an extended time. I probably won't see him for at least a week, maybe more. So I've already booked with the sitter for a "day off" this week. Next week: the big ultrasound. I received all the paperwork the other day and it was rather daunting to read it all. Depending on the outcome of the ultrasound, they can do an amnio right then and there if I choose. I truly hope I won't have to make that decision. I also hope that J will end up being in town because the only thing worse than having to make that decision would be to have to make it alone.

4 Months

2006-12-02T13:34:00.000-05:00

There have been a number of people who ask me how far along I am and when I tell them the number of weeks, they immediately start converting it into months. Fortunately for my mathematical sanity, there are approximately 9 months between the beginning of August and the end of May. So it's pretty easy for me to approximate months, especially when I can't remember exactly the number of weeks I currently am. So at the end of November I completed four months of pregnancy. What's that phrase I so often bandy about? Oh yeah: I can't believe I made it this far. I'm almost halfway done. And only 12 more days until the definitive ultrasound. 4 Months. 5 to go.

17w1d

2006-11-28T13:27:00.000-05:00

At Thanksgiving dinner, a friend's mother came up to congratulate me on my good news. I said thank you but before I could even really think about it, I tempered it with "hopefully it will all work out". Being the wonderful woman that she is, she just smiled and said she hoped so too. I was thinking about the episode later, wondering at what point I will be able to accept that next May we might just be adding another child to our family. I kept thinking that if I got through the first few weeks without spotting, I would feel okay. Then I thought if I made it past the point of my first m/c I would feel okay. Then I thought I would feel better after my first midwife appointment. What I realized, in thinking about all this, is that, even at all those milestones, there was no great and sudden shift in the universe to make me all of a sudden say that things are okay. I think it has as much to do with reading others' stories of late losses and problems at birth than with my own m/c experiences. In that respect at least, the internet is probably hampering more than helping me. And yet, I wouldn't for the world trade the community of support I have found here.

In the end I've decided that the high-level ultrasound must be the deciding factor for me. I find myself looking forward to it with a mixture of dread and longing. But I've decided that if a specialist takes a look and can find nothing outwardly wrong with my baby, then I must accept that things are going to be okay. I'm going into it with this attitude and by golly I hope to come out of it with the same attitude!

Speaking of the ultrasound, I've moved it back a week. It was scheduled for the 6th at 8:30 in the morning which is on the early side for my household! Plus J informed me he would be out of town on an errand and my babysitter can't take G that early. So I called today and they were able to reschedule for 10:30 on the 14th. J will be home and we can leave G at the sitter's if we choose. Or we may take her with us. I will also be closer to 20 weeks at that point (19w3d) which will be better for them seeing more.

17 Weeks

2006-11-27T14:15:00.000-05:00

I had another midwife appointment today and all was well. A couple of things surprised me actually.

First off, I discovered that I have only gained 3 pounds since the last visit 4 weeks ago, which is well within the average of a pound a week during the second trimester. My total weight gain so far has only been 8 pounds. I'm happy with that. I still wish I had lost more prior to getting pregnant but I'll have plenty of time to worry about that later!

The second thing that surprised me was finding out how large my uterus is. At this point, it's just below my belly button. I don't know why but I thought it was far smaller. So now that I know that, I realize that I have been feeling quite a bit of movement (I dismissed most of what I was feeling because it was much higher up than I thought my uterus was).

The midwife talked to me about screening tests at this point, namely the AFP blood test. She said, given my age, it would very likely come back positive, since age is a factor in the equation for the test. She said if it did come back positive, the course of action would be a higher level ultrasound and possibly an amnio. I decided I didn't want to fool with the blood test since the results would be essentially meaningless. But I liked the idea of going straight for a high level ultrasound. These are done at the University hospital downtown and includes a consult with a perinatologist for the results. I opted for this route because I think (hope!) it will give me much more peace of mind to have someone looking at things who is more highly trained to spot problems. I can't honestly say at this point if I would do an amnio. I'm taking this one step at a time. Anyway, that is scheduled for 6 December, which is next week Wednesday when I will be 18 weeks.

That's about all I have to report. The visit was very boring and consisted mostly of discussions of what we did for Thanksgiving and what our Christmas plans are. Hopefully all my visits will be that inane!

16 Weeks

2006-11-21T10:34:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I sat down to write a post and realized that I couldn't think of anything to say that wasn't negative! J was gone for 11 days straight (5 on the job and 6 days on another project) and it was so much harder than I anticipated to be a single parent. I've learned lessons for any future occurrences of long absences, namely that I will schedule more time with the babysitter next time.

Pregnancy-wise, there is really not much to report. I have been feeling some movement for a week or so now. I still feel yucky most evenings and sometimes during the day. I'm not sure exactly how much weight I've gained but the scale was a little scary this morning as I haven't stepped on it in a while. I had hoped to keep my weight down this time around but I'm not sure that's going to happen. I don't feel like I'm eating a lot more but what I do eat is more calorie and carb-laden and I'm sure that's the cause of the pounds going on. I've had a lot of trouble sleeping at night but I suspect that has more to do with J's absence than the pregnancy. My next midwife appointment is next Monday and hopefully we'll schedule the "big" ultrasound then. I am going to push for sooner rather than later; I need to get it over and get the news that the baby is just fine and healthy.

While J was gone I got this notion that I needed a nice comfy chair for my bedroom. We don't have anything in the way of a chair in there so my reading and computer up there is all done on the bed. I've been wishing for something for a while now but the last few days I started to picture what I wanted. So last night I drug John to the Lazyboy store and spent $500 on the "best selling recliner in America". It's very soft and comfy and it rocks. J and a friend are picking it up for me today. I'll leave you with a funny story from the outing:

While we were in the chair store, G was running around having a grand time. We were the only ones in there (this is a great time of the year to shop apparently!). While I was paying, G ran up to J and announced in her loudest, most theatrical voice "I WENT POO-POO". Of course everyone in the store heard and smiled. So out to the car we went where I remembered that I had not one single diaper with me. Earlier that day we had taken a load of stuff to Goodwill and I took everything out of the car, including the diaper bag, but we had forgotten to put it back. Normally I carry an emergency diaper in my purse but I forgot to replace it from the last "emergency". So there we were, diaperless, with a toddler complaining that she was stinky. I knew there was a Target nearby and I normally use their brand of diapers so we decided to run in there. But we missed the turn. By this time G had decided she also needed more milk NOW and her cup was empty. So we drove to the next exit and I said surely there would be a drugstore there. Nope. Not a single one. So we finally ended up at a gas station where I paid $4.50 for 13 diapers (I normally pay $10 for 80 diapers!). But we had diapers and milk. So I went to change her. No poop. The diaper was barely wet. G was smiling this big smile. I'm pretty sure she knew the trouble she had caused. It turned out to be a good thing because after dinner we went to another store where she again loudly announced "I WENT POO-POO" and this time there was absolutely no argument that she had - the smell was potent.

Moral of the story: always replace your emergency diaper!

15 Weeks

2006-11-13T09:49:00.000-05:00

Saturday night I was thinking to myself: I've been feeling pretty good lately, almost like my old self. I haven't felt nauseous or sick in several days! So don't you know that I got up Sunday feeling okay but shortly after breakfast I started feeling pretty bad. By the afternoon I was back to that pukey state. I don't think it was anything I ate but maybe that's a better explanation than "morning sickness" all over again. Today is going good so far but there's still a long ways to go in it.

My next midwife appt is two weeks from today. I'm starting to look forward to the "big" ultrasound. I'd like to know what sex the baby is. But I'm also hoping for some reassurance that there's nothing visibly wrong with the baby. I have never been able to shake the feeling that something might be chromosomally wrong with the baby and it just seems to get stronger as time goes on. I haven't really told anyone my fears because I know they'll be dismissed as my being.... I don't know - just a worry-wart I guess. But the fears are there and they keep me up at night. I have even done some research on amnios but I think in the end I would be too afraid to do it even though the m/c risks are pretty low. But I guess it depends on the outcome of the ultrasound. I hope to get that done the first week or two of December.

In other news, some demon possessed me last night and convinced me that G's hair needed another trim in the back. So I did that with decent results. Then I decided to trim her bangs. They looked okay right then but I was looking at them this morning and all I can say is that the demon possessed me and did a terrible job. And the worst thing is that I got them so short that, to even them up would require that there be pretty much nothing left of them. Note to self: never cut hair in that pukey state.

Vacation Anyone?

2006-11-10T15:51:00.000-05:00

I've always worked at places where taking vacation is no big deal. Some places there was so much to do that more than a day of vacation at a time was out of the question. Other places you simply let it be known that you would be off on certain dates and as long as it didn't interfere with projects, it was okay.

Enter my rude introduction to the airline world, where schedules are apparently made months, nay, years in advance. Never mind that the company can't give us next month's schedule before the 20th of the previous month; they want us to know exactly when we're going to want to vacate a year in advance. In November of each month J gets his "vacation bid pack" which is required to be turned in by November 20th. We're supposed to fill out 3 choices for each week of vacation (he's up to 3 weeks now, thank goodness!). It seems to have become a tradition to take a ski vacation in February so that's one week accounted for. There is always much debate over the remaining two weeks. He always requests Christmas week but never gets it.

Of course, the conversation this year had to include what may or may not happen around the first of May. All along I've fought to keep myself from looking too far into the future; from anticipating too strongly what might happen. But the stupid vacation bid pack forced my hand. So we had to discuss in great detail when I am due (7 May), when I think it most likely to happen (Gracie was a week early so I'm betting more like 1 May), and when I need J there.

When G was born, it worked out beautifully. He got home one evening from a trip and she was born about 24 hours later. I think the trip he came off of was a 3 day trip and both nights he spent in Canada where his cell phone doesn't work. I realized later that I had no idea how to get ahold of him had I needed to. He ended up being off for almost 2 weeks after G was born. I asked him if he could be off more like 4 weeks this time and he just looked at me.

So I've officially started thinking about what life might be like when this baby arrives. It's scary. I don't think it was this scary with G because I had no idea what I was in for. Now I'm anticipating the sleep deprivation, the depression, the sore boobs.... all of that magnified by having to care for a toddler at the same time. So the question that keeps bouncing around in my head right now: WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?

14 Weeks: Plump or Pregnant?

2006-11-06T13:43:00.000-05:00

I have a page with some pregnancy tickers from various sites, including a humorous one from baby-gaga.net that today says "Just plump or pregnant? Other people are noticing and deciding whether to ask my Mommy this risky question". As far as I know there is still a baby in there but all I really feel is plump. Very plump. Still feeling a bit yucky in the evenings. The boobs, though.... the boobs are getting me. Over the last week or two I have occasionally felt the tingling sensation that always used to accompany milk let-down when I was nursing G. The first time it caught me really off-guard until I remembered that I had felt it before. The other night we went out to dinner and across the restaurant I saw a couple with a crying newborn. I was listening to the conversation and not really even thinking about the baby when all of a sudden I realized that things were getting tingly. It scared me because I fully expected to look down and see two wet spots on my shirt. I had a terrible problem for about the first six months with leaking, although never before I gave birth. I haven't leaked anything yet but I started carrying pads around just in case. I guess part of the reason it scares me is that I now know that if something happened at this point I'd have to deal with milk coming in which was never a problem with my other m/c.

Other than that, I'm starting to get my energy back and I no longer have to deal with real nausea. I can eat pretty much anything now although I am particularly partial to the hot and spicy stuff. I won't say I crave it but I tend towards it. I still don't feel like I've really connected with this little one. I still check the TP every single time but I think I'm not quite as sure I'm going to see something. I haven't touched my handheld doppler in several weeks.

In other news, J went to the dentist this morning and, being the juvenile that he can sometimes be, I had to go with him. Which is fine because everyone there loves seeing G and is always disappointed if one of us comes alone. This time she took much more of an interest in the cleaning and afterwards she sat in the chair and the dentist looked at her teeth. Of course, we then had the dreaded "it's time for the binky to go" conversation. Although he did say her bite was a little worse than would normally be caused by periodic binky use. He said she may end up with braces no matter what but we should still say goodbye to the binky. She can usually only have it in the car and at sleep times. So we "lost" it on the way out to the car and she had a good cry all the way home about that. J wanted me to immediately go cold turkey on it but I said absolutely not. I'm leaving her tomorrow for the day with a new babysitter and I refuse to try that without a binky! So we'll start on Wednesday. Life is about to get much harder for a while. Hopefully cheaper in the long-run (sans braces) but much, much harder on me.

13w3d

2006-11-02T14:21:00.000-05:00

I'm finally getting over my cold/sinus. I broke down the other night and took a Tylenol. With G, I never took any medication (Tums doesn't count, does it?!). I feel like this poor kid is already getting second best treatment. You always hear stories of parents who coddle the first child, sanitizing the binky if it so much as touches the floor; then the second child gets the binky if it falls within the 5 or 10 second rule. I know that's going to be me. Although I was fairly laid back with G as far as things like that, I was just as uptight about sleep with her. Early on I got her in a routine and woe to the person that got in the way of that. I know it's going to be much harder to balance a toddler and an infant, so life should be interesting.

G had a great time with Halloween. She quickly got into the concept of ringing doorbells and saying "trick or treat", although she still doesn't understand why, when someone opened the door, she couldn't go in the house! I think she also didn't really "get" that the stuff in her pumpkin was candy. When she got home I let her eat a small thing of M&Ms and then sorted out the rest of the stuff, thinking to keep some for when she asked for it later. She has been happily playing with the pumpkin since then but has never asked for the candy. So this year J and I get the loot all to ourselves! I'm sure next year she'll be wiser.

13w1d

2006-10-31T14:32:00.000-05:00

I forgot to say in yesterday's post that I really like the midwife. I had some reservations going into it but they were quickly dispelled. She came across as very competent and confident. She seems like the type that will be very reassuring but will tell things the way they are with no beating around the bush.

I feel somewhat better today from my cold/sinus. It always holds true for me when I get this type of thing that the better I get to feeling, the worse I sound. And of course, I have 10 people on my list that I have been needing to make phone calls to about various things and I really wanted to get that knocked out today. I made a couple of the most pressing calls but it was frustrating for both parties as I really have no voice to speak of (pun intended). One of the calls on my list is to follow up with my insurance company about their investigations into payment of my HSG. If you remember the saga, my OB's office billed it incorrectly (I'm pretty sure) resulting in the claim being denied by the insurance company. I finally was able to find someone at the insurance company who sent my paperwork in for review by some in-house committee. Since I've heard nothing back from it, I don't hold a whole lot of hope of them finding in my favor. In the meantime I am paying the almost $1000 bill in $25/month installments! At some point I'll get tired of the monthly bills and just pay the darn thing off but maybe in the meantime my account will get marked as paid or something; never hurts to hope. The fire is under me to follow up with the insurance company because J's employer is switching providers at the beginning of the year so I want to have an answer before they do that. The switch should prove interesting as far as the pregnancy care goes. With G, the midwife's office didn't bill until after the birth for any of my prenatal visits or ultrasounds. With both my m/c, I didn't get billed until well after the fact. So I will have to have this midwife's office do some fancy footwork and hopefully it won't be a problem.

I'm not big into Halloween. Yesterday we told G we'd be going trick-or-treating today. She has absolutely no clue what this activity involves but she can't stop talking about it. She doesn't even know that it involves candy or dressing up!

13 Weeks

2006-10-30T14:59:00.000-05:00

Nausea: check
Weight gain: check
Big boobs: check
Feeling fat: check

Yup, I still get to feeling yucky in the evenings. But I think each day it gets a little easier.

I had my first appointment with the midwife today. It's a pretty low-tech operation; she doesn't have a nurse assisting or anything. So when you come in, they hand you your chart and you go in the back and record your weight and the results of your urine's protein and glucose check. I was there for almost an hour and a half. First I filled out all the requisite paperwork. Then I met with the midwife to go over my health history. Then she did a physical exam and pap smear. Oh joy. She told me that my cervix "wanted to bleed" and that I would most likely see some spotting from that but not to worry. I have seen a bit since then and am very proud of myself for not freaking out about it. She also listened for the heartbeat and found it as soon as she put the monitor on my belly. It was ranging about 160 beats per minute.

My folks have been visiting since last Wednesday and, between that and catching G's cold, I've not been at my best. But I'm on the down-side of the cold and my folks leave tomorrow, so hopefully things will get better.